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Thread: The hell I went through discovering I'm Bipolar

  1. #1

    Default The hell I went through discovering I'm Bipolar

    I'm not sure where else to post this, but I think here is suitable.
    This is going to be long so please bear with me. I know we all go through tough times in our lives. This was mine. I have to tell someone about this because I can't tell everyone in real life, and I think telling people is theuraputic.

    In September I was getting these migraines and I wasn't sure why. I saw a bunch of doctors, even an alternative medicine Chinese doctor who did vietnamese acupressure on my back which left these gnarly bruises, (I caught a glimpse of them coming out of the shower, my jaw dropped to the floor ) My campus doctor said it was because my kneck was sore, he gave me medication which didn't work. Migraine medicine didn't work. It was getting worse, and I started to miss school. I was doing an internship and at work I was writing an article about the tsunami in Somoa, and for some reason I just got really emotional about it and at home I couldn't stop crying.

    My family sugguested I come home for a while (I live away from home while I attend college). From here my condition got worse. I became so manic I was no longer in control. I have always had an interest in writing, but I was going insane and writing on anything I could find. There wasn't enough paper. I typed over 200 pages in microsoft word. I convinced myself that I had to cure Obesity worldwide by making a new diet. I went to a patent website. I almost bought a ticket to Japan. I was making crazy posts on my Facebook even though my parents told me to get off the computer. I collected a bunch of items I thought were cool and put them all over my desk.
    My brother told me how his friend who is in a gang had friends in a gang who were going to commit a drive by. I freaked out and almost called the police, but my mom wouldn't let me each time I tried.

    Eventually, my dad brought me to the hospital. There we went to a room and I refused to take my medicine, convinced i was being tricked. I smashed it definatly. I was then led away from my dad to a seculsion room with a bunch of scary padlocks. They said let's go in here and take your medicine. There was a security guard and I was saying "why is the cop here why is the cop here" and he sensed my aggression. I said NO and walked away, they followed. The security guard threw me to the floor. They then strapped me face down to the floor and injected a shot into my leg and then lifted me onto a stretcher, wheeling me into that scary room. By this point I was screaming nonsene, like "PEOPLE ARE DYING IN IRAQ AND YOU DONT EVEN CARE!!!".

    I yelled so much that blood was coming out of my mouth (which they didn't believe) I had to go to the bathroom and they made me pee in a fucking jug, while this man was there holding it, believe me it was not pleasent. I yelled for water, they didn't come. I yelled for help, they didn't come. I tried to rip off the harnesses like you see in movies, that didn't work either. What seemed like hours passed. Then finally they untied me after asking if I could behave.

    I was put into what I think is called a 5150, when they believe you are a danger to yourself and others, they can legally lock you away. I was furious at everybody, yelling at the staff and saying I would sue. I felt like my rights as an American citizen were being denied because they refused me a lawyer. I became paranoid. I thought it was like the book 1984 and got so upset how there were cameras everywhere, including in my room. I tried to call the patients rights number, on the phone, nobody picked up. There was this werid angry beeping noise which they said was from the phone being dropped, but I was convinced it was mind control.

    I was there for the next 5 or 6 days. On the second day I staged what I believed was a protest in the TV room, writing all over the walls, leaving notes everywhere saying fuck you I know my rights. There was a big guy there in his 20s who saw that and was enraged. He picked up the TV by the chord and swung it into the wall (I heard about this later, I had moved into the common room) He came out and knocked the food off all the tables, popcorn flew everywhere. Needless to say they locked him away.

    As the days went on I got a little better, and then I began to feel I was Jack Nicolson's character in One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest. I was the only sane person. I made some friends, there was actually a guy I went to highschool with but I didn't remember him, he told me the food was drugged. I felt a bond with him but he left a few days later. There was a guy whose last name was Joogle, who was convinced people were trying to kill him. He also believed that google got there idea from his name, from a forum where someone posted "what is a joogle" after they saw his name.
    He was nice to me. And there was a Chinese guy in his 40s that was real nice. His nickname was Bruce Lee.

    There was also this guy who reminded me of a cowboy. He was scary though, he came into my room (which has no locks) and stole food my parents gave me, I said just take it and get outta here. He asked if I was John Lennon. WTF!
    Eventually I felt more comfortable there. There was a nice nurse who reminded me of my mom. My family came to visit me, and my dad helped me feel alot better. He said he was trying to get me out.

    There was nothing to do there. I killed time by writing music in a notebook. I wrote like 15 songs, and sang them to make myself feel better. And I stopped drawing on my arms.
    I hoped everyday that I would be released, but the days dragged on. I felt they were purposfully tricking me and keeping away the doctor I needed to talk to to be released.

    Finally I got out, 2 days before my birthday. I finally got the right medication and I am doing a lot better. It was funny because my twin brother went through the same thing in December, albiet not as worse mania as I had, and he didn't have to go through the shit I did.

    Looking back, I try not to feel remorse at the hospital. The experience made me stronger. I felt like they stripped everything away from me, and all that was left was my soul. But now I have a better sense of who I am.

    I kept the paper saying I was delusional for kicks
    Now I try to be more optomistic. My life is going better, I have a girlfriend now who is very kind and supportive. And a psychologist and psychiatrist that I have to see, which I think helps me.

    Thanks for reading, and please share if you have also gone through a painful event in your life.

  2. #2


    i read your post twice, and i will probably dream about it tonight. you've had some amazingly intense experiences. it must have been so terrifying to be restrained, injected, and locked away like that. we think we live in a society where people can't do things like that to us, but they can. it's probably a good thing they can, too, because if they couldn't a lot of crazy people would probably hurt themselves and others, but it still must have been incredibly disturbing to be on the receiving end of that kind of treatment. it sounds like at the time you didn't have the insight you have now into what was going on in your mind.

  3. #3


    I feel for ya on that story and it sounded like you did need help. I got something simular but not nearly as disturbing, still a bit fucked up though.

    when I was in grade school.. like even before the 4th grade i tried to kill myself since I had no friends, my family was pretty much in the process of collapsing on itself.. which it did in the end. So pretty much there was no point for me living and at the time I was the only one in the world who wanted to wear diapers again and I had no idea the fuck why.

    So after trying to jump out from a van going at a maximum of maybe 20 mph. ( step mother stopped me) I was taken to a doctor over in sutter, by Sacramento. which was like 45 mins to a hour away from home here in Stockton. After the whole meeting and me giving them the answers I thought they wanted to hear and misunderstandings on both parties.. they (the doctors and my stepmom I bet) thought it would be better if I stayed there on in patient care.

    I was left there by my dad, forced into a dorm with only the clothes I came in with and cried myself to sleep in bed wearing all my clothes even my shoes. I wet the bed the first 3 nights from the stress of it all, I was scared I would be forced into diapers there at night. all of this when I was maybe 7 or 8 at the most.

    there were up and downs during the whole time.. but that's all I am going to say other then they finally saw I did not need to be there. After that I always had someone though mental health to talk to, up till I canceled the service at 18 or 19.. thinking I was now mature enough to handle my own problems... WRONG. <_>

    So yeah I feel for ya being locked away somewhere from everything you know and love. The situations were extremely different, but the same in some parts.

  4. #4


    I had lot of ear infections and fevers when I was a baby. My mom thinks that's what caused my neurological difference. Mom take me to the doctor and my ear infections get treated but then it come back a few weeks later. I was still getting them at age two I think because I can remember being taken to the kitchen in our house and they have a towel on the floor for me to lie on and mom be on top of me putting something in my mouth and I remember how scared I was then. My dad took movies of it. That was a very scary time for me. My dad told me at age 12 they were giving me medicine for ear infection. I also remember being taken to the doctor and that might have been for when I was having tubes put in. Mom did say they fell out and I had to have them put in again. I remember how scary the visits were.

    I also remember when I was 12, it was the worst year of my life, I wanted to kill myself. The bullying got so bad I couldn't handle it. The pills I was on effected me badly and gave me seizures so my parents took me off them and they also took me out of school because I couldn't be around other kids. I was falling apart. I had a nervous breakdown. No whenever I hear people say teasing should be tolerable and bullying is part of life and it's something kids do, it makes me mad and I want to scream because they think kids bullying a child till they have a nervous breakdown is acceptable? That's fucked up. Also driving a child into depression? Also fucked up.
    While I was out of school, I got tested for Asperger's and I hated going to the place and sitting in the room while my mom and the psychiatrist talk about me. They talked about my past life going back to my early years to present. I was put on different pills and they didn't work until the psychiatrist found the right ones. Then I was diagnosed and I still saw him for follow ups. I was worse back then but I have gotten better over the last 12 years. I continue learning through life and reading about AS and the forums. Then after that I went to less doctors unless they were appointments for health or seeing my shrink. Yeah I really hated that year and then finding out I actually had something wrong with me. I have always known I was different but I didn't know I had a condition. I felt like a freak. Then I'd brush it off every time and not think about it.

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by Fire2box View Post
    So after trying to jump out from a van going at a maximum of maybe 20 mph.
    I'm glad you're still with us. There are a lot of things to live for. Even when times are tough I try to tell myself that. It makes me sad that anyone would be desperate enough to commit suicide, but the world is a messed up place. We're lucky living in modern societies, there are people in the world in a lot worse situations than us.

    I was lucky not to ever be teased in school, maybe because I have a twin brother by my side or that I look tough. I was going through something like bipolar disorder when I was in highschool, but we didn't know what it was then. I called everyone in my Biology class a fucking little kid and "I'm sick of this preschool bullshit!!!" I was out of control. Then these two kids started following me and saying shit. I was really out of it, and couldn't believe they were doing that. They were vultures, I saw them doing it to another kid later, bullying is truely fucked up.

    Oh, there was also this asshole kid in my geometry class, who took out weed during class, and someone told on him. The principle called eveyone in the class asking about it, and I said I didn't see it, which was true. A couple days later I was sitting in the back of the bus. The guy says something like you fucking ratted on me! And some other kid said something similar. He said he was going to beat me up. HAH. All bark no bite. Junior year he was in my computer class, and was still a dipshit. My twin brother and I switched classes that day and he put a porn picture onto my brothers computer while he was away. He kept teasing this girl saying she "loves the cock". God he was such an asshole. Those people weren't hugged as children, or they have broken homes.

    ---------- Post added at 01:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:55 PM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by avery View Post
    we think we live in a society where people can't do things like that to us, but they can.
    If the system sees you as a threat you better believe they can lock you away. I was angry at my country for doing that to me. I just got back from a year in Japan and I believed if this had happened to me there I would have been treated with more respect.
    It was eye opening...there's what we idealistically think of a nation and then the bitter reality. Maybe it's because I'm young and idealistic, but there are a lot of things about America I really don't like. We spend way too much money on weapons development and warfare, while citizens are jobless and struggling. The military trains people to be killers. In Iraq there's child combatants with bombs strapped to themselves, that will be gunned down.
    But is it the terrorists who kill them or us? So many people die in collateral damage. Oops we missed our target by what, a thousand kilometers. Sorry we destroyed your village. SYKE! We're not sorry.

    ---------- Post added at 01:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:11 PM ----------

    It was hard for me to see my twin brother going through the same thing. I felt so bad for him because I know what it was like. I'm just glad he is doing better.

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by Bigbaby85 View Post
    I'm glad you're still with us. There are a lot of things to live for.
    I know there are now, but back then the only thing you really want is friendship.. anyways I doubt back then I actually wanted to die.. The last time I was really suicidal was when I was 14 or 15 or so... which is why I told my dad about me being a TB, thinking he will disown me which would let me commit suicide even easier..

    Of course the unexpected happen and he was okay with it and said he could partial understand it. I don't know if that's really the case, but he's bought me some things and still doesn't mind seeing me with my plushies or Nuk 5.

    So oddly that saved me... if I lived with my mother it would of gone differently though, she hates it..

  7. #7


    I freaked out once and punched some dude out when I was in the seventh grade. Yea, not as bad as the other stories here...

  8. #8


    I am a nonviolent person, but in 1st grade or something this kid was making fun of my twin brother, and i punched the guy. Needless to say nobody messed with the twins after that.

  9. #9


    I'm sorry you had this experience Bb85. I had something similar my senior year in college. It was a violent year, 1970. All the schools had gone on strike, Viet Nam was roaring away, civil rights was a dynamic part of college life. I was demonstrating and meeting with the Black Panthers. I was a member of UNDO and on the FBI's list of people of interest, published in the radical magazine Evergreen. I was into drugs, my room mate, two other boys, spiraling downward. I went home to have dinner with my parents who had company. The company included the man who set up the first nationwide broadcast of Nixon and Khrushchev, important stuff.

    I sat at the dinner table and started crying. I just couldn't stop. I went up to my room, and of course my mom came up to see what the hell was happening. I don't think I told her much, so when I went back to school she searched my room, finding make shift diapers and gay porn. The next week I was at a mental institution. That's what they did when you strayed from the norm in the late 60s and early 70s. You were lucky if you didn't get electro-shock therapy. I just got a shrink, but I had to tell him everything.

    Like you I was obsessed with my writing, which in my case was my poetry. I was published, however, so it wasn't bullshit. I knew my parents couldn't afford the shrink, so I talked myself out of going after several sessions. The year eventually came to an end and I went away to work as a teacher in New York, a huge mistake. But these kind of paths often take us to where we should have gone in the first place. I moved to Ohio, met a whole new group of people, met a girl who would become my wife, and the rest became history.

    I still am sensitive to others, their feelings and their hurts. I still can cry at the damndest things, even my own writing. But frankly, sometimes I write really great lines, and they have meaning to me, because they are about that kid who was 11, and 14, and 17, and 22, the one who endured and fought his way through all the shit we all face, just as you have described. Why can't people treat each other with a little kindness and respect.

  10. #10


    The experiences we go through shape us into what we are. Whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger!
    I think we as ab/dl are more emotional than most people, which is a good thing, but we can become victims of it as well. For a long time I had low self esteem, but I have made strides to be better although I still have feelings of self-doubt.

    Wow, psychiatric wards used to be a joke. very, very scary. Although I would have liked to grow up in your time, students nowadays have no idea how to protest. It must have been hard in such a conservative time. A lot of us have big hearts, but that won't save you from the bitter reality of the real world. I am glad you have found happiness my friend. There's nothing wrong with crying, it's natural. I am sure you are a great writer. I wish our world was like earth in star trek, where mankind has come to peace with itself and people do what they do not for greed or selfishness but for the betterment of humanity
    Hey, a man can dream can't he.

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