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Thread: Parents Divorcing

  1. #1

    Unhappy Parents Divorcing

    *Sigh.* Well, this is lovely...

    Let's start this out clearly. When I was 3 years old, my Mom divorced my bio dad for being abusive towards me, and her. I was young at the time, and didn't understand it. When I was 10, my bio dad finally stopped seeing me. This was kinda out of the blue, and the last time I saw him was in a very aggressive light, in which he and... my step mother... went about throwing both the Christmas tree, AND the fucking Menorah out the window (Yes, I was raised Jewish [Dad] and Catholic [Mom], go figure that one out).

    Anyway, that kinda fucked me up. That, on top of coming out to my parents as a TB at the time, wasn't helping. Over the past 6 years, I'm still trying to get over it. It's hard to let it go, the way things went. There's a lot more to it than that, including a whole fiasco about my dad lying to me about the wedding and shit... lot of crazy stuff.

    Since I was roughly 3 or 4, my mom got together with my step dad. My step dad was a really nice guy, honestly. He did hardwood flooring for a living, made tons of cash, and was good at what he did. He was nice, caring, ETC ETC. He and my mother got married when I was 5.

    I forget how old I was, but, my step dad got into a bad car accident in the winter. His car went down a very steep hill, and flipped. His shoulder was gravely injured. He can use it now, but, it was fucked up for a while. Obviously, he couldn't work, and we lost our house. Eventually, we moved into where we are now. He fell deep into depression... in front of myself and my mother, tried to kill himself with a large glass container-thingy. Like a giant fruit bowl? Whatever. Anyway, he was admitted, came out after a while, and was put on meds. My mother stayed with him through that. It took him a VERY long time, but, he eventually found some that worked right for him. Well, he stopped taking them. Why? Because he just did.

    Now, whenever he DOESN'T take his pills (which is fairly often) he has an attitude towards EVERYONE, and sleeps on the couch all day. He hasn't taken a fucking shower in 2 weeks for shit's sake! Still, my mom tried staying with him. Even after she found other girls' phone numbers in his car. Even after she found text messages, she stayed with him. Well, he finally got some government benefits! Yay. Then he met his cousin, whom he hadn't ever met before, Scott.

    Scott's an asshole. Kinda homophobic, too, if you ask me, and an ex-pimp/drug dealer. Yeah, my step dad takes advice from him! Ain't that nice? Though, he does have a wife and a kid and shit.

    So, my dad started being more of an asshole. The house and marriage has been falling apart, and he didn't/doesn't fucking care. He left my mom for a week to go upstate with Scott, knowing my mom was super depressed and lonely because he never goes into her fucking room to check up on her, I do!

    It's come to a point recently where they decided they were getting a divorce. Over the past few days, my parents have been fighting. It's now gotten to a point where they're SCREAMING at each other every day. But, it's gotten to another point just a half hour ago, where now they aren't gonna talk. Me and my mother are going to be moving out to a friend's house. I'm gonna start working (something I was already planning on doing) and once that's all good... well, I will probably be moving to another country. (I would like to keep that kinda private, if you all don't mind.)

    My mom, over the past few months, has been talking to this guy she met. This guy is so nice, so sweet- even I've talked to him. He honestly cares for my mother, and he wants her to move in with him. My mom says that this man makes her feel like she wants to live again. Seeing and hearing this tears me apart, because I want her to be happy and she can't be living here right now! So, soon, I'm going to be moving with my mom into the friend's house across town. It'll be a small step into the next chapter of my life. My youngest brother will probably stay with my dad, and my full blood brother, the middle one, will stay with this friend. He's best friends with her son, and she is helping my mom get through this, too. My dad has been making kinda threatening remarks to my brother, because he's been being rude to him and shit. Neither side there is right. I, though, would be (will be) moving with my mom to this other country.

    I'm kinda scared... Well, maybe not scared, but, nervous. This is all hitting me so hard so fast. I've known my step dad for so many years, it's kinda depressing to see him act like this. He was never like this... he was happy, energetic! He wanted things and got them the easiest way he could, and was kind to all of us. My mom was happy, and energetic, and would take me and my brothers out places and we were happy! Now, we're not, and in order for us to be we need to split up. My mom is letting my youngest bro stay with my step dad because he's my step dad's only blood related son, and Wayne wants to go with him, not my mom.

    This is all just... ugh. I don't even know. Does anyone have advice? Has anyone gone through this? Please, I mean... this is like, number 2 for me... what do I do? How do I cope with this? What can I do to better this situation?

    ~Mikey117


  2. #2
    Vampy

    Default

    Sorry for all of your troubles. I've had problems with my parent fighting a lot in the past so , I kinda know how you feel.

  3. #3

    Default

    That's definitely a big pile all at once. I haven't gone through my parents divorcing, though I have gone through plenty of them fighting. It's a... great feeling to be stuck in your upstairs bedroom while your dad is preparing to burn the house down and your parents are discussing (yelling) about who wants the damn dog and the damn kid. (Nobody wanted either at the moment; my dad said to let us burn--thankfully he didn't actually follow through.) There were similar scenarios all throughout my childhood and adolescence. One of the hardest things was that, kinda like your stepdad, my mom was (is) depressed. It's a hard thing to watch somebody you love get like that, to the point of telling you that they want to kill themselves.

    At many points, I actually wished my parents would divorce. It would have made things more chaotic for a while while everybody re-settled, but they simply do not get along well and they make each other miserable (and their misery didn't make things easy on me growing up, either). You said it yourself--in order for your family to be happy again (albeit separately), it sounds like a divorce is necessary. It sounds like your mom and step-dad have it set as far as where everybody will be going. That's good; I don't imagine a custody battle would be fun, though I'm kinda afraid for your youngest brother (your step-dad doesn't sound phenomenally stable).

    As far as what you can do right now... Go with it; there's not a whole lot you can do. In the same situation, I guess I would try to stuff my own feelings down and help out however I could (moving stuff, etc.), basically trying to make things go smoothly. Actually, the 'stuffing feelings down' part probably isn't healthy; I learned that one kind of late. Find somebody to talk to, either IRL or here, if you need to vent about anything. I don't know if you'd be one to do this, but blowing up at your mom or step-dad right now would probably be a bad thing. I don't know how your relationship with your mom is (I'm sorta guessing it's pretty good), but if you're nervous about things, it may help to talk about your thoughts and fears with her.

    Other than that... I don't know you that well, but from this post it sounds like you have already started to deal with things. The phrase 'a good head on your shoulders' comes to mind. Best wishes, Mikeru.

  4. #4

    Default

    Hugs mikeru divorces are one of those life changing events like foster care was to me, in that you never completely get over it. Being life changing doesn't have to be all bad. I have discovered many good qualities that came from all my bad experiences and any one can do it with any situation. You can also look at this from the point of view that things could have gotten worse if your mom and step dad stayed together. I know that really doesn't make things okay but once everything calms down again, that's something you can think about. You deserve to be happy and to have a level life and so does your mom. If you think about it so does your step dad. It's very sad that this is how it turned out for all of you but some times divorce is for the best.

    I really do wish hope and pray that things get better for you. You sound like a person who has persevered through a lot and you will persevere through this one.

    Hugs again.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Mikeru117 View Post
    *Sigh.* Well, this is lovely...

    Let's start this out clearly. When I was 3 years old, my Mom divorced my bio dad for being abusive towards me, and her. I was young at the time, and didn't understand it. When I was 10, my bio dad finally stopped seeing me. This was kinda out of the blue, and the last time I saw him was in a very aggressive light, in which he and... my step mother... went about throwing both the Christmas tree, AND the fucking Menorah out the window (Yes, I was raised Jewish [Dad] and Catholic [Mom], go figure that one out).

    Anyway, that kinda fucked me up. That, on top of coming out to my parents as a TB at the time, wasn't helping. Over the past 6 years, I'm still trying to get over it. It's hard to let it go, the way things went. There's a lot more to it than that, including a whole fiasco about my dad lying to me about the wedding and shit... lot of crazy stuff.

    Since I was roughly 3 or 4, my mom got together with my step dad. My step dad was a really nice guy, honestly. He did hardwood flooring for a living, made tons of cash, and was good at what he did. He was nice, caring, ETC ETC. He and my mother got married when I was 5.

    I forget how old I was, but, my step dad got into a bad car accident in the winter. His car went down a very steep hill, and flipped. His shoulder was gravely injured. He can use it now, but, it was fucked up for a while. Obviously, he couldn't work, and we lost our house. Eventually, we moved into where we are now. He fell deep into depression... in front of myself and my mother, tried to kill himself with a large glass container-thingy. Like a giant fruit bowl? Whatever. Anyway, he was admitted, came out after a while, and was put on meds. My mother stayed with him through that. It took him a VERY long time, but, he eventually found some that worked right for him. Well, he stopped taking them. Why? Because he just did.

    Now, whenever he DOESN'T take his pills (which is fairly often) he has an attitude towards EVERYONE, and sleeps on the couch all day. He hasn't taken a fucking shower in 2 weeks for shit's sake! Still, my mom tried staying with him. Even after she found other girls' phone numbers in his car. Even after she found text messages, she stayed with him. Well, he finally got some government benefits! Yay. Then he met his cousin, whom he hadn't ever met before, Scott.

    Scott's an asshole. Kinda homophobic, too, if you ask me, and an ex-pimp/drug dealer. Yeah, my step dad takes advice from him! Ain't that nice? Though, he does have a wife and a kid and shit.

    So, my dad started being more of an asshole. The house and marriage has been falling apart, and he didn't/doesn't fucking care. He left my mom for a week to go upstate with Scott, knowing my mom was super depressed and lonely because he never goes into her fucking room to check up on her, I do!

    It's come to a point recently where they decided they were getting a divorce. Over the past few days, my parents have been fighting. It's now gotten to a point where they're SCREAMING at each other every day. But, it's gotten to another point just a half hour ago, where now they aren't gonna talk. Me and my mother are going to be moving out to a friend's house. I'm gonna start working (something I was already planning on doing) and once that's all good... well, I will probably be moving to another country. (I would like to keep that kinda private, if you all don't mind.)

    My mom, over the past few months, has been talking to this guy she met. This guy is so nice, so sweet- even I've talked to him. He honestly cares for my mother, and he wants her to move in with him. My mom says that this man makes her feel like she wants to live again. Seeing and hearing this tears me apart, because I want her to be happy and she can't be living here right now! So, soon, I'm going to be moving with my mom into the friend's house across town. It'll be a small step into the next chapter of my life. My youngest brother will probably stay with my dad, and my full blood brother, the middle one, will stay with this friend. He's best friends with her son, and she is helping my mom get through this, too. My dad has been making kinda threatening remarks to my brother, because he's been being rude to him and shit. Neither side there is right. I, though, would be (will be) moving with my mom to this other country.

    I'm kinda scared... Well, maybe not scared, but, nervous. This is all hitting me so hard so fast. I've known my step dad for so many years, it's kinda depressing to see him act like this. He was never like this... he was happy, energetic! He wanted things and got them the easiest way he could, and was kind to all of us. My mom was happy, and energetic, and would take me and my brothers out places and we were happy! Now, we're not, and in order for us to be we need to split up. My mom is letting my youngest bro stay with my step dad because he's my step dad's only blood related son, and Wayne wants to go with him, not my mom.

    This is all just... ugh. I don't even know. Does anyone have advice? Has anyone gone through this? Please, I mean... this is like, number 2 for me... what do I do? How do I cope with this? What can I do to better this situation?

    ~Mikey117

    *hugs Mikey*

    Really sorry that you're going through that. I share Tygon's concerns about Wayne, too.

    Once things have settled down, you and your mom will hopefully be happier, and have a much less stressful life.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Moo View Post
    *hugs Mikey*

    Really sorry that you're going through that. I share Tygon's concerns about Wayne, too.

    Once things have settled down, you and your mom will hopefully be happier, and have a much less stressful life.
    Yeahhhh... but then I need to learn (as does she) another language, gain citizenship elsewhere... very much a pain in the ass! ><

  7. #7

    Default

    I haven't been through anything like this, but you have my deepest sympathies.

  8. #8

    Default

    My parents separated when I was 8. It all seemed so sudden too, kinda out of nowhere. They stayed just separated for a few years before dad decided on the divorce. Now, my dad remarried to this weird Colombian woman. I have nothing against this country, everything against the woman. It's neigh impossible to communicate due to language barriers, but from what I've heard from my sister who speaks Spanish, she's a terrible person. She has said and done things that made me wonder why he liked her. Luckily, I don't see her often. However, she is trying to keep dad away from me and the rest of our family.

    I can't write about everything on here since it is kinda personal, but if you have questions or anything don't be afraid to send me a message.
    I wanna help in any way I can, so don't be afraid to ask, Okay?

  9. #9

    Default

    Mikeru,

    I empathize with you. My mother died when imwas born, and my father in total was married 7 times to 5 women. I was mainly raised by one of my mother's sisters, but I also had some interesting but fairly short periods living with my father and his current wife. These sojourns with my father always involved a lot of drama. To top things off, I had a surgical misadventure that made me incontinent when I was 14.

    There's an old saying: Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I survived, became pretty tough, and have lived to become an onerie old geezer. I hope you can do the same. When you're grown and out on your own, you can make wharever you want of your life. So hang in there! It will get better eventually.

  10. #10

    Default

    Hi Mike,

    I've seen this from the outside - my wife and her kids went through something that wasn't as dramatic , but which still hit them really hard (replace the abuse with losing one parent and the other going senile at the same time, and add a learning-disabled child into the equation)

    It was difficult, and there are still bits of it that haven't resolved ten or twelve years on. But it has not destroyed them. There is a way through, however dark it may seem, and with the support of friends you can trust you will make it. We will be here rooting for you...

    Hugs,

    Artie

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