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Thread: Holiday Cookies and Grief Recovery

  1. #1

    Post Holiday Cookies and Grief Recovery

    True story so please be kind in your replies.

    I am sitting here lost and confused. Not really just sitting here with butterflies in my stomach and a little too much sugar.

    I feel like I felt on the first day of school as a kid.

    Yesterday my girlfriend was making cookies. I LOVE cookies but the sugar rips apart my stomach. I only had about three (okay maybe a forth one before I went to bed, fine).

    My girlfriend put on my maximum protection depends as I love those during the night. Actually, I had worn one pretty much all morning on Saturday while watching cartoons and wrapping a few presents.

    I usually put my underwear on in the mornings but it is the holiday and somehow the kid feelings start going into overdrive and I start feeling more like a full time diaper lover with my long shirts.

    I went to the store in my diaper yesterday to get some stuff for the cooking, too.

    Okay the reason why I am up this morning and it is not pleasant and I am kind of ashamed right now.

    About an hour and a half ago or roughly 3AM I woke up and had my stomach telling me it was not happy. I grabbed my soft blankie and pillow and balled up in stomach pain. Darn Cookies!

    My girlfriend left to her Moms after she tucked me in last night so I was also a little scared. The area around where I leave is like a ghost town as everyone left for home in the last week after finals so that does not help.

    As I hugged my pillow and soft blankie I felt the need to have a bowel movement and was actually to the point of being scared to get out of bed. It was like I did not have my Mommy here to tuck me back in or put on a clean diaper.

    I know that sounds weird but it is true.

    Okay long story ... I am embarrassed and no one to talk to right now. I had an accident #2. I am close to crying I feel awful, cold and alone.

    I feel ashamed telling a random blog site what is going on but my girlfriend is not here and I don't know what to do. I know I do but I am scared.

    I am going back to sleep with a messy diaper and just crawl up in a fetal position for the next day.

    It is like I am going through the stages of grief right now.

    Stage 1 - Awoke scared to death of the reality that my stomach was hurting and then denied the fact that I had an accident.

    Stage 2 - Felt guilty for not being able to hold it in and make it to the bathroom like a big kid.

    Stage 3 - Going on a site (here) and trying to bargain with others on if this is right or wrong and what I should do about it.

    Stage 4 - Where I was as I was writing this blog. Reflecting and Lonely.

    Stage 5 - I know I need to get my messy diaper off as it has been about 2 hours and it is not healthy for me. Even though my girlfriend does put desitin on me every time she changes me. But it is still kind of gross and it smells a little.

    Stage 6 - Is where I will be in about 10 minutes (or back to bed) in working through this mess I created.

    Stage 7 - I just have to accept the fact that I am who I am as an adult baby and these things are going to happen despite the past 10 years.


    Thank you all for listening to me and I am not sure why I am still posting this blog but maybe it will help someone that has issues with being an adult baby who thought they would of grown out it in their teen years.

    Your Kid

  2. #2
    curiousitykitten

    Default

    i hate to hijack the thread, but i was expecting it to be totally different. Now I have an idea for a short Christmas story though. The thread title made me think of a teenager. His mother dies in a car crash and he is spending his first christmas witout her. Ever since the crash he has not allowed himself to cry and is isolated. He is close to mute. Noone really notices except one girl who he used to talk to alot in years prior. Oddly enough she went through the same thing years ago when she was a kindergardner. In order to make him feel better, she comes over with cookie mix. She asks him if he wants to make cookies and he accepts. While he makes the cookies his eyes tear up as he remembers his last christmas with his mother. They would make cookies every year aand lay them out for santa, because even if he didn't exist the spirit of Christmas was magical. Hours past and when the cookies were ready the boy was ready to talk. He talked about good times with his mother and shared precious memories. The girl recalled similar stories, but not so many because she was young. There was alot of emotion in the room, but suddenly they both felt a sense of fufillment,like a weight had been lifted. Now every Christmas eve they get togeter,make cookies, and remember thier mothers.


    i can write way better, its just choppy because i was thinking of a concept in like 5 minutes

  3. #3

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    Yeah, it does sound like a story. Assuming it's true, do you have a home and family you can go to? I'm assuming you are a student. When I was in college, as soon as it was winter break, I was packed in my car and going home. I had family and friends there. I loved seeing them again.

    As far as a hurting stomach and diarrhea, get up and go to the bathroom. We all get sick, and strange as it seems, we all get up and go to the bathroom. Before you tell me you're really sick, several years ago I was dying from a bleeding ulcer. I didn't know that was what was wrong with me, but for god's sake, I still got up and went to the bathroom. Eventually I clinically died, went through the tunnel of light, came back sitting in a wheel chair in the parking lot of Medchoice. They rushed me to the hospital, I spent a week in intensive care, and damn it, I still got up and went to the bathroom. I think you can too.

    So on to your loneliness which I think is at the heart of the problem. At this time of year, you need to be with those who care about you and love you. If you have family, now is the time to see them. If you are estranged from them, try making ties to them. If nothing else, get real and tell us more about yourself. Be honest. We're here to help.

  4. #4

    Default

    Alright that ordeal is behind me. A good shower, turned the heater on in this apartment and just put on my bigger kid underwear this morning ... Disney Cars Boxer Briefs.

    I think I am going to head over to the dollar movies and watch Astro Boy when my girlfriend gets back here this morning.

    Thanks for the kick in the arss there dogboy. I needed that this morning. It was scary but I cannot be afraid to just get out of my "comfort zone". It is weird how freaked out I was to move this morning. It was cold in the room too so I am not sure. Just a complete combination of events. I am not usually one to soil my diapers but when I took it off it was not really as bad as I thought.

    Much better being clean....

    As far as family I leave with my girlfriend tomorrow to my house so we will spend a couple days there and then back to her Mom's house for Christmas Eve. We are spending Christmas Morning and Day together. I am actually excited as I saw she got something from webundies and I am hoping for DC Comics briefs of superman and batman.

    God I love being a kid. Thank you all for your support this morning, including the private message giving me some encouragement that everything was okay and the kick in the butt. I needed both.

    Okay time to get some toast and jelly and I might drive down to the mall and feed the fish this morning as my girlfriend will not be past until around 11.

    TTFN.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by curiousitykitten View Post
    i hate to hijack the thread, but i was expecting it to be totally different. Now I have an idea for a short Christmas story though. The thread title made me think of a teenager. His mother dies in a car crash and he is spending his first christmas witout her. Ever since the crash he has not allowed himself to cry and is isolated. He is close to mute. Noone really notices except one girl who he used to talk to alot in years prior. Oddly enough she went through the same thing years ago when she was a kindergardner. In order to make him feel better, she comes over with cookie mix. She asks him if he wants to make cookies and he accepts. While he makes the cookies his eyes tear up as he remembers his last christmas with his mother. They would make cookies every year aand lay them out for santa, because even if he didn't exist the spirit of Christmas was magical. Hours past and when the cookies were ready the boy was ready to talk. He talked about good times with his mother and shared precious memories. The girl recalled similar stories, but not so many because she was young. There was alot of emotion in the room, but suddenly they both felt a sense of fufillment,like a weight had been lifted. Now every Christmas eve they get togeter,make cookies, and remember thier mothers.


    i can write way better, its just choppy because i was thinking of a concept in like 5 minutes
    Good hijack/save for a BS thread.

  6. #6

    Default

    < Is So Lost Right Now (is the internet really like this)*slaps own face* ..Wait a minute what did i just say .. hahah

  7. #7

    Default

    I don't see what's so hard to buy about this. Many of us are inclined toward regression to one level or another and we do things we wouldn't ordinarily allow ourselves to do. Elements of a fantasy can seem just dandy while in their throes and like a very bad idea after the fact. Part of good judgment is knowing yourself well enough to know what you're going to accept later as well as in the heat of the moment.

    Kid, I don't know anything about your psychological history, so I have no context for what you've said here. If there's nothing unusual there, then you should probably suck it up and come to terms with what you did. In that sense, it's not an "accident", you made your decision and that's fine. No one was hurt, no property damaged. Could be you'll never hit the combination of circumstances that will urge you to do that again, or it could be something that will sneak up on you again. No need for stages of grief, it's just something you let yourself do.

    If you do have some kind of history of bad impulse control and/or peculiar anxieties, or if this affects other areas of your life, you're going to want to check with someone professional about it.

    Take it easy on the sugar.

  8. #8

    Default

    Thanks Trevor. I just never felt that way before this morning. And yea, I do things in private that I ordinarily do not do in public. I guess it was not a bad thing what I did this morning just completely different.

    It was my decision and you are right nobody and nothing got hurt except a little self pride. I do hope that the combination does not happen again (at least anytime soon) but I do accept that it was not an accident and it was my choice. I just cannot believe I felt trapped in the damn bed.

    I seriously want to thank everyone here this morning and I will be watching that sugar intake a little closer to avoid at least one element of the equation that happened this morning.

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