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Thread: Relationship issue

  1. #1

    Default Relationship issue

    Now I want some opinions here and I will try to keep this as objective as possible. to start off the girl in question was an ex-girlfriend (who we will call girl A) who I unfortunately never got to meet due to unfortunate circumstances never the less I was always a close friend to her (and to confirm I can trust her as she I known by my friend who I do see and have know for a long time, so there is trust by proxy)


    to start to explain this situation I’m in I have to give a bit of back story of an event of want happened to me back in April of this year, to cut it short I has sex with a girl (who we will call girl B) in a computer repair shop (< I know odd place huh)

    Now during that time I and girl A had no formal agreement of a relationship or brake or no sex pact till a time where we could get back together.


    anyway I am talking to girl A today and the conversation though lewd was going well and looking to be that of getting back on tracks for a new relationship where we would of hopefully met, and we happened to be talking about sex in her computer repair shop (yes both girl A & B have their own computer repair business) so I happen to mention that it would be wired if I were to have sex again in a computer repair shop. This is where girl A got mad to the knowledge of my encounter back in April.


    Now my question is, is it fair for her to be mad/upset at me when no formal agreement between me and girl A regarding a relationship or sex?

    Cause as I see it was to me of being a free man back then.




    Update


    I had a talk with her and she said she was upset cause I never told her at the time that I had done it, I thought it wasn't wise to tell someone you were close to about that sort of thing?
    Last edited by nyah; 20-Oct-2009 at 15:24. Reason: update

  2. #2

    Default

    Short answer: yes. Her emotions are her own, so despite any formal, or lack of formal, agreement, her emotions do not follow those rules.

    Beyond that, your first paragraph of your post confused me, and I have no clue what to say beyond that.

  3. #3

    Default

    I'd have to agree with Babymullet. Emotions don't operate under the principles of 'fair' or 'unfair', although we often resort to questions of fairness in the midst of emotional problems.

    If the two of you were somehow emotionally involved, if your relationship together was perceived (by her) to be different and special, then it makes sense that she'd be upset. For you to have been involved with another sends a message to girl A that you don't desire her as much as you desired this mysterious other. This may or may not be true, but how's girl A supposed to know?

    Ultimately, I'd suggest thinking about what you want girl A to perceive, and how you want her to feel. Then do your best to send the right messages, either explicit or implicit. That's communication.

    Good luck!

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by PostTenebrasLux View Post
    I'd have to agree with Babymullet. Emotions don't operate under the principles of 'fair' or 'unfair', although we often resort to questions of fairness in the midst of emotional problems.

    If the two of you were somehow emotionally involved, if your relationship together was perceived (by her) to be different and special, then it makes sense that she'd be upset. For you to have been involved with another sends a message to girl A that you don't desire her as much as you desired this mysterious other. This may or may not be true, but how's girl A supposed to know?

    Ultimately, I'd suggest thinking about what you want girl A to perceive, and how you want her to feel. Then do your best to send the right messages, either explicit or implicit. That's communication.

    Good luck!



    i see, so i should exslapin this had no clue that she was interested back then?

  5. #5

  6. #6
    eric007

    Default

    nyah,

    You're in your early 20ies... (I'm just 30... ).
    I'm no closet-guy either - I had a number of short, a good number of one night stands and a very few long term relationships so far.
    Some good, some great, some sad, some bad.
    doesn't make me an expert... but I have a tad of experience in this field.

    Your situation is a bit weird imho:
    1. You say you have some sort of "love-relationship" with a girl you have NEVER MET?
    I mean how does that exactly work? Internet?
    How SERIOUS is the relationship?

    2. You have "needs" - she has some - and I don't know for HOW LONG you are going to be apart - until you finally meet and maybe find out there's not much to it... or maybe madly fall in love and spend the rest of your lifes together... or anything in between.

    3. She has every right to be upset about this, if she has "emotionally invested" into this relationship - just as you have any right to choose freely what you agree upon and what not.

    4. What are your plans for this relationship?
    I mean - the most important thing if it's your idea to get into a long-term relationship is TRUST - TRUST TRUST & TRUST. I mean if you don't trust the person you want to be together with - how's that gonna work? - it won't.
    To build up trust you need to be open and open minded. But you also need to be serious, sincere and so should she.

    Ask youself if this is the type of relationship you want (one in which you make some "agreements (formal or not)" - talk about stuff & things - without actually having met...)
    I say first get to meet the girl - try to build something up and go from there.

    But honestly - even risking to sound shallow or rude: The way you describe this relationship doesn't sound serious to me.
    'cause honestly, if you'd be sure about it, dead sure that this is what you want - you wouldn't "stray" in the first place - would you?
    Also what hinders you guys from meeting in real world?
    I have traveled half the globe to be back together with a girl I was madly in love after she had to relocate... and we had a wonderful time.
    But it takes some effort - and if no one is willing to take it - you will not get "far".

    Good Luck - it sounds complicated enough.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by eric007 View Post
    nyah,

    You're in your early 20ies... (I'm just 30... ).
    I'm no closet-guy either - I had a number of short, a good number of one night stands and a very few long term relationships so far.
    Some good, some great, some sad, some bad.
    doesn't make me an expert... but I have a tad of experience in this field.

    Your situation is a bit weird imho:
    1. You say you have some sort of "love-relationship" with a girl you have NEVER MET?
    I mean how does that exactly work? Internet?
    How SERIOUS is the relationship?

    2. You have "needs" - she has some - and I don't know for HOW LONG you are going to be apart - until you finally meet and maybe find out there's not much to it... or maybe madly fall in love and spend the rest of your lifes together... or anything in between.

    3. She has every right to be upset about this, if she has "emotionally invested" into this relationship - just as you have any right to choose freely what you agree upon and what not.

    4. What are your plans for this relationship?
    I mean - the most important thing if it's your idea to get into a long-term relationship is TRUST - TRUST TRUST & TRUST. I mean if you don't trust the person you want to be together with - how's that gonna work? - it won't.
    To build up trust you need to be open and open minded. But you also need to be serious, sincere and so should she.

    Ask youself if this is the type of relationship you want (one in which you make some "agreements (formal or not)" - talk about stuff & things - without actually having met...)
    I say first get to meet the girl - try to build something up and go from there.

    But honestly - even risking to sound shallow or rude: The way you describe this relationship doesn't sound serious to me.
    'cause honestly, if you'd be sure about it, dead sure that this is what you want - you wouldn't "stray" in the first place - would you?
    Also what hinders you guys from meeting in real world?
    I have traveled half the globe to be back together with a girl I was madly in love after she had to relocate... and we had a wonderful time.
    But it takes some effort - and if no one is willing to take it - you will not get "far".

    Good Luck - it sounds complicated enough.


    1: yes we have never met however we both have had many conversations using the internet, I was infatuated with her at one point but that had to stop cause of an issue before this (April event) but I still was interested in her but gave her necessary space to deal with the issue (that when we decided to break up)

    2: as for having much in common we do, we are both nerds in computing and gaming (yeah I know a female gamer, it like never happens)

    3: as I say there was no relationship at that time as far as I knew

    4: and my plans with her? Well if it could stop being long distance it could be something grate, which it may if she gets a few things sorted.

  8. #8
    eric007

    Default

    nyah,

    let things roll... see what happens ... don't push it.
    if she's mad - she's mad about it, so be it.

    I mean if you were not "together" and that was clear - it was bound to "happen".
    sure it still can hurt - especially if one or both were / are emotionally involved.

    Give it some time and see how things will work out.

    Long distance can be a true killer for any relationship, especially if it is a new one.
    it can be tough on a long term relationship (believe me).

    Honestly I have not known many who managed to create a lasting long term relationship - besides all love - a relationship is also something physical.
    and the later aspect should not be underestimated... it can create a serious stress on any relationship if you're separated for a too long time.

    I don't know how far away she is - but if it's within a couple of days and you can somehow afford it - meet with her in person.
    Either it will do you both a lot of good and help to work things out properly - or it will put an end to something that is not meant to be...
    But really if it's possible by any means, try to get together.

    Eric

  9. #9

    Default

    Oh I could go and see her for less than 30 but Manchester or rather the part she is in scares the fuck out of me, and I have just found out that she was wanting something more physical from me but I do think she is interested.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by nyah View Post
    Now I want some opinions here and I will try to keep this as objective as possible. to start off the girl in question was an ex-girlfriend (who we will call girl A) who I unfortunately never got to meet due to unfortunate circumstances never the less I was always a close friend to her (and to confirm I can trust her as she I known by my friend who I do see and have know for a long time, so there is trust by proxy)


    to start to explain this situation I’m in I have to give a bit of back story of an event of want happened to me back in April of this year, to cut it short I has sex with a girl (who we will call girl B) in a computer repair shop (< I know odd place huh)

    Now during that time I and girl A had no formal agreement of a relationship or brake or no sex pact till a time where we could get back together.


    anyway I am talking to girl A today and the conversation though lewd was going well and looking to be that of getting back on tracks for a new relationship where we would of hopefully met, and we happened to be talking about sex in her computer repair shop (yes both girl A & B have their own computer repair business) so I happen to mention that it would be wired if I were to have sex again in a computer repair shop. This is where girl A got mad to the knowledge of my encounter back in April.


    Now my question is, is it fair for her to be mad/upset at me when no formal agreement between me and girl A regarding a relationship or sex?

    Cause as I see it was to me of being a free man back then.




    Update


    I had a talk with her and she said she was upset cause I never told her at the time that I had done it, I thought it wasn't wise to tell someone you were close to about that sort of thing?
    Too long; riddled with errors; unfocussed.

    Did not read.

    Hopefully whatever you were asking was addressed.

    EDIT: Wait, you're in the UK? Then it's simple. The answer is always no.

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