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Thread: Question for gay guys - partners and changing

  1. #1

    Default Question for gay guys - partners and changing

    So... I'm gay, and my partner was weirded out when I first told him about my interest in AB stuff. I'm lucky in that I'm very much an AB, not really very DL at all, it's all about the emotional intimacy for me, and that helped him get it - once I explained it's not really sexual or a fetish, he came round to the idea and he even tried a bit of baby stuff with me. He now thinks I'm "f***ing adorable" (his exact words) and I have to tell him when I'm in grown-up mode otherwise he talks down to me on the phone!

    The thing is... baking and colouring with a cute-but-oversized kid is one thing, and changing nappies is another. I've already told him I don't expect him to do that, and I don't completely know how I'd feel if he suggested we try - the little side of me finds it appealing, but I'm not sure that's a way I want my partner to see me if we're still trying to have a grown-up life. But I do know that one of my big AB dreams is to some day experience having a messy nappy changed by a loving caretaker that I have a special bond with, and I don't know whether I could find that bond with anyone who wasn't a partner to start with. I have a pretty bad history and it takes me a lot to trust people with emotional intimacy.

    My partner has said exactly one thing about the whole idea of nappy changes which is that he's not doing it full stop - and I respect that completely, though I also know he has a bit of a tendency to say a knee-jerk no to things he changes his mind about later.

    My question is, have any of you been in a similar situation? Do partners sometimes come round to changing or messing in this kind of relationship? Or do they mostly draw the line at messing like a lot of people seem to? Or, on the other hand, do I sound more as if I'm in the kind of situation where I should think about it as a kink he doesn't share, and focus on getting better with trust and looking for a caretaker who isn't my partner? (I think non-monogamy could be OK for us in a clear context like that). I know part of it is I need to talk to him more and try things out, but I have so little experience with all this I don't really know what the options are...

  2. #2

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    To me now, having been through a few boyfriends, and many friends who've all at one point or another changed me (or had me change them), trust me when I say it isn't as big of a deal as you see it. The messy nappies are, and you'll struggle to find a caretaker who'll do this for you (unless you're ultra cute/young, and most people aren't - I'm not :P). That being said there still are people out there who are in to it.

    In terms of how it might effect your relationship, I think if you make a big deal out of it, it will be one. But if you don't and it happens naturally, then throw caution to the wind and let it happen. Some boyfriends I'd imagine, would find it kinda gross. Hell, I still do to some extent. I'm not the keenest on changing nappies :P. I never have been, but I do it for those I care about, because it's a close/loving thing you do with someone you care about. And helps people to cub out, and get in the mood, which is great all round .

    That being said, I've never gone out with someone who isn't an AB, so it could very much depend on this. If you've brought it up, and he's agreed with you about not doing it when you mentioned it, yet he has gotten involved in other aspects, then why push your luck? The way I see it is, enjoy what you have, maybe bring it up again at some point to confirm exactly what he thinks about it, but I really wouldn't push too far.

    If that's the case though, I wouldn't fret. There are lots of Daddies/Caretakers about, and there's no reason you can't have a brother/older brother or daddy/son relationship with one of them, who'll change messy nappies, without it affecting the relationship you have with your boyfriend. There's no written rule in life saying that you have to be close with one person, and one person only. It's more like, there are different types of relationships that everyone craves, and sometimes someone craves several different types of relationships, that no one person can fill. Maybe the next conversation you should have with your other half should involve asking him what he would think if you were to find a caretaker .

  3. #3
    Peachy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Luca View Post
    and you'll struggle to find a caretaker who'll do this for you (unless you're ultra cute/young, and most people aren't - I'm not :P). That being said there still are people out there who are in to it.
    I think that's also a function of age and experience: After a certain age, your body mentally prepares you for having babies of your own, and let's face it: Babies don't ask for permission to soil their diaper, so you're bound to change quite a few of them before the kid can be potty trained. From what my brother has told me about his son, there's some really bad ones among them too...worse than anything most adults could do.

    On the other hand I can see your partner's reservations with cleaning diapers, especially messy ones. I mean in a relationship, you're supposed to be attracted to the other person, and after X years of seeing and appreciating your naked clean body, seeing your crotch soaked in pee or poop may cause him to lose that attraction quickly, so there's certainly a risk involved that you have to consider.

    Peachy

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Luca View Post
    If you've brought it up, and he's agreed with you about not doing it when you mentioned it, yet he has gotten involved in other aspects, then why push your luck? The way I see it is, enjoy what you have, maybe bring it up again at some point to confirm exactly what he thinks about it, but I really wouldn't push too far.
    I didn't actually bring up the idea of changing, I explained that I do wear and use nappies, and he had a chav moment and freaked out on me without even being asked about it XD He does get like that sometimes and it's often stuff he'll revisit later and see things differetly, but I know better than to try to push. I'm not even sure I'd want him to see me like that anyway, I think Peachy makes a very good point.



    Quote Originally Posted by Luca View Post
    If that's the case though, I wouldn't fret. There are lots of Daddies/Caretakers about, and there's no reason you can't have a brother/older brother or daddy/son relationship with one of them, who'll change messy nappies, without it affecting the relationship you have with your boyfriend. There's no written rule in life saying that you have to be close with one person, and one person only. It's more like, there are different types of relationships that everyone craves, and sometimes someone craves several different types of relationships, that no one person can fill. Maybe the next conversation you should have with your other half should involve asking him what he would think if you were to find a caretaker .
    We have talked about this sort of stuff before, just not with any specific reason it might happen. I used to be polyamorous a while ago but I kind of gave it up after a really bad train wreck, and I'm a bit wary of going back to it just for the sake of self indulgence. He's asked me whether I think I might want someone else a few years down the line, but my gut feeling is I'd have to know it was something I really couldn't live without before I'd go that far. I mean, this might well turn out to be that kind of thing, but I won't know that for sure until I've explored more and lived with it a while.



    Quote Originally Posted by Peachy View Post
    I think that's also a function of age and experience: After a certain age, your body mentally prepares you for having babies of your own, and let's face it: Babies don't ask for permission to soil their diaper, so you're bound to change quite a few of them before the kid can be potty trained. From what my brother has told me about his son, there's some really bad ones among them too...worse than anything most adults could do.
    Heh. We've had conversations about having real kids in the past and he was pretty horrified by the idea of changing their nappies, too. He's a few years younger than me so I guess at his age he's allowed to be He wouldn't get much sympathy off me for thinking like that if we really did have a baby to take care of, but that sort of thing's a long way off yet...



    Quote Originally Posted by Peachy View Post
    On the other hand I can see your partner's reservations with cleaning diapers, especially messy ones. I mean in a relationship, you're supposed to be attracted to the other person, and after X years of seeing and appreciating your naked clean body, seeing your crotch soaked in pee or poop may cause him to lose that attraction quickly, so there's certainly a risk involved that you have to consider.
    Yeah - that's what bothers me. I don't think I want to do that to our relationship!

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Peachy View Post
    From what my brother has told me about his son, there's some really bad ones among them too...worse than anything most adults could do.
    Like when Junior had too many grapes. Fortunately the wife did the change, although I had to hose down the porch and sidewalk. I can't imagine if it had happened in the house. I think arson would have been justifiable.

    Junior's lucky we didn't just put him out with the trash and try again.

  6. #6
    Peachy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Like when Junior had too many grapes. Fortunately the wife did the change, although I had to hose down the porch and sidewalk. I can't imagine if it had happened in the house. I think arson would have been justifiable.

    Junior's lucky we didn't just put him out with the trash and try again.

    ROFL. What trash can do kids go into? Paper? Plastics? Biodegradable? Or are they returnables, so you get the (sperm) deposit back?
    However, my nephew hasn't started eating anything but his mom's milk, so grapes haven't been a problem yet.

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