Haunted Memories

I'm still haunted by the memories I had during my teen years living at home with my abdl tendencies. I was 12 when I finally discovered who I was. It was the worst year of my life, but that's a different story. I decided that there was no way I was going to shove these tendencies aside until I moved out of my parents house. That was too many years I had to wait... Anyway, I got found out by my family multiple times!!! And It's still unclear about what they do know and don't know today. My first time being found out was by my mom. It was crazy how it happened. I was taking a nap on my bed and I woke up and I was still half asleep and I had a deep desire for wanting to put on a diaper. My dad recently had gotten back surgery at the time and was temporary incontinent. In my half asleep stupor, I walk into my parents room and just grab a diaper. Just like that. IN FRONT OF MY MOM. In my half asleep manner, I didn't even know she was standing there right in front of me. I was so embarrassed and didn't know what to do, So I ran back in my room which was kind of pointless because I didn't have a door to my room. My mom was yelling at me and questioning me and I just wish it could have stopped. Then, she blamed it on my period and that was it. We never spoke about it again or acted like it happened.
Couple years later I had a brilliant idea of hiding my diapers underneath my dresser. My older brother was in my room one day and was laying down in my floor and saw the diapers!! I pretended like I had no idea where the stack of diapers came from. He kept questioning what was under my dresser and I act dumb and help him pull out the white thing he was seeing. He saw that it was a diaper and was like "awwwww do you have accidents?" I told him I had no idea where it came from and I was forced to bring it to my mom and pretend to question where it came from and my mom said "Oh the cat must have drug it in your room from your little brother's room." And then she just threw it away. And theeeeen my brother kept poking around trying to see if there was more, but I acted super weird and shoved him out of my room and basically never let him back in.
Another time I was sucking on a pacifier in my room and my mom walked in with laundry and I quickly spit it out and she hesitated like she saw something, but never questioned it and left the room....
There are just so many terrifying incidents. I admitted to my older sister once about being an abdl. She didn't quite believe this world I was telling her about and her husband was with her and he acted completely cool. He was like, "Oh yeah, understandable. Have a friend like that. Quite normal." And then me and my sister never talked about it again... at this time when I was younger I was trying so hard to seek acceptance, but it felt like I never got any. I tried to admit to my cousin about who I was. She was a really close cousin that I thought I could admit anything to. And she acted cool by text, but then she told I would grow out of it and It's just a phase. She told me it would be our secret, but we never discussed it again and then we never really hung out again. She used to take me to her house all the time my entire life growing up and even though she is much older than me, she acted like a kid and always played with me and did everything with me, but ever since I admitted that to her years ago, she stopped hanging out with me. And then there was a time my dad got my at me and threatened me for being "weird" and that my sister told him how weird I am. But he never fully said the words.
I just feel like I have constantly been rejected by family when I was a teen and I really didn't mean for any of it to happen and all those memories still haunt me and I don't really know how to get rid of them. I never had a loving stable household where I couldn't bond with family and tell them things about how I feel or even love and touch each other. Never had thst, so It's not like we could ever talk any of this out. But I really don't know how to get rid of these memories of being found out or stupidly telling someone. So much rejection and darkness of my past. I am happy with how I am now, but the memories are still so haunting to this day.

I misread the title as "Haunted Mansions" originally and was kind of upset when I realized the post wasn't about ghosts wearing diapers.

Anywho, I'm sure everyone has memories of things that should never have happened.

I had to think if I had any, and came with a few really stupid things that were completely my fault. They never should've happened.

I honestly feel like its all one big mind game that we play with ourselves. Do other people really remember those things? I really hope they don't.

I understand. We want to be open and honest, but in some cases honesty comes with a high price. It's tough to set aside the why did I do that feeling. I still do it today. We have to try to move on and do better in the future. At least in this room, you can open up. Welcome to the group.

Sweetie get on with your life. If you haven't moved out yet, what are you waiting for ? I am a diaper lover. One thing about me is that I didn't want my parents to know nor did I have or want the urge to tell them. What they don't know, won't hurt them. I moved after high school and finished college, and i wore diapers all through college and still never had the urge to tell anyone. Now that I am widowed I enjoy my diaper time even more to myself. Enjoy life and live it up. Enjoy your time alone. I know I love it.

Oh my god!!! You made mistakes in the past??!!! How could you? The rest of us never made mistakes! smile1

On a slightly more serious note: Sometimes before I fall asleep at night I'll think of something stupid I said or did when I was younger, and I become haunted by a twinge of regret. Oftentimes, before I can dismiss that thought, another memory of my stupidity will pop into my head, then another and another until my whole life appears to have been nothing but an endless string of stupid things I did and said. Suddenly I feel as if I am burdened by the likes of Jacob Marley's chain, and that twinge of regret darkens into depression.

One thing that's important to realize is that none of those things you mention were a sign of stupidity on your part. Imagine if your parents and relatives all embraced that aspect of your personality when you told them. The exact same words you used to tell them, the ones you now think were stupid, would suddenly seem ok, or even smart. It wasn't stupid. It was simply a matter of trial and error; the same method we all use to navigate life. The results are an indication of how lucky or unlucky you were in that situation, not whether you were right or wrong in what you said or did.

Another important thing is to realize that regret and shame over events in the past needlessly causes pain in the present. The lingering effects of these events can cause problems in the present, but try not to compound the pain by dwelling on regret or shame.

I know, I know: advice is easier to give than to take. The reason I can relate to your problem is because I'm not completely free of this problem myself. But I'm working on it.