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Thread: Calling off my Wedding

  1. #1

    Default Calling off my Wedding

    so heres whats up I have een ina relationship for like three years and engaged for one. our wedding is in december 2011 and we havent really spent any money for it.

    she's totally in love with me but i dont think I am in love with her anymore. she has changed. and I mean really changed. she is developing some mental disorders like Bipolar and Scizophrina (I dont think I spelled that right). so I am the person taking care of her 70 - 80% of the time we ae together. I just want out at this point. as an AB I want to know i can come home at the end of the day and my wife will be able to deliver what I need.

    I also think it might be over because when you feel like you only want to be close to someone and nothing else its awesome. we had thet for a while then all this happened. i think about my fiance and i think about how much I want a woman that can take care of herself and a family...

    so...

    im just afraid that if i call it off will she have a total psychotic breakdown.

    arrg

    so the reason ive posted this is to ask. What do I do?
    :/

  2. #2

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    Well do you still love her because if you are not still in love then dont do it. also if your not happy i would say dont do it either, your meant to be her husband not her carer. but looke those two disorders can be over come, my aunt has bipolar and she can manage it. how long has she had both conditions? Maybe postpone the wedding? see how theese disorders develope? or just try make a clean break

  3. #3

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    Sounds cold, but I vote for running away. You're 22, maybe a quarter of the way through life. Imagine coming home for the next 60 years not knowing who or what you'll find when you get there. Do you really think your doubts and problems with this person will improve when you've had to live with them and put up with them for 20, 30, 40 years? What's the upside to staying with her, other than avoiding the short term ugliness of telling her to go away?

  4. #4
    Butterfly Mage

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    There's no use marrying someone you don't love. In Wicca, we don't believe in "till death do you part", but rather we believe two should be joined until the end of love (which could end in this life, or could span across many lives).

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrMcAwesome View Post
    Well do you still love her because if you are not still in love then dont do it. also if your not happy i would say dont do it either, your meant to be her husband not her carer. but looke those two disorders can be over come, my aunt has bipolar and she can manage it. how long has she had both conditions? Maybe postpone the wedding? see how theese disorders develope? or just try make a clean break
    weve already postponed the wedding and i dont know if im in love with her anymore. this has been going on since Febuary of this year. she used to be this cheery personthat brightened the room when she walked in now shes mildly zombie like.

    and for maxx sometimes she feels like making out but mostly she dosent want any phisical contact and that has been kind of hard. sure she'll cuddle me but she wont ever be able to take care of me. what if im sick or our kids our sick and im at work and she's in la la land or whatever. she was like this the other day and it wasnt even funney. she was halloucinating about people coming to take her away and stuff and it was like "i may never get to have a family if she is like this and that is someting I really want.

    and butterfly mage you make a good point.
    (sorry about the titles I couldnt figure out how to do multiple quotes)

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by GundamMeister7 View Post
    she's totally in love with me but i dont think I am in love with her anymore. she has changed. and I mean really changed. she is developing some mental disorders like Bipolar and Scizophrina (I dont think I spelled that right). so I am the person taking care of her 70 - 80% of the time we ae together. I just want out at this point. as an AB I want to know i can come home at the end of the day and my wife will be able to deliver what I need.
    ...
    I also think it might be over because when you feel like you only want to be close to someone and nothing else its awesome. we had thet for a while then all this happened. i think about my fiance and i think about how much I want a woman that can take care of herself and a family...
    I'm going take a different track than the people who've responded in this thread and say that I think, first and foremost, you need a nice dose of self-evaluation before you make any further choices. I don't mean to belittle your feelings, so if I do, I do so inadvertently and I apologize in advance.

    Your job as a future husband is to love unconditionally. I don't know what kind of avenues you or your fiance have pursued when it comes to her conditions, but I think you need to exhaust every possible opportunity to help her prosper. She's got some disorders that are clearly affecting the health of your relationship, but instead of running from those, you need to put one foot forward and tell her that you've found it difficult to interact with her the way you used to because of these conditions, and you want to help her. Love, whether or not you feel you've fallen out of it, requires so much work and effort. You have to constantly strive to fulfill it. Would you run if this condition were greater? If she had a debilitating illness, would you be by her side?

    Your being an "AB" shouldn't really come into play when it comes to making or breaking your relationship. Her needs are great at the moment, and I think she needs for you to recognize that. It's likely very, very hard for her to cope at the moment, as it is for you. But if you're the one who feels as though they're lacking love, the problem doesn't exist with her -- the problem exists more with you, and running from a commitment you've made together won't remedy anything.

    Your job as one half of a loving relationship is to be by the side of the person you adore for any number of cliched sayings -- you know, thick or thin, for better or for worse. If you can't take care of her when she needs it, I think it's selfish to ask for her to take care of you when you want it.

    Look deep inside. This isn't a matter of just breaking it off and running. This is a matter of staying true to her, whether you still love her or not, as a person with whom you've bound yourself. Confront her gently with your fears, discuss with her, and exhaust every possible option other than running.

    As a pair, as a couple, you two exist as one. Your needs are no longer individual; her needs are no longer individual. Stop thinking as you and think as you-plural.

  7. #7
    DominatingMommy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dawes View Post
    Your job as a future husband is to love unconditionally. I don't know what kind of avenues you or your fiance have pursued when it comes to her conditions, but I think you need to exhaust every possible opportunity to help her prosper. She's got some disorders that are clearly affecting the health of your relationship, but instead of running from those, you need to put one foot forward and tell her that you've found it difficult to interact with her the way you used to because of these conditions, and you want to help her. Love, whether or not you feel you've fallen out of it, requires so much work and effort. You have to constantly strive to fulfill it. Would you run if this condition were greater? If she had a debilitating illness, would you be by her side?

    Your being an "AB" shouldn't really come into play when it comes to making or breaking your relationship. Her needs are great at the moment, and I think she needs for you to recognize that. It's likely very, very hard for her to cope at the moment, as it is for you. But if you're the one who feels as though they're lacking love, the problem doesn't exist with her -- the problem exists more with you, and running from a commitment you've made together won't remedy anything.

    Your job as one half of a loving relationship is to be by the side of the person you adore for any number of cliched sayings -- you know, thick or thin, for better or for worse. If you can't take care of her when she needs it, I think it's selfish to ask for her to take care of you when you want it.

    Look deep inside. This isn't a matter of just breaking it off and running. This is a matter of staying true to her, whether you still love her or not, as a person with whom you've bound yourself. Confront her gently with your fears, discuss with her, and exhaust every possible option other than running.

    As a pair, as a couple, you two exist as one. Your needs are no longer individual; her needs are no longer individual. Stop thinking as you and think as you-plural.
    ^ All that. And I just fell in love with Dawes a little.

    I'm going to throw this out there. As someone with a physical disability, my husband knew what he was getting into when he asked me to marry him. I can't take care of him or our children, should we had any. I can't take care of myself. And yet, his love for me outweighed the thoughts of being burdened by me.

    If you are truly not in love with her anymore, then yes, you need to move on. If you're not sure because "she can't take care of your needs", I don't see that as a valid reason. I think if you continue to think of it that way, then you will find yourself resenting her and will indeed not be in love with her anymore.

    Good luck in whatever you decide.

  8. #8
    LilLillyKitten

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Sounds cold, but I vote for running away. You're 22, maybe a quarter of the way through life. Imagine coming home for the next 60 years not knowing who or what you'll find when you get there. Do you really think your doubts and problems with this person will improve when you've had to live with them and put up with them for 20, 30, 40 years? What's the upside to staying with her, other than avoiding the short term ugliness of telling her to go away?
    TBH, I think this is horrible advice for the most part...

    GundamMeister7: have you shared ANY of these feelings with your fiance?

  9. #9

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    If you love her don't run from her just because she can't fulfill your needs that's selfish. This may sound mean but from the way you put it, it seems that you never truly loved her and only wanted to be with her for your needs, in witch case even without her disorders you shouldn't marry her. From what I can tell you jumped the gun on marrying her in the first place. I don't know how you feel but if you feel like you never truly loved her in the first place call it off.

  10. #10

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    It sounds like she has changed greatly. Is she on medicines for her issues? Sometimes medicines can cause low libido and other problems, including the "zombie-like" nature. If she is, you might want to discuss it with her and her doctor. I'm not saying "oh, get her off her meds carelessly", but to carefully review that with a medical professional.

    If you truly don't love her, then don't get married. I don't see what's good about pretending to love someone. Not good for you, not good for her.

    However, do keep in mind, that like beauty, health never lasts.

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