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Thread: How to have a Asexual Partner?

  1. #1

    Default How to have a Asexual Partner?

    I know there are a number of people that are on here that are Asexual. This is wonderful, though my question is not really for them, I am in need of answers. Over the years I have worried that it was me that was unwanted or that all that was needed in our relationship was that I accept his wearing of diapers. I have always known he loves me, but he has ever seems to be in love with me as in he has never had a need or interest in me other then friendship.
    We plan to spend the rest of our lives together but he tells me he is not wired properly to be interested in me(implying anyone) physically. So the closest I can think is he is best described as Asexual.
    The problem is while he is happy with the way our physical relationship is, all it leaves me feeling is unworthy, unwanted, and like I am not enough of a woman. I want a family someday, I want it to be with him, but I do not see this happening.
    The question is how do others change these feelings and come to terms with what to me seems to be rejection on a daily basis?
    How do you keep from taking it personally?
    How do I get the things I need with out hurting our relationship?
    He is the love of my life, but I do not want to give up the life that I need.
    How do I choose between Love and Self?

  2. #2

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    Choose always in self, Luvs. If you can't choose in self, then who can you rely on?

    Love should never be gotten at the sacrifice of one's own pleasure or desire. Let's face it -- relationships are, at the heart, things that require sexuality to truly thrive, to be seen as something emotionally more than the friendship from which many of them first develop. If a man is driven sexually only by diapers, there may be an underlying issue that needs be remedied. We all want to feel loved, wanted, cared for. We all want to be touched, held, pleased, and physically satisfied, and if we can't achieve that in a relationship, then it's my belief that there are changes that need to occur to help keep the relationship afloat.

    Sexuality, in most cases, requires investment; sexuality encourages closer emotional bonding. Without it, relationships run the risk of feeling like something big is missing.

    Don't let go of your want for physical affection, Luvs. A proper man needs take all the steps he can to ensure his lady is pleased both emotionally and physically. I truly believe there are no proper exceptions to this rule.

    Communicate. Talk. Tell him what you want. If he doesn't want to give it, then I think you can take it from there. Just my two cents.

  3. #3

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    Very tough questions. I am not sure I can give you the answers, but I do have a bit of understanding how diapers can affect a physical relationship.

    In some ways I don't think questions like this can be answered once and for all, relationships are an ongoing development and both parties will experience changes (lol) in how they relate to each other.

    Perhaps it is an issue of perception, both parties looking at the same issue, but arriving at different conclusions. Maybe you need to have a discusion with your partner about what you need to recieve from a relationship. Both partners need to get benefits from a relationship or it will not last.

    Choose between love and self? To me there can be no choice here, you must have both to be happy, chosing one over the other sounds like a recipie for lifelong regret.

    If you need someone to talk to that is in a somewhat similar situation as you, PM me and I can put you in touch with my wife, she may be able to give you some insight that I cannot provide.
    Sorry, this is kinda rushed, I have to go to work.

  4. #4

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    It's a very difficult situation. If he's asexual you can't really force him into finding you sexually attractive, but I would say he is certainly obligated to satisfy you, especially after you've been so accepting.

    You need to talk to him about and make it clear that you aren't happy with how things currently are, and talk about what he can do to rectify that.

    I certainly wouldn't settle! Don't accept the fact that he's not doing his bit an try to deal with it, make him do his bit!

  5. #5

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    if i was ever in an asexual partnership with someone i would never EVER want that person to interpret my lack of sexual interest as rejection. i would be devastated if i thought my asexuality was being taken as a personal insult, or that my partner felt like "less of a women" (if they were female) because of it.

    asexuality isn't an attitude i take toward someone. it's who i am -- my sexual identity -- and it applies to everyone equally. it's not as if i feel "more" or "less" asexual toward some people than others.

    i understand that you feel dissatisfied, and i understand that most people can't be happy in a relationship unless they're satisfied sexually. but asexuality isn't a personalized rejection note, it's simply the reality of who some people are.

  6. #6

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    Wow.

    I don't have all the answers, but I'll throw out a few thoughts because I don't like the idea of leaving you hanging out there vulnerable.

    My best guess is he's in something of a rut, and not all that happy with himself. At least that's the impression I got when he was posting here. Been there, done that. Changing your relationship would involve taking off the diaper and interacting with you in new and different ways. Its difficult for many people to overcome the inertia of the daily routine. I wouldn't confront that directly, but that is one possibility.

    He needs to be happier with himself and excited about something new. There are a lot of possibilities. A sport, a hobby, new (different!) job, vacation, move to a new house. For me, taking up endurance sports at 40 dramatically changed me, my lifestyle, and my relationships. Didn't give up diapers, or change women, but once the routine is broken, everything is up for grabs and it becomes easier to 'slip into' a different sort of relationship with YOU. Pun intended. This is the same reason that businesses go through periodic reorganisation. Its not that the old ways were bad, its just that you stagnate if you keep going with same old-same old. Look up "Hawthorne Effect" in any management text. Women commonly do the same thing by saying "No mas until I get the ring". Obviously that doesn't apply here.

    I don't know that you can find this 'routine breaker' for him. It has to be something that really grabs him by the balls. A new obsession if you will. Keep your eyes open for opportunities. You're with him enough that you probably know the signs that something is setting the gears turning in his head. That's the time to give it a nudge to see if it can be the 'next big thing'.

    That's all I got. Feel free to call bullshit. I could be way off the mark as I only know the two of you from the forum, so no offense will be taken.

    Edit: I'm sure you figured out that I'm not buying the asexual thing. I'm sure its possible, but more likely its a symptom of other issues.
    Last edited by Maxx; 14-Jan-2010 at 18:09.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by avery View Post
    if i was ever in an asexual partnership with someone i would never EVER want that person to interpret my lack of sexual interest as rejection. i would be devastated if i thought my asexuality was being taken as a personal insult, or that my partner felt like "less of a women" (if they were female) because of it.

    asexuality isn't an attitude i take toward someone. it's who i am -- my sexual identity -- and it applies to everyone equally. it's not as if i feel "more" or "less" asexual toward some people than others.

    i understand that you feel dissatisfied, and i understand that most people can't be happy in a relationship unless they're satisfied sexually. but asexuality isn't a personalized rejection note, it's simply the reality of who some people are.
    The problem is that While my mind knows that lack of a sexual drive is not a choice, there for nothing personal, my heart dose not feel the same way. It is hard to explain to someone that is not in the same situation, as I never thought that it would be so hard myself.

    For a while I thought it was the diapers that were in the way, not I think the diapers are more a way to hide what is not there.
    I do not want to change him in anyway, why punish him for something he can not change. I just need to find someone who can help me work through my problems.

    There is always a difference in knowing something and feeling something.

    I repeat I Do Not Want to Change him. If that is the type of person I was I never would have been as willing to step into his world. What I need to know is How do I do it?

  8. #8
    LilLillyKitten

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    Sex is one of the strongest drives humans have... I, myself, am fairly certain that I could go the rest of my life without it. If you don't think you could, then I'd suggest letting this one go... If they come back or things change, then it was meant to be; otherwise...

    This is a tough one, though... Personally, I found that sacrificing certain things just made things even worse, but my ex wasn't really looking out for my best interests. It made me very unhappy and actually injected even more stress into the relationship.

    Communication and personal sacrifice are two things that must be present for a relationship to exist in the first place. Determining what either party is willing to sacrifice is part of communication, and if it is found that something cannot be given up, (Easily or due to extenuating circumstances.) then something has to be done to resolve the matter.

    ---------- Post added at 01:05 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:02 PM ----------



    Quote Originally Posted by LuvsGurl View Post
    I do not want to change him in anyway, why punish him for something he can not change. I just need to find someone who can help me work through my problems.
    Go see a couple therapist; I doubt any of us are qualified for such an endeavor.

  9. #9

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    Couple counseling might be a good idea, I'm kind of slow with the whole "OMFG ROMANCE AND KISSES" stuff. Don't know why.

    But, I can tell you that I have a very good friend who is in a long-term relationship with an asexual person. So, it can work.

    But, there's seemed to be a long long stream of breakups/relationship issues in the past week or so. My best friend is probably breaking up with her boyfriend, I just got dumped (Yes, sadface. Oh so so so sadface.), a few people I know over the internets are having issues, and people all over campus are breaking up and crying. My mother is convinced that the planets are messing up our spiritual energies, but we're hippie freaks.

    Oh, and take TigerLily's advice here. Take a break from the relationship; absence makes the heart grow fonder in a lot of cases.

  10. #10

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    I say that this is an extremely complicated situation, and there are nuances that nobody here understands, and yes, nuances that you are failing to explain. I believe none of us has the answer that will work for you, and are instead projecting our own opinions or desires onto you.

    If you want this to work, you should talk to people who have been there with you throughout most of the relationship. Moreover, if your mind is having a hard time syncing up with your heart, then you need to let go of caution and try something you truly feel you want to do. This could be flinging yourself at him in a passionate kiss, or outing your feelings, or beating him up, or completely disappearing for a week. The status quo is clearly unacceptable; you need to change it one way or another, and currently, all of your options look equally good.

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