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Thread: Dealing with fear (long post, sorry)

  1. #1

    Default Dealing with fear (long post, sorry)

    Well, since I joined this forum to figure out and come to terms with my diaper loving self, I might as well get a start on it. :P

    First off, I have to say I'm a bit intimidated by the statistics. I once tried finding some kind of forum or group for recovered *B/DL's, and was surprised when I had no luck. Then I saw the wiki, and it seems like there's no documented case of someone successfully eliminating this aspect of themselves and maintaining a happy, healthy mental state. I'm not yet ready to admit that it's impossible, but I think that it's owed in large part to some of my biggest fears involving this particular "hobby."

    For me, a lot of it comes down to fear of rejection. I don't want to lose friends or opportunities because someone finds out I like wearing diapers. While it's obviously not SUPER rare, it is still not a very common thing. But even more than friends and opportunities, I'm afraid that I'll never find a girl who will both accept me AND respect me at the same time. I'm afraid that the diapers will be seen as a sign of weakness despite my ability to function (and function well) in the mundane world. This is the primary reason I'm considering trying to rewrite this portion of my psyche - if I eliminate the aspect I fear will be rejected, then there's no chance that it will become a problem.

    I realize that much of this comes down to confidence, which I'm still working on. I'm miles ahead of where I was before; in fact, my love of diapers is one of only a few points of contention left. I have integrated and accepted almost every other part of myself. This one, though, poses a special problem. I think the diapers are a big part of why I've never really pursued a relationship with a girl. In fact, my fear of rejection led me to try to be gay. It was only a few years ago that I finally realized that I would always desire a relationship with a girl, and it's only been recently that I've stopped trying to deny it (primarily because I was in a relationship with another guy, who is also into diapers, and who I still live with.)

    However, it seems that a surprising number of the members here have been able to find relationships with people of the opposite sex who are pretty open to this kind of stuff. I would like to believe that the same possibility is open to me, but I have no idea about where or how to meet someone who would both be accepting (and even better, participatory) of diapers while having a healthy emotional and romantic relationship as well (meaning that diapers would not be the basis of the relationship, just a very nice addition to it). Am I inaccurate in my assessment that the majority of mundane girls would most likely find this hobby creepy at best, and disgusting at worst?

    As for meeting someone through the community at large, that doesn't seem a very promising aspect either. For one, it's very likely that anyone I made a connection with would not live in my area, and long-distance relationships are hard (I know from experience.) Secondly, and even more importantly, there's generally a fairly large gender disparity in any *B/DL community. This, coupled with the unsavory actions of a few bad apples, have made it to where I'm afraid of even showing interest in a female member for fear of being seen as just another shallow horny guy just looking for a thrill.

    TL;DR - My love of diapers is a major confidence-crusher when it comes to seeking a relationship, and I want to figure out if I'm better served by focusing my energies on looking for that needle in a haystack, or just trying to rewrite my psyche to eliminate the diaper-loving aspect and no longer having it as a point of worry.

  2. #2

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    I wish you the best in your search for an accepting mate. I am 50, and have been married for 22 years, and I kept my diaper wearing a secret for 14 or 15 years of that, only to find out that when I tried to be more open about it, I almost lost what I had worked so hard to get. She thought it was disgusting and didn't want anything to do with it, and threatened to leave me if I didn't stop it. It has been tough, and if I had known that there were people other than myself into this when I got married, I would have tried to find someone else to share it with. I've tried many times to quit, only to be disappointed every time.
    The only reason I'm still in diapers now is because I became disabled and now have to wear them, and so my wife now is more accepting, but now for a different reason.
    You have a distinct advantage over me when I was still looking for a mate, in that you have the internet. Use it to your advantage, look for a girl that doesn't mind a little kink in her sex life. You will definitely be happier.
    I wish you the best of luck in your search.

    P.S. You'll notice that I didn't try to talk you out of wearing, because I know it's a lost cause.

  3. #3

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    It is hard but the key is moderation. If you can keep the diaper/baby side of yourself so it does not dominate your life your chances of finding an accepting mate improve. It is a strange fetish but many people have odd kinks you may not find someone into diapers but you may find someone into you to the point that at the very least they will allow you to indulge by yourself and if you are lucky may even engage in it with you. They may not get the same kick out of it but if you find someone who truly cares about you they may participate on occasion because it makes you happy. The critical point is if you find suh a person if they have any kinks to reciprocate and to also have the "vanilla" sex as well. One of the big issues I have noticed people complaining about is their partner gets insecure because someone only wants to /can only have enjoyable sexual experiences when the diapers are involved and this makes them insecure. If you are able to achieve this balance it is possible to find a partner out there but it is difficult after even couples with no diaper issues break up too. Don't loose hope and best of luck

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cabal View Post
    Find a girl who will both accept me AND respect me at the same time.
    Cut out the rest of your mess and worries. Bottom line if you settle for less you get less. If your not happy with your self you'll never find happiness. You try ed to be gay for a little while that didn't work out. Cause your denying a part of your self.

    I lived with the wrong girl for well over 4 year's. Now I don't hate her but we both weren't happy. I forced my *B/DL out of my life. But in the end it only came back.

    You once you become happy with your self. Finding happiness with someone else become so much easier

  5. #5

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    I'm sorry to say I have no great advice for you. I feel very much the same way, though I have no desire to stop being an infantilist. It just seems hard enough for "normal" people to find a stable relationship, so it just seems like it's 10x harder for us. Being no good at all with social situations makes it so much worse for me. Even worse, I'm not a typical manly tough guy (though I pretend sometimes). I'd rather wear dresses and be cute. (though I rarely get to do so) Sometimes I even wish I was a girl instead (though I have no intention of ever having a sex change). I have no desire to cast this stuff out, but I hate feeling like I'll be alone forever. I don't really even have any friends. So before I continue whining and telling my entire life story, all I can say is do your best. What's sad is that it sometimes seems like it's not good enough to do your best (and sometimes, I wonder why I should try). You are not alone in feeling this way. I'm sorry if my words are discouraging.

  6. #6

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    "To exist in this vast universe for a speck of time is the great gift of life. Our tiny sliver of time is our gift of life. It is our only life. The universe will go on, indifferent to our brief existence, but while we are here we touch not just part of that vastness, but also the lives around us. Life is the gift each of us has been given. Each life is our own and no one else's. It is precious beyond all counting. It is the greatest value we can have. Cherish it for what it truly is..... Your life is yours alone. Rise up and live it."
    — Terry Goodkind

    This is a quote from a book that I love reading, There are many open many others. But I hope it helps. I find it to be very moving. This is why I dont dwell on never finding anyone thats into AB/DL like my self. I'm very happy doing what I enjoy, If I meet someone along this path. An we are able to over come the things that make us who we are. Then I know that love will last forever anything less wouldn't be true love.

    I also like to remind my self that when meeting people right out. Telling them isn't the first thing I like to do. There are so mny other things that must be coved first. The likly hood to fail before I would even think to tell her I'm a AB/DL is very high. Also another reason I'm goign to enjoy it, while looking for that soul mate of mine.

  7. #7

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    hmm, perhaps a 'late nite bar' (in the club/chat section) would be in order for those adults concerned?
    or maybe it would be just as boring as a RL bar?

    i can't help. i can't even help myself on this subject. i've pretty much just accepted that i'll always be alone.

  8. #8

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    Thanks for the responses everyone!

    Ricky - You're a strong man to have worked through all of that and not just run away. I respect you for remaining steadfast to your vows. There isn't a whole lot of that going on these days. I do plan on using the Internet to my advantage, although I'm very wary of any long-distance relationships.

    goodnitesgirl - I'm pretty sure I can manage moderation. Fortunately, diapers aren't the only way for me to get sexual stimulation. I am also very interested in the "vanilla" sex side of things. I just can't help but feel the odds are stacked against. That and it seems like every awesome girl I meet is either already taken or a lesbian. :P

    Siege - I agree with you; if I don't accept myself I won't find happiness. I just question the degree to which these desires are beyond my control. I believe in the possibility of being able to remove these desires, but to do it would take a lot of effort and has a risk of doing damage to my psyche if I'm not really really careful.

    Shippo - no worries, your words aren't discouraging. All I can say is it's always worth it to do your best; no matter what happens, you'll only get the best possible results by putting forth your best effort.

    ade - actually, I've considered trying to find a RL fetish club or something to check out. The only thing is, as much as I want a girl who will accept this part of me, I don't want it to be the foundation of the relationship.

  9. #9

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    First off, I'd forget the idea of losing the fetish.
    To do so would be very difficult, and would be killing apart of yourself. I can't see anybody being happy while repressing a fetish.

    The way I see it there are these options:

    1) Find a normal girlfriend, come out to her when the relationship gets serious, and hope she's cool with it.

    2) Find somebody already into the fetish, or a similar fetish, and start a relationship based on that and hope it works out.

    3) Live alone (bar a few cats).

    To this question:
    "Am I inaccurate in my assessment that the majority of mundane girls would most likely find this hobby creepy at best, and disgusting at worst?"

    I'd say yes, that assessment is inaccurate!
    Or at least: to me, it's inaccurate. I have no idea what your town is like, but it might be the case that most girls there would react badly to this.

    You may just need experience in coming out to people. You could have a conversation about fetishes with a few people and gauge people's reactions. If most girls react negatively, then oh dear! If the consensus is 'whatever people do behind closed doors is fine with me' then yay!

    If you find that everybody around you hates fetishes, then that makes things difficult...

    Either way, I think you should face your fear!
    Get into a relationship, and 'come out' when it feels right. Only come out to a person who you can trust to keep her mouth shut, in case she finds it too much.

    As for meeting others with the fetish, I don't see much point. I guess it's different if you're gay, but if you're straight you'll have serious trouble. Plus it's hardly a great basis for a relationship.
    I definitely think it's best to meet a normal person who can be persuaded.

  10. #10

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    I'll quote throughout.



    Quote Originally Posted by Cabal View Post
    I don't want to lose friends or opportunities because someone finds out I like wearing diapers. While it's obviously not SUPER rare, it is still not a very common thing.
    I'm not sure what opportunities you would miss out on (work? nailing that hot blonde?), but I can tell you that you're better off without any "friend" who would bail on you for being weird in a non-threatening and private way.



    But even more than friends and opportunities, I'm afraid that I'll never find a girl who will both accept me AND respect me at the same time. I'm afraid that the diapers will be seen as a sign of weakness despite my ability to function (and function well) in the mundane world.
    This is possibly a valid fear. Then again, it is also a valid fear that I will prove too unapproachable for a girl. If you reinforce this fear by not trying to find a girl--first and foremost, worry about the rest later--then you'll fail by default and complete the self-fulfilling prophecy.

    1. Find a girl. Go on a few dates.
    2. Whenever you think it is starting to look serious--and ABSOLUTELY before you meet her parents or get engaged--tell her about your diaper-loving state. If she bails, start over at step 1. If not, proceed:
    3. Wear a diaper to bed with boxers/sleep pants over it. Ask your girlfriend if this is okay beforehand.
    4. Wear to bed without boxers/sleep pants.
    5. Happy Ending.



    I think the diapers are a big part of why I've never really pursued a relationship with a girl. In fact, my fear of rejection led me to try to be gay. It was only a few years ago that I finally realized that I would always desire a relationship with a girl, and it's only been recently that I've stopped trying to deny it (primarily because I was in a relationship with another guy, who is also into diapers, and who I still live with.)
    Gay men will react the same way as straight women. It's not something that has a social script; therefore, the reaction will really depend on what kind of a human being the other person is, and what kind of a relationship the two of you have. I'm sad to see that you've tried to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy, but glad to see that you're pulling out of it.



    However, it seems that a surprising number of the members here have been able to find relationships with people of the opposite sex who are pretty open to this kind of stuff.
    There is a significant reporting bias. Look, if you went to this site, you'd think the behaviors here are perfectly normal. Out in society, though, they are uncommon and statistically abnormal.



    I would like to believe that the same possibility is open to me, but I have no idea about where or how to meet someone who would both be accepting (and even better, participatory) of diapers while having a healthy emotional and romantic relationship as well (meaning that diapers would not be the basis of the relationship, just a very nice addition to it). Am I inaccurate in my assessment that the majority of mundane girls would most likely find this hobby creepy at best, and disgusting at worst?
    Step 1: Find someone nice and worthwhile.
    Step 2: Worry about this part of it.



    As for meeting someone through the community at large, that doesn't seem a very promising aspect either. For one, it's very likely that anyone I made a connection with would not live in my area, and long-distance relationships are hard (I know from experience.) Secondly, and even more importantly, there's generally a fairly large gender disparity in any *B/DL community. This, coupled with the unsavory actions of a few bad apples, have made it to where I'm afraid of even showing interest in a female member for fear of being seen as just another shallow horny guy just looking for a thrill.
    Don't do a long-distance relationship. Again, don't worry about the AB/DL side of it first; that's putting the cart before the horse. Just worry about finding a nice, sane girl who is not a gold-digger--and when you find her, clone her and send the clone to me--and go from there.

    Hopefully this helps.

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