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Thread: Funny Stuff

  1. #1

    Default Funny Stuff

    This is a list of things that was emailed to me, some of them are pretty hilarious. Its basically showing how stupid people are.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    > 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
    > faster than an ambulance.
    >
    >
    > 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking
    > places in front of a skating rink.
    >
    >
    > 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick
    > walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
    > prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
    > at the front.
    >
    >
    > 4. Only in America......do people order double
    > cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
    >
    >
    > 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open
    > and then chain the pens to the counters.
    >
    >
    > 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
    > thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
    > useless junk in the garage.
    >
    >
    > 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines
    > t o screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
    > miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
    > the first place.
    >
    >
    > 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
    > of ten and buns in packages of eight.
    >
    >
    > 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'
    > to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
    > meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
    > creatures'
    >
    > .
    > 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's
    > with Braille lettering.
    >
    >
    > EVER WONDER
    > Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
    >
    >
    > Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
    > closed?
    >
    >
    > Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
    > Lottery"?
    >
    >
    > Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    >
    >
    > Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    >
    >
    > Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click start?
    >
    >
    > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
    > dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
    >
    >
    > Why is the man who invests all your money called a
    > broker?
    >
    >
    > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
    > rush hour?
    >
    >
    > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    >
    >
    > When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
    > it?
    >
    >
    > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    >
    >
    > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
    > injections?
    >
    >
    > You know that indestructible black box that is used on
    > airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
    > that stuff??
    >
    >
    > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    >
    >
    > Why are they called apart ments when they are all stuck
    > together?
    >
    >
    > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
    > opposite of progress?
    >
    >
    > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
    > terminal?
    >
    >
    > ------------------
    > In case you needed further proof that the human race
    > is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
    > label instructions on consumer goods:
    >
    >
    > On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (
    > that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
    >
    >
    > On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No
    > purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter
    > special)?
    >
    >
    > On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular
    > soap." (and that would be how???....)
    >
    >
    > On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
    > Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
    >
    >
    > On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do
    > not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
    >
    >
    > On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot
    > after heating." (...and you thought????...)
    >
    >
    > On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
    > on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
    >
    >
    > On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car
    > or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    > (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
    > accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
    > head-colds off those forklifts.)
    >
    >
    > On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    > (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)
    >
    >
    > On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
    > outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
    >
    >
    > On a Japane se food processor: "Not to be used for the
    > other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
    > I'm a bit curious.)
    >
    >
    > On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk
    > about a news flash)
    >
    >
    > On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
    > Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
    > Delta?)
    >
    >
    > On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
    > garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame
    > the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
    >
    >
    > On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain
    > with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of
    > this happening somewhere?)

    --
    A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Peachy

    Default

    I love those funny emails that go around the internet for years. The "Only in America"-one I have seen over 10 years ago.

    Here's another one:

    THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH:
    ==================================

    "We need" = I want

    "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

    "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later

    "We need to talk" = I need to complain

    "Sure... go ahead" = Do it and die, pal

    "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! and you better notice

    "You're ... so manly" = You need a shave and you smell funky

    "You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

    "I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!" = I'm on my period

    "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have too much cellulite

    "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

    "I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

    "I need new shoes" = the other 40 pairs don't match this new outfit

    "Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it over there! no wait...

    "I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

    "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

    "How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not
    going to like

    "I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
    on T.V.

    "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful (this is NOT the moment for
    truth)

    "You need to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

    "Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

    "Yes" = No

    "No" = No

    "Maybe" = No

    "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

    "Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
    to it

    "Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
    he goes to sleep

    "I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

    "All we're going to buy is a soap dish" = It goes without saying that
    we're stopping
    at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a
    few new purses,
    and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring
    your checkbook?


    THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH:
    ==================================

    "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

    "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

    "I'm tired" = I'm tired

    "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
    you

    "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
    you

    "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

    "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

    "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

    "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

    "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
    this

    "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
    are you going through now?

    "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

    "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

    "I love you" = Let's have sex now

    "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

    "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

    "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that
    much different!

    "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
    person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

    "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
    with other guys

    "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
    let's go home!

  4. #4

    Default

    And they ask, B.... why are you gay, peachy has some good reasons WHY!

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