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Thread: Serious Topic, help kinda needed? I guess?

  1. #1

    Exclamation Serious Topic, help kinda needed? I guess?

    (I'm posting this from my blog, with minor edits for the purpose of now posting it as a thread)

    Damn... reading stuff hurts me, sometimes. Not just reading crappy stuff, but reading good stuff. When I read something really fucking amazing, if it has meaning I can feel it. Just now, I've finished re-reading and typing out to review to Jake's own "The Story of David Mayter." It's a good read, good enough to warrant me feeling like I am now... Now, here's the big thing here.

    When I was ten years old, and I told my parents about me being a TB. They didn't like it very much. I've dubbed the years of my life from January of '05 to March of '10 as the worst years of my life. During this time, because I was hated so much by people at school, by my parents... and because I hated myself, I was very suicidal. More and more recently I keep thinking about it. I don't want to tell my mom because I don't want to concern her with it, and other certain people I don't want to tell either, though, they might just come on ADISC and see this anyway (The other people, that is, not my parents). I guess, as usual, this is more venting kind of stuff. I do a lot of that, really. I vent through writing reviews, and I get my rage out by critiquing. I act social in IRC, but in real life I get to have all the alone time I want. I guess that sounds really good to everyone, but it just doesn't seem to help me much anymore... I mean, my mom still, even though she is accepting, doesn't really like the fact that I'm a TB. My dad doesn't fucking care, but my mom does a bit. After reading The Story of David Mayter, a lot of memories and emotions just came pouring back into me... I dunno.

    It's really hard to say this shit, honestly. Not many people know, if any at all, that I've been suicidal since age 10. My mom and dad know, but... I try not to talk about it anymore. I've just kinda fucked myself over. For five years straight I cried at least once a week, and there has been at least one attempt that I'd rather not talk about that not even my parents are aware of. I just get worked up in my school stuff, and here, and other places and such... and then I just wanna go home and cry. So I talk to my boyfriend, but... I can't cry. I just cried to much before, I guess.

    Bottom line is, any tips here? Advice?

  2. #2


    Honestly, I don't know. I have dealt with something similar for most of my life as well, and still don't have answers. All I can say is that having friends(online or face) that aren't judgmental really helps. For me, sometimes I write my feelings and thoughts, then just save it in a locked file, others I write it where people can read it. Talking helps, sometimes. I personally have no love or trust of therapists and such, but that is from my own family history. If you can and want to speak with one, your school should have one either on staff or on call. If you're not comfortable with that, and you're religious, speak with a religious leader. Other than that, just find some people, or some place real-time or online, where you feel comfortable. It's not a solution, but it helps.
    *shrug* best I can offer, sorry.

  3. #3


    While it might sound a bit loony, you may just be finally getting over the whole event and feeling towards it.

    First off, I wanna say holy sheep man. I feel extremely sorry for you. I mean, suicidal at ten... damn. That and being hated on by your parents... thats just effed up.
    Now, why I say you just might be getting over it some is coming from personal experience. To make a long story short, when I was about 6 or so my brother tried to kill me. Whats worse is that my folks really never did any thing about it. For my entire life until recently, whenever I thought about it I couldn't help bawling my eyes out. Recently though, thinking back at it and living with that memory for so long made it seem... Idunno. Just not as major I guess. The same might be said for what happened to you. Granted, I still haven't gotten over it and get suicidal sometimes. Life just piles on and ya cant handle it fully. I literally just got off an 'episode' of cryin' like hell and eying my shotty. Helps to take a day off every now and then.

    Main point, just 'cause you stopped crying over it all the time doesn't mean much. Hopefully you'll just accept to live with all of it one day.

  4. #4


    I've dealt with my family by telling myself over and over that once I go to college, I'll only ever see them again on holidays and birthdays. I spend a lot of time in my room, and with friends.
    In school, just ignore people from your past whom you dislike, and hang out with people that make you feel good about who you are. They are always out there.
    I've been depressed, but never suicidal. I don't have much to say about it.

  5. #5


    I spoke to this on your blog last night, but I thought of you today while I was at work, and about suicide in general. When I was in college I saw a psychiatrist and I had a suicide card which had his phone number. I was to use it any time, day or night should I want to kill myself. I too was living a gay lifestyle, had been discovered by my parents, was deep into alcohol and drugs, so much so, that I would wake up in some guy's room with him on top of me. I was there for the free drinks.

    Sometimes life comes crashing down on us, often caused by our own poor judgment. That particular year was very bad for me. My boy friend had left me, and I really had no one in my life whom I wanted to be with. So I was with those who wanted me sexually. Since I was self destructive, I didn't really care what happened, or if I lived or died. I got through the tunnel and emerged a much better person.

    I don't know what your relationship is with your parents, I knew I couldn't speak to mine and get the answers I wanted, or needed. Sometimes we need the answer we seek, even if it isn't in our best interest. I mentioned you to my wife, and said, why not let the kid wear diapers if it makes him feel better. I wish my parents had instead of the guilt trip they put me on. If you have a boy friend, you are ahead of the game. Think how destroyed he'd be if you killed yourself! As I said in your blog, it's the ones who love me that keep me alive. I live for them even though there are so many things in my life that make me unhappy.

    But there are the moments of light, the small things that bring happiness and a sense of well being. Live for those. Having to wait for them makes them even better. I only wear diapers three nights a week. Those nights I don't wear make me enjoy the nights I wear, all the more enjoyable. My wife and I go out to dinner on Friday nights. It gets me through the week of miserable work. Look to your good moments. Share your life with your boy friend and enjoy him. Enjoy us on the site. We're here for you. Get outside. Go for a walk in the woods by yourself and with bf. Go to the mall. See a movie. Enjoy life. It's such a gift and from my perspective, it doesn't last long enough. Enjoy every precious moment and have patience. Things will improve for you with time. It almost always does.

  6. #6


    most people will not beable to give you practical supportive repply to this unless they have been through something like this themselfs. I have been through this. I have attempted suicide 18 times, been in psychiatric hospital 4 times, and for all the trouble i caused myself and others around me, its not worth it. The problem you face is the problem you dont want to face, it is psycological, and untill you are able to find the courage to face the problem, you will continue to feel emotional pain. Suicide is not the awnser to the problem, very offten there is no garantee of succsess, you may find that you end up being unable to walk, or with a broken back, or worse, you may find yourself in a situation were there is no one to call for an abulance and you are unable to call for one yourself, and you are in excursiating pain and you die slowly from blood loss in agoney over maybe 2 or 3 hours. Is that what you really want ? I dont think so, is it ? of course not. Worse then that you might not die from blood loss, you might die from infection and that would take days if noone can get an ambulance to you and you cant get one yourself. I am being bluntly honest with you to throw the dose of cold water over you and wake you up as they say. Suicide is not the awnser to problems, talking your problems through with someone is the awnser. I dont have much faith in psycologists, psychiatrists or psycotheripists because most of them havent been through this like we have, but if you are willing, i would recomend seeing a psycologist as soon as possible. They are much more quallified to help you, the only psycology experiance i have comes from seeing 86 shrinks for my varius problems, and out of those only 3 helped me. I wish you good luck and all the best with the future.
    Feel free to message me if you need to talk about anything.

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