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Thread: So what do I do? Relationship conundrum

  1. #1

    Unhappy So what do I do? Relationship conundrum

    So, I recently got engaged to the girl I'd been dating for a few years now. All was pretty well, except for me and my diapers. I knew she didn't like them before, but it was always like a little spat and we'd move on. At that time, we were long distance still.

    After we got engaged, she moved down with me and we now live together She apparently really really hates my diapers. I never wear them around her, and only do it (and not even that often now) when I'm alone, or she's not around (like at work). This is a pretty big change for me considering that I was 24/7 for a few months last fall.

    Anyway, I was content enough that she didn't want to participate, that she didn't want me to do it around her, etc etc. Granted, like very other AB or DL, I always dreamed of finding a girl who was into diapers. Although I figured that wouldn't really happen (why is the male/female ratio in this fetish scene so depressing?), I always thought that I'd find someone who could at least tolerate them at some capacity.

    But lately, she's started this whole ultimatum with me. She's pitted herself against them, and insists that it's either her or them. Now, I love her tons, but I'm just trying to be honest. I told her that I didn't think that I could give them up for the rest of my life. And I told her that I could try to stop wearing them, but that I would never stop liking them. She refuses to budge or compromise in any way. In fact, she's all angry with me that I have them in our apartment at all.

    So, I figure others here have faced something similar before. What did you do? I don't want to lose her, but it bothers me that she's asking me to change something so big about my life and that if I don't she'll leave me.

    The truth is, I really don't want to stop wearing diapers. It took me a long time to accept myself for who I am, and I really do not want to return to the days of fighting my diaper desires. When I wore them all the time, diapers became nothing special to me. And that's how I liked it - they were just like underwear. I didn't really think about them lots. Now, I could be plenty happy with wearing them just every once in a while, as long as I could wear them when I wanted to.

    But, if I stick to my guns and lose her, I'm not sure other women are more accepting of it ... that was one of my biggest fears as a teen diaper lover, that I'd be alone forever. I've noticed that a lot of people in the community are either young and single, or a little older (40-50+). Many of those who are around my age and married seem to only be a part of the community without their SO's knowledge (e.g. someone who only wears like if their partner is out of town for the weeknd, or something). I'm not going to judge anyone, but I personally don't want it to be like that. Does that observation seem correct? Where do the other DLs go? Do they just kind of grow out of their urges? Or do they shove them deep down inside of them, try to move on, and get marred?

    I feel like I'm kind of at a big fork in the road. I never wanted to have to choose between diapers and a woman, but here I am. She just can't see it from my point of view, and refuses to try. Like I said in some threads in the past, she has compared them to doing drugs, and other things that she finds undesirable. She thinks if I stop wearing them for a while that my urges will go away. I told her that I didn't think so, but that I'd try it. So, I didn't wear a diaper for a month. This was on of the hardest things I've done in a long time -- to put off all my urges, even though I had diapers sitting in my closet a few feet away. Through the month there were times I was angry, depressed, anxious, and just generally unhappy. And, I couldn't talk to her about it because she always either gets mad or distant when I talk about diapers.

    She floated the idea of us seeing a "fetish therapist", but she says that nobody is going to change her mind about it. So, really she just wants it for me, and I honestly don't see myself just giving up diapers entirely.

    Am I screwed? Have you guys ever lost a long standing relationship over this stuff? She's way more important to me than some diapers, but psychologically I just don't think I can do it. And, I don't feel like she should be trying to force me to change something like that about myself. So, I'm a bit conflicted.

    Anyway, if you're still reading this, thanks . I know this post is probably a bit ramble-y and long, but I just needed to get it out there. Phew.

  2. #2

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    i feel for you man i really do. look she shouldnt be giving you and ultimatum on something as trivial as diapers. If she is really looking to settle down with you for the long haul then this is a really bad sign. Think what she will be like when something serious arises. Marriage is a commitment of love and i dont think she truly loves you if she cant accept you for who you are. sorry if im a bit harsh but i believe that if you are going to marry someone then they have to accept and love everything about you.

    now have you told her exactly how you feel about diapers, like how they make you feel, the difficulties you had accepting yourself because of them and the like. and also what is her problem with you wearing diapers, as you say they are just a different type of underwear. I think you should try and get her to go to a sex therapist because speaking from experience here they wont make you out to be a weirdo or freak or what ever and i think they would point out that you dont choose what turns you on.

    I really think that you need to talk things out as much as you can, and if she gets mad, angry or distant, just take a firm aproach and make her listen to you, because i think she needs to accept this part of you or else it could brew resentment down the line. Talking is really the only thing i can suggest.

    and as far as my experience with telling my gfs about diapers, ive been honest with all of them and told them before we even got to the bedroom stuff. alot of them were like eww so i was like yeah see ya later, but alot of them were understanding about it. now that doesnt mean they participated but they were still cool about it. so i wouldnt worry about ending up alone if you want to wear diapers, plenty of the lady folk are open minded.

    Anyway lets us know how things go with you and your future mrs and i hope i was helpfull to you and coherant. i tend to lack the coherancy (and spelling) ability

  3. #3

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    I hate to say this but you might have to lose the woman. She can't accept you so you're going to have to leave her. I wanted to find a guy who will accept my fetish so I was meeting men online who also shared the same fetish and I did. I also thought about joining normal dating sites and tell the guy I meet about my fetish after he has known me for several weeks. But I didn't have to go there.

  4. #4

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    chevre, you are around the age of my sons and hopefully my advice will help you take a look at the big picture. Like you, I agree with the statement from the start of this thread where you stated "Many of those who are around my age and married seem to only be a part of the community without their SO's knowledge (e.g. someone who only wears like if their partner is out of town for the weekend, or something). I'm not going to judge anyone, but I personally don't want it to be like that. Does that observation seem correct? Where do the other DLs go? Do they just kind of grow out of their urges? Or do they shove them deep down inside of them, try to move on, and get marr(i)ed " (chevre, that typo may have been a huge Freudian slip - marred instead of married? - think on these things grasshopper.)

    Negotiating through relationships as a person that holds ab/dl is a tricky matter. You are old enough and have come to grips with what makes you YOU! The quandary or dilemma that you are experiencing in is this is: How do you marry (become one with a partner) someone who has rejected a significant aspect of your being. I do not believe there will ever be a satisfactory solution/resolution to this issue for you in this current relationship. SHE HAS ALREADY DRAWN THE LINE (which is total and unequivocal) regarding all things related to this aspect of your character/being. At this point, chevre, you will move forward in the engagement and marriage and either 1: completely drop all external manifestations of your AB/DL side or 2: retreat or resort to secrecy to satisfy your needs and do the very the thing you stated that you were ethically opposed to " to only be a part of the community without their SO's knowledge (e.g. someone who only wears like if their partner is out of town for the weekend, or something)."

    With her demonstrating level of vehemence in her absolute rejection (sic) of these ab/dl behaviors/lifestyle that you embrace, I can see only more conflict in the future. Try as you might, diapers or other paraphernalia will be found in your "stash", Internet/computer info will be found, and I can only imagine what kind of reaction and confrontation your (then) wife will have with you at that point. Even if you are successful in maintaining clandestine, secretive, discrete ab/dl opportunities - you will be miserable having to live some kind of double life.

    I've gone my entire life with these desires (No, they haven't gone away) When I finally decided to disclose this side of my being with my first wife after 10 years of marriage the results were disastrous. The following was my extremely candid post/response to a thread question "Have you told anyone?":


    It took ME 50 years, but I am extremely satisfied in my marriage and in my life. I would be miserable any other way.

    I am not an advocate of teens sharing such intimate details of their being with their friends/girlfriends due to the profound social repercussions that disclosures of this nature have. But at the point that you are seeking a potential life partner, finding someone that is accepting and tolerant of your ab/dl side must a minimum criteria/expectation. This may and will significantly limit your options (I know - this is the understatement of the century). Sometimes this means being in a relationship long enough to know whether or not you will even broach the subject with the current boyfriend or girlfriend before moving on to another relationship.

    chevre, I feel for you! At this point, whatever choice you ultimately make will be an agonizing and excruciating one.
    Last edited by Diapered Rabbit; 28-Feb-2010 at 15:14. Reason: MORE EMPATHY

  5. #5

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    Ultimatums are just unfair. I always think that if I was given an ultimatum, I'd take the choice least favourable to the person imposing it, and use that as the ultimatum rule of thumb.

    I'd see the "fetish therapist", having a professional tell her she's being unfair can only be a good thing really.
    Whatever happens though, I wouldn't let fear of being alone make you settle for less. If you give up diapers, the chances are you'll be unhappy for a time and then you'll start wearing them without her knowledge. Obviously starting off your marriage with a lie is a really bad idea.

  6. #6

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    I would drop her like a bad habit. It sounds like she is in love with what she wants you to be instead of who you are.

    Should you wish to work on your relationship, I don't think you need to look for a fetish therapist, any credible therapist should be a voice of reason. I would just suggest that you go alone first to make sure you have someone that is going to help.

  7. #7

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    I'm pretty sure most SO's don't realize that these desires are hardwired into us. Giving up something you have a fetish for is like lopping off your left nut.

    I'm really sorry she's being a stone wall about this, instead of being open minded

    And fetish therapists won't help, her only motive in seeing one would be some way to get you off of them, when really, the therapist is going to tell her what she doesn't want to hear anyways.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrMcAwesome View Post
    now have you told her exactly how you feel about diapers, like how they make you feel, the difficulties you had accepting yourself because of them and the like. and also what is her problem with you wearing diapers, as you say they are just a different type of underwear. I think you should try and get her to go to a sex therapist because speaking from experience here they wont make you out to be a weirdo or freak or what ever and i think they would point out that you dont choose what turns you on.
    Yeah, actually. I've tried explaining to her that I like the way they feel, and that I enjoy them in a sensory way, and that I get some sexual excitement out of it as well. Which, she basically sums up as "it makes you feel good." And, with that I can't argue. However, she always goes on to compare it to drugs (perhaps because there was a time in her past where she actually did do drugs). She says that drug users do it because it feels good too. Now, this logic just seems insane to me - I usually come back and ask her if she could start wearing diapers. And that if she started, if she'd want to do it more. And, she looks at me like I'm crazy and asks what that has to do with anything .

    I also tried explaining to her that drugs can be a much more serious problem, and that people can be consumed to the point of indolence where they lose their job, all social ties, and may even ultimately end up committing crimes to support their habits. I told her I never heard of a case where someone got like that with diapers. (As an aside, I don't really have a problem with people who use drugs casually/responsibly, so don't think I'm just spewing hate).

    But, I guess it comes down to I can't give her a better reason for liking to wear them than that it makes me feel good. And she can only relate it to drugs. It's a dead end discussion every time. And of course, if I try to pass them off as just my underwear preference (how I genuinely see it) she acts like I'm from another planet, haha.



    Quote Originally Posted by Calico View Post
    I hate to say this but you might have to lose the woman. She can't accept you so you're going to have to leave her. I wanted to find a guy who will accept my fetish so I was meeting men online who also shared the same fetish and I did. I also thought about joining normal dating sites and tell the guy I meet about my fetish after he has known me for several weeks. But I didn't have to go there.
    I appreciate what you're saying, but I can't help but feel you have an advantage in this respect, being a female seeking a male. I've been to some of these sites, and probably 98% of the profiles are male. The ones of females tend to either be fakes, or have little information/are inactive. I'm sure there are more lovely ladies like yourself out there who enjoy this side of life, but I wonder if they're chased off by the hoards of horny dunderheads who come after them like bounty hunters? I sometimes question whether it's more depressing that there are so few females on these sites, or that the few who are there get pelted with posts like "hey u, will us diper me? Msg meeee". Oh, how I resent willfully stupid people .



    Quote Originally Posted by Diapered Rabbit View Post
    chevre, you are around the age of my sons and hopefully my advice will help you take a look at the big picture. Like you, I agree with the statement from the start of this thread where you stated "Many of those who are around my age and married seem to only be a part of the community without their SO's knowledge (e.g. someone who only wears like if their partner is out of town for the weekend, or something). I'm not going to judge anyone, but I personally don't want it to be like that. Does that observation seem correct? Where do the other DLs go? Do they just kind of grow out of their urges? Or do they shove them deep down inside of them, try to move on, and get marr(i)ed " (chevre, that typo may have been a huge Freudian slip - marred instead of married? - think on these things grasshopper.)
    Haha, yeah - a curious typo indeed! And, it's good to know that I'm not crazy in that observation.



    Negotiating through relationships as a person that holds ab/dl is a tricky matter. You are old enough and have come to grips with what makes y/ou YOU! The quandary or dilemma that you are experiencing in is this is: How do you marry (become one with a partner) someone who has rejected a significant aspect of your being. I do not believe there will ever be a satisfactory solution/resolution to this issue for you in this current relationship. SHE HAS ALREADY DRAWN THE LINE (which is total and unequivocal) regarding all things related to this aspect of your character/being. At this point, chevre, you will move forward in the engagement and marriage and either 1: completely drop all external manifestations of your AB/DL side or 2: retreat or resort to secrecy to satisfy your needs and do the very the thing you stated that you were ethically opposed to " to only be a part of the community without their SO's knowledge (e.g. someone who only wears like if their partner is out of town for the weekend, or something)."
    Yeah - I completely agree. One additional problem is that she doesn't consider this a part of me. She always says, "It's not a part of you, it's just a behavior you do. Behaviors can be changed." Now, I guess that's a somewhat expected response from her background in psychology, but it irks me that she sees it that way. And what you said is one of my biggest fears right now - that, I'll quit for her, and then regret it later. And, I'll end up doing it secretly. Like many others, I tried to quit when I was a teen, quite unsuccessfully.



    I've gone my entire life with these desires (No, they haven't gone away) When I finally decided to disclose this side of my being with my first wife after 10 years of marriage the results were disastrous. The following was my extremely candid post/response to a thread question "Have you told anyone?":
    Wow, that's just so terrible that she would d something like that. Like, I'm not even sure what to say, except sorry man. At least it's reqsurring that the people close to you were mature and respectful enough about it, and that you were able to recover from that.



    When I met my current wife and life partner (whom I fell in love with the minute I saw her), I shared all of it with her early on. She was not really interested in playing mommy (especially anything to do with changing diapers). But she was very accepting about my AB/DL side and would let me wear diapers and plastic pants, use my binkie, have teddy bears and baby blankets. We both have our very playful and child-like sides and both nurture that in each other.

    I can't see having a life partner that did not know these intimate and important aspects of my sexuality or personality. I do realize (probably better than most due to the horrendous reaction and hateful attacks toward me by my ex-wife) the risks involved in telling a spouse, but I do feel that I could not live in secrecy in my most intimate relationship. I would never personally share this with any one other than my wife.[/spoiler]
    It took ME 50 years, but I am extremely satisfied in my marriage and in my life. I would be miserable any other way.
    Aw, yeah. That's exactly how I'd like it to be - I don't need her to be into it, just to tolerate it. Letting me wear them to bed would be awesome. It's good to hear that there are people out there like that - this currently is actually the first girl I ever told about my diapers (like you say in your post, as a teen it's probably not good to go around advertising that.)



    chevre, I feel for you! At this point, whatever choice you ultimately make will be an agonizing and excruciating one.
    Thanks - yeah, I hate the fact that I'm in this situation, and making a choice surely won't be easy.



    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie F View Post
    Ultimatums are just unfair. I always think that if I was given an ultimatum, I'd take the choice least favourable to the person imposing it, and use that as the ultimatum rule of thumb.

    I'd see the "fetish therapist", having a professional tell her she's being unfair can only be a good thing really.
    Whatever happens though, I wouldn't let fear of being alone make you settle for less. If you give up diapers, the chances are you'll be unhappy for a time and then you'll start wearing them without her knowledge. Obviously starting off your marriage with a lie is a really bad idea.
    Haha, it's funny that you should say that - I feel exactly the same way about ultimatums, and that philosophy really suits my personality well. If it weren't such an emotionally involved decision that's exactly what I'd do!

    Yeah, have people here actually seen therapists about this before? I just have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that if I go to a therapist, that they'll want to "cure" me. But, it sounds like perhaps it's worth a shot.



    Quote Originally Posted by khaymen View Post
    I would drop her like a bad habit. It sounds like she is in love with what she wants you to be instead of who you are.

    Should you wish to work on your relationship, I don't think you need to look for a fetish therapist, any credible therapist should be a voice of reason. I would just suggest that you go alone first to make sure you have someone that is going to help.
    Yeah, if I'd known earlier on in our relationship that that would have been the case, I probably would not have let it get this far. But, the sad fact is that earlier on in our relationship she seemed much more accepting toward it, and she's gradually hardened up about it. She even tried one on for me once, back in the day. Now, she acts as if she could gag at the site of one.

    There is truth in what you say - there are things about her that I don't like, and that bother me as well. Except, I haven't demanded she change them. I talked to her about working on some of them, but in a much less extreme way. I'm totally willing to compromise about my diaper usage, but none is no compromise at all. She needs me to change in order to accept me.

    Maybe I'll give the therapist thing a whirl. I hope it doesn't just end up being a fantastic episode of me piddling away my money, though.



    Quote Originally Posted by Raad View Post
    I'm pretty sure most SO's don't realize that these desires are hardwired into us. Giving up something you have a fetish for is like lopping off your left nut.

    I'm really sorry she's being a stone wall about this, instead of being open minded

    And fetish therapists won't help, her only motive in seeing one would be some way to get you off of them, when really, the therapist is going to tell her what she doesn't want to hear anyways.
    Haha yeah - a little graphic but I do feel that way also. I wish I could explain to her in a way that she could understand how it's not a choice at all.

  9. #9

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    Yea one time I had a girlfriend who wanted me to choose between playing Yugioh or having her, I told her she would lose out if she really wanted to make me choose and we fell apart later cause of her immaturity.

  10. #10

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    this is not about choosing between diapers and your girlfriend. it's about choosing whether to be true to who you are, or to lie to your girlfriend and/or yourself. as someone with a background in psychology, your girlfriend should be the first to understand that sexual preferences aren't a behavior that can be changed -- they're a deeply rooted part of who we are. asking you to deny or repress your DLism would be like asking a gay person to turn straight, or a straight person to turn gay, or like asking someone to just simply not get sexually excited any longer. this isn't just something you do that makes you feel good, and you shouldn't be letting her suggest that it is, or compare it to a drug addiction. it's totally unfair of her to assume that this is something you could just stop.

    based on what you've said i would think that the relationship is going to fail sooner or later, but i assume you want to do whatever you can to make it succeed before you give up on it. a sex therapist or a marriage counselor might be a very good idea -- someone like that would be almost certain to help your girlfriend accept you for who you are, and to introduce fair compromises into your relationship, which it sounds like is your goal already.

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