tsen said:
I know this sounds stupid but how many of you guys find yourselvs at ends conflicting your abdl side and adult side. For instance. I like to suck my thumb and have time to regress. I also vape and find myself about to have a nic fit after about two hours. I kinda feel that if i where to date that if i got desperate and ended up vaping in a onsie that they would be more freaked than if i stayed in charictor. In fact most nights i end up with a binky in or sucking my thumb. I dont know it seems lately adult me and kid me are not getting along maybe you guys have pointers or something.
My psychotherapist introduced the concept of "splitting" to me. It was interesting because, at times of extreme anxiety, I found myself feeling much more "little" as a coping-mechanism... but also detached from my adult self...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)
Apparently the "mentally healthy" way to cope with the conflict/incongruence is to recognise that, rather than having a kind-of "split personality", these two "modes" are just two parts of who you are -- the singular "inner you". The conflict comes about because the two sides demand contradictory things of you -- to have the self-image of a fully self-sustaining socially-acceptable adult, whilst also seeing yourself as vulnerable, child-like, and in need of love and care.
In reality, humans are all of these things. We are all vulnerable, and need love. But we also crave social status, which involves power, leadership and control. We are vulnerable, yet we must appear
not to be. The fear of reality, combined with the social expectation to be fearless is enough to drive anyone (such as myself) insane.
When I was in a dark place, and the splitting and denial of my adult self was at its worst... what helped was to recognise that there was nothing bad about my "little" side. My "adult" side criticised it, suppressed it, and tried to hide it... yet it's a harmless quirk. I like wearing nappies! Sometimes I sleep with a teddy bear! Who cares?!
For me, it really helped to see this "inner splitting" as a parent-child relationship... Me being both the parent and the child at the same time. I am ONE person, but my adult-side has to accept and love my child-side, and my child-side has to accept that my adult-side is far too concerned about what other people might think when most will never know, and those who do will be the ones who get to know the real you and won't be concerned about such trivialities.
Don't get wrapped up in abstract identities or question who you are. You are you. I am I. And they are they. Everyone has different sides to their character; ones that only certain people get to see... or ones that only come out on special occasions. Everyone has a false veneer. And everyone has secrets -- don't worry about yours.
Before you can love anyone else or help anyone or make the world a better place... you have to love yourself! You are amazing: one of the most intelligent lifeforms that has ever existed, with your own complexity and loveable quirks, and the ability to show your love and inspire others to be joyful, or creative, or caring, and to make the world (or even just your tiny spot on this Earth) just a little bit better.
It's okay to have "I feel like a kid" feelings and "I feel like an adult" feelings at the same time. There's no rule against it! It can be fun to role-play, but the rest of the time, why not just be YOU? If you are a good, kind, loving person, what else matters? If you want to diaper up and vape and enjoy feeling little inside, then go ahead! If it feels good, and it harms no one else, why feel shame about it? Make your own rules!