Someone like me

Here goes. There will probably be a lot of self-deprication in this post. Its not for humor, i just really have a low opinion of myself on those particular points.
I've lived in Myrtle Beach, SC for pretty much my entire life. Moved away a few times, but always seemed to come back.
I am not a practicing ABDL. Not a little. No littlespace. Ive always been infatuated with the idea and wrestled with secret desires that no one seems to understand. Ive met some online who are incredibly comfortable, almost blase with their little status. Most of my experience has been filled with shame and unacceptance.

So, i come here seeking people who are maybe like me or are sympathetic. People i could be friends with and not deal with this alone. I am a horrible virtual friend, though. I love to write, but i am too easily sidetracked to maintain constant communication. I will gladly write at length to make up for my response delays, but i am available for other forms of communication.

I am currently a teacher, a former minister, a lover of the hero story in all of its forms. I watch movies, play casual phone games, and try to hike and explore when the option presents itself.

I am married with two children, another one possibly on the way. She doesnt like this, so I come before you fine people seeking asylum, acceptance, and friendship. Ultimately, i would like to have a group that i can go and do things with like disc golf or D&D or other in person activities.

Always open to questions, feel free to ask, and i hope to become a better friend through our interactions.

Sincerely,
A Writer Behind the Block

Welcome! Nice to meet you!

Welcome! I'm new here too, but I'm already finding this site to be quite nice and supportive. The abdl community seems comprised of many terrific people.

I liked reading your post -- I think we're on the same wavelength in terms of communicating online. (Being a writer, I'd guess you also fight with your fingers to stop them from going on too long, lol.) Anyway, I'm the sort that enjoys supporting others and talking things out, so perhaps we should talk sometime.

Welcome. I think you're taking an important step, even if haltingly. Some ABDLs don't have to wrestle with this at all. They're a lucky minority and I wish more of us could be like that. The rest have to struggle to find a way to be okay with it. I can't tell you for sure how to do feel good about being an ABDL.

I came to the conclusion in my 20s that it was an inseparable part of me and that it wasn't bad in and of itself but obviously a social negative. It took making connections with others, first online and then in the real world to see that there were ways it could be good. I believe now that while it comes with its hurdles, it's a good thing in my life and has been the impetus for making wonderful friends, traveling, and many new experiences.

I don't know if that process works for everyone but I do urge you to keep trying. The peace and comfort of self-acceptance is orders of magnitude better in my life than the doubt and self-loathing that I used to feel. It wasn't worth it. Find a way to make it good.

I am honored, and we shall. Thank you.

Writerbehindtheblock,
Okay... You're ABDL. You're a former minister. Your wife doesn't like this. This sounds like most of the people on this forum, so you're definitely not alone.

Let's face it, yes, ABDL is weird. It's freaks many people out, probably including your wife, and maybe even yourself. You probably wish you'd never had these feelings.

This is clear evidence that you didn't ask for this because you were bored one day and said "I think I'll choose to become abdl". Maybe there are some people who take up abdl activities just for fun, but you're not one of them. Why would you take to something that you know few around you would accept?

Thus, it is for reasons beyond your control that you have this proclivity. And it isn't going to go away -- that's not how these things work.

So the question is: what do you and your wife do with this? Well, you two can either (1) reject an aspect of you (which can't be separated from you) and try to repress it, and fail repeatedly, or (2) accept it for what it is and find a way to allow it to be expressed, within established boundaries that you can agree upon.

It should be allowed to be expressed because you have that need and it harms no one. Neither will it bring any shame to your family if you are keeping it private. The Bible has nothing to say about it. Thus, the only actual "negative" here is that it's weird! That's it. And weird things are not "wrong" just because they are weird!

Not only that, weird can be fun! In general, we often like doing things that are different because different it interesting. Hopefully, your wife can learn to see things this way too, and maybe one day even enjoy some small aspect of it at least.

This can only do real harm if you continue to feel shame over it or bang your head against the proverbial wall trying to repress it.

Hopefully this has been some helpful food for thought.

Carol, you're right. One of the major issues that i have right now is expression. I dont know how. I know the simple answer is to just do it. My big fear is that i get dressed up and then what? Its built up so much in my mind that im now unsure if it can realistically be achieved.

Caveat: I'm not AB nor DL ("caregiver-curious" perhaps), but I'm on the BDSM spectrum. My advice is based on my long experience there.

Writerbehindtheblock said:

My big fear is that i get dressed up and then what? Its built up so much in my mind that im now unsure if it can realistically be achieved.

Click to expand...

You're not putting on a performance. And you're definitely not trying to "achieve" anything -- you're just trying to be you. So don't worry about the dressing part. Maybe just start with one thing you want to do, and do it a short while. Maybe try out a paci, and that only, while just wearing your regular clothes. There are also readings of bedtime stories on YouTube. And the list goes on.

So try some things and learn what you enjoy and then do those things. That's all this is. Don't build it up to be such a big deal. There is nothing to achieve. Ease into things as you desire, and after a time you will find the kind of littlespace that's right for you -- because this is for you.

In your humble opinion, is being that honest with yourself worth risking everything?
I might like to try diapers, something i can hide underneath my clothes. Even thinking about it gives me a potent mix of anxiety and excitement.

Writerbehindtheblock said:

In your humble opinion, is being that honest with yourself worth risking everything?

Click to expand...

I take it you're talking about your wife.

If you embrace your littleness by doing ABDL things, then yes she will likely eventually find out one way or another. But the true risk is hiding it or lying about it.

Never acting on it is (technically) an option, but it's going to eat at you, year-in year-out.

If it were me, I'd tell her, but gently of course. Of course don't run up to your wife in a diaper and bonnet and say"Tada!" I'd start off by saying something like,
And go from there.

Do you really think she would leave you over saying this? I don't know your wife, but if my husband told me something I find freaky (that he can't help), but he was bravely honest about it, how could I hold that against him? I may not like it, and I may even find the desire disgusting initially, but no way would I leave him just for revealing it to me.

So as you discuss it (preferably not all in one night), you'll negotiate the boundaries. Or maybe at first she won't allow anything all, but that doesn't mean she never will. It is *far* better to have honestly discussed it and break a boundary than if she discovers it all at once and learns you've been keeping secrets from her.

Yes, this is easier said than done. This takes balls. But imho something like this needs to be said. Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

I admitted to her years ago, hinted at it even beforr we started dating. Even with that, i still have trouble talking about my desires. But your right, it eats at me. It changes my personality, as i steel myself and craft the right words to say i become so single minded as to become distant. Its not good, but you are also right in that it takes balls. If this is a part of me, then it should be accepted. At the very least, ackonweldged that this is a part of who i am and i shouldnt feel like the whole of me is undesirable.

Writerbehindtheblock said:

I admitted to her years ago, hinted at it even before we started dating. Even with that, i still have trouble talking about my desires.

Click to expand...

Oh yes, I momentarily forgot you'd told her something at least at some point. How many years ago was that and how much did you tell? How did she respond?

Writerbehindtheblock said:

It changes my personality, as i steel myself and craft the right words to say i become so single minded as to become distant.

Click to expand...

Maybe you need to just work on self-acceptance for now. (No rush to have "the talk".) If she sees that you feel very ashamed, then that could reinforce her own notion that this is shameful.

Writerbehindtheblock said:

But you're right, it eats at me.

Click to expand...

As I'm sure you realize, letting something eat at you is mentally unhealthy and therefore unhealthy for your whole family. You need to work on this, because it is the right thing to do.

Writerbehindtheblock said:

If this is a part of me, then it should be accepted. At the very least, acknowledged that this is a part of who i am and i shouldn't feel like the whole of me is undesirable.

Click to expand...

Yep.

So how do you work on this?... I may be guessing, but I think acceptance is made harder by how much you've built this up in your mind, because you haven't done any abdl activities yet.

As I said in a previous comment, I think you need to actually do some small abdl things (in private for now if necessary) so that you become comfortable with it. Then you can come to understand that this is really not such a huge deal after all. There's nothing actually wrong about it. Then you will be at a much better starting point for accepting yourself.

I don't have much to offer you in terms of advice, as I'm afraid that I'm as lost as you are. I've also wrestled with this all my life. I don't have a low opinion of myself, on the contrary, much because I work on actively improving myself on everything I can, but I can tell you this: Hiding from this s not an option. At least not a healthy one. You can accept yourself and practice it fully, or you can do like me, accept not yourself that much, but more the fact that this part of you isn't going anywhere, and let it out in controlled (as much as possible) outbursts, which is what I do. And for the greater part of my life, I live a normal existence, this is my little secret locked away with seven different keys :laugh: I'll be honest with you, sometimes I have blueish bouts (when they're stronger it's almost borderline depression) but I mostly power through them until they go away. The only help I can give you, out of good will and not because I'm an expert on the matter, is with willpower you can do anything. I have improved myself immensely over the past few years because I got it stuck in my head that I'd do so and that my willpower is strong enough to do so. I don't know if it actually is that strong, but I try. You're not worthless, so having a low opinion of yourself is not necessary. We all matter the same, whether we want to or not. Celebrities and hierarchies are societal constructions. What I can do better than you, you can do just as well as me if you apply yourself and believe in yourself. I used to have low self esteem as well, I'm just trying to share my 2 cents in the hope of helping someone who I identify with. Hope I'm not coming across as dogmatic, I just find it easier to work on myself when I don't accept the bullshit excuses we all make for why we aren't in a better mental or physical (or whatever) condition. I honestly believe that it's a mental barrier, something we can change, something that exists inside our heads alone. It's not an easy or quick process, but I believe you can change it for the better, if you so desire. Again, it's my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. I hope you're doing well, and welcome to the site my friend.

I just started a new job and my first paycheck hasnt arrived yet, and once my certification comes through, ill receive back pay. All of that exposition leads to this, i think ill take some of it and purchase a couple of supplies and just go somewhere to be. Ive never thought i would do this by myself, but as i have been talking with you all, i realize that this is something i need to do for me. How can i expect someone else to accept me when i cant accept myself?
I think i was wanting outside acceptance to give me permission to accept myself, but thats not really true self acceptance.
I will let you all know more as this journey continues.
Incidentally, any recommendations for a small pack of AB diapers? I dont want to buy a bunch at a time. Maybe one or two at a time.

Writerbehindtheblock said:

Incidentally, any recommendations for a small pack of AB diapers? I don't want to buy a bunch at a time. Maybe one or two at a time.

Click to expand...

Medical brands are minimally sold as one bag, usually around 15 per bag. ABDL brands' bags often contain 10. You can also find ABDL brands sold as ones or twos, but the cost per diaper is ridiculous if you do it that way. It's up to you.

I order my diapers from Northshore Care, an incontinence supplier (mostly), and one amazing thing about them is that they give free samples. They even carry two ABDL brands: Crinklz and Dotty-the-Pony, that I know of.

You might try buying something there, and then ask for samples. They give you a packet of two diapers per sample. As a new customer, I think they wouldn't mind giving you like three sample packets. You'll have to order by phone to do that, but don't worry -- I understand that they are ABDL-aware.

If you don't have room for a whole bag of diapers as your purchase, maybe you could buy something smaller. I just checked their site and under "New Items" there is (amazingly) a onesie, price $40. (The ABDL's are taking over!)

As for which diaper specifically to choose, I'll let others help you with that if you are looking for ABDL brands. It depends on what you want.

If you prefer more ABDL choices vs. medical, you'll of course need another supplier that mostly caters to that. I've haven't ordered from these, but I hear AB Universe are good people, and I've bought one of their diapers at a local store.

Soon I should tell you about that store , but here I've gone on too long already.

Welcome to the forum, Writer. I have to commend you on your bravery, both for coming here, and for being honest with yourself about your needs. There is nothing shameful in needing and wanting the things that you need and want in this regard, but I understand how difficult it can be to come to terms with your feelings. I’m very comfortable with myself now, but I wasn’t always. The very first bag of diapers that I bought (children’s goodnites from Walmart), I used maybe four before throwing the rest of the bag away out of shame and guilt. Fast forward two years, and while I don’t discuss my abdl side with anyone outside of here, I’m comfortable going out in taped “baby” diapers (distinguished from adult pull-ups) and I bring my little plush dog with me everywhere, in plain sight of everyone, and I have no qualms about sucking my thumb in front of my two friends and showing up to overnights in my footed sleepers.

All of this to say that it takes a while for many of us to adjust and become comfortable with what is essentially an inherent need and way of being that has been part of us since birth, much like sexual orientation or gender identity. I am abdl in the same way that I am asexual, it’s just a part of me that I’ve come to accept, and can’t change. Here’s wishing you luck on your journey, and offering support with the transition.

Welcome. I'm sure you'll seek refuge here. Your title reminds me of the Phil Collins song from Tarzan, "Strangers Like Me". I love that song.

RunButDontHide said:

And for the greater part of my life, I live a normal existence, this is my little secret locked away with seven different keys :laugh:

Click to expand...

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, that's kind of how I think about it!

The advice around hiding it is spot on, it will eat you up, but I'm just not brave enough to deal with it, so it remains my 'little' secret from everybody, even my wife. I'd repressed this for so long (even through 15+ years of marriage), pushed it down inside me and tried to kill it off, but last year the feelings just became to much and I ended up buying diapers etc.

At first the shame ate me up, not only was it a deep secret, I was now acting on it, that means there's physical evidence, what if somebody found out! What would my wife think if she came home early and found me like this? Over the months I handled the shame by NOT letting the negative voice eat me. Instead I replaced it with "THAT was FUN! lets do it again!". It sounds silly, but over time that worked and the shame has gone, I really enjoy those secret times.

I attempted to tell my wife recently, got it all wrong, struggled to say the word diaper. When I eventually DID manage to get it out her reaction was not great and so I bottled it up, I didn't even get as far as even mentioning the AB side, I think she would have just freaked out at that point. I think she believes that was it and she can forget about it, but little does she know that my hidden stash has since ballooned (although with a shared bank account, purchasing things in a hidden way is a story of itself!)

Is all this hiding a secret life healthy? Probably not, it'll probably completely eat me eventually, but I don't really know WHAT else to do. It probably doesn't help that I also have a CD side (that's the first time I've EVER mentioned this outside of my head!) that again as a vanilla she would just not be able to handle, I myself am still trying to accept that side of me.

Basically I'm a complete mess who puts on a 'show' of a 'normal' person to the outside world, only letting my true self out when I'm alone. Thank goodness for adisc or I'd probably end up going mad