Possibly the worst insult/accusation I've ever had thrown at me >:(

I have no idea where to put this. This isn't anything AB/DL related, it's just something that pissed me off. Also, I've seen a lot of rules about content on here, so I'll warn you in advance, the insult was delivered in very poor taste, so please no admins/mods come down on me for this.

My town has these gatherings every few months where the cops and some town officials will come to a restaurant and the whole town will come to socialize. There's one cop that I talk to all the time, and he happens to have a 10-year-old daughter. I don't really talk to her, not due to anything other than the fact that I never thought of doing so. We occasionally say hi to each other, and I've sometimes had to ask her where her father is, but that's it. Tonight, I forgot exactly who she was until I saw her father nearby, and she kept staring at me. I finally said hi to her to break the tension, and she gave me an awkward wave back. I told my mother about that on the way home, only because it was kinda funny. My mother's answer was "Well, sometimes, when you're into a girl, she may get a bit shy." From there, it devolved into a screaming match between me and my mother, just like every other normal discussion we have. In a tongue-in-cheek way, my own mother called me a pedophile. She's done this several times in the past, including accusing me of downloading child porn (which I've never done and never will do) and having a crush on a girl that was five years younger than me. (At the time, I was 16 and she was 11; the girl and her mother went ape shit, and her father was too far away to hear my mother's remark. If he had been closer, he would've went after me.) My mother is the queen of delivering insulting remarks, but this may be one of her lowest insults yet. As for a way to end this constructively, how can I make my mother shut the hell up, because I AM TIRED OF HEARING HER!

Is your mom a narcissist or what?

It's funny how things can be taken depending on the context of a relationship. If my mother said that to me in the same situation, I would know it was intended as a joke and we'd chuckle and move along.

I'm sorry you don't have this same kind of relationship.

This is a horrible situation :hugs:

Any opportunity to put some living arrangement distance between you and your mother?

I feel sorry for the kid as well, she probably really wanted someone to talk too and now you are probably going to be hypersensitive about any interaction with her for fear of being misunderstood.

Is there some context for you mother to say something so far out of the norm? It just seems really strange. I used to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations with my mom when I was in college because I was never with another girl, but I was always with a guy. She was slowly figuring it out that I was living a gay life style. I also would occasionally bring my college boy friend home for the weekend. This was back in the day when boys were wearing their hair long, as was I, and my mom would say, "How can you tell if they're a boy or a girl?!!!" And I would say, "Oh....I can tell by their ass." Yeah, that probably didn't help a lot.....haha.

I'm really sorry to hear that you have this amount of tension between you and your mother :hug:

Communication is usually the key to good relationships but it sounds like that is difficult in your current situation so definitely tread lightly in order to avoid conflict or hurt feelings on both sides. There might be other misunderstandings in the way of a positive relationship between you two that could be solved by just talking to each other about misconceptions or feelings but definitely tread lightly because you don't want to say anything you don't mean and can't take back while being angry at her.

I hope things improve for you and your relationship with her.

I'll go one by one.

2. I assume she is, but she might be a few levels above a narcissist. Some of her insults are so off the wall that there's no possible way to respond. When I refused to get my hair cut anymore (around age 10), she came home and told my father that "our son has an identity crisis" right in front of me. She has called my school accusing me of stealing her money, cigarettes (those two go hand in hand, and it doesn't take long to find out where either of those go), phone, and car keys. I had a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my room once (I forget what for), and she started screaming that now I was trying to be an alcoholic. Every friend I have gets called a drug addict or a criminal, every girl I talk to is called my girlfriend, and she makes ignorant comments to all of them, chasing most of them away. "Narcissist" may be sugarcoating it a bit.

3. I agree, sometimes people can joke like that. I have friends that bust on me whenever I talk to a girl, but at least the people I go for are around my age. This girl was half my age. I'm not knocking you and your mom, and I wish I had the relationship you two have. I don't know whether my mother wanted to accuse me of being a pedophile or just wanted to make a controversial statement, but either way it didn't do anything for me except piss me off. She was probably thrilled, but I was pissed. Judging the horse by its track record, it was definitely done in poor taste, and it served no purpose except to start a fight. Her mother is like it, she's like it, and quite a few of her friends are like it.

4. I was planning to move out, then she started chipping away at my money. That included holding my dead dog's body for ransom (I had to pay her bills or she would tell the vet to not return his ashes) and having me arrested on a bogus assault charge (resulting in a $750 legal bill). Every time I turn around, I have to pull money out to cover another problem she caused me. In less than one year, I've gone from $4,000 to under $1,000, and one more arrest at her hands will bankrupt me and possibly land me in jail. As much as I'd love to get out of here, it's unfortunately not an option. As for the kid at the event, I'd have no problem talking to her. I won't be able to look at her without thinking of my mother's stupid-ass comment, but it's not the kid's fault. If she's anything like her father, she's probably a good kid, so if she's up for conversation, so am I. No one else really has a problem when I talk to someone younger. In fact, the only time there's a problem is when my mother and her controversial games cause a problem.

5. As for why she'd say something so wild, it's either because she thinks I'm actually that sick to be into a ten year old girl, she wants to see me get upset (mainly because I can't stand it when she throws an ignorant comment my way), or because she wants a fight to happen. I obviously fought with her, only because she's not going to accuse me/insinuate that I'm a pedophile without me defending myself. Uncomfortable conversations are my mother's favorite kind of conversations. She loves discussing my shortcomings, and she loves discussing things that are either flat-out lies or unfounded rumors that she loves to stir up. She's been cracking on my long hair as long as I had it, and even though I tried to grow it long as early as 3, she would always complain that I looked like a girl and that I was trying to be one. So yeah, the long hair thing was going on here, too. Every girl I look at gets called my girlfriend (even when they're half my age), and it's a wonder she hasn't said that about some guys, too. The only reason she doesn't accept anything about me is because that generates more animosity. She has an LGBT child that she calls a faggot but she also has a gay boss that she likes. She called one of my few black friends the N word but she likes to bond with her predominantly black coworkers, and the girl next door (her friend/accomplice) has a black boyfriend and a black kid. She calls all of my friend drug addicts and said that one of my best friends did some drug that messed up her voice and her head (this girl has a learning disability, ADD, ADHD, and a speech impediment; also, my mother claims to be an expert on autism and mental illness), when one of her favorite coworkers was high as a kite the last time I saw him. She accepts what gets her somewhere, and rejects what gets her a fight. Basically, she's a tabloid with two legs and a pulse.

6. I've been hoping for improvement for over a decade, but I kinda gave up on that a while ago. She's told me to kill myself as young as 12, and I ended up attempting it about three months ago. I've communicated my feelings to her multiple times, and all she does is deny, justify, or fight over petty details just so she can say she's right about something. As cold as it sounds, the nicer something is that I've said, the more I've regretted saying it. The only reason I feel this way is because she does nothing but harass and insult me, and I feel like love is something she doesn't deserve. I try to just say nothing to her and stay away from her, but she still finds a way to start a fight. In a perfect world, my mother would've been a nice person, and this wouldn't be a problem. As for this incident, we probably would've just laughed at the girl staring at me and left it that, and other situations in the past and the future would've ended the same way. My 80-something year old aunt's idea was "you two should sit down one night and talk out all your differences." As far as I'm concerned, my relationship with my mother ended the day she told me "if I'm too mean for you, find a bridge and jump." Some relationships, especially toxic ones like mine, are better off ended than mended. I'm sorry if I totally shit on your comment, that wasn't my intention. I wish we could talk all of this out, but we would both have to tread lightly. And it would take a lot of time. After all, we have 19 years of problems between us, so if it's possible to repair our relationship, it will take a lot of time and a lot of work.

Thank you all for the advice so far, please keep it coming! <3

Wow Starlight; I wish I'd seen this thread sooner so you weren't stuck with no answer for two days. Anyhow, I echo others' sentiment that you need to get out of there.. pronto. I just did a little Googling for you and you could start by calling NJ Family Violence Hotline: 800-572-7233. They may be able to point you to somewhere that you could get some temporary financial and/or housing assistance to escape this abuse. Also, try the National Domestic Violence Hotline to see what other help/guidance they can provide: 800-799-7233. There is a good support organization called ASCA; look them up and see if they have meetings in your area. If not, they have online Skype meetings twice a week I think. Let me know if you need help finding them.

Wow teddytugger, those are some great resources, and I'm definitely saving those. Thanks! Keep it coming guys!

i know someone just like your mom, don't be afraid to move out on your own right away, you might not know where or who to stay with just look for another place to stay cause stress won't fix situation when stress doesn't let us think clearly. maybe the relationship can be fixed, i can't give you advice on fixing relationship cause i left someone just like your mom, very similar, aways blames,yells at when angry actually all their anger was blamed on me, criticize me for everything, that some examples, i moved out, at first it was i would hear the screams at me then i remember that was having flashbacks,i don't have the screaming towards me flashbacks anymore. I've think about my experience for years and i think the person had regrets, guilty of something that would cause the person anger issues. it's that i come to the conclusion after is cause my mind was fogged up during. i hope the best for you.