My boyfriend is into ABDL and I need advice

Status
Not open for further replies.

Lovelylittlelove

Contributor
Messages
10
Role
  1. Other
So I have been on here for a while and just have not posted much. I am the significant other to a DL, but who has started exploring the AB side. When he first came out to me a couple of years ago, it took me a while to adjust- like it would with anyone. I was fine with the DL after a while and just wanted it to be that. I felt that the AB side would get in the way of our sex life and would make me feel uncomfortable. I point blank set boundaries. I felt that I gave him the freedom to do whatever he wanted when it came to diapers, as long as he respected my boundaries. So far, he has pretty much crossed every line possible. He keeps pushing me into more and I feel like I am detached now. I don't feel connected with him anymore. What put me through the line was watching him on his tumblr page. He took a video of himself doing a #2 in his diaper. That has been the biggest line for me and I said that to start off with. I said that I would be grossed out and that I would not want to be part of anything with him anymore. I told him that point blank also. I feel like the last couple weeks, our relationship is pretty shitty and we have nothing in common because most of his thoughts are not what they were. He is exploring more and becoming more into it. I can't even talk to him about it because I say one thing and he threatens that he isn't good enough for me and that I hate him and everything else you could think of. I know he is insecure and he just wants to feel comfortable.. but I also told him my boundaries and just feel like we aren't even dating anymore because of it. My heart sunk when I saw the video and I can't even bring it up because I get my head bit off... So I just don't say anything and I remain unhappy.

I feel like I have given so much. I have been changing him. I feel him or "check him" I am okay with him sleeping in onesies and having baby things.. but the video put me over the edge.

I don't know what to do anymore and I have nobody to turn to because it's a secret. So please. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I have been so accepting and understanding... But now I just feel like my thoughts don't matter.
 
  • Sad
  • Wow
Reactions: Angelapinks and AComputerGuy
Lovelylittlelove said:
I have been changing him. I feel him or "check him" I am okay with him sleeping in onesies and having baby things..
And he isn't treating you like gold???

I've never been in a relationship as to give advise to you. And I don't know enough on both sides of whats going on; besides what you posted. So I can't really help much.
But I can definitely see how a video online would be upsetting, as I find those videos/images highly distasteful cringe fuel even myself as someone who uses my diaper same way a toddler would...
I still think both of you will need to talk things over more, but I don't know the best way to go about that. I can't see how things can get better without communication from both sides tho.

Hopefully one of the caretakers or married abdl on here can help with advise.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Angelapinks
First off, based on your post, I don't think you've crossed any lines at all and I certainly don't think you are wrong for being upset. I think for many of us AB/DLs who have been in relationships, there are always boundaries that are set.

For instance, my first girlfriend knew about this side of myself, but didn't want to participate, she preferred for me to regress and diaper up on my own time, I was fine with that. My 2nd GF who took on a Mommy role towards the end of our relationship was fine with just about everything except messy diapers, so I never messed when I was around her, period! I had a Mommy friend a while back, she was fine with everything, except for breastfeeding, that was something she just wasn't interested in, that was her only boundary and I respected it. My current GF/Mommy, who is still long distance hasn't set any boundaries, she says that she is fine with everything and is open to me doing whatever makes me comfortable. While I'm on cloud nine at this fact, I am expecting her to set some boundaries when we have Baby and Mommy time in person and if she sets them, whatever they may be, I'll respect them.

I guess what I am trying to demonstrate, based on experience, is that whether a relationship features AB/DL or not, all relationships are built on compromise.

From the sounds of things, you felt as though you had reached a compromise with your AB/DL boyfriend. It also sounds like you even went so far as to participate on some level, there are a lot of people who would love to have someone as understanding as you, your boyfriend should be going out of his way to acknowledge your thoughts on the matter and he should also be showing you his appreciation because not everyone has someone who understands. If he's crossing lines and guilting you when you confront him then there is definitely something wrong and it's most certainly not on you. Like any normal, reasonable person, you let your boyfriend know that there were some aspects of AB and DL that you didn't want to be a part of and he disregarded your wishes/limits and that simply isn't cool on his part. So, all of that anger, confusion and detachment you are feeling is understandable; you thought you had a good thing going, you thought you made yourself clear and your boyfriend just went back on that.

Now, there are few ways you can go about proceeding further:

If you still want this relationship to work out, try sitting down with your boyfriend and having a heart to heart. Let him know that you feel as though you've been taken advantage of, let him know that he's crossed the boundaries you set, ask him why he has done this, talk things out, see if you two can reach a middle ground and redefine the nature your compromise.

If there are certain aspects of AB that he doesn't want to budge on, I would maybe suggest that you allow him to explore them on his own time without you being involved. If, however, you want to be involved as a Mommy or caregiver on some level, then make it very clear that certain behaviour won't be tolerated.

Lastly, if you feel as though you have done all of the above and you fear he is still going to disregard your wishes and fail to compromise or meet you half way, then you'll really have to do some soul searching and consider whether or not to call it quits. It's either compromise for mutual benefit or you both go your separate ways and hope for the best.

Ultimately, the decision is yours.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide and know that your feelings are valid :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: LePew and Deleted member 57387
Lovelylittlelove said:
I don't know what to do anymore and I have nobody to turn to because it's a secret. So please. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I have been so accepting and understanding... But now I just feel like my thoughts don't matter.

You are absolutely not wrong for feeling any way. It seems to me like you have been very accommodating and loving to your partner, while setting some clearly defined and seemingly to me perfectly reasonable boundaries. As far as I'm concerned no one should remain unhappy in a relationship. If you set your boundaries, you need to enforce them or they are meaningless. Do not let anyone take advantage of you. Especially if you love them, you need to demand that they respect you.

Not with anything little related, but my wife and I got to a point where we just didn't respect each other's boundaries or even each other as people. It was misery. We gave each other the ultimatum that we change our behavior towards each other or we call it quits. And we put a 3 month time limit on it. We both started working on ourselves and through that we became much closer and stronger as a couple. It's been almost a year now since that and we are the best we've ever been in the 14 years since we started dating.

Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. So does your partners. You both have to decide what you really want out of life and work towards that. If it is not with each other, then you will have to accept that and move on.

Don't live in misery. You don't deserve that. Do what you need to do. It's ok.
 
Dear Lovelylittlelove,

First, let me say that I'm sorry a paragraph turned into a book.

I know exactly how you feel, and that's not because I've been where you are, it's because I did this to one of my friends and it caused major damage in our friendship. To this date, our conversations are very off-kilter regardless of the topic, and she doesn't even acknowledge me as her friend because of the way I treated her. Essentially, what he's doing is a balls-out attempt to suit his needs, with ultimately no regard for your feelings. He may even feel that what he's doing is right or justified in his mind, even though it truly isn't. If he has any insight (which I wound up getting the hard way), he'll learn that you're not truly comfortable with that.

As for what he's doing by saying "he isn't good enough for me and that I hate him and everything else you could think of" is not insecurity, it's narcissism and manipulation. I live with that every day, too. Examples from my own life include "disrespecting my mother" by choosing to hang out with a friend instead of her and "betraying my mother" by hiring a lawyer after she falsely accused me of something. Sound familiar? The difference between self-hatred, insecurity, and self-victimization is very clear. Self-hatred is when a person truly hates themselves and truly does feel unworthy of love, regardless of how someone feels about them. Insecurity is just that: you're not secure about your positive opinion of yourself or your confidence, and you want that security restored, even if it's only temporary. When an insecure person tells you "I am (something negative)", that's a veiled way of begging you to correct them, and when they tell you "I am not (something positive)", that's also a veiled way of begging you to correct them. It's very easy to confuse self-hatred and insecurity, so if you think your reaffirmations are not helping, it's best to stop before you reinforce the person in the wrong direction. Those two are serious problems, and they are very delicate things to handle for both people who have them and people around them. As someone who hates myself, a positive reaffirmation would probably garner a "thank you" on the outside and a complete denial of the reaffirmation on the inside. I have no idea exactly how insecurity feels, except as someone who sees it in others. Being that the insecure people I meet seem to describe themselves the same way I describe myself (as self-hating instead of insecure), I wonder if the difference is merely perspective, and that's something I wish to uncover someday.

Like I said, self-hatred and insecurity are true negative feelings a person has about themselves, which manifests into negative thoughts, negative emotions, negative words, and negative actions. Self-victimization is neither of those two, although it sure sounds like one. A narcissist never thinks negatively of themselves, and some even see themselves on the level of God. My personal term is an "infallibility complex", essentially the inability to make a mistake or do anything wrong, the ability to be perfect (unless someone interferes), and the ability to always be right. For those who believe in a higher power (God, Allah, etc.), infallibility is reserved for those higher powers and nobody else. There is such a thing as a messiah complex, which entails of a person believing that they are the messiah, which is a completely different situation. An infallibility complex is one step below a messiah complex, since the former only entails the belief that they are incapable of wrongdoing in any form, and any belief that they can do wrong is publicly pronounced as a wrongdoing on the skeptic's part (despite the fact that the skeptic is right).

Ultimately, self-victimization's not a reflection of their view of themselves. Narcissists view themselves as perfect, which means that they are incapable of being the victim of anything. However, just because they truly believe they can't be victimized, that doesn't mean they want everyone else to think that. If everyone else joins in on the belief that the narcissist is being victimized by someone, the narcissist then receives vindication, which is a highly coveted prize on any narcissist's shelf. Also, if the narcissist is officially labeled the victim (though the label is factually incorrect and completely inverted, a narcissist will use that label whenever they can to achieve the same results), then the true victim is officially labeled as the bad guy, which just tightens the narcissist's hold on the situation. The old phrase "if you want to judge a horse, look at his track record" applies perfectly here. When a narcissist has been officially declared the victim in the past and their victim has officially been declared the bad guy in the past, people usually will assume the same is true in the future, tightening the hold even further. From there, it's just an endless cycle, until the day the true victim decides to end it. The narcissist will never end the cycle, because they enjoy the results. When they say they're breaking up, the expected response is "please don't go, I love you, I need you, etc." Again, vindication. They're vindicated in their belief that you'll give in. When they don't get that vindication...whoa, nelly...

That being said, self-victimization's not a reflection of anything except a desire to manipulate the feelings, thoughts, and actions of others. Remember the "If...then..." statements you learned in school? The "If...then..." statement of self-victimization is "If I accuse (person) of (saying/doing/feeling/thinking something negative), then they're the bad guy and I'm the victim. If I do that, then they're wrong and I'm right. And if I'm right and they're wrong, then I'm justified in my desires and my feelings and they're not, and then they should sideline their own feelings and cater to mine." Read the word "self-victimization". "Victimize" is right there. It sounds like it would fit right alongside suicide and self-harm, as well as self-hatred and insecurity, and that's exactly where a narcissist wants it. Per Wikipedia, "Victim playing (also known as playing the victim, victim card or self-victimization) is the fabrication of victimhood for a variety of reasons such as to justify abuse of others, to manipulate others, a coping strategy or attention seeking." "Self-victimization" is the nice way to put it. "Playing the victim" is what it truly is. As a person who lived 19 years with multiple narcissists in my family, I have zero doubt that this is what's going on here.

Read your own post, you described it perfectly. "I set boundaries..so far, he has pretty much crossed every line possible." It's called the foot-in-the-door technique, where a person brings forth a small request, with the short-term intentions of bringing a slightly larger request forwards, and a long-term request of his true desires in the back of his mind. In short, you told him not to do A, then he did A. Don't do B, he did B. Don't do C, he did C, and so on. "I can't even talk to him about it because I say one thing and he threatens that he isn't good enough for me and that I hate him and everything else you could think of." He has you hook, line and sinker. "I say one thing..." "He threatens that he isn't good enough for me..." "I hate him..." He made himself the victim and he made you the aggressor. And don't even try to say that he hasn't dug his claws in, because you would've put "Whenever I say something, he says that he isn't good enough for me and he says that I hate him," or a sentence similar to that. What he did is not his way of saying "(Your name), you hate me and I'm not good enough for you," that's his way of saying "(Your name), how dare you refuse what I say, now you'll pay with your emotions." You're probably thinking of typing that he didn't hurt your feelings, and that you're okay in the grand scheme of things (since I'm sure you've contemplated leaving by now). Let me tell you that if you didn't have your feelings affected by him at all, you would have never posted this here or anywhere, since him saying that and not truly affecting you would've ended with him getting the boot.

Also, out of your whole post, there's one word that stood out to me more than anything else: "but." "But" is the narcissist's magic word like "please" is everyone else's. Here's some of your sentences, with the word "but" underlined: "I know he is insecure and he just wants to feel comfortable.. but I also told him my boundaries and just feel like we aren't even dating anymore because of it." "I feel like I have given so much. I have been changing him. I feel him or "check him" I am okay with him sleeping in onesies and having baby things.. but the video put me over the edge." Dr. Phil's definition of "but" is "forget what I just said, now I'm going to tell you how I really feel". And my teacher (who's like my father) has said on many occasions that the only purpose of "but" is to negate everything that came before it. Go on Wiktionary.com and type "but" in, and you can easily sub in any word on that page and get the same result. Read these two sentences: "I know that's how you feel, but here's how I feel. And I know this is what you want, but this is what I want." What do you notice? The generic "but" sentence is "X, but Y." That doesn't mean "I have something to add," that means "Now that I said what you want me to say, let's move on to the part where you vindicate me and do it my way."

Now, read the sentences again, and see how it works: "I know that's how you feel, but here's how I feel. And I know this is what you want, but this is what I want." Your given what you think is vindication at the beginning so that the narcissist can move on to catering their own feelings, which are the only feelings they usually care about. It's the same way parents tell children Santa Claus is real to make them behave, just so they can tackle their own problems with their children's behavior. I'm not going to skewer parents and Santa Claus here, since that was only an explanation. At least something mutually good comes out of Santa Claus, at least it should. As for the breakdown in the narcissist/non-narcissist relationship, you get your pretty little token that the narcissist tells you is vindication, and you can sit there happily thinking your problem is solved, then they can play the "but" card and tackle the only concern they care about: theirs. In short, that's his way of saying "Screw you and screw your feelings." And, in one more use of that special word, "I heard everything you said, I know how you feel, I know what you want, I know what you need, I know what your desires are, and I know the opposites of all of those things, BUT I DON'T CARE."

If you're willing to give him a chance, talk to him about how you feel, and give him an ultimatum. He either stops doing whatever you don't want him to do (you'll have to write the list, since he's your boyfriend), or that's the end of the relationship. If that gets nowhere, your best bet is to drop him. Whether he has good intentions or not, if he refuses to take your feelings into account either directly or indirectly, you need to find someone else. Whether he chooses to end the relationship by proxy that day (by choosing to continue his actions or negotiate something that's non-negotiable) or whether he indirectly chooses it over time (by going against the grain), you need to put your foot down that time, since that moment has yet to come. I'm not knocking your way of handling the situation, since I met you mere minutes ago when I started writing this, and I know very well what you're going through. When you realize that he isn't respecting you or your wishes (since disrespecting your wishes is disrespecting you), end it and never look back.

Even though some imbalanced relationships can recover to some degree, (many if not most) can't. The relationship I mentioned between me and my friend is somewhat good, though it's a pale image of what it was before I hurt her. She has given me a multitude of chances not to hurt her, and I hurt her again and again, and it finally took me pulling my head out of my ass to realize that I was about to lose an amazing person that I could never replace in a million years. I don't know why she gave me another chance after me pissing away so many opportunities to treat her nicely, and I'm determined to make this chance count. Don't take what I'm saying and get your violin out, since that's not the goal. If you looked at me and my friend side by side, you'd see a girl and a donkey sitting there, and it wouldn't take long to figure out who was who. The reason I said all that is because that's what you need to look for in this guy. Don't look for the words, because you'll receive them in spades. Look for actions and emotions instead, since actions speak louder than words. I'll look at the glass half-full and begin this next statement with "if": If he takes advantage of this chance again, end it. Don't go glass-half-empty and say "when", since that won't end well for either of you. Give him a fair and honest chance, put the ball in his court, and then you'll know for sure whether "I love you" means "I love you" or "I love your presence". If he gets caught making an ass of himself by breaking his promise, leave, because if you don't, he's also made an ass of you.

I don't know you personally, so don't take it personally when I say I don't know exactly how you are as a friend or as a girlfriend, and it would be grossly and extremely inappropriate for me to rate you in either department. However, you clearly have a lot of love to give, since you wouldn't have stayed with this guy for so long if he put you through all of this. If he is willing to consider your feelings, give him this one chance, let him know that he has one chance to do it right, and stick with it. In the case that he took advantage of that chance, never call it a waste and don't let it be in vain. No matter how many "I love yous", "come backs", "I'll changes", or any other kiss-ass statements you get, when you put your foot down, keep it down, since taking him back is a nonverbal way of saying "Well, (his name), go ahead, do it again." There can't be two second chances, two one last chances, two last opportunities, nothing like that. The nonexistence of two of any of those things is so evident that I'm surprised my English teacher isn't knocking on my door right now to see if I've lost it. Essentially, think of it this way: there's no such thing as two days after Christmas. There's the day after, and the day after that, but the same day doesn't come twice. It hasn't in the 15 billion years the universe existed, and it won't ever come. If the same definitive event can't occur anytime again in the universe's history, don't let it happen here. Sit him down, talk to him, tell him where you stand, have the police dialed on your phone or have a loved one listening on speaker with their phone muted in case he doesn't respond well (believe me, that's a must-do for any narcissist/non-narcissist conversation). Then, judging by his response, either end it or give him the final chance. Not a final chance, THE final chance. Then, if he decides to walk, let him. If you don't stand strong and you beg him to come back and work on it, he has permission to continue doing exactly what started this post in the first place, says you. Then, if he decides to take advantage of your love for him, cut it off. Just like if a friend takes advantage, or a co-worker, or a neighbor, or anyone else, when someone takes advantage of X, cut them off from X. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and know that I'll be more than willing to help you out if you need to.

-Starlight :hugs:
 
He does treat me like gold in every other way. That’s why it’s so hard to come to terms with being unhappy with him about this.. He supports me, but I feel like our connection isn’t what it was because of this incident and he doesn’t do anything serious. He is always sarcastic and joking around. And if I say something about it, he says that I think he is immature because he is almost 3 years younger than me. But we are in our mid twenties. Its not a big deal.

- - - Updated - - -

LilByte said:
And he isn't treating you like gold???

I've never been in a relationship as to give advise to you. And I don't know enough on both sides of whats going on; besides what you posted. So I can't really help much.
But I can definitely see how a video online would be upsetting, as I find those videos/images highly distasteful cringe fuel even myself as someone who uses my diaper same way a toddler would...
I still think both of you will need to talk things over more, but I don't know the best way to go about that. I can't see how things can get better without communication from both sides tho.

Hopefully one of the caretakers or married abdl on here can help with advise.

He does treat me like gold in every other way. That’s why it’s so hard to come to terms with being unhappy with him about this.. He supports me, but I feel like our connection isn’t what it was because of this incident and he doesn’t do anything serious. He is always sarcastic and joking around. And if I say something about it, he says that I think he is immature because he is almost 3 years younger than me. But we are in our mid twenties. Its not a big deaL.
 
Lovelylittlelove said:
He does treat me like gold in every other way. That’s why it’s so hard to come to terms with being unhappy with him about this.. He supports me, but I feel like our connection isn’t what it was because of this incident and he doesn’t do anything serious. He is always sarcastic and joking around. And if I say something about it, he says that I think he is immature because he is almost 3 years younger than me. But we are in our mid twenties. Its not a big deal.

- - - Updated - - -



He does treat me like gold in every other way. That’s why it’s so hard to come to terms with being unhappy with him about this.. He supports me, but I feel like our connection isn’t what it was because of this incident and he doesn’t do anything serious. He is always sarcastic and joking around. And if I say something about it, he says that I think he is immature because he is almost 3 years younger than me. But we are in our mid twenties. Its not a big deaL.
Ok I've been married and have been with my wife for over 35 years now. Relationships are built on love, trust, and complete honesty. First and foremost you both need to be completely honest with each other. You two need to sit down, have a heart to heart talk about his abdl desires. You may not want to hear this but your BF was always an adult baby he just never acted on his feelings at first. He used diapers as the comfort factor in his life. You must know that this will never go away ever. It is who he is, and it will always be a part if him. Knowing this ask yourself....Do I want this guy who incidentally happens to be an adult baby in my life? Do I want to care for him like a baby and change his diapers when he regresses for the rest if my life? The cold truth about Infantilism is this syndrome is deep seated in ones own system. The way your boyfriend processes his emotions for comfort is with you being there for him. As a little myself we tend to regress to self medicate. That regression reaches many different levels in individuals so no two are the same in the way they act for the comfort level they desire. I hope this is making sense.

When I met my wife to be we were both just 18. After about 6 months of dating I knew that there was something very special early into our relationship and it was our great communication that made me feel comfortable enough to tell her about this side of me. I will admit I was worried that she may not understand but she was well aware of my rough childhood and she embraced
this side of me with open arms the night I told her. Like you, her only limit was messy diapers as she had difficulty changing her nieces and nephews messy diapers when she babysat them. I was always very respectful of that limit and never asked her to partake in trying to change a dirty diaper. Funny thing is that several years later into our relationship Mommy started to change as a person. We never had children due to her having health issues and I think her nurturing side became more dominant. She turned a spare bedroom into an absolute gorgeous nursery and began laying a list of new ground rules when her baby boy was in her care. One of her new rules were that her little one was never allowed to use the big boy potty ever when Mommy had me in diapers. Scratching my head I eagerly said to her, but what about if I need to go #2 ? She replied hunny bunny you must use your diapers like real babies do and again stressed that I was not allowed to take off my diaper even out in public to use the potty. What she had struggled with years earlier was now no big deal to her and she has changed many messy diapers along the way now. I've always tried to go the extra mile to do special things for her to let her know how much I love her and never took her for granted.

If you decide to stick this out with him I definitely would suggest maybe you both talking to a third party for professional help dealing with each other feelings on this matter. He may then see that his selfishness towards your feelings and limits need to be first and foremost in the relationship in order for it to thrive and become healthy again. There is absolutely nothing unhealthy about his abdl desires until he starts placing demands that your just not willing to be involved in. Sounds to me that your an amazing person who is open minded and he should know that very few females are willing to even entertain the abdl lifestyle. I truly hope things work out for you no matter what the outcome is.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Angelapinks
Coming from a person who has been with many non accepting girlfriends I can’t express how reasonable you are being. Atleast you were willing to engage and allow you SO to indulge in his diapers while in your presence. Each of my ex’s didn’t even want to discuss boundaries or ground rules. They just assumed it was something that would disappear when we got married and could have sex. I would have given anything to have an accepting GF. Especially one willing to change me or even let me be padded in their presence. If messing was a fine line then that is a line that shouldn’t have been crossed. He knew how uncomfortable it made you and he shouldn’t have done it. I think your feelings are well grounded and it sounds like he is wanting more and more without giving anything in return. As much as many of us would like our fantasies to come true whether it be DL or AB that’s not how life works. Each relationship is give and take and he needs to realize that, especially in the face of the fact you have accepted and actively engaged in a rather taboo fetish. In sorry to hear of yalls troubles I wish y’all the best.
 
I mean, I've never fully been in a relationship so I can't say for certain, but honestly, if I had a GF or BF who acted like you did OP, I would try not to push your limits, you're already doing more than you could be doing for him, if he wants to push it. . . that's a problem he has that he needs to work out. Now that said, from your post, I also gather that what he did was not with you involved and you happened upon it on his Tumblr? If that's true you should respect that he at least didn't involve you in it, however if he intentionally did this to involve you then yeah you have every right to be upset.

Honestly though, the way you've described the way he reacts to you trying to talk to him about this, it sounds like he's trying to guilt you into doing more. (Or even just so you stay with him) I'm in no place to give advice, but if it was me, I'd put my foot down and draw a firm line and say "This is my limit." If he keeps pushing then he's in the wrong. No one should be subjected to doing more than their limit. You should not have to feel uncomfortable or that your relationship is hurting over things like this.
 
Hey!
As a mummy for my little guy, I can get where your feeling from and that it may be uncomfortable for you - I mean it was for me when I had initially started, it didn’t feel right however after weeks passed I started to enjoy it and here I am now.

As for what your doing, checking him, allowing him to be in his little moods is a lot to ask for, so what your doing in general is amazing to hear and your doing more then many would.
As for your boundaries, these are your personal boundaries and I guess the best way to tell him that is by enforcing it. Bring him into a 1 on 1 conversation, because these boundaries do need to be respected in every and any way possible

Your not in the wrong, if anything, your lil diaper guy is.
 
Sounds like you're being very understanding and supportive and he's not necessarily appreciating or respecting that.

I'd ask a bit more about the video thing though - is the stuff he posts primarily for you, or is it an outlet for him to the world that you check in on? I guess what I'm getting at is he might be thinking that the video is just "out there" for others, it's him doing what he wants to do and he might think you wouldn't watch it as you don't want to see that. Obviously he's wrong for various reasons, I'm just wondering if the status of his "extra curricular" activities hasn't been clearly defined/discussed and therefore it's more of a communication problem than him deliberately being an ass.

I also wonder (again, not much to go on) if he's been emboldened by you allowing him to indulge his fantasy, and a lot of pent-up enthusiasm is coming out that will die down a bit once he's got it out of his system. Also perhaps and he's thinking that pushing more and more will gradually bring you with him? Again, he could well be wrong but people aren't always great at working out a sensible approach to stuff like this!

Whatever the answers, communication is key, and if he needs to knock it off for a while while you two talk it out he should respect that and behave himself. So many people here would be over the moon to have a partner even half as understanding as you, so he needs to recognise when he's got a good thing going and not push his luck.
 
You've done more than any reasonable person could ask of you. I think all any of us can reasonably ask for is to not be cast away just for being who we are. If this is too odd for anyone, all any of us should ask for is the ability to partake in this privately. Any participation from a partner is just a bonus.

I think, for people like us, being insecure about all this is pretty much the norm, but that's all the more reason he should be so grateful to you for what you are willing to do for him. It certainly isn't a reason to constantly deflect your concerns, boundaries, etc. To be honest, his constant defensive attitude sounds almost like manipulation, whether or not it's deliberate. It shuts down conversation and prevents any progress. He's either got to start listening to you, or nothing can be done.

You sound like you're willing to give in a relationship. It's on your partner not to take advantage of that, and to repay you in kind.
 
Hi

Sorry this has happened to you and your relationship.

I haven't read all the comments and this is just my thoughts.

Sorry if I am repeating somebody else but just wanted to reach out to you.

You did the right thing is setting your boundaries with your boyfriend exploring his Little side.

And it also sounds like he wants you to be his Big.

Who have set boundaries and like brat he has pushed those boundaries which is part of being a little but there is a fine line on that.

Throughing a temper tantrum when challenged on going over boundaries is ok to a point as being in that head space. I gess he wants to be told off as you would have a toddler.

This would in my experience but in further into little space.

However all this is not helping you it is helping him.

And this is where a safe words play an important part in the hole (DDLB) daddy dominant little boy. They not just for the Little.

I would suggest that you call for a reset off your relationship. It sounds like you got the point where you need to write him a letter explaining how you are feeling.

There are several points to writing a letter.

You can take your time really thinking about what you want to say to your boyfriend.

You will not get interrupted by your boyfriend while writing the letter.

And your boyfriend can take time in processing what you have said to him.

You really need to be ok with your relationship.

But all relationships are built on trust. Especially ours when you are willing to trust a Dom with everything.

If that trust is broken then the relationship needs to be reset with each other's boundaries being made clear and understood.

However when this is not possible I am sorry to say that sometimes the relationship has to come to an end. This may not be forever but you really do have to be comfortable with yourself and your surroundings.

I really hope this helps you.

Hugs

Siysiy
 
Lovelylittlelove said:
So please. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Absolutely not! It sucks being in love with someone who insists on engaging in behavior so disgusting it can't be tolerated. Despite our strange desires I think I can safely say most of us here would not put up with a partner's shitty diapers if that behavior was voluntary and crossed our boundaries. And for some of us that boundary would be close to - Never! Kudos for trying. We all have our limits and, through no fault of your own, your SO is clearly operating outside your limits. At some point rationalizing, compromising, or issuing ultimatums fail and difficult decisions must be made. I feel for you for being in such a confusing and painful situation.
 
Okay, I've rolled up my sleeves. Let me give this a shot. Who set the rules? Just you? Did he get the chance to negotiate and compromise at all?

Even parenting bio kids isn't, "I'm smart; you're stupid. I'm BIG; you're Little. I'm right; you're wrong. I'm the only one who gets to decide what's comfortable, and you just have to deal with it," anymore.

Experts now understand people follow rules they understand, and agree to, rules that make sense, so they can agree, better than rules that are, "because I said so! Shut up and take it," and it doesn't matter if those people are 2, 22, or 102.

I wonder, from how he behaved, if he was properly mirandized, in a sense, by you.

"You have the right to this. You have the right to that, etcetera, etcetera. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?"

Write up a contract, with soft and hard limits. It's a contract, so negotiate, where possible. Come up with safe words. Use them.

I'm not labeling him a narcissist. I'm not labeling you evil. I'm curious about why he behaved how he did. There is a reason. The fact that you're here means you're curious, too. That's good, because where there's curiosity, there's not a desire to manage, which usually means punish, the behavior.

I'm curious as to if he actually wants punishment. Don't ask me why, but some of us do. If he wants punishment. That goes in the contract.

What were the other boundaries he broke, as you said he's broken them all. Were you clear in your wording?

What I'm thinking is, he heard your boundary, and understood it to mean, "I can meet my need to mess, if she has nothing to do with it. I clean it up, she doesn't see, etcetera."

It sounds silly, but it is a need.

He maybe feeling like, "Well, I didn't know I couldn't meet my own needs without making you mad," just a guess.

The video thing, that's a doozy. Wow, I'm so sorry. Where to start? Again, I'm curious. Is it possible he made the video, never expecting you to see it?

But then why does he need everyone and their ABDL dog on the internet to see it. People younger than I, seem to want to post everything online. Why?

Again, it sounds silly, but, that's so intimate. Ask a Little. If you go in front of someone, and I mean make it obvious, that's huge! I ain't doing it in front of anyone I don't love. Now, pee's another matter. It can be done inconspicuously, and doesn't smell. If he's wearing, might as well, unless that's intimacy for you 2, too.

Messing, yeah, it's a big, trusting, intimate deal! The desire to do something that powerful in front of the entire internet, would really tick me off! Even if it wasn't for you to see, it was still stupid, even if it is a generational thing. Discuss why it was stupid, and how it worried you.

If he wanted you to see it, that's a clear violation of your boundaries, and they do matter. Just because I'm trying to understand him, doesn't mean I'm throwing you away. I feel bad for you both. I can see where you're both coming from. You need to ask him why he did the video, perhaps why he messes, so you can understand it, and if he actually wanted you to see it. Try to make sure he feels Little, to a degree, when you do. This will cause your motherese voice. Hug him.

It's kinda hard for him to go, "You hate me! I'm not good enough," or, just as importantly, bite your head off, when your arms, and voice, are actively loving him.


Try saying, "My arms are loving you. We need to talk about some stuff. Can you tell me how I feel, and why? Even my voice is loving you."

Clarify how you feel and why, if he doesn't know.

That inadequate feeling. . . Hurts. . . It hurts. It just feels terrible. Gets me in my chest, but not much anymore. I can trust someone now, which helps.

He's not biting your head off because he hates you. He's scared of that pain. The thing about that pain is, can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, gotta go through it. Hold him. It helps.

If he truly hurts, it'll help. If he's being a manipulative narcissist, it'll be harder to pull the, "You don't love me, and I'm not good enough," thing.

You saw that video, and you were hurt because he was involving others in fulfilling needs he, or you, if and when you're comfortable, should be. That's cheating, depending on your definition. That needs to be talked about, and dealt with. Not to mention it grossed you out. If you need clarification, or to be held and talked to gently, or to be allowed to cry, because it hurts, expect him to give you what you need!
 
Last edited:
Lovelylittlelove,
if your hard boundaries were set when you first met and knew he was a dl, then yes he has definitely crossed the line. The question is do you feel able to discuss new boundaries or do you feel he has gone too far. Relationships with litles are difficult. I've been a daddy to a little boy who initially assured me he just wanted a loving caring daddy however over the years he became more amdmore demanding both in what he wanted as a little and what he wanted sexualyl, eventually he dumped me as I wouldn't meet his sexual needs. I am now in a relationship with a real life mummy and couldn't be happier, but even that relationship has hard limits that if crossed would mean the end of the trust we have for one another.

If you feel you can give him another chance then find somewhere quiet and have a face to face, adult to adult talk about what you will and won't accept. Whilst chaging a dirty nappy doesn't worry me (I used to be a carer in a nursing home and in the community) having to use a nappy for a no 2 is a no-no. Let him kmowyour limits and more importantly what you expect from him. but don't forget to listen to his side about his wants and expectations. you may be able to work through this or sadly you may find you are both so far out of touch with each other that the only thing you can really do is end the relationship and go your different ways.
 
SpAzpieSweeTot said:
expect him to give you what you need!

Spot on all your response to LovelylittleLove
 
You haven't crossed any lines at all. He has.

He's dang lucky he has someone with an open mind who wasn't just willing to accept him but also participate and learn. You set boundaries and he crossed them. That's on him not you.

Communication is KEY with not only kink but relationships in general and if both participants aren't happy and comfortable then something is very very wrong.

But from what you've been saying, you're in the right here. This is something that needs to be brought up to him in conversation. Your feelings matter just as much as his and if you need to step away from the lifestyle or even the relationship then that's ok! You deserve happiness too.

If you're uncomfortable, talk to him. If he reacts badly then that's not on you.

One of my favorite things to keep in mind in unequal situations like this is "You don't owe anything to anyone." And that "You matter just as much as anyone else."
 
You “NEED” to talk to him and clarify these boundaries. The fact that you are here looking for others input, makes me believe that you want the relationship to work. BUT....you two have to come to manageable terms and follow them.

If it is really over in your mind then end it... otherwise work toward a mutual resolution so that you both can enjoy what can be a very bonding and loving dynamic. Communication and trust is the key. Good luck to you.
 
What i did with my husband is: we talked about what was important for him in this hobby(thats How we call it). And what limits i had since in my oppinion he is my man. And i dont want Be called mommy,etc.. i dont want him to use a binky. And he respects that. I just think its important to keep talking. We have Made a list of “littles” rules,punishments, humiliations and diaper dates. This setted off all limits for me. As i choose when he can or cannot wear a diaper. Ive accepted this hobby now but before we Made the lists we had a really hard time because the same as for you he kept asking more and more. That has ended with these lists since he now knows what my ultimate limits are. If You would like Some info about the lists You can contact us. Sorry for the english. Were from belgium.

Kind regards
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top