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Thread: Recovering from substance abuse.

  1. #1

    Default Recovering from substance abuse.

    Hello all. I havenít made an OP here yet, so I kinda figured this would be a decent place to start.

    Even if you stop reading this now, learn one thing from my hard-learned mistakes. Donít play with drugs.

    A little over a year ago, I was going through a very dark patch in my life. Like for most young adults, illicit substances were in abundance. To block out the pain I often turned to high doses of LSD, and probably the occasional research chemical I thought was LSD. i loved it. There was pretty colors, and it took me out of my own body for awhile. I had many more experiences with other chemicals, but this is the one that truly hurt me. I used to take so much that my walls would swirl for days after. I noticed aftereffects, but I was certain theyíd disappear. Thatís what the internet told me anyways.

    Itís been almost a year since my last drop. Tracers and bright lights stain my vision, I see colors and things that arenít there, not only in my peripherals, but the center of my vision as well. Social interaction became not only difficult for me, but it became something I now try to avoid because I feel as if an invisible string attatches to the other people Iím talking to and I have to think 3-4 times about what Iím about to say. I feel so smart when Iím brainstorming ideas or Iím working, but I often make myself look like a fool.

    This chemical influences so neurologically, and it affects my abdl side as well. Iím deathly afraid of having an accident in public, so urges come way sooner than they normally did resulting in me visiting the bathroom at least once an hour. I canít determine whether I broke something in my body, my brain, or both.

    I know I canít do anything for myself. The damage has been done. I hate living with these mistakes though. It makes it hard for me to love. Hard for me to be happy. But Iím doing my best. If anybody else has any experience like this and how it affected them as an abdl, please do share. This community has proven time and time again I ainít alone, I hope it can do it again.

  2. #2

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    HI and welcome to the site. I did a lot of drugs when I was in college, which was back in the late '60s. It certainly was the age for drug experimentation. Though I mostly smoked pot, I also dropped acid as well as downers. Like you, I was in a bad place for some of my college years and I had emotional problems trying to figure out just who I was supposed to be. I was a student at a famous music conservatory in Princeton.

    Eventually all the drugs, the Vietnam War and trying to figure out my sexual orientation led me to a psychotic break and I had to see a psychiatrist at a residential mental facility. I was an out patient.

    I think all you can do is take this one day at a time and hope that things mellow out. I'm guessing you are under the care of a doctor or several doctors? Sometimes the mistakes we make when we are young follow us the rest of our days and we have to learn how to cope. A good psychiatrist may hope you to find and develop some coping skills.

    As for me, after graduation, I walked away from my past life. I knew I had to do it if I was to survive. Fortunately I only took acid once. That's a very rough trip and constant use can do exactly what it did to you. Keep telling and reminding yourself as to what is real and what isn't.

    We're a good group on this site and you can always talk to any of us.

  3. #3

    Default

    Thank you so much for your comment, Dogboy. Itís very reassuring to read.

    I need to stay away from professional help for awhile. I think, as of right now, itís something I can bear. Should the issues escalate Iíll take seeing a pro into consideration, but currently I have my plate full.

    My primary goal is to buy a place of my own. Iím on track to buy a place next year. My work life is only getting better and better, as Iíve already been promoted twice, and itís something I take pride in. That was what made me walk away from it all. I feel an issue like this is unsafe to talk about because of my career. I canít risk what makes me feel the most satisfied. But these side affects have really been messing with me recently, so weíll see.

    It seems to me, you went through worse. I havenít broken yet, and Iím doing my best to keep myself happy. Aside from this little issue, I love my life.

    And I canít say this issue is all bad. I donít rely on chemicals for fun anymore. I hardly even drink anymore. Itís probably been 3 months since my last drink. I never had a problem with alcohol, but at this point I view all chemicals like this in the same way.
    A distraction.

  4. #4

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    It sounds like you are doing well. After I married my wife, three years after college, we bought our first house and it holds some of my fondest memories. It was an old, two story frame with a big front porch. It had two bedrooms and one bathroom, but it was ours. It gave us privacy and a place where I could play my music as loud as I wanted. We started our family and life was good for a long time until diabetes caught up with my wife this October.

    With a little luck and some time, your symptoms should lessen. Work is a great way to concentrate on a task and a way to direct your mind away from the past trips. Ironically, I still keep in touch with my best friend from college, the one I smoked with. I think we will always be close. Having a good friend is also a great way to cope with the bad things that life can throw at you.

  5. #5

    Default

    Sounds like you have HPPD

    Exercise, meditation, good sound sleep, and a healthy diet. This won't fix itself over night, but by making positive changes to your lifestyle you can accelerate the process.

    You've done a hell of a job so far. It's hard to distance yourself from a substance that makes you feel so at peace and one with everything. Good on you for recognizing a problem, doing something about it, and asking for advice.

    Therapy never hurts, but that is your decision.

  6. #6

    Default

    It's just your brain interpreting patterns in visual noise differently, nothing to be worried about.

    Like looking at the classic Rorsharch blot, you don't see anything of note until your brain re-interprets the random noise into familiar imagery and you see two dancing bears, and then two dancing bears becomes the first thing you see every time because that pattern has now been imprinted in your brain as "image of two dancing bears," despite really just being a random pattern in ink. Tryps allow your mind to see patterns that your brain wouldn't normally have seen because of the cross talk it generates between your visual cortex and other areas of the brain that don't normally interface with it. Some of these stick around afterwords because of tryptamines' neuroplastic effects reforming your prior impressions. Now that you've seen those patterns, it's difficult to unsee them, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.


  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Orange View Post
    It's just your brain interpreting patterns in visual noise differently, nothing to be worried about.

    Like looking at the classic Rorsharch blot, you don't see anything of note until your brain re-interprets the random noise into familiar imagery and you see two dancing bears, and then two dancing bears becomes the first thing you see every time because that pattern has now been imprinted in your brain as "image of two dancing bears," despite really just being a random pattern in ink. Tryps allow your mind to see patterns that your brain wouldn't normally have seen because of the cross talk it generates between your visual cortex and other areas of the brain that don't normally interface with it. Some of these stick around afterwords because of tryptamines' neuroplastic effects reforming your prior impressions. Now that you've seen those patterns, it's difficult to unsee them, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
    My dude, I dig your philosophy and positive take on this situation, however op has described some low tone depersonalization/derealization and hppd from their over-use of psychedelics. You might want to look into harm reduction regarding psychedelics, you seem like you just started and found your psychedelic ego(the one that says, "drugs are awesome and you need to see what I saw").

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Rooky View Post
    My dude, I dig your philosophy and positive take on this situation,
    Thanks man.



    Quote Originally Posted by Rooky View Post
    however op has described some low tone depersonalization/derealization and hppd from their over-use of psychedelics. You might want to look into harm reduction regarding psychedelics, you seem like you just started and found your psychedelic ego(the one that says, "drugs are awesome and you need to see what I saw").
    Lol.

    Nope. I did (a lot of) psychedelics for what, seven or eight years but the only one I still occasionally use is DMT. I'm basically #drugfree now, comparatively speaking.

    And as far as HR goes, I used to test vendors and post the results as a community resource on a couple onion services and some dnm subs (though not the main one) back in the day and spent a pretty silly amount of time and money doing so. I was in deep, my dude. OP's question is a common one and I've answered similar ones elsewhere many times.
    Last edited by Orange; 17 Hours Ago at 16:10.

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