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Thread: Split identities, feelings of guilt?

  1. #1

    Question Split identities, feelings of guilt?

    Okay this is one of my first posts in a long time here at ADISC so bear with me.

    Anyways just as I come back to my AB* side after a month or two of forgetting or ignoring about it I noticed how I feel like my AB/DL side doesn't really mesh well with my I guess you could say 'other' side. It is almost like a case of unknown identities? Like I accept my AB side but it doesn't feel natural. Whenever I'm embracing my AB side it feels like I'm cheating the truth or my true self. I'm just wondering whether anyone else has experience such feelings about their fetish??

  2. #2

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    I sorta feel the same way.
    Sometimes when trying to indulge some, it is like there is another bit of me that finds it... odd. Like how the general population finds *B/DL-ism odd.
    That half of me wants to beat the crap out of the BF half of me so often it ain't funny. That, and it never felt right to do it, like I'm disappointing everything.

    Maybe it is just how I was raised =/

  3. #3

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    I understand what you're saying, and even at my age and having done it for almost a lifetime, I sometimes feel it. When I was a teenager, then yes, all the time. Being comfortable with it comes over time and repeated participation. But regressing to the state of a toddler or younger, wearing and using diapers is not something most people do. Naturally, we have a mental image of what we should be like, and television studs certainly encourage that image. I haven't seen too many action heroes saving the day while wearing a diaper and saying dah dah. It's no wonder it can mess with how we see ourselves and accept ourselves.

  4. #4
    nimimerkki702

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    I have also had this expirience, and I keep having them still It sometimes just ruins the moment. Sometimeso when I've just padded myself, and then I feel the need to throw the diapers away, is annoying... I hope that feeling dissapears as time passes by...

  5. #5

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    I often feel the same way, except the other way around. I wouldn't quite call it guilt. I feel like the "me" I show to other people is mostly fake. But, it's a combination of other secret stuff added to this. Transgender, AB/DL, furry... probably in that order. Those are the main things. So it's not just about being an AB for me. Anyway, even though it's sorta the other way around, the end result is often the same. I end up feeling like some kind of freak that no one will ever accept. (Though I have not purged for years & I refuse to do so!) I tend to blame others in general though, rather than myself, at least for the most part. I know I would not be hurting anyone by being myself. I don't feel like I am doing something wrong, but rather that people are too mean and judgmental.
    Last edited by ShippoFox; 03-Mar-2011 at 13:34.

  6. #6

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    For me it is a world that must be kept separate from reality. Much like a day/night situation.

  7. #7

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    ShippoFox,
    Your reply resonates deeply with me. I too feel the mask I wear for others is more what they want to see (or I want them to see, or believe they wish to see) than the real person I am. And, I've been doing it for so long that I wonder sometimes who the real *me* is. I also struggle with trans-gender as well as AB/DL and ADHD. How do I make my way through the world, keeping up appearances, yet being somewhat true to myself at'tha same time? I don't have a good answer. Sometimes I let myself get waaay too far out on'na limb- like wearing a too bulky diaper for my fitted jeans at work, or my fave pair of too cute pink'n white Skecher tennies, or..., or...
    I think that, sometimes, I just haf'ta rebel a bit (or lot) against what everyone says I am/should be. I revel in'tha *me* I am...however appropriate that may be.
    I hope that makes sense.

    WM

  8. #8

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    I've felt this way as well, lately, and I've returned to counseling to try and understand it.

    Honestly, the act of wearing diapers is not the problem--it's the motivation behind it. So far, I've learned a few things about what social isolation can do to me. For eight years--elementary school to high school--I was socially isolated due to a strong distrust of my peers that I learned over several years of emotionally-abusive bullying. My school system did little-to-nothing to protect me, and so I also learned to distrust the adults in my life. At the same time, my parents were over-protective and I became submissive in my most intimate relationships.

    Over the years, I learned (incorrectly) that the adults in my life were dominant and didn't give a f*** about my well-being, and I learned that my peers were horrible people who would stab my back at any given opportunity. Granted, I thought this was normal--I really did believe all of this for a very, very long time. I became perfectionistic to hide my vulnerabilities, because I figured that nobody could hurt me if there was nothing to poke at. Yet, I deprived myself of so much joy in personal relationships.

    When I got into college, I began to get into a relationship with somebody. When I got close, though, something clicked and I just lost it. I remembered everything from my childhood, and I cried a lot. But it felt good to let it out, and I kept pushing at it. I've come to the point, now, where things have begun to make sense. It's always been about vulnerability and my obsession with hiding my vulnerability through perfectionistic behaviors--just long enough so that I could get into diapers again.

    During those years, basically, I wore diapers to get in touch with my vulnerabilities. Pretending to be a baby also allowed me to glaze over those pains anesthetically.

    I don't think infantilism is wrong, but since I've began to work through this I've definitely noticed a greater improvement my quality of life. My desire to wear diapers has progressively decreased over the years, as well. I don't think my desire to wear diapers will go away entirely, and I don't expect it to--but at least I feel reassured, now, that it's not wrong. And in the process, I'm beginning to discover who I really am outside of diapers.

    You all might find "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown to be a very interesting read. I've learned a lot through this book, combined with therapy.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Webmonkey View Post
    ShippoFox,
    Your reply resonates deeply with me. I too feel the mask I wear for others is more what they want to see (or I want them to see, or believe they wish to see) than the real person I am. And, I've been doing it for so long that I wonder sometimes who the real *me* is. I also struggle with trans-gender as well as AB/DL and ADHD. How do I make my way through the world, keeping up appearances, yet being somewhat true to myself at'tha same time? I don't have a good answer. Sometimes I let myself get waaay too far out on'na limb- like wearing a too bulky diaper for my fitted jeans at work, or my fave pair of too cute pink'n white Skecher tennies, or..., or...
    I think that, sometimes, I just haf'ta rebel a bit (or lot) against what everyone says I am/should be. I revel in'tha *me* I am...however appropriate that may be.
    I hope that makes sense.

    WM
    Transgender-ism aside, we all of us struggle with identity and present different facets at different times.

    With your mates, you may use words like "blowjob." With your boss ... probably not.

    I think this--wearing our stone masks out in public, and being who we really are on our own time--gets easier with age and experience, though I don't always think this is a helpful or healthy approach. : /

  10. #10

    Default

    Transgender-ism aside, we all of us struggle with identity and present different facets at different times.

    With your mates, you may use words like "blowjob." With your boss ... probably not.



    Quote Originally Posted by h3g3l View Post
    I think this--wearing our stone masks out in public, and being who we really are on our own time--gets easier with age and experience, though I don't always think this is a helpful or healthy approach. : /
    I'm finding the older I get the less I'm willing'ta hide myself. I *think* I've become better at being subtle (no more tight, low rise jeans- 'specially with diapers), and'a bit more circumspect 'bout how I share myself, but I'm also more comfy with who I am. Two and'a half years of therapy has helped me understand and accept certain things about myself. I'm never gonna be'tha "man" my father wants me'ta be. I'mma sissy who-most times- loves and embraces'tha naive, creative, emotional, unique person I am...baby diapers & waay cute clothes included. My fantasy of livin in'na world that accepts me has become temped by'tha knowledge I don't. My challenge is'ta find'tha balance' tween them where I can exist.
    I hope that makes sense...
    BTW- 7 more posts and I'll be able'ta say "Hello" to everyone who's written me in private - Yeaaa!

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