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Thread: Nothing But Guilt

  1. #1

    Default Nothing But Guilt

    Now that I've been living on my own (moved for college), I've been purchasing from websites like ABUniverse and Bambino. And everytime I do this, and everytime I put one of their products on, I feel a profound sadness and disgust with myself. I feel so cornered. Addicted to this junk. And it's the worst kind of addiction, because, unlike pot or whatever else, diapers are everywhere. I can't go without being reminded of them. There's no fucking escape. I hate it, guys. I hate this part of me, and I want it to burn.

    A few months ago, I was institutionalized after trying to commit suicide several times. Pills. Cutting. The whole shitton. And the intensive therapy didn't help cause I couldn't tell anyone this particular part of my depression. There are other issues, but therapy doesn't seem to do much anyway. Pills don't do much. I dunno. It's putting me in a rut.

    Have you guys dealt with anything like this? It really sucks.

  2. #2

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    Mate, you need to talk to someone about this. There's only so much support you can receive from a forum. We can go on and on here about how you need to accept yourself for who you are and embrace your ABDL side, but you really need to hear it from someone you know and trust or a professional who can put things into perspective. You have no reason to feel guilty about a liking towards diapers. It's a bit unusual yes but it's not damaging unless you become obsessive about it. If you can learn to enjoy it in moderation without it affecting other areas of your life, then you have no reason to deny that part of you. If you tell someone about your AB/DL side you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your chest. The reaction of most people is always far less dramatic than we think. Good luck with it mate, and keep your chin up!

  3. #3

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    I agree, just find someone you trust, and just tell them about your diaper feelings. It will be a great weight off you. And if there is something deeper bothering you, then you will know if the diapers are really the cause for your problems. Diapers should be a release for stress, not the cause of it. I hope you find the help you need, and if you need to talk, there are a bunch of us who would be glad to talk to you, hit me up sometime if you need to.

  4. #4
    MXmadman

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    I've felt the same way about myself at times. I'd love to be the same straight-laced person that I perceive the average person to be. If I could live without certain sides of myself, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But the fact is, I can't live without them. Instead of beating myself up over it, I've had to learn to slowly accept that it's part of who I am and how my mind works. I've come to understand that I'm not hurting anybody by wearing them, and they do give me pleasure and at times a release from stress. I've kept it in enough moderation that I can control when I do and don't want to wear a diaper. When I'm in the mood, I put one on, when I'm not in the mood, I take it off. It's almost like a light switch that I can turn and off, which is nice.

    If you ever feel like they are taking control of you instead of vice versa, just do something that you enjoy that you don't have to actually be diapered to enjoy. If you're having fun without them, you won't even be thinking about them, and if you do, you'll be able to say to yourself, "I'll worry about that later".

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by nappies4fun View Post
    Mate, you need to talk to someone about this. There's only so much support you can receive from a forum. We can go on and on here about how you need to accept yourself for who you are and embrace your ABDL side, but you really need to hear it from someone you know and trust or a professional who can put things into perspective. You have no reason to feel guilty about a liking towards diapers. It's a bit unusual yes but it's not damaging unless you become obsessive about it. If you can learn to enjoy it in moderation without it affecting other areas of your life, then you have no reason to deny that part of you. If you tell someone about your AB/DL side you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your chest. The reaction of most people is always far less dramatic than we think. Good luck with it mate, and keep your chin up!
    +1. This is pretty much perfect.

    OP: Given the depth of the your described battle with depression, it would be irresponsible of us to suggest anything other than continued professional help. You mention that you felt that you couldn't share AB/DL with your prior therapist - you must avail yourself of this notion, especially if AB/DL is among the root causes of your mental distress.

    There are numerous threads wherein people have described having spoken about the responses they received about AB/DL from their therapist:

    -Statik's thread (which is still open): http://www.adisc.org/forum/adult-bab...2-therapy.html
    -A thread which asks about others' experiences with therapists: http://www.adisc.org/forum/diaper-ta...-they-say.html
    -A poll-thread on members' therapist responses to AB/DL: http://www.adisc.org/forum/adult-bab...ional-say.html

    I'd imagine that any of the members who have posted their experiences with therapy in the above threads would be willing to discuss their encounters via PM.



    It is not clear from your post whether you believe that expressing AB/DL is intrinsically negative, or it is merely that you feel trapped by an addiction to serving your AB/DL side, or some combination thereof.

    -If you feel that it is intrinsically negative, the standard response is to point out that AB/DL is not harmful to yourself or to others, so there is no objective reason to consider it negative. People have different personalities, different things that are enjoyable to them, and different kinks, many of which are even more absurd than AB/DL - being significantly different is inconvenient but not wrong or sinful.
    -If you feel trapped by addiction, then you have crossed the line wherein AB/DL is disrupting your ability to lead a productive and enjoyable life. You need to achieve moderation, which is a end goal that a professional can help you achieve.

  6. #6

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    I agree with NutFreeFruitcake. I for one value and respect you for who you are. And as a friend, which I think you would find all of us who have replied so far would count themselves as being to you, I do ask that you find someone who you can trust and talk to and talk things over with him or her. I get the feeling that you are a very sensitive person and I for one would rather have a friend who feels that way. So please lets see a smile and a looking forward to 2010 with a feeling of being positive about yourself knowing that there are others thinking of you and willing you on.

  7. #7

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    I was in your same boat when I was in college, except I told my shrink. I had to because my mom caught me. He was very accepting and said I would outgrow it. He was wrong, but the subject didn't bother him. I don't know how I would have reacted in group, however. I didn't have group therapy.

    Like the others have said, I think you need to find a therapist you can talk to about all of this. We are here for you. I think if you stay on this site long enough, you will begin to accept yourself better. We all go through wondering what the hell are we doing! We often talk about the why's, though none of us have come up with a definitive answer.

    If it helps you any, I went through the whole guilt thing, and mine was coupled with sexual problems. Eventually I married, had children, and now have a 22 month old grand child. I have been living with this for a long time. It was only a year and a half ago that my wife learned about it. She is very accepting. All this time I did it on the QT. I'm a successful musician and computer tech, and quite frankly, life goes on. Trust me, it's not worth hurting yourself because of it. Everyone has something kinky. They just don't talk about it.

    Stay on the site and feel free to join in on the discussions. I think that after a while, you will feel better about yourself. Many of us are accomplished professional people living with this. Suppose you had MS or something else. Would you feel guilty about that? It's not something you asked for, you were simply made that way. This site will help you learn to live with it. My best wishes go with you.

  8. #8

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    Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice. I'm giving it my all and trying to work through this. I'm glad this place is around, and that you guys are here.

  9. #9

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    And it's the worst kind of addiction, because, unlike pot or whatever else, diapers are everywhere. I can't go without being reminded of them. There's no fucking escape.
    I'm reading too much into it but any addiction is going to have cravings, the actual object need not be present...the mere recollection/feeling of need at any given time can cause a craving. You sound like you really need to talk to someone, I'd say preferably you trust or a shrink that you know in real life. This support group could be incredibly useful as well but if you're on a brink, you need to get a handle on things yourself before it continues to spiral out of control.

    You didn't mention whether or not the suicidal thoughts are linked to this particular fetish or some other cause. (overwhelming stress, etc.) I know no more of you than what you've said in this post. It feels like a self-image problem and that you need to accept who you are with it's benefits and faults. You certainly can try to improve or push things in a certain direction. Depression is a really serious thing and can be tricky to handle. I know a lot of people who've dealt with it and it's really something you need to work at on a daily basis. I have some strategies to deal with it but I think it partly depends where the depression comes from has a lot to do with how to handle it. This is why I think you really need to go into great detail with someone close or a professional as any of us can certainly attempt to help, but I don't think we could get somewhere as quickly as that would and as it sounds you need help sooner than later.

  10. #10

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    i'll add my voice to the chorus urging you to talk to a therapist about all this guilt. if you're suicidal then you need therapy, and if ABDL-hood is a part of what's making you suicidal then your therapist can't help you get better until they know about it.

    i can sympathize with your reluctance to talk about it. i've never told anyone in real life about this before. i don't know how i could possibly bring myself to say "i have a diaper fetish" out loud. here's my advice: tell your therapist you have something you need to talk to them about, but you're too mortified to say it in words. hopefully they would have some ideas for how to make it easier for you to talk about it. after all, helping people feel comfortable talking about their issues is pretty much a therapist's job.

    and lastly, for what it's worth, you're not a freak. you're just a normal person with a quirky little fetish, and you should seriously chill out about it. it's not really all that big of a deal. i know you're in a place where you can't really hear that, but i thought i'd say it anyway just on the off-chance that it helps you feel a bit better.

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