How to get to the "second" talk

After being in a relationship for over two years, I finally told my girlfriend about my diaper fetish. Just to give you a little background, my interests range in both AB/DL.

It was a very long conversation but was largely greeted with a clouded acceptance of "don't really get it, but okay." Obviously I'm very passionate about her as she was the first girl I've ever told.

It was good to finally lift the weight of hiding it off my shoulders. Her conditions, however, were pretty firm. She wasn't going to engage and she had no desire to see me in them. So now it's just this "thing" she knows about me and it's never been brought up again.

I am not trying to get her to engage in any of the acts of wearing with me but I would like to talk more about it. I've given her a lot of space with it as it's been several months since I told her. Any advice or experience with getting the "second" conversation to talk more about it?

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I was in a similar situation about 5 years ago. My first girlfriend outside of high school was the first girl/romantic partner I ever divulged my interests to. She was accepting, but did not participate and did not want me wearing around her and that was fine, you can love someone and not share mutual interests. In that relationship, we seldom talked about my little side, diapers or anything else related unless it came up off the cuff, through an isolated comment in casual conversation.

My advice to you would probably be, don't rock the boat. You have a girlfriend that knows of this side of you, understands it (to some extent) and who is willing to let you engage, enjoy that, some people don't even get that much. I don't know what you stand to gain from having a second conversation with someone who clearly doesn't want to bring it up again. Conversing with her about this might help you build more confidence in this side of yourself and give you someone to talk to, but you can build confidence and talk with other ABDL's by posting your concerns here.

I feel that there are two issues that could arise from you fishing for another conversation or instigating one when she hasn't; #1, while well intentioned, you might wind up pushing her away and #2, she might misconstrue an innocent conversation or quip and take it as you wanting her to get more involved (this happened with my first girlfriend shortly after I told her about my AB side and it led to a few arguments). I caution you of this because you sound really happy with this person and I don't want you getting hurt or upset if a second conversation doesn't go well. Bottom line, if she wanted to learn more or potentially engage, she would have brought it up again.

Maybe, if you can find an opening in casual conversation, you can have a little talk, but until she sends that signal or until it comes up, I'd advise against trying too hard to have another conversation. Hold out hope though, there is always the possibility that the longer you two are together the more she will warm up to this and it may become a part of your everyday dialogue ( I have heard of such things happening).

Hi intfusmil,

First, good on you for having the courage to tell your girlfriend about this part of yourself. Being honest and open in a relationship is always the best policy.

Second, however, ask yourself how important it is to you for her to not only know about this part of you, but to embrace it. I had a similar experience with my now soon to be ex-wife back when we were dating. I told her and she was accepting in that it was a not a deal breaker for her provided she never had to see or deal with it. I thought I was okay with that, but the truth was I wasn't okay with that. I needed the ABDL part of me to be nurtured and acknowledged sexually in some way. I have learned that people do not change who they are deep down inside. Yes, people evolve on certain topics, but when it comes to sex and understanding fetishes, people in my experience are pretty set.

So, it would not be fair to ask her to change and be more accepting of this for you if that's not what she's comfortable with. You must respect that. However, you must also respect yourself and ask yourself if this is how you want your relationship to be. Do you really want her to simply know about this part of you but essentially hide it from her? Ask yourself, will this cause me to resent her over time? Do I really want someone to participate in some aspect of ABDL with me? Am I okay for the rest of this relationship and (depending on what happens) for the rest of my life hiding this part of who I am from her?

I can't tell you what to do or what will work for you because I'm not you, I don't know you, and I don't know your girlfriend. But I do know that for me, because I tried to hide this part of myself for so long, it took a huge toll on me and our relationship. We didn't divorce solely because of ABDL, but it sure didn't help. I want and need a partner that will know about this part of me and that will indulge some aspect of it in the bedroom. I'm brave and honest enough to say that now, but I wasn't before. You were very brave and took the first awesome step in telling her - good for you. Just think very deeply and carefully about what happens next because you both deserve to have your needs met by a loving, caring partner. If it's not meant to be, there are others out there who very well may be happy to meet the needs of this part of who you are.

I hope you take my reply to your post in the spirit of advice from someone who's been there before and nothing more. The great part about advice is you can take it or leave it. I wish you and your girlfriend the best.

Be well.

TabulaRasa2017 said:

Hi intfusmil,

Second, however, ask yourself how important it is to you for her to not only know about this part of you, but to embrace it. I had a similar experience with my now soon to be ex-wife back when we were dating. I told her and she was accepting in that it was a not a deal breaker for her provided she never had to see or deal with it. I thought I was okay with that, but the truth was I wasn't okay with that. I needed the ABDL part of me to be nurtured and acknowledged sexually in some way. I have learned that people do not change who they are deep down inside. Yes, people evolve on certain topics, but when it comes to sex and understanding fetishes, people in my experience are pretty set.

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This too, so much this! Excellent point TabulaRasa2017!

This was something that ended my previous 2 relationships, including the one I wrote about in my post above. For a while, I was content to have her acknowledge that I was an AB and I was happy that she let me indulge on my own, but towards the end of our relationship, I started wondering what it would be like to have someone who was not just understanding but committed, someone who didn't just passively know, but wanted to actively engage. As a result of this, we grew distant and parted ways after nearly 3 years.

I now have a Mommy friend and I personally know that I need this type of nurturing play/connection in my life in some form. Intfusmil, you might be the same?

Poofybutt said:

This too, so much this! Excellent point TabulaRasa2017!

This was something that ended my previous 2 relationships, including the one I wrote about in my post above. For a while, I was content to have her acknowledge that I was an AB and I was happy that she let me indulge on my own, but towards the end of our relationship, I started wondering what it would be like to have someone who was not just understanding but committed, someone who didn't just passively know, but wanted to actively engage. As a result of this, we grew distant and parted ways after nearly 3 years.

I now have a Mommy friend and I personally know that I need this type of nurturing play/connection in my life in some form. Intfusmil, you might be the same?

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Thanks, Poofybutt. I'm not looking to tell anyone what to do with their life and with significant other, but I wish someone had told me what I relayed to intfusmil and anyone else in a similar situation so that I at least had that perspective.

But, intfusmil, I also want you to understand that you should make these choices for yourself. Some people here and elsewhere have told me they are in happy long term relationships with someone who knows about their ABDL but does not indulge. To each their own. Just be true to what you need because you've got just one life and it's best to get your needs met. One of my favorite bumper stickers said, "Don't die wondering." Good advice, in my opinion.

Be well.

Wasn't sure who to reply to first so hopefully this will cover most of it.

I appreciate all the input, it would probably help if I expanded a little more...

I'm not sure what I want to gain from the second conversation it just seems weird that it's gone off into the abyss. While I think we should all carry some degree of confidence about this side of us, we should also be humble in understanding it's not outwardly viewed as the most normal thing. For that, I'd like to reopen the dialogue to make sure she's okay with everything and not harboring it. I don't have an ulterior motive to get her to engage in the act...

It almost feels like...in some ways it would be better to keep a secret and she never knew instead of the state it's in now if that makes any sense.

Like most of us, it's something I've carried around for several years, been through all the binge and purge cycles and freedoms into adulthood and also silently through many relationships. It was good to finally tell her, and something I ultimately thought was smart to do before marriage.

The one thing we discussed over the first conversation is that I wanted to not have to be as discreet about where I was storing or purchasing products as I often buy locally and store in my car. I travel for work and that affords me a lot of freedom to wear. I'm still essentially "hiding" them but would like to maybe give a heads up (almost as a courtesy) on days that I'm wearing or not so I don't have to be caught or "embarrassed" if I would get home later than her or something.

Quite a ramble but hope it makes sense. I promise it's not something I want to flaunt but feel like we could crack the ice a little further so we are both more comfortable.

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Do y'all ever divulge into close and personal conversation? Do y'all ever want to say so many things to each other at one time that the subjects keep changing? Like y'all are both really opening up? If y'all do anything like that, it would be a good way to bring up the AB/DL topic. Casually slide it into conversation. When I first told my partner which was in a letter because I'm a coward, he offered acceptance, but didn't seem interested in participating. Of course for me, he warmed up 4-5 months later and actually engaged into wanting to be my daddy.BUT, what I'm getting at is in that time period, I too did want to talk about it to gain full and complete acceptance and just to have someone to talk to. I do understand that feeling. There are so many ways you could bring it up. Say you forgot your diapers somewhere and ask it as like a huge favor from your partner to retrieve them. She knows. You don't have to act like it doesn't exist around her. Wear in front of her. Like under your pants and have your diaper poking out. Just do it casually and often enough to help her provoke the conversation. You can directly bring up the conversation or just try to discreetly provoke her into having the conversation. I don't know if you will take this advice, but it is something I would do. I would want somebody to talk to in person rather than online people. Having that acceptance in person whether if they participate or not, is gratifying.

intfusmil said:

Wasn't sure who to reply to first so hopefully this will cover most of it.

I appreciate all the input, it would probably help if I expanded a little more...

I'm not sure what I want to gain from the second conversation it just seems weird that it's gone off into the abyss. While I think we should all carry some degree of confidence about this side of us, we should also be humble in understanding it's not outwardly viewed as the most normal thing. For that, I'd like to reopen the dialogue to make sure she's okay with everything and not harboring it. I don't have an ulterior motive to get her to engage in the act...

It almost feels like...in some ways it would be better to keep a secret and she never knew instead of the state it's in now if that makes any sense.

Like most of us, it's something I've carried around for several years, been through all the binge and purge cycles and freedoms into adulthood and also silently through many relationships. It was good to finally tell her, and something I ultimately thought was smart to do before marriage.

The one thing we discussed over the first conversation is that I wanted to not have to be as discreet about where I was storing or purchasing products as I often buy locally and store in my car. I travel for work and that affords me a lot of freedom to wear. I'm still essentially "hiding" them but would like to maybe give a heads up (almost as a courtesy) on days that I'm wearing or not so I don't have to be caught or "embarrassed" if I would get home later than her or something.

Quite a ramble but hope it makes sense. I promise it's not something I want to flaunt but feel like we could crack the ice a little further so we are both more comfortable.

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

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Hi intfusmil,

I hear what you're saying and I am totally on the same wavelength in that our fetish is not as common as some forms of BDSM. I think you wear more than I do (it's occasional for me, often once or twice a month), so I also get that this not something you feel you want to "flaunt" with her. You're just trying to give her a heads-up and that's understandable.

I'm certainly no wise sage in these matters, but I have come to believe that people who truly love you accept all of you. My experience is that while there is the temptation to keep these things secret and not "screw up" a great relationship, it is still a secret and burden, and that becomes a liability sooner or later. Again, I don't know you and your situation really, but your thread just really reminded me of how I tried to be with my ex.

Just another observation about ABDL is that in the end it is part of who we are and it is a need, but then again so many people feel that way about other kinks (i.e., they can't be happy without some aspect of them). I wonder if because of all the shame and embarrassment and difficulties we have with ABDL ourselves if we make it harder for our partners to accept this. In other words, we often approach our conversations about this with trepidation and guilt and remorse, and I wonder if the dynamics would be different if we put positive spins on it. For example, if it is a sexual need, then putting it in the context of "this is something special to me, and you're a special person in my life, and I'm sharing this with you because you're so important to me" might be a better approach. I've read advice about telling your partner about kink in general that goes along those lines. Also, telling someone you love what buttons of yours they can push can be helpful. All of this with the understanding that you are meeting your partner's needs, too.

But I say all this as someone who is currently single and going through a divorce, so I don't have a magic bullet or answer that works for everyone, even myself. It's just that your story and mine and so many of the stories on here are all so similar and difficult, and being an optimist I'd like to believe there might be other ways to approach these subjects with our partners that don't push them further away. I'm really starting to think, at least for me, positive inclusiveness of ABDL with a partner is the best strategy. Again, advice to take or leave or ignore completely.

I wish you both the best and I hope you both have a happy future.

Be well.

LittleBabyGirl19 said:

Do y'all ever divulge into close and personal conversation? Do y'all ever want to say so many things to each other at one time that the subjects keep changing? Like y'all are both really opening up? If y'all do anything like that, it would be a good way to bring up the AB/DL topic. Casually slide it into conversation. When I first told my partner which was in a letter because I'm a coward, he offered acceptance, but didn't seem interested in participating. Of course for me, he warmed up 4-5 months later and actually engaged into wanting to be my daddy.BUT, what I'm getting at is in that time period, I too did want to talk about it to gain full and complete acceptance and just to have someone to talk to. I do understand that feeling. There are so many ways you could bring it up. Say you forgot your diapers somewhere and ask it as like a huge favor from your partner to retrieve them. She knows. You don't have to act like it doesn't exist around her. Wear in front of her. Like under your pants and have your diaper poking out. Just do it casually and often enough to help her provoke the conversation. You can directly bring up the conversation or just try to discreetly provoke her into having the conversation. I don't know if you will take this advice, but it is something I would do. I would want somebody to talk to in person rather than online people. Having that acceptance in person whether if they participate or not, is gratifying.

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Believe me, even though I SAY that it's not something I want her to engage in or flaunt, I'd be remiss if I didn't go through all the different scenarios of telling her.

I considered staging a bed wet but I knew the actual truth would come out and the puzzle pieces wouldn't match.

I considered getting "caught" but thought that would be a little overwhelming for her to see. Same as such for "hiding" a stash in an obvious place. Ultimately my head won and we just sat down and talked one night.

You're certainly not a coward, letters are a helpful way to get all your thoughts out without getting flustered by people replying. I just chose to approach it in a different manner. It sounds like they were both initially affected in their own way.

My thoughts have again come full circle and am having some of the same thoughts for the second conversation you're suggesting. I'm really trying to not be intrusive. For me, being continent, I think we have to be respectful that this area of our lives (by definition) leans more toward want and not a (physical) need. Even if it's something that will always be with us. I appreciate you wanting to be bold, I just don't want to approach her in this way. Yet.

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TabulaRasa2017 said:

Hi intfusmil,

I hear what you're saying and I am totally on the same wavelength in that our fetish is not as common as some forms of BDSM. I think you wear more than I do (it's occasional for me, often once or twice a month), so I also get that this not something you feel you want to "flaunt" with her. You're just trying to give her a heads-up and that's understandable.

I'm certainly no wise sage in these matters, but I have come to believe that people who truly love you accept all of you. My experience is that while there is the temptation to keep these things secret and not "screw up" a great relationship, it is still a secret and burden, and that becomes a liability sooner or later. Again, I don't know you and your situation really, but your thread just really reminded me of how I tried to be with my ex.

Just another observation about ABDL is that in the end it is part of who we are and it is a need, but then again so many people feel that way about other kinks (i.e., they can't be happy without some aspect of them). I wonder if because of all the shame and embarrassment and difficulties we have with ABDL ourselves if we make it harder for our partners to accept this. In other words, we often approach our conversations about this with trepidation and guilt and remorse, and I wonder if the dynamics would be different if we put positive spins on it. For example, if it is a sexual need, then putting it in the context of "this is something special to me, and you're a special person in my life, and I'm sharing this with you because you're so important to me" might be a better approach. I've read advice about telling your partner about kink in general that goes along those lines. Also, telling someone you love what buttons of yours they can push can be helpful. All of this with the understanding that you are meeting your partner's needs, too.

But I say all this as someone who is currently single and going through a divorce, so I don't have a magic bullet or answer that works for everyone, even myself. It's just that your story and mine and so many of the stories on here are all so similar and difficult, and being an optimist I'd like to believe there might be other ways to approach these subjects with our partners that don't push them further away. I'm really starting to think, at least for me, positive inclusiveness of ABDL with a partner is the best strategy. Again, advice to take or leave or ignore completely.

I wish you both the best and I hope you both have a happy future.

Be well.

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I did quite a bit of research before the first talk went down. I made it a point to express no shame but recognized the fact how others may feel about it. I thought I blended the conversation pretty well. We've all felt the shame and embarrassment but I knew this was not the way to handle it because I've read of others regretting this approach.

I'm still hopeful we can open the vault again but it doesn't change my life one way or the other. At one point during the conversation she asked "if I could just stop" and I think she may have convinced herself that was going to actually happen. It's unclear if she is in this stage still or not because of the lack of communication.

I don't want to paint a false picture of her for two reasons. A. She (mostly) accepted it and B. We are still together. I did my best to explain that whoever is in this community it's just part of us and nobody comes from the same background so it's almost pre-determined that we have it and nobody loses it.

I didn't wanna make it seem like a disease but also expressed I don't think anyone goes to "diaper rehab" and loses this part of them. How do you pin point it anyway? At best, I think there could be a long purge only to be greeted with a monstrous binge.

I wear upwards of once a week with a couple of random breaks but I balance my life pretty well. It has yet to interfere with anything or anyone, including her. I'll consider your thoughts as well as all the others who helped. I'm going to evaluate over the next several days and may just leave well enough alone for now.

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Poofybutt said:

This too, so much this! Excellent point TabulaRasa2017!

This was something that ended my previous 2 relationships, including the one I wrote about in my post above. For a while, I was content to have her acknowledge that I was an AB and I was happy that she let me indulge on my own, but towards the end of our relationship, I started wondering what it would be like to have someone who was not just understanding but committed, someone who didn't just passively know, but wanted to actively engage. As a result of this, we grew distant and parted ways after nearly 3 years.

I now have a Mommy friend and I personally know that I need this type of nurturing play/connection in my life in some form. Intfusmil, you might be the same?

Click to expand...

Appreciate all the feedback. I don't think I need anymore than what I'm getting but maybe I've convinced myself of that over the years.

This area of my life hasn't really evolved a lot in the past several years except for public purchasing and public wearing (under clothes, of course). I feel like everything has a good balance and I'm happy with that.

Even as a self proclaimed "sub" I still enjoy being dominant and that has varied by the people I've been with. Her and I do well at switching these roles when needed. Having said that, even in a sub role I don't know if this would carry over to the bedroom. Just an opinion, but I think the fantasy of being diapered is simply that. I don't think we would get much "pay off" if it were a reality.

This forum has helped me really evaluate what I'm looking for and I think really what it comes down to is just a little more open freedom. Here are my two leading examples.

Scenario #1 - "Hey we are going to dinner with our friends at 6 tonight"

- I was wearing today and got wet so I want to come home and shower (and throw my diaper in our own trash and not have to dispose in a random public dispenser and clean up and demand I shower even if we are running late)

Scenario #2 - Just randomly wear to bed under clothes with no bedroom activity.

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I'm confused. Is this a fetish, or abdl for you. If fetish then absolutely you need to push the topic. If your girlfriend doesn't want to participate in any sex with you, just think how much that will drive you two apart. Your marriage will not last, so you'd be better off ending it now.

If abdl, then you should still push the topic- though for different reasons. being abdl is a part of who you are. Make sure she understands it is a package deal, and by trying to push it away she is also pushing you away.

Trying to hide it is also going to drive you two apart. While she defenitely will not need to particiapate, at the very least she needs to be ok with you wearing around her (even openly). If not, then you're better off ending the relationship now- before you're stuck with kids, a joint mortgage, and looking at a divorce.

Two years is a lot of time wasted with potentially the wrong person. However, it IS better to push the topic of her accepting you right now, versus a failed marriage after a decade or more. Let this be a warning to others, never wait to tell your significant others. It's best to find out sooner rather than risking rejection after years of being with someone who just may not be the right one for you.

Slomo said:

I'm confused. Is this a fetish, or abdl for you. If fetish then absolutely you need to push the topic. If your girlfriend doesn't want to participate in any sex with you, just think how much that will drive you two apart. Your marriage will not last, so you'd be better off ending it now.

If abdl, then you should still push the topic- though for different reasons. being abdl is a part of who you are. Make sure she understands it is a package deal, and by trying to push it away she is also pushing you away.

Trying to hide it is also going to drive you two apart. While she defenitely will not need to particiapate, at the very least she needs to be ok with you wearing around her (even openly). If not, then you're better off ending the relationship now- before you're stuck with kids, a joint mortgage, and looking at a divorce.

Two years is a lot of time wasted with potentially the wrong person. However, it IS better to push the topic of her accepting you right now, versus a failed marriage after a decade or more. Let this be a warning to others, never wait to tell your significant others. It's best to find out sooner rather than risking rejection after years of being with someone who just may not be the right one for you.

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Yeah I probably misspoke using the term fetish. I'm sure I'm not alone being a little unsure on the depth of my interest even after all these years.

I'd say maybe 15% AB, 70% DL and 15% (at the thought of) fetish/sexual in nature. I know you said you've been down this road but I have to disagree with some of the outlook.

I think I was validated in waiting the amount of time I did. I think throwing it on someone immediately (unless you met on a dedicated kink website) is a formula for disaster for a couple of reasons.

Trust: I live in a small town with mutual friends and don't want to deal with the entire world knowing. Am I proud of who I am? Yes, but only to the degree of a close S.O. wanting to understand me and grow in our relationship.

Understanding: As a sidebar to above, this is a very complex lifestyle whether we want to believe it or not and it takes time to know the person before the interest.

We're not engaged but I knew I wanted to get it out in the open for mostly fear of her thinking I was capable of hiding something from my life before we vow in marriage.

I've done a ton of soul searching and have a lot of balance in my life with this. Moreover, I feel like relationships are about picking battles and compromise. If this is "as good as it will ever get" I have peace with it, I really do. Just wanted to know the experience of others and how hard I should rock the boat.

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intfusmil said:

Yeah I probably misspoke using the term fetish. I'm sure I'm not alone being a little unsure on the depth of my interest even after all these years.

I'd say maybe 15% AB, 70% DL and 15% (at the thought of) fetish/sexual in nature. I know you said you've been down this road but I have to disagree with some of the outlook.

I think I was validated in waiting the amount of time I did. I think throwing it on someone immediately (unless you met on a dedicated kink website) is a formula for disaster for a couple of reasons.

Trust: I live in a small town with mutual friends and don't want to deal with the entire world knowing. Am I proud of who I am? Yes, but only to the degree of a close S.O. wanting to understand me and grow in our relationship.

Understanding: As a sidebar to above, this is a very complex lifestyle whether we want to believe it or not and it takes time to know the person before the interest.

We're not engaged but I knew I wanted to get it out in the open for mostly fear of her thinking I was capable of hiding something from my life before we vow in marriage.

I've done a ton of soul searching and have a lot of balance in my life with this. Moreover, I feel like relationships are about picking battles and compromise. If this is "as good as it will ever get" I have peace with it, I really do. Just wanted to know the experience of others and how hard I should rock the boat.

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Of course throwing this immediately onto someone is a disaster. Always wait till after the third date. But a year? Or more??? You're past time to bring this up for resolution. But yeah, waiting till you can adequately gauge their trust and understanding is... understandable. Hey, at least you aren't waiting till after you are married with kids. The only thing is, being in an understanding relationship is balance WITH both of you two. How can your relationship be balanced if she doesn't even know the FULL you (and likewise)?

Ps. If you're up a creek without a paddle, and heading to a waterfall. The only way to change course IS by rocking the boat. Rock it HARD so the two of you can reach shore- together.

So... I can tell you what worked for me.

I ended up coming out to my wife... actually multiple times... but it never clicked or made a difference. It was a 'thing for me' that she was accepting of but trying to get out of her head ASAP...

Until last year at about this time... and one big difference was that I was talking about what I needed separate from what I wanted and I was honest about both.

For example I confessed that I *need* to be little at times. I need to play that way, and it's 1/2 enjoying the humiliation and punishment side and 1/2 enjoying the comforting and caring part, and sometimes I need one and not the other. I needed to be able to not hide this, or feel guilty and self hating about it, even if she didn't want to share or participate.

Separate from that I wanted to play as a little with her. I wanted to take our playful times that had ageplay or dom sub elements and explicitly make them about little play. I wanted a pet name for her to emphasize that relationship.

This started with us just being kinda more formalizing the roleplay we'd been doing in the bedroom, I got permission to call her 'Nana', but then grew from there, and one day she said it was okay to call her Mommy, and now she asks or chides me if I don't. It started with her teasing me to diaper myself after 'accidents', to actually telling me to do it for real since I had them, to wearing with her while snuggling, to the point where she'd help me get ready for bed by diapering me.

The point is ... she knew the core of my needs, and could accept that because they didn't actually impose on her.

Then she also understood my wants... and slowly she's found ways to enjoy a lot of them at her own pace with no pressure from me.

Question for intfusmil. Do you talk about other things in the relationship, and check in about them? It might seem sort of difficult to have a second talk about diapers if that's the only thing in the whole relationship where you're having a conversation about checking in and seeing how she's feeling. If that's also the only time you ask, it makes diapers seem like this one weird thing that has to have a special conversation around it. And, honestly, I think that's not really accurate. If you do talk about all sorts of things that you like and she likes, then I'd suggest not making it a big deal. "Hey, remember we talked about diapers before? It's kinda been a while, I'm wondering if you still feel the same way or would be open to talking about them a little more, I'd like it if we could."

The rest of this advice assumes you don't really talk about relationship things much, so it would be harder to bring up the diaper conversation. So, we all rely a lot on social custom when it comes to dating and relationships, but there's nothing wrong with checking in on lots of things. Do you give her a kiss goodbye anytime you part? Try asking her sometime if she likes that. It doesn't need to be a big deal, just "hey, I love kissing you goodbye, is that something that's nice for you too?" If she says "yeah, it's great!" then you're done, you've checked in and everybody is happy. And if she says she actually doesn't like it sometimes, then you just learned something and you can figure out that issue. When people say it's good to talk about your relationship, this is the kind of thing that's good. Don't save conversations for only when there's some big problem. Ask about some of the things you do all the time, in a way that's not such a big deal. Then, when you go "hey, remember when we talked about diapers earlier? It's been a while since we talked, I'm wondering if you're still feeling the same way?" it won't have to be such a big deal that's so worrisome to bring up.

Caveat to this advice, don't just, like, suddenly start acting totally different and questioning everything. You don't have to constantly have relationship conversations. But throw one in every so often. Ask what she likes sometimes. I'd take it as something of a red flag if the person I was dating wasn't actually comfortable talking to me about things she enjoys or maybe doesn't enjoy. But it can be hard to do this if you're both not used to it, so go gently, maybe bring up diapers a little ways down the line.

ArchieRoni said:

Question for intfusmil. Do you talk about other things in the relationship, and check in about them? It might seem sort of difficult to have a second talk about diapers if that's the only thing in the whole relationship where you're having a conversation about checking in and seeing how she's feeling. If that's also the only time you ask, it makes diapers seem like this one weird thing that has to have a special conversation around it. And, honestly, I think that's not really accurate. If you do talk about all sorts of things that you like and she likes, then I'd suggest not making it a big deal. "Hey, remember we talked about diapers before? It's kinda been a while, I'm wondering if you still feel the same way or would be open to talking about them a little more, I'd like it if we could."

The rest of this advice assumes you don't really talk about relationship things much, so it would be harder to bring up the diaper conversation. So, we all rely a lot on social custom when it comes to dating and relationships, but there's nothing wrong with checking in on lots of things. Do you give her a kiss goodbye anytime you part? Try asking her sometime if she likes that. It doesn't need to be a big deal, just "hey, I love kissing you goodbye, is that something that's nice for you too?" If she says "yeah, it's great!" then you're done, you've checked in and everybody is happy. And if she says she actually doesn't like it sometimes, then you just learned something and you can figure out that issue. When people say it's good to talk about your relationship, this is the kind of thing that's good. Don't save conversations for only when there's some big problem. Ask about some of the things you do all the time, in a way that's not such a big deal. Then, when you go "hey, remember when we talked about diapers earlier? It's been a while since we talked, I'm wondering if you're still feeling the same way?" it won't have to be such a big deal that's so worrisome to bring up.

Caveat to this advice, don't just, like, suddenly start acting totally different and questioning everything. You don't have to constantly have relationship conversations. But throw one in every so often. Ask what she likes sometimes. I'd take it as something of a red flag if the person I was dating wasn't actually comfortable talking to me about things she enjoys or maybe doesn't enjoy. But it can be hard to do this if you're both not used to it, so go gently, maybe bring up diapers a little ways down the line.

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I see the bridge you're trying to build here but I feel it's apples to oranges. I'm not trying to be difficult, they're valid points. I feel there's some things you just know. In a male-female relationship and living together practically from the beginning you pick up on quite a few things or you are told about them quick lol.

I'll use the kiss goodbye as an example just because it's relative. Do I ask her if she likes it? No. Am I told and/or catch a little hell if I don't give her one? Yes. Therefore, her opinion on goodbye kisses is implied.

I feel there's no precedence for diapers and I feel it needs to be greeted with caution. We can say all we want "so what I wear diapers" or "I'm a diaper lover" all day long but certain things in this world just do not have the same social acceptance as others. We may not even be having this conversation in 20 years. Tattoos have come a LONG way for stigma and adult protection and incontinence awareness (even though I'm not) may be more prominent and more exposed than they are now.

The only precedence I have for this is a pretty staunch "No." Like, (paraphrasing) "I see this is something you've been holding in for a while and I love you very much and glad you took this gigantic step to tell me, but, basically no."

We have a great dialogue. In the last year + we have done a lot of post-argument conversations even if it's like the next day. Just a "this is how that made me feel, this is how I made you feel" type conversation. Everything else you just end up knowing quick. We're vocal people. Try leaving the dishes in the sink for more than a few days lol.

There were mini talks in the days that followed the diaper conversation but only things related to why and when because I was very open and said nothing was off limits. I suppose I could find a way to circle back around to this but I've read so many things about even initially breaking the news to an S.O. and the audience is split between it going really good or really (breakup) bad I found myself somewhere in the middle and wasn't sure how much to pressure it.

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AdorableRabbit said:

So... I can tell you what worked for me.

I ended up coming out to my wife... actually multiple times... but it never clicked or made a difference. It was a 'thing for me' that she was accepting of but trying to get out of her head ASAP...

Until last year at about this time... and one big difference was that I was talking about what I needed separate from what I wanted and I was honest about both.

For example I confessed that I *need* to be little at times. I need to play that way, and it's 1/2 enjoying the humiliation and punishment side and 1/2 enjoying the comforting and caring part, and sometimes I need one and not the other. I needed to be able to not hide this, or feel guilty and self hating about it, even if she didn't want to share or participate.

Separate from that I wanted to play as a little with her. I wanted to take our playful times that had ageplay or dom sub elements and explicitly make them about little play. I wanted a pet name for her to emphasize that relationship.

This started with us just being kinda more formalizing the roleplay we'd been doing in the bedroom, I got permission to call her 'Nana', but then grew from there, and one day she said it was okay to call her Mommy, and now she asks or chides me if I don't. It started with her teasing me to diaper myself after 'accidents', to actually telling me to do it for real since I had them, to wearing with her while snuggling, to the point where she'd help me get ready for bed by diapering me.

The point is ... she knew the core of my needs, and could accept that because they didn't actually impose on her.

Then she also understood my wants... and slowly she's found ways to enjoy a lot of them at her own pace with no pressure from me.

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I really love this. I'm glad you've both found peace with your desires. You both deserve a lot of credit for following through. I feel through reading this there was one major seed I planted and reiterated that I might be able to expand on with her in that this never goes away and anyone who has found an interest, need, or want in this community rarely leaves it. That will probably serve as my in and I'll see how it goes. Thanks.

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TabulaRasa2017 said:

I'm certainly no wise sage in these matters, but I have come to believe that people who truly love you accept all of you.

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Gosh, that would be nice!

Unfortunately, unconditional love seldom exists beyond childhood. I have loved two women unconditionally in my entire life ... my mother and my grandmother. As Psychology Today noted, "Love directs our attention and colors our environment, but this is not unconditional disregard of flaws but rather bounded (limited) blindness. And since in any case we cannot see everything, some kind of limitation is inevitable."

I am convinced that my wife loves me; however, she does not love me unconditionally and thus refuses to accept my infantilism. Genuine love, I believe, is typically neither totally unconditional nor totally blind. In essence, the OP is expecting his SO to be one or the other, which I find unrealistic.

Call me a cynic! I've been called worse ... including 'sick' by a partner who loved me but could not handle my need to regress on occasion.