I want to be little... but I can't

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gnd567

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Please forgive me for my rambling but I’m really hurting badly and have nobody in the real world that I can talk to about this sort of thing. I just have nowhere else to go.

Also, if this is in the wrong place, feel free to move it wherever you feel it's appropriate.

I have come to realization that even though my professional career is very slowly, but definitely, starting to take off and big things are happening, I won’t really be happy until I’ve found someone to be my mommy/girlfriend.

I feel like I can’t be myself. I still live at home with my parents due to my disability and lack of sufficient funds to live on my own (my disability check combined with my pay from work isn’t enough to even rent a room.) Because my mom works days and Dad works evenings/nights, there is always someone home in our house and always someone awake and since I don’t get out much other than for work, it mean I’m never really alone for more than maybe 20-30 mins at a time.

I have no private time to be “little” me.
I can’t regress in my bedroom because I fear that somone will hear me crinkling or hear or catch me watching “PAW Patrol” (my little’s most favoritest show ever!) or I’ll forget to lock my door and they’ll come in without knocking (not normal for them, but it could happen) and find me in my onesie or shortalls.

Other than my teddy bear (which I sleep with every night) and my diapers (which I get to wear about one night a week), I don’t ever get to give into any of my other little desires. I’m too afraid of getting caught. It hurts me so much that I want to cry but i’m even worried about being caught crying because then someone will want to know what’s wrong and there's no way I could tell them. They wouldn’t understand at all.

I feel all alone in this world. I’ve had a recurring dream for well over 20 years that I’m a lost toddler in the grocery store, searching all over for my mommy, but she’s nowhere to be found. It happens at least a couple times a month and I usually wake up in tears.

Why haven’t I found a partner willing to be my mommy? Well, first I’d have to find a girl and I’ve never dated. My social anxiety was so bad that until this past spring, I had a hard time even going to the counter at a store and paying for something because I’d get so nervous because my poor eyesight (legally blind) I am unable to make eye contact with others because I can’t see them and my eyes move uncontrollably and I feel self conscious about it. That combined with the fact that I was relentlessly bullied in elementary and middle school and an outcast in high school and that I have a hard time navigating in public alone has made social situations a bit more difficult.

I also have a (so-far) incurable form of E.D. (caused by radiation treatments as a child) that has made me feel like I have nothing to offer a woman. I can’t see well enough to do handyman stuff around the house and I can’t please her in bed so what can I offer her? I don’t have a lot in common with people my age either. I know nothing about current movies, TV, music or pop culture. I’m both and old soul and a toddler at heart and it’s very confusing. What am I good at? Loving. I love to love.

I’ve only ever had the guts to ask a girl out four times in my entire life. Each time ended bad. Two politely declined, one stood me up and the last one (for whom I had a real bad crush on) laughed hysterically and shouted (so all of our friends could here) “Yeah right! Like that’ll ever happen! ME with YOU? Are you f**kin’ kidding me right now?”” and proceeds to leave that night with my (now former) best friend. Everyone thought it was hilarious and i was mortified. They’re now married and expecting a baby of their own.

Now, to be clear, by “mommy” I DON’T mean someone who will keep me as a baby 365 24/7. I have a career I’m passionate about and things are things are going good there and I wouldn’t give that up. I also want someone I can be an “adult” with and learn to be more social. I want someone I can also experience life with.

But I do really crave someone who will also be able truly accept the “little” me.
I know it’s weird but I just HAVE to have these needs met and I won’t be able to be happy unless that person is willing to be my mommy. I’ve been single for 27 years, and if they’re not willing to accept this as a big part of who I am, I don’t know if I’ll be able to be with them because it would be no different than my current situation.

I’m tired of stifling myself and my needs.
This is as much a part of me as my adult side and I can't keep ignoring it because that's what makes it worse.
I need to find someone but I’m clueless as to how.
I’m afraid of getting caught if I put myself out there on FetLife because of my career I’m starting to gain some local notoriety and people are beginning to recognize me in my area and I’d hate to be recognized by a co-worker or someone who knows me.

Any advice? I know I sound like I’m whining but I feel so helpless.
I feel like I’m denying myself happiness but I’m so fearful of rejection and I feel like less than a man because of my disabilities and that I also can’t help but feel guilty for wanting this so much. I feel ashamed that I have no interest in being with someone that won’t treat me as a baby a few nights a week when we’re in private. Again, not ALL the time, but maybe half and half? Am I so wrong in wanting this? Please tell me the truth.
 
I don't have much support to offer, other than to say keep working towards becoming self sufficient. Once you're out on your own it will be much easier to let your inner ab out more often. You'll also look better to other women too since you won't be that guy who still lives with his parents.
 
Hey,

I am so sorry you feel like this. It can be a terrible burden to have these desires that are part of our identity and not be able to indulge. I know life must not have been nice to you, but you have to remember you are a person, and therefore, you have a huge value. I believe you are a nice person, and it really sucks you're going through this. Stay strong. You are NOT wrong for wanting this. Not in the slightest.

Sadly, I don't have a solution right now, but be confident. Try to work the courage to embrace this side of you so that whenever you meet someone you like, you can be yourself. True love is hard to find, but it is attainable, even if the person is so burdened like you. Maybe you should talk to a therapist? Are you close with your family? Maybe you should tell them if you think they love you enough. I mean, I'm just throwing ideas.

We're here for you, you are a wonderful person. Don't give up.

Hugs.
 
I hope that this doesn't come out as being cruel. As you stated, you do not have much to offer a woman. But I'm not referring to your ED. You are not even able to support yourself. Your career is improving and your being recognized for your work. I suggest you focus on your career and a path that will allow you to move out of your parents house to your own place, even if it's with roommates. Then you'll have more chance for little time. Once you have your own place you can work on meeting some women and developing a relationship.
 
I think Dear Abby would say, tell your parents what you've just told us. If you think they would be okay with you wearing diapers, maybe now is the time to approach the subject. At least you would get some pleasure from diapers. There's probably some girl out there who will love you for you. Finding that person is the problem. Very large churches have older youth groups. You might seek out something like that just to meet people. I met the girl who would become my wife at our church older youth group. I think she found me first.
 
kik91 said:
Hey,

I am so sorry you feel like this. It can be a terrible burden to have these desires that are part of our identity and not be able to indulge. I know life must not have been nice to you, but you have to remember you are a person, and therefore, you have a huge value. I believe you are a nice person, and it really sucks you're going through this. Stay strong. You are NOT wrong for wanting this. Not in the slightest.

Sadly, I don't have a solution right now, but be confident. Try to work the courage to embrace this side of you so that whenever you meet someone you like, you can be yourself. True love is hard to find, but it is attainable, even if the person is so burdened like you. Maybe you should talk to a therapist? Are you close with your family? Maybe you should tell them if you think they love you enough. I mean, I'm just throwing ideas.

We're here for you, you are a wonderful person. Don't give up.

Hugs.

Thank you. I really needed that.
I am very close with my family. They've always been very supportive with everything I want to do but I just don't know if I could ever tell them. I've always been seen as mature for my age. I wonder if they'd think differently of me if they knew? I had a therapist at one time but I never got the nerve up to tell her about my littleness. It's a big part of my identity, yet I have kept it hidden for so long.
 
gnd567 said:
Thank you. I really needed that.
I am very close with my family. They've always been very supportive with everything I want to do but I just don't know if I could ever tell them. I've always been seen as mature for my age. I wonder if they'd think differently of me if they knew? I had a therapist at one time but I never got the nerve up to tell her about my littleness. It's a big part of my identity, yet I have kept it hidden for so long.

I know what you feel. I'm the oldest child in my family, two years and half older than my sister, but when my baby side came out, my parents were understanding and so was my sister. Nowadays I can be a baby and wear diapers if I want at home, and they're okay with that. But they also know that I'm a capable adult who can thrive. I think you need that. I know it's scary, buy if your parents love you and are close and supportive, I think they'd understand. That will give you some chances to be yourself. But that's your call.

Hugs!
 
Yeah, isn't it weird? Having a disability is a darn good set of brakes for your Little side. It's like your disabled adult side is going, "Don't you dare enjoy this too much, because, someone in a position of power could put you somewhere, if they think you can't take care of yourself, and you don't want mom and dad thinking you're slipping functionally, either!"

Honestly, if I were you, I'd:

1. Know you can talk to me.

2. Set up a, "You call; they come, no questions asked," ride situation, because I know how difficult it is not to be able to drive, to escape the house, clear your head, and scream, or cry, somewhere no one can judge you for it. Maybe a paid roommate would work as driver?

3. Look into a guide dog. It's amazing how much less parents hover, when they, and you, can give some of that to the dog to handle. Owner-training is cheaper, in a lot of cases, but, guide work is so intricate, maybe hiring a private trainer would be best, as it looks like you need yours trained in more than one line of work, and a Program Dog maybe too cookie-cutter. If you're comfortable telling me what state you're in, I can look up law for you.

4. Know that once all that really, really hard self-sufficiency stuff is done, finding someone will be easier.

5. Know that you're not wrong in wanting what you do. It'll just take a special woman.

6. Know that Miss, "Are you friggin' kidding me right now," must be a complete snot, and let her roll, like water off a duck's back.

7. Don't give up!
 
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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
Yeah, isn't it weird? Having a disability is a darn good set of brakes for your Little side. It's like your disabled adult side is going, "Don't you dare enjoy this too much, because, someone in a position of power could put you somewhere, if they think you can't take care of yourself, and you don't want mom and dad thinking you're slipping functionally, either!"

^^^THIS RIGHT HERE!^^^ Somebody else does understand! Yes, I have had that fear all of my life that if someone found out and thought I was not mature enough to take care of myself and that I needed to be put somewhere. They'd probably never do it to me but I still have that fear in the back of my mind. It probably keeps me from regressing because I don't want to get caught that way.
Somebody does understand!!! I've had that fear for as long as I can remember. I don't want that to ever happen.

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
Set up a, "You call; they come, no questions asked," ride situation, because I know how difficult it is not to be able to drive, to escape the house, clear your head, and scream, or cry, somewhere no one can judge you for it. Maybe a paid roommate would work as driver?

Maybe. Dad drives me to and from work so I don't want to ask him for too much more.

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
3. Look into a guide dog. It's amazing how much less parents hover, when they, and you, can give some of that to the dog to handle. Owner-training is cheaper, in a lot of cases, but, guide work is so intricate, maybe hiring a private trainer would be best, as it looks like you need yours trained in more than one line of work, and a Program Dog maybe too cookie-cutter. If you're comfortable telling me what state you're in, I can look up law for you.

Maybe I should. I've thought about it many times before. It would help and then I wouldn't be alone in public either, which is something that I've never really done. Plus, I do LOVE animals even though I am sometimes a little intimidated by large dogs at first until I get to know them.

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
5. Know that you're not wrong in wanting what you do. It'll just take a special woman.

Thank you. I know. It's just that I feel guilty and that I want more than I could ever give in return.

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
6. Know that Miss, "Are you friggin' kidding me right now," must be a complete snot, and let her roll, like water off a duck's back.

Thanks. That experience really hurt me. Especially after she left with my my now ex-best friend (we had a disagreement a few weeks prior to this event, the girl had nothing to do with it.) She even had the nerve to invite me to the wedding! Really hurt.

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
1. Know you can talk to me.

Thank you.

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
7. Don't give up!

I won't. I just need to find some support.
 
Damn man, that's tough... That girl that went off with your ex best friend though, fuck her, you're better off without that type of person in your life...
 
gnd567 said:
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^^^THIS RIGHT HERE!^^^ Somebody else does understand! Yes, I have had that fear all of my life that if someone found out and thought I was not mature enough to take care of myself and that I needed to be put somewhere. They'd probably never do it to me but I still have that fear in the back of my mind. It probably keeps me from regressing because I don't want to get caught that way. Somebody does understand!!! I've had that fear for as long as I can remember. I don't want that to ever happen.

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Maybe. Dad drives me to and from work so I don't want to ask him for too much more.

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Maybe I should. I've thought about it many times before. It would help and then I wouldn't be alone in public either, which is something that I've never really done. Plus, I do LOVE animals even though I am sometimes a little intimidated by large dogs at first until I get to know them.

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Thank you. I know. It's just that I feel guilty and that I want more than I could ever give in return.

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Thanks. That experience really hurt me. Especially after she left with my my now ex-best friend (we had a disagreement a few weeks prior to this event, the girl had nothing to do with it.) She even had the nerve to invite me to the wedding! Really hurt.

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Thank you.

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I won't. I just need to find some support.

I was thinking maybe someone to drive you, who wasn't a parent, so they don't feel taken advantage of. Not that they do, more like, they know they aren't being taken advantage of. It'd be like, "Mom, dad, I love you. I love you so much, that now, driving me places is no longer your responsibility. I've hired this guy. Put your feet up, and know I'll be okay. You did a good job. It's break time now."

It could be as simple as a paid friend, if you have a contract drawn up.

Oh, heck yeah! With a cross-trained dog, not only wouldn't you be alone, you'd have a sighted leader, also trained to mitigate your anxiety! The difference between an Emotional Support Animal, and a Psychiatric Service Dog, is, ESAs can be more than just dogs, and they are only allowed in no-pets housing, and on flights. ESAs don't have full public access rights, because, they aren't disability mitigation work/task trained. An ESA makes you feel better, a PSD may, e.g., interrupt a suicide attempt, or, e.g., if the handler thinks himself, or herself, hallucinating, the handler may say, "Go say hi," and, if someone is there, the dog greets, nicely. If not, the dog goes in the direction of the handler's point, and, seeing no one, returns to the handler's side. Another example would be getting the handler to a safe place to have a panic attack, and doing Deep Pressure Therapy, for calming. See the difference?

Again, heck yeah, you should! Your state was on your profile, so I did some looking, and you'll definitely need a professional trainer, but, there's no reason not to go for a private, non-program, trainer, as long as said trainer has experience with Leader/guide (not sure what the difference is, forgive me.) and Psychiatric Service Dogs. Is your anxiety issue diagnosed, and documented? Don't answer that. Just know, if not, you may have trouble justifying anxiety mitigation tasks, if it ever goes to court, which, it shouldn't, because, hell, you're partial blindness is.

Now, your doctor's letter, it should be a thing. You don't have to, and, as such, shouldn't, show it in public. No registration, ID, certification, or proof of Assistance Dogness, is required by law. Why not? Because legally, they're not dogs, but medical, or psychiatric, equipment. Would you want Big Daddy Gubment knowing if you used an oxygen tank, because you had to tell them? No? I thought not. The reason for the doctor's letter is, should you end up in court, the doctor is basically saying, "Yes, he's disabled, and, yes, he should have an Assistance Dog. I'm cool with that," and that could keep them from having to subpoena your medical records. And, it's anti-dirty liar insurance, because, if someone fakes, and they prove it, then, the faker, and the doctor who lied, both go to jail. Because people's needs change, don't get too descriptive with it. Remember, "Yes, disabled. Needs an Assistance Dog. I'm cool."

That way, if work, or someone does ask, you can show them, because it's vague enough to allow your needs to change. A guy on the news had his boss ask for a doctor's letter, and his was so specific, that when his seizures got worse, and he needed the dog at work, his boss sent him home, because his doctor's letter said that he didn't need it at work.

"Yeah, but, my needs changed."

"Too bad, go home!"

See? Too specific.

You should definitely keep a training log! For God's sake, training log, training log, training log! His basic, intermediate, and advanced training certificates, task training logs, his vaccine records, his rabies tag, the IAADP minimum standards for public access he's passed, his Canine Good Citizen thingy, if you decide to get it, keep it all, because, the appropriate time for a business owner to ask for it all, is during the training phase, so, have all that, for then, and for court.

Get some flight experience during the training phase, too. I used to have a list of the best airline policies for SDiTs, but, apparently, stupid me deleted it. Don't worry. I'm on it! I'm officially wound up, in a good way! Once your 6 feet leave the ground, that's a different set of laws, under the jurisdiction of the Department Of Transportation, the Air Carrier Access Act. PSDs and ESAs require a doctor's letter, specifically mentioning the things the DOT has jurisdiction over, but, sense yours is also your eyes, you shouldn't need one, but, airlines do require some form of proof. Usually, clearly marked gear, like, for you, a rigid guide harness, should be fine.

Once your 4-legged partner is active duty, the only 2 questions you can legally be asked, unless by a judge, are:

"Is that a Service Dog, required because of a disability?"

and,

"What work or tasks has the dog been trained to perform?"

For the record, those fancy Service Dog IDs prove nothing. The only reason they aren't illegal, is because it's just a dog ID, which every dog needs, with a law card on the back, and generic examples of work and tasks. I can see the appeal.

"Yeah, um. . . This dog works for me. Here's a little legal information. Bring him home quicker, and in better health, than a pet, please, and, think twice before stealing him. Thank you."

I think I'll make my own, with the answers to my 2 questions, the fact that he's chipped, and has a GPS tracker on his harness, the legal information, and, the fact that it's a courtesy, that keeps me from answering a million questions, and isn't required by law, on it.

How's that for planning?:lol: I don't even have a dog yet, but, once he's more than a thought, alive, and with me, I can tell you, he's a Shiloh Shepherd, and, I changed my mind. His name isn't Keeneye; it's Dobby, and yes, he'll have clothes. He'll work for me of his own free will, and, handlers usually put their dogs in shoes, to protect their paws.

Other things? Other things. . . Oh! Some places don't have to allow SD teams in, i.e., places of worship (Most aren't dicks.) the open air exhibits of zoos, no doggy swims in public pools, and, most of the time, ICUs and ORs, with a few rare exceptions, and a few others.

Here's some information about housing. https://www.anythingpawsable.com/hu...ords-service-dogs-and-emotional-support-dogs/. The wording is a little different, because, landlords have to allow ESA's in, too, but, it's basically the same.
 
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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
I was thinking maybe someone to drive you, who wasn't a parent, so they don't feel taken advantage of. Not that they do, more like, they know they aren't being taken advantage of. It'd be like, "Mom, dad, I love you. I love you so much, that now, driving me places is no longer your responsibility. I've hired this guy. Put your feet up, and know I'll be okay. You did a good job. It's break time now."

Yes. I've considered this and its something I should seriously look into. I don't know where though.
I could then possibly go to an ABDL munch and start meeting people, especially if I had a dog to help me get around and maybe to even break the ice.

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
Oh, heck yeah! With a cross-trained dog, not only wouldn't you be alone, you'd have a sighted leader, also trained to mitigate your anxiety! Again, heck yeah, you should! Your state was on your profile, so I did some looking, and you'll definitely need a professional trainer, but, there's no reason not to go for a private, non-program, trainer, as long as said trainer has experience with Leader/guide (not sure what the difference is, forgive me.) and Psychiatric Service Dogs. Is your anxiety issue diagnosed, and documented? Don't answer that. Just know, if not, you may have trouble justifying anxiety mitigation tasks, if it ever goes to court, which, it shouldn't, because, hell, you're partial blindness is.

Now, your doctor's letter, it should be a thing. You don't have to, and, as such, shouldn't, show it in public. No registration, ID, certification, or proof of Assistance Dogness, is required by law. Why not? Because legally, they're not dogs, but medical, or psychiatric, equipment. Would you want Big Daddy Gubment knowing if you used an oxygen tank, because you had to tell them? No? I thought not. The reason for the doctor's letter is, should you end up in court, the doctor is basically saying, "Yes, he's disabled, and, yes, he should have an Assistance Dog. I'm cool with that," and that could keep them from having to subpoena your medical records. And, it's anti-dirty liar insurance, because, if someone fakes, and they prove it, then, the faker, and the doctor who lied, both go to jail. Because people's needs change, don't get too descriptive with it. Remember, "Yes, disabled. Needs an Assistance Dog. I'm cool."

You should definitely keep a training log! For God's sake, training log, training log, training log! His basic, intermediate, and advanced training certificates, task training logs, his vaccine records, his rabies tag, the IAADP minimum standards for public access he's passed, his Canine Good Citizen thingy, if you decide to get it, keep it all, because, the appropriate time for a business owner to ask for it all, is during the training phase, so, have all that, for then, and for court.

Get some flight experience during the training phase, too. I used to have a list of the best airline policies for SDiTs, but, apparently, stupid me deleted it. Don't worry. I'm on it! I'm officially wound up, in a good way!

Once your 4-legged partner is active duty, the only 2 questions you can legally be asked, unless by a judge, are:

"Is that a Service Dog, required because of a disability?"

and,

"What work or tasks has the dog been trained to perform?"

For the record, those fancy Service Dog IDs prove nothing. The only reason they aren't illegal, is because it's just a dog ID, which every dog needs, with a law card on the back, and generic examples of work and tasks. I can see the appeal.

"Yeah, um. . . This dog works for me. Here's a little legal information. Bring him home quicker, and in better health, than a pet, please, and, think twice before stealing him. Thank you."

I think I'll make my own, with the answers to my 2 questions, the fact that he's chipped, and has a GPS tracker on his harness, the legal information, and, the fact that it's a courtesy, that keeps me from answering a million questions, and isn't required by law, on it.

How's that for planning?:lol: I don't even have a dog yet, but, I can tell you, he's a Shiloh Shepherd, and, I changed my mind. His name isn't Keeneye; it's Dobby, and yes, he'll have clothes. He'll work for me of his own free will, and, handlers usually put their dogs in shoes, to protect their paws.

Other things? Other things. . . Oh! Some places don't have to allow SD teams in, i.e., places of worship (Most aren't dicks.) the open air exhibits of zoos, no doggy swims in public pools, and, most of the time, ICUs and ORs, with a few rare exceptions.

WOW! Great information! Thank you SO much! I've thought about service dogs many times in my life but I guessI just never realized how much one could do for me. Seriously. I didn't know they could help me with much more than crossing the street or something but, wow. This could be what I need to finally stop feeling so stuck and finally find someone.

I have a lot to think about.
 
gnd567 said:
Yes. I've considered this and its something I should seriously look into. I don't know where though.
I could then possibly go to an ABDL munch and start meeting people, especially if I had a dog to help me get around and maybe to even break the ice.

WOW! Great information! Thank you SO much! I've thought about service dogs many times in my life but I guessI just never realized how much one could do for me. Seriously. I didn't know they could help me with much more than crossing the street or something but, wow. This could be what I need to finally stop feeling so stuck and finally find someone.

I have a lot to think about.

Be advised, I changed my second post a bit. Listen to it, or read it again. Also know that being a guide dog isn't enough. The dog has to behave like one, and, if your dog is being a little snot, you can be asked to leave. I can't find anything that says ESAs and PSDs need a doctor's letter, on anything other than a plane, but, I have heard of people having a hard time on other transportation, because they didn't have a letter, so, I figure that's a Department Of Transportation thing. Again, yours is also your eyes, so you shouldn't need a letter. This seems to be them blatantly not knowing what PSDs are, or, treating psychiatrically disabled people differently. It's being worked on.

Sorry not to have information regarding SDiTs on airlines, yet. They seem to be changing their policies, a lot. You might just need to call each one and ask. Also, keep in mind Air Hollywood K9 Flight School. [video]https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qiG7bDRWtfU[/video]

I plan to get travel-specific gear with no metal in it, and a non-travel set.
 
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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
Be advised, I changed my second post a bit. Listen to it, or read it again. Also know that being a guide dog isn't enough. The dog has to behave like one, and, if your dog is being a little snot, you can be asked to leave. I can't find anything that says ESAs and PSDs need a doctor's letter, on anything other than a plane, but, I have heard of people having a hard time on other transportation, because they didn't have a letter, so, I figure that's a Department Of Transportation thing. Again, yours is also your eyes, so you shouldn't need a letter. This seems to be them blatantly not knowing what PSDs are, or, treating psychiatrically disabled people differently. It's being worked on.

Sorry not to have information regarding SDiTs on airlines, yet. They seem to be changing their policies, a lot. You might just need to call each one and ask. Also, keep in mind Air Hollywood K9 Flight School. [video]https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qiG7bDRWtfU[/video]

I plan to get travel-specific gear with no metal in it, and a non-travel set.

Ok. I re-read it. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do yet but I will definitely do some research.
 
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