Need input about my partners fetish

Hey guys!

I just signed up on this forum and I'm here because I need input/feedback on certain issues. My boyfriend is an abdl (I'm not) and I'm foremost looking for input from other people in the same situation as me, and of course if you as an abdl have had your partner experience a similar situation (when you came out to your partner).

Let's take it from the beginning.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years, he came out to me and told me about his fetish 4 years in to our relationship. I'll admit I didn't react so well on what he told me at first. I was afraid and kind of distanced myself in a way from his fetish. I didn't want to talk about it.
The consequence of my reaction was that my boyfriend got feelings of shame of course.

Time went by and we tried to talk about it a few times, he tried to indulge in his fetish in front of me a couple of times during two years (pacifier, diaper and his teddybear). My reaction was a kind of distaste of him, I couldn't cope with the situation, and the view of him as a little and my view of him as a sexual partner couldn't merge.

So this became the elephant in the room and one of the reasons we broke up 2 years after he told me.
During the time we were apart we started to speak about the issues we had, our experiences connected to his fetish and our reactions on both of our actions in the different situations that emerged when he tried to act on his fetish.
It felt better during the time we were apart (partly because we actually started to talk about it) and we started to miss each other. So we decided to try again.

And now we are more open about the elephant that used to be in the room, we discuss different compromises and our feelings. For the moment he feels that he wants more that I can give him in regards to his fetish. His compromise or desires is on the level that he wants to be able to indulge in his fetish while I'm near/close to him. Not having sex but to be able to be in the same room, perhaps cuddle and sometimes sleep with his pacifier and teddybear in bed with me.

I'm a bit worried about the future, have you guys been in the same situation? How did you handle it? What compromises did you make? On what level does he/she indulge in his/her fetish now? How does it work when you have kids? (I'm 27 now so I'm more inclined to think about a future with kids).
How did you react when you found out? Was/is my reaction/thinking abnormal?

Feel free to ask me more questions if I forgot to write something down.

Regards Tilia

First off, I think it's mighty big of you to post here seeking advice, this proves to me that on some level you want to make this work and you want your partner to be happy. I commend you for taking the time to post

I will also take my time to advise you or guide you as best I can, as I have been on the other side of the relationship, the AB and I have had active relationships with quite a few partners, past and present, that involved my AB side

I will start by saying that your reaction doesn't stray far from how many partners react. I have never had a partner react poorly per se or a partner who caused this to put up a barrier in our relationship, but I do know based on conversations with my fellow ABs and posts here, that many of their partners have been apprehensive to standoffish at first. I think it's a normal reaction to some extent, if only because this particular fetish/lifestyle/part of your boyfriend is admittedly, a tough sell and it's not always something people can see themselves readily becoming a part of.

Your problem of separating your little/AB boyfriend from your big boy/adult boyfriend is also not unheard of. In fact, my first girlfriend did not participate in my Baby time for this reason alone. She was a much more sexually charged partner than others I have had and I think the thought of her Knight in Shining Armour being a Pampered Prince was something she couldn't quite wrap her head around. I do think to a certain extent, this side of myself made me less physically/sexually attractive in her eyes, even so, she was still accepting enough to let me regress and be little on my own time. On the flip side, my next girlfriend built up to mothering my little/baby side and I am currently courting someone else who has feelings for both big me and little me.

The thing with my former 2nd girlfriend and the person I am currently courting is that they are somehow able to separate the baby from the man. They realize that my AB/DL side is always going to be a part of me, but like everything else; my hobbies, my interests, etc. it is but one part of who I am, not the collective whole. I guess, they can just compartmentalize this, they have had their fun with my baby side and they have also had a romantic and intimate relationship with my adult side as well.

I can't really guide you or advise you on how to compartmentalize this, on how to separate the two, on how to have fun with both sides of your boyfriend, these are things you'll have to figure out for yourself. I suppose the best way to reach stability in the relationship and the best way to be there for your partners baby side will be to simply test the waters. Wade into this slowly, take baby steps, if you remain open-minded and emotionally honest, you'll find a way to separate the two sides and you'll be able to enjoy the best of both worlds, so to speak. Also, any form of participation, no matter how initially tepid, is going to mean an awful lot for your boyfriend and boost his self-confidence/self-acceptance.

That being said, if you feel his demands are unreasonable, or maybe he is seeking more than you can give him at this time, I'd suggest you simply have a candid conversation with him. Being able to talk about things was a huge part of all my past and present relationships. Just try sitting down and talking things out, figure out what each of you want from the relationship in general, AB/DL and all. Whenever I had conversations regarding my AB side and their participation, we both laid ground rules, we were always sure to take things slow and eventually, we built up to a more nuanced dynamic. So, sit down with your boyfriend, learn what exactly he wants of you as his caregiver, mutually decide what you are comfortable with, take things slow and go from there.

I'll also add, that from the sounds of things, your boyfriend seems to want to bring this into the relationship slowly as well. Nothing he has suggested or that you have brought up seems unreasonable to me. Take him up on some of what he wants to try, if you have any apprehensions, voice those to him pre-emptively. You never know, my 2nd girlfriend was apprehensive at first too, but she came to love having quiet and peaceful cuddle time with her AB boy

As far as the future, don't worry about that yet, take things a day at a time, if you get too ahead of yourself, you'll only strain the relationship. Try to be present and aware for him in the moment and like I said, take things slow.

I have never been in quite this exact situation, my partners were more accepting. We handled it a day at a time. We made lots of compromises, compromise is a fundamental aspect of any relationship, we often saved AB time for weekends or for when we both weren't so busy and we tried to maintain time for ourselves as adults as well, I also made sure that the relationship was balanced.

As far as how my partners engaged? They all engaged differently. I have had 3 active women in my life who engaged in this and I have another one, long distance, that I'm working towards building a relationship with. My 1st girlfriend did not participate, but allowed me to express this side of myself in private. My 2nd girlfriend participated as my Mommy, usually on weekends towards the end of the relationship. I had a Mommy friend who absolutely adored my baby side, we also participated when it worked for the both of us, usually every other weekend. My current and possible GF/Mommy is as I said, still long distance, but she would like to Mommy me at least a few times a week, likely on the weekends. How you engage, depends entirely on what you work out with your boyfriend.

I do not know how it works when you have kids, but there are members on here with children who can chip in on that. To my understanding, this doesn't impede that at all, when you have kids, your boyfriend puts the AB/DL side of things on the back burner and comes back to it later, when the kids are grown or leave the nest. Like I said though, there are members on here who are AB/DL and have kids, so I'm sure they can advise you better on that.

Your reaction was not abnormal, it is quite understandable. Your way of thinking doesn't seem poor to me either, you're still in the process of figuring things out, the important thing is, it sounds as though you've come to terms with this more and you want to make the effort to be supportive and open to this side of your boyfriend. Once again, the best advice I can give, talk things over with him, come up with some rules and guidelines, be supportive and if you so choose to participate, take things slow.

The best of luck to the both of you. I wish you luck in navigating this and in learning to accept this side of your partner further

Hey there Tilia,

first off let me say again how amazing it is that your taking a route most SO dont. and that is reaching out to find advice. being open minded is key in all of this no matter how far things go or get. I am ABDL, my Fiance is not. like you and your boyfriend i came out to my fiance a couple years ago. her reaction was much like yours. she did not know how to feel or wrap her head around this new information about me. i shared your post with her so she will chime in here once i have given my two cents. like Poofybutt really nailed home communication is key. will it be difficult?...yes it will be. but keep in mind that there will be no form of resolution or clarity without it. be gentle with your boyfriend as it is one of the hardest things for us who indulge in this to tell someone. Him telling you is a gift in some aspect that he trusted you enough to share this about himself. i wish you all the best in your relationship and look forward to any updates if you feel like sharing. ADISC is a great community and feel free to reach out anytime for advice or simply someone to talk to. with that i pass my response to my fiance.



Hey Tilia,

while I am not a member to this site myself, I do applaud you on your courage to seek advice and answers to your many questions. let me start by saying that your reaction was much like mine was. my picture of how I saw my fiance before he came out was a strong tall dark and handsome man who bore all the signs of a mans man. I could find him in the yard landscaping, or in the garage working on his truck. not a tool in the world was unknown to him. among his friends and family he was certainly an alpha who demanded respect and was the leader of any situation. He was my knight in shining armor. much like yourself we had been in our relationship for about three to four years when he came out to me. all of a sudden my mental picture of him was not what it was. I could only see him wearing a diaper. This at first did put a strain on our relationship. I did everything I could to not speak of it. I pretended that it had been a dream for a very long time.

Then someone gave me some great advice. while I was having a hard time coping with this revelation about my man this person asked me if I loved him. to which despite all that I knew I realized I did. They asked me if there were aspects about myself that he had to cope with, they asked me if this hurt me or anyone else, and then they said if i really wanted to throw away what we had over a quirk that could be communicated on, relationships are never perfect by definition however they can be perfect for that couple. while my mans desires where not comfortable for me we both knew that some blunt open honesty was the only way we would navigate this. At first my rules where don't ask don't tell. This did not last because anytime I got home I was always wondering...had he been wearing a diaper while I was gone? will I find a diaper in the trash? I worried that if I brought someone over would they see his "little" items laying about? so we dove in. transparency was what got us to where we are today. we talked ground rules. We discussed boundaries on both sides.

Currently, my rules/boundaries are that I do not relate to the DL or AB side of this at all. I will admit that I found his stash of diapers once and tried one on and it simply was not for me. lol but to each there own. anyway. my boundaries are no wearing around Family members on either side. while I have come to accept him for who he is I do not want their image of him to be tarnished at all as he like I said is basically the Alpha of his family and my side looks up to him a great deal.

I have told him that I do not wish to be asked to wear a diaper, again tried it and It was not for me

this isn't a sexual thing for him more an emotional thing though I have said that while he is in "little space" it will not lead to sex

I have given him the freedom to wear whenever he wants without judgement or shame though I request that it not become a 24/7 thing as I have my own needs and that is needing my strong manly man.

The really important part to all of this is give and take. I'll give him his 'Little" time and be his CG or "mommy" and he gives me my manly hunk of a man who treats me like his queen. how far you guys take this is up to you guys. be open, truly listen to his needs and wants as he should actively listen to your needs and wants. I wish you both the absolute best! feel free to PM me through here on my guys inbox if you ever need advice or just someone to talk to.

I read all of the above posts, all outstanding advice. Cannaboy, way to go getting your fiance onboard to give her 2 cents. I really liked what she had to say and I am sure Tilla will find it verry helpful in time.

Tilia said:

Hey guys!

I just signed up on this forum and I'm here because I need input/feedback on certain issues. My boyfriend is an abdl (I'm not) and I'm foremost looking for input from other people in the same situation as me, and of course if you as an abdl have had your partner experience a similar situation (when you came out to your partner).

Let's take it from the beginning.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years, he came out to me and told me about his fetish 4 years in to our relationship. I'll admit I didn't react so well on what he told me at first. I was afraid and kind of distanced myself in a way from his fetish. I didn't want to talk about it.
The consequence of my reaction was that my boyfriend got feelings of shame of course.

Time went by and we tried to talk about it a few times, he tried to indulge in his fetish in front of me a couple of times during two years (pacifier, diaper and his teddybear). My reaction was a kind of distaste of him, I couldn't cope with the situation, and the view of him as a little and my view of him as a sexual partner couldn't merge.

So this became the elephant in the room and one of the reasons we broke up 2 years after he told me.
During the time we were apart we started to speak about the issues we had, our experiences connected to his fetish and our reactions on both of our actions in the different situations that emerged when he tried to act on his fetish.
It felt better during the time we were apart (partly because we actually started to talk about it) and we started to miss each other. So we decided to try again.

And now we are more open about the elephant that used to be in the room, we discuss different compromises and our feelings. For the moment he feels that he wants more that I can give him in regards to his fetish. His compromise or desires is on the level that he wants to be able to indulge in his fetish while I'm near/close to him. Not having sex but to be able to be in the same room, perhaps cuddle and sometimes sleep with his pacifier and teddybear in bed with me.

I'm a bit worried about the future, have you guys been in the same situation? How did you handle it? What compromises did you make? On what level does he/she indulge in his/her fetish now? How does it work when you have kids? (I'm 27 now so I'm more inclined to think about a future with kids).
How did you react when you found out? Was/is my reaction/thinking abnormal?

Feel free to ask me more questions if I forgot to write something down.

Regards Tilia

Click to expand...

Congrats on trying to keep an open mind! All too often hear of someone's significant other who simply will not listen and judges them based on nothing but misinformation. So on behalf of us all I say thanks for trying to find out the truth!

I do believe you need to clarify something first though. You say he wants to engage in abdl stuff around you, but not in a sexual way. Except your repeat several times he has a fetish. Ask yourself (or better yet him) if this is something he engages in just for the sexual aspect, or is being abdl an ingrained part of who he is?

Being abdl can go much deeper for many here than just something we like to engage in. Trust me, mkst of us have tried to push it away and keep it hidden at all costs. It doesn't work. But that can go both ways, and it may truly be a fetish for your boyfriend. Something he needs you to accept so he can be sexually fulfilled just as much as you want to be.

Ultimately I'd highly recommend you sit down with him to discuss it further. Try to keep an open mind and find out just how ingrained this is for him. Does he engage in it as a means to destress or relax, or as a means to "get excited"? Maybe a little of both?

From your description though, it sounds like this really just is a part of who he is. And that's good because that it means he wants to share and include the whole him in your life. Don't be afraid to take it slow at first though, and do set boundaries you can be comfortable with. Maybe start with it being ok for him to wear and wet a diaper around you, but under his normal clothes. Maybe later add on the pacifier and bottle, but again still normally clothed. And if you're eventually comfortable with this side of him, just a diaper and tee shirt, or whatever.

This is actually how my wife and I started out. I was also urge incontinent in addition to being abdl, but at first she really didn't even want to see my diapers. Over time she grew more comfortable with it all, and now after 15+ years of marriage she actually likes to see me wearing cute printed ab diapers with just a tee shirt on as I drink from a bottle. Though at the same time she still does not actively participate in my ab stuff, nor wear a diaper herself. That's just her comfort level, and I respect that. I'm sure your boyfriend will as well.

Hi and thanks for joining so you could give us a chance to help you out I also asked for my wife to put some input herself so here she is



Good afternoon,
I understand where you are coming from about it and I can say for sure it does take sometime to get use and comfortable. My husband first told me about his abdl; he did it in our first year of marriage 8 years if dating. When he first told I was taken back a little bit and had to take some time for my mind to comprehend what he was needing from me. I asked him why and he told me his reasoning. Then from that day on little by little he showed consideration on his part about me getting use to him being in one around me. He would let me know when he was wearing one so I wouldn't be surprised later on when I went to hug him at some point.
My husband does it about everyday, I myself help him from time to time in order to get more comfortable with the idea. Like we try to find things little things that I can do with him to get a better understanding for him.
My advice is this tilia,
Take your time with the idea of his abdl so you don't feel pressure from him later on. Try doing little things with him, like wrapping him up in a blanket and cuddling that way. That's what I did when I was getting use to it and my husband wanting to wear one around more often. Just mainly take slow and set some boundaries and slowly readjust them, as you get comfortable with the abdl.
We talked about for,when we have kids and one rule that I told him was not around the kids until they were old enough to,understand the reason.

When I joined 5+ years ago. I was in a full on binge cycle from an 8 yr break.

I was very torn up about what my wife would think.

Thanks to this site we both gained and understanding of the situation.

I gained control over the over whelming urges and my wife was TOLERANT of the issue.

Because of my understanding and ability to control the urges, we both became Tolerant and set boundaries following GOOD communication.

My wife will "participate" in diapering me (within the boundaries) and cuddle me and that. But I know where the boundaries are.

So again Kudos to you for investigating and Communication is the key.

Hi Tilia,

Regarding the kids/children.
Yesterday I opened a topic about this question and I received very useful and great reply's:
https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthread.php/118143-Diaper-lover-and-being-a-parent-daddy

Hi Tilia,

I'm coming late to the party on this one. I will say everyone has given good, thoughtful advice and opinion. I guess what I would stress is this is something most of us have no control over and is "factory installed" as I've heard some say. So this is where communication is important because both of you have to understand this as a need, not a want. We all have fantasies and would want this or that, and that's where negotiation comes in. But needs are non-negotiable. So I guess the most important thing in my opinion is that his core needs and your core needs are being met in the bedroom and emotionally. If you work something out that incorporates and validates those needs, then that is healthy and wonderful.

I think the problem that arises, as it did in my marriage, is when one or both of you think that ABDL is only a want or fantasy but not something that needs to be satisfied and validated. Or worse, when it is viewed as something broken that the ABDL partner is unwilling to "fix."

I wish you both the very best.

Tab