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Thread: Need advise about my girlfriend

  1. #1

    Default Need advise about my girlfriend

    I was hoping to get everyone's advise about this...

    My girlfriend and I are pretty serious. There is a very good chance we will get married. If all goes well, I am going to propose in August.

    Which leads to the obvious question. Should I tell her about me being an AB? If not, when should I? If so, how?

    I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

  2. #2

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    My personal thought is to share it right after the proposal (after things have calmed down obviously, but preferably [for me] in the next 24 hours). Basically I plan on saying something like "All cards on the table. Now we're moving towards marriage for sure I'm going to be completely honest with you, and hope you do the same." and just come out with it. If she is really "the one" (lol, Matrix) then she will understand.

  3. #3

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    Seems to make sense...but im very concerned because, frankly, I dont think she will be very open to it.

    Which opens another question for everyone...Is there an easy way to "break the news", or some sort of way to...I dont know..."soften the blow" so to say?

    Im not ashamed of what I am, but I want to make my chances the best they can be.

  4. #4

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    I would tell her now, unless you want to push your proposal date back further. If you are serious enough to propose to her, you ought to tell her first. Otherwise, you run the risk of having her accept your proposal right before you give her significant, potentially off-putting information. You don't give her any time to think about your status as an AB before deciding to devote her life to you, and that is an unfair position to put her in. She might be ok with it initially, but grow uncomfortable. You need to live with her and spend as much time as an AB as you typically want to. If she is ok with that over a period of months, then you are golden. If not, you will have to break off the engagement, get a divorce, or turn your back on being an AB. These are all bad options. Tell her now, see how she takes it over a period of months. Do not push the matter, but do not pretend you are less interested in this than you are. That way lies heartbreak. Consider the engagement when you see how the two of you handle this. I would say, "now that we're getting serious, I want to tell you about an important part of my identity." It seems to me that right after a proposal is a terrible time to tell someone that you are an AB, or to disclose any other information. Full disclosure ought to be a precondition for engagement, not something subsequent to it (even if prior to marriage proper).

    I don't think there is a way to soften the blow; if she is ok with it, that's terrific. If not, there's really nothing you can do. Any attempt you made might just gall more, or wind up presenting your interest as less significant or intense than it is. Neither of these is desirable.

    Finally, I will ask a few questions, and offer some unsolicited advice. If you resent this, my apologies, but I could not in conscience post without saying this. How long have you been going out? How many serious partners have you had? How many has she had? How old is she?

    I think you are too young to get married. As people get older, the minimum reasonable time spent in a relationship before marriage gets shorter. I spent two years in a serious relationship between 16 and 18, and we thought we might get engaged or married. We did not. If we had, our lives would be very difficult. I am now in a committed, serious relationship of over three years, but we are having problems. I do not know whether our relationship will survive; neither of us do. We have lived together for two years. We, too, had talked about marriage. I know, however, that I am too young to get married. Perhaps you are old enough, but I would be treat with scepticism the claim that being "pretty serious" at 20 is a good reason to get married. My parents divorced after being married for more than ten years, in part because my father was too young to marry (and he was over 25). My mother's first marriage, when she was your age, collapsed within four years. Being serious, sans adjective, is a necessary but not sufficient condition for a successful marriage. Since you have not told her about being an AB yet, I think you probably haven't given enough consideration to all the questions that go into determining whether you should get married. "Pretty serious" is simply not enough.

    I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I would rather be harsh than have you make a mistake whose consequences could last a long time.


    Dogboy or other people here who are married might have different opinions, and their perspectives would be well worth listening to.

  5. #5

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    No, not harsh at all. Very valid points, in fact. I welcome everyone's input, no matter what it is.

    To answer your questions...

    How long have we been going out? Thats a complicated answer. "Technically" (for whatever that is worth), a year. But, we have been best friends since we were 13. We have liked or loved eachother (depending on how old we were) for most of that time.

    How old is she? 21

    She has had 1 serious partner, I have had 2.

    To address the age issue: Again you have some very valid points, with stories to back them up. It is possible that I (we) are jumping the gun. But regardless of if we get married next year, or 5 years from now, the question still remains...will she accept me for what I am?

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by pullupsboy89 View Post
    No, not harsh at all. Very valid points, in fact. I welcome everyone's input, no matter what it is.

    To answer your questions...

    How long have we been going out? Thats a complicated answer. "Technically" (for whatever that is worth), a year. But, we have been best friends since we were 13. We have liked or loved eachother (depending on how old we were) for most of that time.

    How old is she? 21

    She has had 1 serious partner, I have had 2.

    To address the age issue: Again you have some very valid points, with stories to back them up. It is possible that I (we) are jumping the gun. But regardless of if we get married next year, or 5 years from now, the question still remains...will she accept me for what I am?
    Well, eight years is a long time, but only one year in a relationship seems very short. I would come out to her about liking nappies sooner, rather than later. If you've known each other for that long and love each other, it probably won't be a problem. That is the first thing to do.

    It's encouraging that you're so upfront about recognising that you could be jumping the gun. You sound like you have a level head. Best of luck!

  7. #7

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    If you feel okay with having to hide who u truly r from your soon to be wife for who knows your whole lives toghether then maybe don't tell her.....I personally would never marry or even date a guy or woman who didn't know I was ab... That being said hiding a fundemental part of who u are is not only counterproductive to a healthy relationship its not fair to you or her... In my opinion tell her now over a casual dinner... You love her know and she loves u know... But what happens if she doesn't accept you and is as close minded about wierd stuff as you say she is....is the fear of her deciding not to go on with the relationship worth or any better than ultimately being unhappy???you can pretend right now that well its all for love so either ill stop being ab/dl or ill hide it good....ask your self what do u need to be happy...and what would she want you to do...maybe she doesn't want to be with some one like us but she should have that choice going in before things get decided for each of yours futures...again you owe it to you and her to bring it up to her either before the proposal(my advice) or at the least right after...I think she still might feel her emotions cheated if you wait till the high of the proposal wears off to drop this on her and at the same time it might do you both good for her to see your comittment level(I.e proposal first) but as far as how to tell her...tell her the whole thing but do it slowly think about your words as you say them...be honest tell her what ab means to you and what it can mean for the relationship...also tell her its not a phase so she isn't expecting you to one day just give it all up...let her know that you being ab has nothing to do with her and what she brings to the table...(A lot of woman make assumptions like its all sexual or in some way you only do it because so far woman haven't met your needs as a guy...that makes them try to hard to make up for something that isn't controlled by any of your desires for each other....as far as brining it up slowly what I mean by that is build up to it like you would tell a story with plot and character development...give her some back ground before you even mention the words adult baby or diaper lover....oh an initials don't cut it you will have to say it...and don't let her research on the internet other wise one day over dinner you will get asked an awkward question like do all ab's stuff marshmallows up their anal hole...yes I had this happen!!!go on the internet toghether!!!!

    Good luck

  8. #8

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    quick advice.....

    if you don't tell her before you get married......

    you will be keeping it a secret for the rest of your days if you don't say something

    are you really prepared to do that...... forever is a bit of a long time to be doing something

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by pullupsboy89 View Post
    I was hoping to get everyone's advise about this...

    My girlfriend and I are pretty serious.

    Random unimportant things here...
    Yes. Tell her. If the relationship is pretty serious, she deserves to know.

  10. #10

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    If you love her and she loves you enough such that this is a serious relationship, she probably deserves to know. If you intend to ask the ultimate commitment of her, then she absolutely deserves to know; she has a right to know whole person to which she is committing.

    Most likely, she'll be understanding and you'll post a happy thread on ADISC about how well telling her went, but if she isn't, that is something you deserve to know before you make such a commitment.

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