indigodl
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 57
- Role
- Adult Baby
- Diaper Lover
- Sissy
A while ago I posted about the fact I've been DL for a LONG time (30+ years), but only recently plucked up the courage to actually BUY adult diapers. BOY do I love it, I just wishing I'd plucked up the courage earlier, I'm kicking myself for letting all those years go by :-( Over the few months I've also obviously bumped into the AB side, something I'd not seriously considered before, but started wondering what it would feel like.
I went ahead and bought an adult pacifier, what harm could it do? The first time using it was scary feeling like I was about to step down a rabbit hole, butI felt instantly relaxed. So I went a step further and bought a onesie, this is STUPID I thought... STOP! but again, I've worn it lots now (luckily I work from home by myself a couple of times a week) and every time it makes me feel safe and smile, I LOVE it.
All great right? Well not quite, now for the hard part. I've been married 20+ years and I'd never discussed this with her, it was a secret that was to remain locked away inside me and NOBODY was to ever find out. Yes I know this breaks all the rules about leaving it so long, but way back then there wasn't any internet, no way to know this was something other people felt, so I locked it away deep inside and had it under control, well until recently!
Quite a few months ago I decided I had to approach the subject with my wife, because she should know this part of me and because if I keep buying diapers she's eventually going to possibly see some of the transactions (although I've become a PRO at sneaking bits of money away without any trace!). A while ago I posted about how this went, but in a word TERRIBLE, I did EVERYTHING wrong, it was so deeply locked up that I just couldn't get the words out. On the second attempt a week later I was a LOT calmer and managed to get the word diapers out. The response was calm, but I think she was just pretending I hadn't said anything.
A couple of days later I bought the conversation up again with "that thing we were talking about a few days ago..", but it got shut down quite hard and the shame hit and I left it there. So here we are, MONTHS later, she kind of knows but has NO idea that I have a stash in the house and wear regularly and quite frankly I'm not brave enough to bring it up.
This status quo works, but I really WISH I didn't have to be so secret. It goes without saying that it needs to be hidden from everybody else such as kids and quite frankly I'm an absolute PRO and hiding things, (seriously I think I could be an international spy)!
Sometimes it feels like I'm living two completely different lives. I seem to have got quite good at compartmentalizing them, even to a point where the other day I KNEW a road had delays (because I'd been down it the day before to secretly buy diapers), but I still let her drive the car down there because I couldn't mention I knew about the problems. If something were to happen to me and she did eventually find and open the box, I have NO idea what she'd think.
Anyway, that's my story, it doesn't really have a point, other than I'm a coward. On the plus side, the months spent reading stuff on here have helped me process those years of shame to the point that I don't feel shame at myself for having these thoughts, so I guess that's progress!
I went ahead and bought an adult pacifier, what harm could it do? The first time using it was scary feeling like I was about to step down a rabbit hole, butI felt instantly relaxed. So I went a step further and bought a onesie, this is STUPID I thought... STOP! but again, I've worn it lots now (luckily I work from home by myself a couple of times a week) and every time it makes me feel safe and smile, I LOVE it.
All great right? Well not quite, now for the hard part. I've been married 20+ years and I'd never discussed this with her, it was a secret that was to remain locked away inside me and NOBODY was to ever find out. Yes I know this breaks all the rules about leaving it so long, but way back then there wasn't any internet, no way to know this was something other people felt, so I locked it away deep inside and had it under control, well until recently!
Quite a few months ago I decided I had to approach the subject with my wife, because she should know this part of me and because if I keep buying diapers she's eventually going to possibly see some of the transactions (although I've become a PRO at sneaking bits of money away without any trace!). A while ago I posted about how this went, but in a word TERRIBLE, I did EVERYTHING wrong, it was so deeply locked up that I just couldn't get the words out. On the second attempt a week later I was a LOT calmer and managed to get the word diapers out. The response was calm, but I think she was just pretending I hadn't said anything.
A couple of days later I bought the conversation up again with "that thing we were talking about a few days ago..", but it got shut down quite hard and the shame hit and I left it there. So here we are, MONTHS later, she kind of knows but has NO idea that I have a stash in the house and wear regularly and quite frankly I'm not brave enough to bring it up.
This status quo works, but I really WISH I didn't have to be so secret. It goes without saying that it needs to be hidden from everybody else such as kids and quite frankly I'm an absolute PRO and hiding things, (seriously I think I could be an international spy)!
Sometimes it feels like I'm living two completely different lives. I seem to have got quite good at compartmentalizing them, even to a point where the other day I KNEW a road had delays (because I'd been down it the day before to secretly buy diapers), but I still let her drive the car down there because I couldn't mention I knew about the problems. If something were to happen to me and she did eventually find and open the box, I have NO idea what she'd think.
Anyway, that's my story, it doesn't really have a point, other than I'm a coward. On the plus side, the months spent reading stuff on here have helped me process those years of shame to the point that I don't feel shame at myself for having these thoughts, so I guess that's progress!