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Thread: Do you consider your being AB/TB as "play" or "real" ?

  1. #1

    Default Do you consider your being AB/TB as "play" or "real" ?

    Hi
    I would really like to understand this: it's a very serious question.

    Let me explain where I'm coming from.
    I have never considered myself as such. I've got primary nocturnal enuresis: I never managed to become wholly dry while sleeping. The root cause has never been found, but it seems to be some form of neurological/developmental issue. Possibly it is related to the fact that I have severe ADD (non-hyperactive ADHD) which is in essence also a neurological/developmental issue.

    Maybe because it is for me a normal state, I have never felt particularly bad about the bedwetting itself as long as it could be managed. The only thing that I have grown to dislike intensely is the medicalisation of it. Being dragged from doctor to doctor doesn't do your self-esteem a lot of good, especially if deep down you cannot really see what the big issue is.
    That doesn't mean that I did not look into all possible options myself as well, after leaving home. But I am now at a point that I'm pretty much ready to stop chasing a possible cure: I spent enough time feeling a medical curiosity. I rather feel like myself, and I think that accepting this issue for once and for all might do me a lot of good.

    I've reflected a lot about how I feel about my "problem". Somehow I have always had the impression from other people (parents, doctors, friends) that I should feel bad about my IC problem. But the fact is, that I really never cared that much about it. Probably, as I mentioned, because I have never known any different. They sometimes appealed to a supposed feeling of self-worth or maturity that I would gain, only if I could have this fixed.
    And again, I tried to imagine what that would do. Whether I would really feel a lot better about myself if I was dry every night. But I can't: sure, it would be practical.
    But it has become so much part of my life that I can hardly imagine it like that.

    I have sometimes compared it to menstrual periods. Of course many women dislike the hassle of dealing with that. But when you ask if they would accept it if they were offered a pill that would magically make their periods disappear for once and for all, they think again and almost always say "no". It's part of being a woman, so they would miss it even though it is a bit of a pain sometimes.
    That is how I have tried to explain to others why I don't feel as bad about sleep-wetting as they think that I should.

    If I have to wear some form of protection because my body disposes of some fluids for a week every month - that's all fine, because it's part of being a woman.

    But if have to wear a similar form of protection (albeit a lot larger) at night because my body also happens to dispose some other fluids at night it should be hidden, kept secret and felt awkward about. So then, why can't it be viewed as being part of who I am?

    I've had one friend (though no longer) who eventually started to suggest that I actually liked wearing diapers. I thought about that for long, because there is some truth in that. But the way she asked it almost turned it into something bad. And that really shocked me. She even went so far to suggest that it was all part of me being very immature. And again, this really got to me because there is also some truth in that. I didn't know by then that I had ADD, but I was aware that I have been very late compared to other girls - except that I was extremely early in learning to talk and such things. But by the time that the other girls in my class were all going giggly about boys, I was still happily playing children's games. In fact, sometimes I seem not to arrived at that stage altogether.
    But of course, I have grown in other respects.

    But anyhow, she suggested that I was wilfully "acting like a child" and that was really quite awful. I had never considered myself to act as anything. I was just being myself. I don't think that I am even able to act as something that I'm not.

    I don't think that I really act like a child. But I am a lot more simple and naive in how I approach things as most people that I know. I'm a lesbian, but sexually I am very - boring is maybe the best word
    And I hate to admit it (especially to the ladies of my soccer team), but I have a sort of pink/cute addiction. I manage to keep that out of how the interior looks, but I am very stubborn about pijamas and undies. I refuse to buy anything that hasn't got some pink in it

    -- sorry for the long post, but I'm getting there ...

    I'm curious about a couple of things. I said I never considered myself having AB feelings. And that still holds, because I have no desire to act like, or be treated like a baby. But I cannot deny that part of me is definitely very childlike. I am usually a bit reluctant about it because I've got some sense of what's considered acceptable and what not.
    If I wear a diaper I do not feel like a baby either. I feel like myself, maybe with a bit more stress on the "child-like" part of me. But I don't act any different.


    Is how you feel about the AB/TB part of yourself a bit like I described above, a fundamental part of you?
    Or is it more like "acting out" a desire that remains hidden when you are in your daily business?

    thanks for reading this far!

    - kara

  2. #2

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    I really liked reading this I identify similarly with a lot of your feelings even down to never quite clearing up my own nocturnal enuresis but I have 98% control of it. Anyway I have been trying to work out similar feelings myself i love wearing daipers and such and the feelings it gives me but I do feel I can identify with a younger or more immature aspects of myself i suppose etc i played with my lego right up into my mid teen years and other such games. But i have never fully identified with being an ab/Tb despite experimentation with it and some fun things i dont get into the whole paci and bottle things like others do but i do like some cutesy things but I never perceive myself as "A Baby".



    At the same time I don't think it necessarily I makes you a Dl or maybe it does but a non sexual DL ? I dunno once again i think to much emphasis has been put on labels. Anyway great post loved reading it ^^

  3. #3
    crazykittensmile

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    For me my AB side is a bit of both - it is real in the same way that it is for you, my childish side is a part of my real adult side regardless of where I am or who I am with, but equally there is a part of me which enjoys AB role-play, and getting to act out my little side and be cared for and to just let go of being an adult completely.

    I too was always a bit 'behind' my friends in terms of growing up - at age 11/12 when all of my friends were chasing boys I was still at home playing with dolls and watching TV shows aimed at preschoolers. Most of my friends say that they see me as the 'little one' because I have always been a little more naive and a little more innocent than them, and probably emotionally immature. I need a lot of looking after I guess. In that way I think that there are a lot of aspects of being 'little' which are actually a very real part of my adult self, rather than something I act out as an adult.

    Certainly this is undoubtedly a fundamental part of me, and most of the time when I wear a diaper, suck on a pacifier or wear babyish or childish clothing (whether it be AB clothing like footed sleepers or, like you, just more childish clothing like cute underwear and pyjamas) I just feel like me. In fact, I would go so far as to say having these things makes me feel complete. Growing up when I didn't have access to these things (pacifiers, diapers, footed sleepers) I always felt a bit like something was missing, and I always dreamed of having access to these things more than I dreamed of being babied or regressing. This part of me is very much intrinsic and something I think I need to feel safe and secure, and now as an adult having access to these things definitely has a positive impact on me. I feel happiest when I am in a situation where it is okay to suck on a pacifier, not as an AB, but just as an adult who wants or needs that to feel secure. Most of the time when I am wearing a diaper, sucking on a pacifier or footed pyjamas I do so as an adult who feels most complete when she can do those things, and not as a person who is trying to regress or be like a baby. It is just a part of me.

    That said, I do have a definite AB side. There is a part of me which does regress into a baby/toddler state of mind when the situation is right, although I would argue that that is as much a part of me as my adult side. Certainly I don't think I am ever 'acting' when I regress and take on my little mindset, it is something I slip into sometimes rather than something I consciously try to achieve. However, I would say that has only developed as I have gotten older; when I was younger, even as a teen, my little side was something I slipped into a lot, especially at home. I would use babytalk around the house and act like a toddler around my family a lot of the time; it was a place I felt comfortable to do so. As I got older it became more and more necessary I suppose to separate my little self and my adult self, and so now I have needed to create an AB side I think. Even so, still when I am with somebody I feel very comfortable I will find I start to slip in and out of 'little mode' without even realising - my ex-boyfriend grew to hate it, how he never knew if he was talking to an adult or a toddler, as he put it. This separation is I think something I have had to do in order to function and get on in an adult world, but if it were appropriate to slip into 'little mode' around others I think I probably would, and the side of me which enjoys regression and being cared for as an infant would probably come out a lot more than it currently does now.

  4. #4

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    Even though I am male, I can identify with both of you (babyjess and Kara) a lot! I was always behind my peers as well, both emotionally and physically.

    I never dated in high school, mostly because I knew the girls, even the younger ones, saw me as more like a little brother than a date. Another example of me being behind emotionally, is my mother and the school officials had discussions when I was in about the 4th grade (age 8 or 9) of holding me back a year so I would fit in better with my peers. They decided against, because I was actually ahead academically, and they were afraid I'd be bored to death. Plus, my self-esteem was already so fragile, they were afraid holding me back might really hurt me more than help me. Of course, I was having baby related thoughts during my whole childhood, and doing thinks like 'borrowing' a younger cousins plastic pants, etc.

    Something else kinda odd. I didn't have my first ejaculation until I was in college (about age 20), which is obviously several years later than the average. *it was in my sleep. it was a dream of a girl in diaper. LOL* TMI?

    Anyway, even now, in my 30s, I don't feel as old as I am. I still like to play childish games and stuff at times. I love being around my nieces and nephews so I have a good excuse to act like kid again!

    I've never had the chance to have anyone 'baby' me since I've been an adult, but I think I'd really enjoy it, and I much envy that part of many on ADISC. I still hope to get married one day and have a spouse who would induge me sometimes.

    Anyway, back to reality, the first part of my adulthood, I lived with my parents so couldn't do much. Although, I did get some diapers, plastic pants and a Nuk 5. Now, I live alone in my own place and can indulge a little more, and just a couple of weeks ago got my first onsie and plushie! My immediate family knows my secret, but I think they think I'm not doing it anymore... not sure. Anyway, it's still pretty hidden. Actually using my real dog for an avatar and the details in some of my posts is really a lot of coming out for me! Also... my baby side tends to be female. Oddly enough though, my adult side isn't a cross-dresser or female at all. I think it just makes me feel more babyish. I think it also has to do with the fact that my nearest sibling is a sister, and I think I identified her being a girl (along with be a baby) as the reasons she stole all of MY attention from Mom when she was born. Therefore, along with wanting the diapers and baby things (as I elaborated on in another thread), I wanted to 'be' a girl so that I could have my Mom back.

    Anyway, to try and steer it back to topic. I'm like babyjess, in that my adult and AB sides are separate but also the same. I like to dress in my baby things and still do adult things around the house at the same time and it just makes me feel like me, and most of the times I just FEEL younger than I am. Sometimes I just seem to identify easier with people a lot younger than me. That is until I try to a a REAL conversion with one. That's when I realize how much older I really am. There times though, that I also like to regress, and my AB side comes out and of course, there is a sexual side with it for me too (see above. )

  5. #5

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    Hi all, thanks for the replies! It's very interesting, and I'm thinking about it a bit.
    One thing that I suddenly realised this morning is that if I'm wearing diapers & cover pants I don't feel like a child or something like that ... I feel just very much female (in a physical sense). Maybe that is because it sort of leads the attention to the bits that make the difference, so to speak. But I'm not sure.
    It might also be that because I've always felt relatively carefree and safe when wearing that, it has become a state of "shutting off my fretting" and sort of concentrating on the physical being - if that makes any sense ...

    Maybe it has become associated with being totally myself, away from all possible worries about the job or whatever. Similar yo how someone might be able to take a deep breath and relax as soon as they can take off their business suit at home.

    Anyhow, that "female" sensation is very strong. I like it, it feels right

  6. #6

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    Wow. You've got a pretty good handle on yourself there. Good that you've found the link with your ADD as well. (en nederlander, joepiejeuh!! wees welkom!) It got me thinking about how it works for me and a lot of the similarities (bedwetting, developmental problems, not being interested in boy-girl games etc). For me it's also very much a part of dealing with the stresses daily life puts on me, a way to go back to a safer time and place.. a lot of people on here will tell you the same, I guess. But for me it's not 'real' as you say, definitely play. I don't bring my AB/DL side into my daily life at all, I can't do it without shocking people. Its just not acceptable for a guy like me to act childish in normal life, even if I wanted to. And doing it secretly would just add to the general stress factor. So I keep them separate and sometimes cross the line to play, but that's what I consider it: play. It feels like a bit of an act to me, not a deeper, fundamental part of me that I can only let out on those occassions.

    And I don't know.. wilfully acting like a child? Is that so bad? Imagine willfully acting like an adult...now, that's bad!

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    Wow. You've got a pretty good handle on yourself there.
    You think so? I don't particularly think about myself like that .. I mean, I can be pretty insecure and feel like a stranger in a strange world.



    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    Good that you've found the link with your ADD as well.
    Well, it's not a hard fact .. it's only been suggested. But indeed, it makes some sort of sense.



    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    en nederlander, joepiejeuh!! wees welkom!)
    Ahh, gegroet, waarde landgenoot!



    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    It got me thinking about how it works for me and a lot of the similarities (bedwetting, developmental problems, not being interested in boy-girl games etc). For me it's also very much a part of dealing with the stresses daily life puts on me, a way to go back to a safer time and place.. a lot of people on here will tell you the same, I guess.
    That's indeed what I've read a couple of times.



    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    But for me it's not 'real' as you say, definitely play. I don't bring my AB/DL side into my daily life at all, I can't do it without shocking people.
    Its just not acceptable for a guy like me to act childish in normal life, even if I wanted to.
    Well - I think that to really act childish isn't accepted from a woman either. But you are right: it's even less acceptable from a guy.

    But anyhow, I don't desire to "act childish". It's more that how I am seems to have some childlike elements .. but it doesn't look like "a woman acting as a little girl". At least, I hope it doesn't - it is more like this: I'm sometimes mind-boggingly naive .. people can pull my leg with the simplest jokes and I will fall for them time and time again. I just can't help it. I never understand my colleague's jokes. I can really be brought to tears if, say, someone in a shop acts a bit grumpy towards me. Another friend used to tease me a bit like this: she'd start to talk about some object as if it was a living creature .. say, a damaged lantern post that we passed on the street. She'd go on about that he was probably very lonely and sad, and now he was damaged he'd probably be replaced soon .. well, you can reduce me to tears within a few minutes like that. I do try to resist, but it's useless. I've really hated that side of me on occasion

    But I also notice it when dealing with children. It's not that I do anything in particular; it is more that I cannot imagine how I should act "as an adult".
    This is difficult to describe.... maybe an example is better: I've been in situations where I was supposed to supervise a group of (playing) children. As long as nothing happens that requires me to take action, I'm fine. But if, say, a fight breaks out and I have to go and correct the perpetrators *as an adult* - I can't. I know that somehow I have to put myself in another position, above them, as an adult. Sure, if one kid is trying to hit another one over the head with a stick I'll make sure they won't. But then I look at them, and I really can't imagine how I should justify what I just did. In the end, I will talk to them of course, but it is always "as a peer", and not "as an adult". It's very weird, because everyone else seems to have a sort of automatic reflex when they address children. They assume a certain role, even if it is only ever so slightly different, that makes it very clear for everyone that they are the adult, and that there is a definite difference in position with the child they are addressing.

    On the other side, I have the exact same thing with people that most others feel are placed above them. My impulse is just that I want to act friendly to anyone. It doesn't matter if it's a 4 year old neighbour kid, or the CEO of BlahBlah Enterprises Plc.

    ow, time to get back on track ..





    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    And doing it secretly would just add to the general stress factor. So I keep them separate and sometimes cross the line to play, but that's what I consider it: play. It feels like a bit of an act to me, not a deeper, fundamental part of me that I can only let out on those occasions.
    ok, I see .. thanks, that's very helpful to know.




    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    And I don't know.. wilfully acting like a child? Is that so bad?
    LOL
    no, of course not. But she sure made it sound like it was.
    Bad, manipulative, weird. I was quite a blow, and it took me some time to get myself together again, and to realise that it was just her projection.



    Quote Originally Posted by LoFiCopter View Post
    Imagine willfully acting like an adult...now, that's bad!
    I think that lots of managers secretly indulge in that sort of thing

  8. #8

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    Imagine willfully acting like an adult...now, that's bad!
    I think that lots of managers secretly indulge in that sort of thing
    and wear diapers at home.. sshhht... now they're gonna find me out :S
    Just joking. But I guess that for me it works a little bit like that. Coming from that angle, being slightly childlike in your reactions to the world around you? I'd say that's good thing, cherish it! Just be careful around people that may wanna take advantage of it. Jealousy could be part of that too. I know I would love to be able to be in the world like that again, I imagine a lot of people would.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kara View Post
    I just can't help it. I never understand my colleague's jokes. I can really be brought to tears if, say, someone in a shop acts a bit grumpy towards me. Another friend used to tease me a bit like this: she'd start to talk about some object as if it was a living creature .. say, a damaged lantern post that we passed on the street. She'd go on about that he was probably very lonely and sad, and now he was damaged he'd probably be replaced soon .. well, you can reduce me to tears within a few minutes like that. I do try to resist, but it's useless. I've really hated that side of me on occasion
    You'd probably hate me then - I do that kind of joke ALL THE TIME.... :-p



    Do you consider your being AB/TB as "play" or "real" ?
    My instinct is (as usual) to square the circle and say "it's real play"

    If you think of a footballer, part of who they are is defined by the game they play for a few hours a week, and when they're on the pitch playing the game, they are players in the game, with a certain number on their shirt for their team, but it's still them, even if they are behaving in a rather weird way because they are following the rules of a sport. Running around after a ball is not something you'd be called upon to do in normal life, but it's one way of exercising your body and skills that can be very satisfying, especially because you wouldn't get to act like that in normal life.

    So yeah... when I get dressed up in diapers and my little clothes and do ABDL stuff it is sort of like a game that I'm playing, or a role that I'm acting, but I do it because there is a real part of who I am that I'm not able to express in other ways and (because I'm a DL especially) I have desires that I can only satisfy using diapers.

    I've never found that I regress during ABDL play, but I get to act and indulge desires that I'm not able to in my everyday life, or my everyday personality.
    I don't know if this is *why* I am ABDL or if it is partly a product of it, but when I was a kid, especially after the age of 8/9 I was in a big hurry to grow up.


    Imagine willfully acting like an adult...now, that's bad!
    ^ Me all over.
    In that respect I guess I'm the opposite of the rest of you: I always felt like I was too advanced for the rest of my classmates - I was *so over* "acting like a kid" "pointlessly messing around" and all that... I was good at school, I could read at a really advanced level (at 12 had a reading age that was above 21, I‘m a terrible writer though.) Outside school I was the eldest in our gang of neighbourhood kids, I was the leader and temporary “grown up.” I was always hiding or repressing my childishness, and it means as an adult I’m really “uptight” and I find doing anything silly / getting anything wrong really embarrassing.
    I don’t know if it’s because in my mind I was dimly aware from an early age that those things had sexual overtones for me, and I was ashamed of them and had to keep them hidden, but it seems likely.
    I also notice that I can get rather childish with people when I flirt with them - I’m normally really soft spoken and restrained, but when I’m attracted to a person I can make up stories to tell them, I wave my arms around, I brag and I tease people (I‘m not really mean, usually my teasing makes them smile J) < I’m not sure if this is really because I’m emotionally immature :-p

    I think it’s because I can’t integrate any of my childishness into my adult personality that I find ABDL play is a blessed release from the pressures of keeping all my so called “childishness” bottled up, and when I’m playing I feel really safe, and “free to be me.”

  10. #10

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    I have never participated in ageplay until now, nor have I done a lot about my (obviously existing) AB side, except wear diapers from time to time. However, I'm pretty sure that being an AB would be playing a role for me. I'm very well aware that I am a (young) adult, and due to several circumstances I had to grow up emotionally a lot faster than most of the kids my age. At the age of 13, I started to frequent a lot of forums, and sometimes people thought I was lying about my age - my typing style and vocabulary were unusual for a 13-year-old. I actually think this has been one of the reasons that I'm an AB - my inner child was left behind early on, and is struggling to fight back after all these years. Ironically, as a teenager I've mostly been a DL without AB-related feelings, but they became stronger as I got older.

    But being a baby/toddler could never feel as the ultimate reality to me. During ageplay, I'd be too well-aware of my grown body, my too advanced intellectual processing and my inability to switch my maturity off. I sincerely hope that I'll find some more moments of inner peace in the future, within or outside of ageplay. And I hope to get more oppurtunities to do this...

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