Dear Lovelylittlelove,
First, let me say that I'm sorry a paragraph turned into a book.
I know exactly how you feel, and that's not because I've been where you are, it's because I did this to one of my friends and it caused major damage in our friendship. To this date, our conversations are very off-kilter regardless of the topic, and she doesn't even acknowledge me as her friend because of the way I treated her. Essentially, what he's doing is a balls-out attempt to suit his needs, with ultimately no regard for your feelings. He may even feel that what he's doing is right or justified in his mind, even though it truly isn't. If he has any insight (which I wound up getting the hard way), he'll learn that you're not truly comfortable with that.
As for what he's doing by saying "he isn't good enough for me and that I hate him and everything else you could think of" is not insecurity, it's narcissism and manipulation. I live with that every day, too. Examples from my own life include "disrespecting my mother" by choosing to hang out with a friend instead of her and "betraying my mother" by hiring a lawyer after she falsely accused me of something. Sound familiar? The difference between self-hatred, insecurity, and self-victimization is very clear. Self-hatred is when a person truly hates themselves and truly does feel unworthy of love, regardless of how someone feels about them. Insecurity is just that: you're not secure about your positive opinion of yourself or your confidence, and you want that security restored, even if it's only temporary. When an insecure person tells you "I am (something negative)", that's a veiled way of begging you to correct them, and when they tell you "I am not (something positive)", that's also a veiled way of begging you to correct them. It's very easy to confuse self-hatred and insecurity, so if you think your reaffirmations are not helping, it's best to stop before you reinforce the person in the wrong direction. Those two are serious problems, and they are very delicate things to handle for both people who have them and people around them. As someone who hates myself, a positive reaffirmation would probably garner a "thank you" on the outside and a complete denial of the reaffirmation on the inside. I have no idea exactly how insecurity feels, except as someone who sees it in others. Being that the insecure people I meet seem to describe themselves the same way I describe myself (as self-hating instead of insecure), I wonder if the difference is merely perspective, and that's something I wish to uncover someday.
Like I said, self-hatred and insecurity are true negative feelings a person has about themselves, which manifests into negative thoughts, negative emotions, negative words, and negative actions. Self-victimization is neither of those two, although it sure sounds like one. A narcissist never thinks negatively of themselves, and some even see themselves on the level of God. My personal term is an "infallibility complex", essentially the inability to make a mistake or do anything wrong, the ability to be perfect (unless someone interferes), and the ability to always be right. For those who believe in a higher power (God, Allah, etc.), infallibility is reserved for those higher powers and nobody else. There is such a thing as a messiah complex, which entails of a person believing that they are the messiah, which is a completely different situation. An infallibility complex is one step below a messiah complex, since the former only entails the belief that they are incapable of wrongdoing in any form, and any belief that they can do wrong is publicly pronounced as a wrongdoing on the skeptic's part (despite the fact that the skeptic is right).
Ultimately, self-victimization's not a reflection of their view of themselves. Narcissists view themselves as perfect, which means that they are incapable of being the victim of anything. However, just because they truly believe they can't be victimized, that doesn't mean they want everyone else to think that. If everyone else joins in on the belief that the narcissist is being victimized by someone, the narcissist then receives vindication, which is a highly coveted prize on any narcissist's shelf. Also, if the narcissist is officially labeled the victim (though the label is factually incorrect and completely inverted, a narcissist will use that label whenever they can to achieve the same results), then the true victim is officially labeled as the bad guy, which just tightens the narcissist's hold on the situation. The old phrase "if you want to judge a horse, look at his track record" applies perfectly here. When a narcissist has been officially declared the victim in the past and their victim has officially been declared the bad guy in the past, people usually will assume the same is true in the future, tightening the hold even further. From there, it's just an endless cycle, until the day the true victim decides to end it. The narcissist will never end the cycle, because they enjoy the results. When they say they're breaking up, the expected response is "please don't go, I love you, I need you, etc." Again, vindication. They're vindicated in their belief that you'll give in. When they don't get that vindication...whoa, nelly...
That being said, self-victimization's not a reflection of anything except a desire to manipulate the feelings, thoughts, and actions of others. Remember the "If...then..." statements you learned in school? The "If...then..." statement of self-victimization is "If I accuse (person) of (saying/doing/feeling/thinking something negative), then they're the bad guy and I'm the victim. If I do that, then they're wrong and I'm right. And if I'm right and they're wrong, then I'm justified in my desires and my feelings and they're not, and then they should sideline their own feelings and cater to mine." Read the word "self-victimization". "Victimize" is right there. It sounds like it would fit right alongside suicide and self-harm, as well as self-hatred and insecurity, and that's exactly where a narcissist wants it. Per Wikipedia, "Victim playing (also known as playing the victim, victim card or self-victimization) is the fabrication of victimhood for a variety of reasons such as to justify abuse of others, to manipulate others, a coping strategy or attention seeking." "Self-victimization" is the nice way to put it. "Playing the victim" is what it truly is. As a person who lived 19 years with multiple narcissists in my family, I have zero doubt that this is what's going on here.
Read your own post, you described it perfectly. "I set boundaries..so far, he has pretty much crossed every line possible." It's called the foot-in-the-door technique, where a person brings forth a small request, with the short-term intentions of bringing a slightly larger request forwards, and a long-term request of his true desires in the back of his mind. In short, you told him not to do A, then he did A. Don't do B, he did B. Don't do C, he did C, and so on. "I can't even talk to him about it because I say one thing and he threatens that he isn't good enough for me and that I hate him and everything else you could think of." He has you hook, line and sinker. "I say one thing..." "He threatens that he isn't good enough for me..." "I hate him..." He made himself the victim and he made you the aggressor. And don't even try to say that he hasn't dug his claws in, because you would've put "Whenever I say something, he says that he isn't good enough for me and he says that I hate him," or a sentence similar to that. What he did is not his way of saying "(Your name), you hate me and I'm not good enough for you," that's his way of saying "(Your name), how dare you refuse what I say, now you'll pay with your emotions." You're probably thinking of typing that he didn't hurt your feelings, and that you're okay in the grand scheme of things (since I'm sure you've contemplated leaving by now). Let me tell you that if you didn't have your feelings affected by him at all, you would have never posted this here or anywhere, since him saying that and not truly affecting you would've ended with him getting the boot.
Also, out of your whole post, there's one word that stood out to me more than anything else: "but." "But" is the narcissist's magic word like "please" is everyone else's. Here's some of your sentences, with the word "but" underlined: "I know he is insecure and he just wants to feel comfortable.. but I also told him my boundaries and just feel like we aren't even dating anymore because of it." "I feel like I have given so much. I have been changing him. I feel him or "check him" I am okay with him sleeping in onesies and having baby things.. but the video put me over the edge." Dr. Phil's definition of "but" is "forget what I just said, now I'm going to tell you how I really feel". And my teacher (who's like my father) has said on many occasions that the only purpose of "but" is to negate everything that came before it. Go on Wiktionary.com and type "but" in, and you can easily sub in any word on that page and get the same result. Read these two sentences: "I know that's how you feel, but here's how I feel. And I know this is what you want, but this is what I want." What do you notice? The generic "but" sentence is "X, but Y." That doesn't mean "I have something to add," that means "Now that I said what you want me to say, let's move on to the part where you vindicate me and do it my way."
Now, read the sentences again, and see how it works: "I know that's how you feel, but here's how I feel. And I know this is what you want, but this is what I want." Your given what you think is vindication at the beginning so that the narcissist can move on to catering their own feelings, which are the only feelings they usually care about. It's the same way parents tell children Santa Claus is real to make them behave, just so they can tackle their own problems with their children's behavior. I'm not going to skewer parents and Santa Claus here, since that was only an explanation. At least something mutually good comes out of Santa Claus, at least it should. As for the breakdown in the narcissist/non-narcissist relationship, you get your pretty little token that the narcissist tells you is vindication, and you can sit there happily thinking your problem is solved, then they can play the "but" card and tackle the only concern they care about: theirs. In short, that's his way of saying "Screw you and screw your feelings." And, in one more use of that special word, "I heard everything you said, I know how you feel, I know what you want, I know what you need, I know what your desires are, and I know the opposites of all of those things, BUT I DON'T CARE."
If you're willing to give him a chance, talk to him about how you feel, and give him an ultimatum. He either stops doing whatever you don't want him to do (you'll have to write the list, since he's your boyfriend), or that's the end of the relationship. If that gets nowhere, your best bet is to drop him. Whether he has good intentions or not, if he refuses to take your feelings into account either directly or indirectly, you need to find someone else. Whether he chooses to end the relationship by proxy that day (by choosing to continue his actions or negotiate something that's non-negotiable) or whether he indirectly chooses it over time (by going against the grain), you need to put your foot down that time, since that moment has yet to come. I'm not knocking your way of handling the situation, since I met you mere minutes ago when I started writing this, and I know very well what you're going through. When you realize that he isn't respecting you or your wishes (since disrespecting your wishes is disrespecting you), end it and never look back.
Even though some imbalanced relationships can recover to some degree, (many if not most) can't. The relationship I mentioned between me and my friend is somewhat good, though it's a pale image of what it was before I hurt her. She has given me a multitude of chances not to hurt her, and I hurt her again and again, and it finally took me pulling my head out of my ass to realize that I was about to lose an amazing person that I could never replace in a million years. I don't know why she gave me another chance after me pissing away so many opportunities to treat her nicely, and I'm determined to make this chance count. Don't take what I'm saying and get your violin out, since that's not the goal. If you looked at me and my friend side by side, you'd see a girl and a donkey sitting there, and it wouldn't take long to figure out who was who. The reason I said all that is because that's what you need to look for in this guy. Don't look for the words, because you'll receive them in spades. Look for actions and emotions instead, since actions speak louder than words. I'll look at the glass half-full and begin this next statement with "if": If he takes advantage of this chance again, end it. Don't go glass-half-empty and say "when", since that won't end well for either of you. Give him a fair and honest chance, put the ball in his court, and then you'll know for sure whether "I love you" means "I love you" or "I love your presence". If he gets caught making an ass of himself by breaking his promise, leave, because if you don't, he's also made an ass of you.
I don't know you personally, so don't take it personally when I say I don't know exactly how you are as a friend or as a girlfriend, and it would be grossly and extremely inappropriate for me to rate you in either department. However, you clearly have a lot of love to give, since you wouldn't have stayed with this guy for so long if he put you through all of this. If he is willing to consider your feelings, give him this one chance, let him know that he has one chance to do it right, and stick with it. In the case that he took advantage of that chance, never call it a waste and don't let it be in vain. No matter how many "I love yous", "come backs", "I'll changes", or any other kiss-ass statements you get, when you put your foot down, keep it down, since taking him back is a nonverbal way of saying "Well, (his name), go ahead, do it again." There can't be two second chances, two one last chances, two last opportunities, nothing like that. The nonexistence of two of any of those things is so evident that I'm surprised my English teacher isn't knocking on my door right now to see if I've lost it. Essentially, think of it this way: there's no such thing as two days after Christmas. There's the day after, and the day after that, but the same day doesn't come twice. It hasn't in the 15 billion years the universe existed, and it won't ever come. If the same definitive event can't occur anytime again in the universe's history, don't let it happen here. Sit him down, talk to him, tell him where you stand, have the police dialed on your phone or have a loved one listening on speaker with their phone muted in case he doesn't respond well (believe me, that's a must-do for any narcissist/non-narcissist conversation). Then, judging by his response, either end it or give him the final chance. Not a final chance, THE final chance. Then, if he decides to walk, let him. If you don't stand strong and you beg him to come back and work on it, he has permission to continue doing exactly what started this post in the first place, says you. Then, if he decides to take advantage of your love for him, cut it off. Just like if a friend takes advantage, or a co-worker, or a neighbor, or anyone else, when someone takes advantage of X, cut them off from X. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and know that I'll be more than willing to help you out if you need to.
-Starlight :hugs: