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Thread: Life Screams

  1. #1

    Default Life Screams

    So, I was listening to this song and then boom, I had a flashback. This is a support group, and this is something that I think all of us need to hear. I want to share a little of this.

    DISCLAIMER: MIGHT BE TOUGH TO READ

    So, I don't know if I've share my story like this. I mean, there is no much to say except to resume it in simple words. I was 16, I was in a deep depression, I wanted to die. I started hurting myself. Everyone was being driven mad by my Darkness. I was so gone, so despaired, so lonely. I was just a kid when I was diagnosed with Manic Depressive Illness (Affective Bipolar Disorder), and I was very bad. They tried anti psychotics and anti depressants, but I was very deep into it.

    For months, I stayed in bed, driven mad by my own inner voice and my own self-hatred.

    Now I listen to this song and I remember that kid. Man, he was so scared. He was afraid.

    Afraid to be happy.

    Back then, the idea of being happy scared me more than stayed in the dark. It was a weird feeling. Darkness had become addictive, seducing and comfortable even. I wanted to get better, but I didn't know who would I be once I became well.

    For two years, I spent in constant falls, constant heartbreak. I was committed into psychiatric facilities, but the quality of the first one was very bad, and the nurses abused the patients. Someone tried to rape me the second night. I never cried to hard as that night.

    But I held on. I don't know why. I held on.

    Then, the ECT (Electroshock Therapy) came. My brain was electrocuted. It was a tough experience, it was painful, and it hurt my mind.

    But eventually, I got better. In time, things seemed less eerie.

    Guys, all those experiences, followed by all my falls the past 10 were very tough. I am still healing those wounds.

    But never forget that there is so much strenght withing you. I pulled though. I managed to find the Light again, by holding the hand of my loved ones, my family and friends. I managed to hold myself and pull my own spirit forward.

    Yes, sometimes it is very difficult to stand back up. Life will push you, but also life screams for you to make it. And eventually, you will reach the other side. No fear. No Darkness. Just Light.

    It won't be eternal, there will be bad days. Sometimes you won't be able to even stand up. But you'll make it.

    Just have faith in yourself, learn to slowly love yourself.

    You'll make it.

    I hope my message reminds you that there is always light inside of you. And that it will guide you back home.

    Guys, if you ever need to talk about anything, your struggles, hit me up.

    I know not everyone has struggled like me. Some have struggled more. Some have struggle less. But if, I small teenager with so much pain inside could make it, so can anyone. Anytime.

    Remember, life screams at you to wake up a and fight back.

    Love,
    Enrique

  2. #2

    Default

    No wonder your parents, family and friends are so supportive, even with being AB/DL. There probably relieved to see you happy. If you can be happy, and I think you are, you've come a long way.

    I have trouble defining happiness since my wife died. I know what deep depression does. I have days I just go to bed because it's easier than dealing with my thoughts. Other days are better and I wonder why one day is horrible and the following day bearable. I have no idea. I talked with a friend on Sunday about going to a grief group that she's involved with. She's going to send me their literature.

    You and I have talked about mental facilities before and yes, they're terrifying. I'm glad you are a survivor. I think I said to a member in another thread that we wear our "red badges of courage". Sometimes, it takes courage to just get through the day. Since my wife died, I hate holidays, and this is the 4th of July week. Everything on TV is filled with commercials of families grilling out and having fun. I loved doing that with my wife when our kids were young. Now, I grill out for just myself as I have to eat something. My kids are adults now, and they're all somewhere else enjoying their families while they are on vacation.

    So life kicks us in the teeth and we fall down. Getting up and getting our lives on some sort of productive track is the challenge. It sounds like you've done a great job with this and I applaud you for it. I started out in life, especially as a young adult, in a fairly good place. Now it's like I'm starting over, trying to find meaning for the last years of my life. It's a challenge but I'm not giving up. Sometimes it makes me mad when I run in the same ruts because I know I need some new paths to follow. That's my challenge at the moment. It takes work.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    No wonder your parents, family and friends are so supportive, even with being AB/DL. There probably relieved to see you happy. If you can be happy, and I think you are, you've come a long way.

    I have trouble defining happiness since my wife died. I know what deep depression does. I have days I just go to bed because it's easier than dealing with my thoughts. Other days are better and I wonder why one day is horrible and the following day bearable. I have no idea. I talked with a friend on Sunday about going to a grief group that she's involved with. She's going to send me their literature.

    You and I have talked about mental facilities before and yes, they're terrifying. I'm glad you are a survivor. I think I said to a member in another thread that we wear our "red badges of courage". Sometimes, it takes courage to just get through the day. Since my wife died, I hate holidays, and this is the 4th of July week. Everything on TV is filled with commercials of families grilling out and having fun. I loved doing that with my wife when our kids were young. Now, I grill out for just myself as I have to eat something. My kids are adults now, and they're all somewhere else enjoying their families while they are on vacation.

    So life kicks us in the teeth and we fall down. Getting up and getting our lives on some sort of productive track is the challenge. It sounds like you've done a great job with this and I applaud you for it. I started out in life, especially as a young adult, in a fairly good place. Now it's like I'm starting over, trying to find meaning for the last years of my life. It's a challenge but I'm not giving up. Sometimes it makes me mad when I run in the same ruts because I know I need some new paths to follow. That's my challenge at the moment. It takes work.
    Yeah, it does takes work.

    dogboy, I'm sorry if I've ever seemed insensitive about your wife. Truth be told, I have dealt with mental illness, depression and even thoughts and suicidal actions. I have been despaired. But I don't really know how to deal with loss. I am sorry you lost your wife, but it seems you guys had a good life. Instead of dwelling on her absence, try to cherish those memories. Try to move on. I know, it's sooooo freaking hard. But you're strong. You'll find yourself on your feet again.

    And yes, my family and friends know that my baby side makes me happy. And I've always believed it was these experiences that make them think that me being a happy baby is much better than a depressed person. So yeah, I know their love for me is strong.

    Hugs.

  4. #4

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