Make it or break it

My boy friend and I have been in a relationship for 6 years. About 2 years in I found a stash and he told me his DL secret. At first I was very shocked but we had been together for awhile and made myself get over it. As the years went on the need for me to become involved, changing and wearing in the bedroom has become more of an issue for me. Growing up I wet the bed untill I was 13 or 14. I had to wear diapers to bed and to sleepovers all the time. One time it was found by a friend and was spread around that I wore them and was shamed for wetting the bed. I hated the diapers so much I almost think I made myself stop bed wetting from sheer force of will. Flash forword now to my relationship and I'm being asked to participate in this fetish is kinda a problem. The diapers are a turn off they kill any sexual desire In the moment for me. Are we doomed? Any advice? I feel like my childhood trauma is in direct conflict with his sexual fetish.

Welcome to the forum!

One possible way out of the dilemma that I can see is to try compartmentalising the various aspects of diapers for the time being. They are used for all sorts of reasons - bedwetting, convenience, comfort etc. So your childhood experience was only one facet of wearing diapers, which perhaps you could draw a line around and say to yourself: "That was a painful experience, but it's history and it won't be repeated." Lots of young people wet the bed and wear diapers until they no longer need to, so it was neither your fault not the diapers', just one thing that some kids, being kids, picked up on to have a laugh about at your expense.

Then, you can take a new look and re-discover diapers as something that makes your partner happy, could even possibly make you happy to share with him. They're not for bedwetting, they're for fun. It's a whole different thing and you might be able to separate it enough from previous experiences that you can develop a new, neutral or positive interest in diapers. The good thing is that quite apart from making your BF happy, you would eventually be able to look back and find the silly episodes of past times less traumatic than they seem now.

Of course, I'm taking a pro-diaper stance here, searching for something positive in the diaper-wearing aspect of your relationship. The flipside is that he changes his outlook to separate his diaper desires from you. That's equally valid, and perhaps there's a compromise, but as a full-time DL I'm rather biased! Good luck, keep us posted with what you work out.

I have been married to the same wonderful woman for the over 30 years, she has know of my want of diapers from day one, and I have known of her dislike of diapers due to her bed wetting as a child.
Therefore I do not ask her to wear diapers but instead tell her she is more than welcome to try them anytime she wants to. So far in our marriage she sha worn a diaper three times, each time she has felt it to be discussing and I just say at least you gave them a try.
She has been ok with my diaper desires and even encourages me to wear diapers as often as I want, which is full time nowadays.
It does not have to be all or none, a relationship is doomed to fail if there is no give and take.

I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for a while now, after our 3rd or 4th date I told her about my age regression tendencies and how I like wearing diapers.
Yea it was pretty embarrassing at first, but she was really cool about it, she’s never worn one before and doesn’t plan to either, but she likes the aspect of helping take care of me, and it’s not just focused around being diapered, it’s the emotional connection we developed and the respect we have for each other.
I’d say stick with your relationship, put down some ground rules, it can’t be diapers and baby stuff 24/7, that’s not fair for you, but moderation with the rule that you’ll not be the one who’s wearing them.

Hi, TheBF. I've thought long and hard about posting on this thread, but I want you to have a balanced view of this, and not just hear from people who have found a way to make this work with their SOs.

I've known since I was pretty young that diapers affected me differently. The desires came and went throughout my life, but then came the Internet and I learned I was not alone, and the desires came to stay. I could no more change this about myself than I could change my sexual orientation. Fetishes choose us, not the other way around. I emphasize this point because I think it's important that you know this isn't something your boyfriend can control and it's not going anywhere.

When I finally came clean to my wife about these desires, she did not take it well, and I made a promise I intended to but would never be able to keep: that I would stop. I think we both know how that turned out. I was found out and she felt betrayed. I agreed to see a psychologist who was so uneducated that he thought I might be a pedophile and treated me as such.

Finally, I had no choice but to tell my wife that this is who I am and she had a choice to make. I was very careful to frame it not as an ultimatum but as a decision, and it had to be hers.

Today we have an uneasy truce. I work as hard as I can to make sure she is NEVER aware of my diaper-related activities, though it's important to me that she knows this is still part of me. It's critical that she knows this so she is never surprised and never again feels lied to or betrayed.

Our reality is that we have a loving marriage, but there will always be this partition between us. There is a small part of me that she wants no part of and I am forced to hide from her. It makes me sad, and I think it makes her sad too, but we never talk about it. One of the great joys of my life is that my wife and I talk about EVERYTHING … but not this.

My wife cannot accept me as I am, and I cannot shake these odd desires, and our marriage has suffered for it. I thought you should know that.

-RMS

My wife is fully supportive of my diaper needs, but mostly will not participate in anything diaper related (she has worn dialer and changed me, but very very seldom since she doesn't like it). And that has been enough for me.

Conversely, your negative reaction to diapers comes from bad memories of them. So why can't you make new good memories with wearing diapers? Plan a diapered weekend where your boyfriend has to wait on, change you instead, and even sexually endulge what you want. Reassociate diapers with being truly pampered and you may find you'll like them after all.

There seem to be quite a few replies here suggesting ways to learn to like them - I don't think that's the right approach.

While all relationships involve a bit of compromise, you also need to respect things your partner is uncomfortable with. Most here are here because they like diapers. It sounds like you have good reason not to like the idea of them, and we have no right to be saying you should learn to like it just because we do. Why should the burden all fall on you?
I assume that you have told him about your childhood and why they have negative associations for you? If so, I think it's fundamentally unfair for him to expect you to be involved with it if you don't want to be.

I suppose the main question is: Is it a dealbreaker for him if he can't wear a diaper openly around you?

The fact you were together for two years before he told you suggests at least that he doesn't require them to become aroused. If he did, that would obviously be incompatible. You have about as much control over what turns you off as you do over what turns you on - i.e. none.
A compromise would be to allow him to wear them in private. You won't say he can't, and you can accept his desire to, but you're not going to get involved and there's no play time if he's wearing one. If he's happy with that, great, but if he needs it to be open then you both have hard choices. It sounds like you've tried to make it work but there's a mental block because of your childhood. Maybe it will lessen in time and you could learn to make a more positive association if you wanted to try, but I wouldn't rely on it, and it wouldn't be right to expect it. He'd have to decide which is more important to him, which hopefully would be you but I won't dress this up - I can't guarantee it.

You've registered on a forum to ask advice, so clearly you want to make it work. I'd sit down with him and have a proper talk about why it's difficult for you and what the two of you can agree on. That's difficult if you fear that it's going to end the relationship, but if it really is incompatable then you're only delaying the inevitable. Trying to make it work after a frank discusssion might be a better approach that trying to pretend that everything is fine when it's not.

There is some good advice above but I think there is one point that could be clarified. Your revulsion to your partner's diaper wearing is perfectly natural. Your childhood experiences did not cause these feelings but merely reinforced the feelings that nature had already installed in us through evolution. Nearly all of us are naturally disgusted when bodily functions are expressed in inappropriate, socially unacceptable, ways; and we are naturally suspicious or scornful of those that find pleasure in engaging in inappropriate behavior. The point is, your feelings are not some kind of psychological problem, and neither are his. The problem is the compatibility issue.

Acceptance is the question. Can you accept he will always have these desires and will need some kind of outlet to express them? Can he accept that you will never want to directly participate and will (I'm guessing) never condone another person providing that outlet?

His DL issue is only ONE item that you may not be thrilled about. Are there other great things about him you like? I assume yes since you did not know of this DL issue until later. Keep talking / communicating! I took this stance early in my college years when I had relationships with co-college students. I actually needed protection at night back then but even when it subsided after a few years and I was asked why I still wear plastic underpants at night: I stated I felt more secure. Most people accepted this and we enjoyed our relationships and occasionally a DL play side may come out with someone but most of the time it did not. Ultimately my relationship to one person and their understanding of my PULs I wear at night does not hinder our togetherness. Enjoy & care for each other for what your DO have, not for what you do not like. This item you dis-like may take time to work out and you can ask him to keep it discreet at some agreed level.

I’ve shared on here a few times about my situation. The short version is that I told my wife about my life long attraction to diapers after 11 years of marriage (we are at 14 now). She took it terribly and threatened to leave me at first. Since then, she has lightened up a bit and is okay with me wearing as long as it’s not around her and there is never any evidence of it. I don’t feel it’s the ideal compromise since I would love to be able to wear freely, but I will take it over her leaving with the kids. My point is that if you decide to continue this relationship, you have to meet halfway. You will need to be okay with this side of him even if it is only when he is alone and he has to understand he can never get you involved in it. If that doesn’t work for either of you, then life together won’t be easy because these desires don’t go away no matter how much we have tried.

I'd say that you are only doomed if you are unable to accept that this is a part of him that he cannot change and judge and shame him for that. However, that doesn't seem at all to be the case.

Besides that, it really depends on how important it is to him that you participate. If it's something that he feels like he cannot live without in his sexual life maybe you two just aren't a good match. But if it's something that he's willing to compromise on, then there may be a good solution for both of you.

To throw another suggestion out there: Would you ever be okay with him playing with someone else to relieve these desires? Please don't at all think I am pushing you to do this. In fact I am a very monogamous person and that sort of open relationship simply isn't for me. But there are many people who don't feel that way and more power to them if it strengthens their relationships.

Also, I second WoodlandWanderer's advice.