How to get to the "second" talk

sbmccue said:

Gosh, that would be nice!

Unfortunately, unconditional love seldom exists beyond childhood. I have loved two women unconditionally in my entire life ... my mother and my grandmother. As Psychology Today noted, "Love directs our attention and colors our environment, but this is not unconditional disregard of flaws but rather bounded (limited) blindness. And since in any case we cannot see everything, some kind of limitation is inevitable."

I am convinced that my wife loves me; however, she does not love me unconditionally and thus refuses to accept my infantilism. Genuine love, I believe, is typically neither totally unconditional nor totally blind. In essence, the OP is expecting his SO to be one or the other, which I find unrealistic.

Call me a cynic! I've been called worse ... including 'sick' by a partner who loved me but could not handle my need to regress on occasion.

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I'm not sure love needs to be unconditional or blind to make something work with compromises on both sides... it's no guarantee, and it is hard work, but... not hopeless!

I mean love the attraction... by itself it cannot overcome all limits.

But love the relationship, where you both struggle and sacrifice to accept and forgive and embrace.. if it's fair and not one sided... and like I said... where you both put in the hard work and take the time... well I fink it's not hopeless to fink it has a chance!

sbmccue said:

Gosh, that would be nice!

Unfortunately, unconditional love seldom exists beyond childhood. I have loved two women unconditionally in my entire life ... my mother and my grandmother. As Psychology Today noted, "Love directs our attention and colors our environment, but this is not unconditional disregard of flaws but rather bounded (limited) blindness. And since in any case we cannot see everything, some kind of limitation is inevitable."

I am convinced that my wife loves me; however, she does not love me unconditionally and thus refuses to accept my infantilism. Genuine love, I believe, is typically neither totally unconditional nor totally blind. In essence, the OP is expecting his SO to be one or the other, which I find unrealistic.

Call me a cynic! I've been called worse ... including 'sick' by a partner who loved me but could not handle my need to regress on occasion.

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Hi sbmccue,

Believe me, considering what I'm going through right now, I'm not seeing everything with rose-colored glasses. But I believe what I said - people who truly love you accept all of you. I won't call you a cynic - if what you have works for you, that is all that matters. And again, I was just saying to intfusmil what I wish someone had said to me and made me consider years ago. I don't live with regrets, but I will going forward if, for me, I don't find an ABDL-friendly partner.

Be well.

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AdorableRabbit said:

I'm not sure love needs to be unconditional or blind to make something work with compromises on both sides... it's no guarantee, and it is hard work, but... not hopeless!

I mean love the attraction... by itself it cannot overcome all limits.

But love the relationship, where you both struggle and sacrifice to accept and forgive and embrace.. if it's fair and not one sided... and like I said... where you both put in the hard work and take the time... well I fink it's not hopeless to fink it has a chance!

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Hi Adorable,

I appreciate your optimism on this topic and, again, thanks for the inspiration.

Be well.

My wife knows all about my diapers. She puts a diaper and plastic pants on me and tucks me in at night. But she doesn't change me and I don't do my messy in front of her, although she's seen me with a messy diaper many times. Everything has it's limits. Enjoy what you have.

britches1 said:

My wife knows all about my diapers. She puts a diaper and plastic pants on me and tucks me in at night. But she doesn't change me and I don't do my messy in front of her, although she's seen me with a messy diaper many times. Everything has it's limits. Enjoy what you have.

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I'm asking all of this respectfully but am confused.

If it never escalates, I think I'd be okay with it and have found some peace about the situation just coming clean with her. It's hard to hear "enjoy what you have" when you seem to have an ABDL dream at home. Are you saying don't persue it any further? How did you and your wife get to this comfort with you wearing?

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So she knows you like to wear diapers. Over time the acceptance should grow.

britches1 said:

So she knows you like to wear diapers. Over time the acceptance should grow.

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That was sort of the point of this discussion because it seems to have flamed out into this forgotten area and I was looking for a way to spark the conversation or figure out whether I should leave it alone.

I've been wearing a lot lately. Up to 4 times a week for full days through the week on my drives and certain places I work. This has been the norm for over a month so it's either just a really long binge or I'm wanting them more. I've kicked around talking about this as a way to reopen the discussion or stage some kind of situation where I could be "caught" but both seem really intrusive and selfish. At the same time I'm conflicted because I like the separation of all of it. She knows. I have my "time" where I can wear, and that's the end of it.

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I have to chime in here, because of something you said, that it was almost "worse" for her to know but not bring it up again.

I had a ten year relationship I should not have had, under the same conditions: do what you want, but don't involve me.

I started out fine, but as this lifestyle "escalated," (it always evolves), I started to feel lonely. To have somebody see this, but not validate it is painful, but the pain is very subtle. That's why I believe some people are obsessed with public display-- they want others to see, to interact, to engage. They seek validation.
If somebody truly loves you, they will want to validate this in you, and they will see how important it is to you.
My previous wife secretly hated me, while telling me I was the best man in the world. When we split, she outted me as a "pervert" to all her friends, and cost me a career.
I've warned a few people on here: DONT fall for the "Do what you want, but don't involve me." The silence of these people speaks volumes. It's not enough to be "tolerated," people need to be loved.

My current partner of five years just woke me up early this morning, checked my diaper, and I nursed for an hour. She insisted I wear a diaper today, and she will see later if I had a #2 so she can change me. She was completely vanilla before being with me, but she said being my mommy is the most exciting experience she has ever had. I was lucky enough to learn one day that when you are in bliss, people who love you also share in that bliss . I hear people saying you have to compromise, and take turns, and now I know that's all crap. I am baby, she is momma.

I still have a balanced life, I haven't lost my mind, I've just realized that I am lovable just as I am.

Guilt, shame and compromises not in my cards anymore

Ungulate said:

I have to chime in here, because of something you said, that it was almost "worse" for her to know but not bring it up again.

I had a ten year relationship I should not have had………
……. I hear people saying you have to compromise, and take turns, and now I know that's all crap. I am baby, she is momma.

I still have a balanced life, I haven't lost my mind, I've just realized that I am lovable just as I am.

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Same here. Thanks for that great post Ungulate. My last (and “only,” thus far) marriage was to a woman who "tolerated" my ABDL side, but who clearly was uncomfortable with it for seven years. Before we married, I had duly informed her that I was an ABDL, and she had told me that she would “accept” it, but she didn't want to have anything to do with it. During those seven years, my ABDL side was sort of like the "white elephant in the middle of the room" that nobody talked about. I would only occasionally wear perhaps once or twice a month. I got the feeling she always knew, but we seldom spoke about it, and when we did speak about it it was always her complaining. When we got divorced, some of the pent-up angst that she had apparently been feeling for those seven years came out. It was not pretty.

I'm currently looking for somebody else to have a relationship with, with whom I need not feel any sense of genuine shame or guilt, and who could be comfortable seeing me in a diaper on a regular basis, and who will respect that part of me without any anger or resentment on her part. The lady I am currently dating has already accepted the fact that I’m an "asexual.” If or when it may get to the point where any “overnights” may take place, I will tell her then that I’m an ABDL who regularly wears diapers, which wearing would have to be something that she would have to be able to accept in her presence. At that point, I would be perfectly happy to accept whatever decision she might make, whether it would be acceptance or rejection. I know myself well enough to know that any kind of compromise at that point would not be good for either of us.

Intfusmil, the fact that she only wants you to wear when out of her sight (in a sort of a secrecy) does not sound good to me. I now realize that in my own former marriage, that certain "intolerance" that required a certain level of secrecy on my part, was not at all healthy. I've now come to realize that I am just as much to blame for this intolerance as she was!

Why did I feel I had to in any way "hide" this fundamental part of myself from the person who I believed would be my "life partner?" I had not yet learned to "tolerate" my own self for who I was/am. How could I ever expect my wife to accept this part of me, if I myself had not yet done the same for my own self?

The fact that I had accepted her designation of this part of me as "something that needs to be hidden and seldom spoken of between us" is ample enough proof that I was not yet valuing this part of my own self enough to allow myself the freedom to be myself in my own home, with the person who I hoped to trust the most. I hope you might both be able to realize that this part of you is something that will probably require a full acceptance from both of you, if your relationship is going to work.

Let me say first that I'm very happy for your situation and how you got there (whether good or bad, acceptance seemed to be the correct avenue). Your perspective matches a lot of other comments on here. I'm a little torn, because with each comment I feel like I need to clear some air or further state my opinion.

I've been wearing for well over a decade. It has evolved over the years but I think it has hit a plateau. The truth is I don't know if I know what I want (entirely). I think it's also important to note none of us (including me) can be 100% sure where she is in her head about this. During our conversation, I threw her a little reading material and suggested support articles with other significant others who have experience in our desires. Whether she did anything with them I have no idea but I have to be hopeful.

I'm not meaning to instigate an argument here but some of you seem to be writing the end of this book despite never hearing of the author. Similar authors perhaps, but not me. I 100% love hearing every angle from people who have lived this life in some form or another and especially one person that reached out to me in private. I think I will know how this goes after bringing it up again, which is what I sought when I created the post. I'm very sorry for how some of your relationships ended, I may experience the same fate or realize myself that I NEED more. I don't feel that at this time.

I think it's also important to note something when making conclusions about how others view us. I'm very confident and largely at peace with this life. It's something that is "in" me and I cannot change. Removing myself and from an outsiders perspective we have to know and understand this is viewed as DIFFERENT (among other words that come to mind) and there is a major reason why the community is about 80/20 in favor of guys. There's acceptance, unconditional love and support from a partner but should be taken in steps and with time. Not everyone is this way. No there is nothing wrong with us, yes there are much worse things, but also yes it's okay for someone to be totally left fielded by this.

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Thats a good analogy. We ARE writing the end of the book without knowing the author. That's WE.

It isn't just a case of one or two people who have gone through your exact situation, it's a LOT of people. And given how common this ends up being, we can say for a fair certaintly how the book will end. You're still on chapter 1 though, and have your own hopes on how it will turn out.

The good news is, this book is one of those choose your own adventure books. There are choices you can make now (by pressing the issue with your wife). It could mean a long and happy ending for both you and your wife, or a quick divorce. Either way it at least saves you from a long and miserable marriage that still ends in a bitter divorce anyways (maybe even with the complication of kids).

Slomo said:

Thats a good analogy. We ARE writing the end of the book without knowing the author. That's WE.

It isn't just a case of one or two people who have gone through your exact situation, it's a LOT of people. And given how common this ends up being, we can say for a fair certaintly how the book will end. You're still on chapter 1 though, and have your own hopes on how it will turn out.

The good news is, this book is one of those choose your own adventure books. There are choices you can make now (by pressing the issue with your wife). It could mean a long and happy ending for both you and your wife, or a quick divorce. Either way it at least saves you from a long and miserable marriage that still ends in a bitter divorce anyways (maybe even with the complication of kids).

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I understand those who have experienced it and again appreciate everyone who has lended that personal experience to it. I'm trying to have an open mind as I'm sure all of you are. I'll take "I told you so" right on the chin if the day ever comes, I'm not saying it will or won't but I think interpretation and perspective is a big thing here, perhaps the biggest of them all.

There are so many different layers of ABDL right down to the acronym. Once you expand on each (or every) letter it branches off from there in terms of want, need, or acceptance. Add in the individual views of the significant other, how you interact in daily life and the state of the relationship (not yet married). I think there are a lot of question marks, I was hoping to get some insight on this, everyone has satisfied that. I'm not at a point to where I'm going to run away because I still need to see where we as a couple will go. Even if I did, I don't think it will be in the waiting arms of thousands of accepting persons to this lifestyle. If I did find such a partner, how would they adapt to everything else in our life? Would we get along as well or have the same relationship I have now plus or minus one thing? For me, I'm not afraid to move on or be alone. Honestly I've been alone more than I've been with someone so nothing is keeping me here except love for the person and we need to resolve this one thing or someone concedes or it ends altogether. Myself, nor her or any of us know the full extent or answer to these questions.

I will keep you updated.

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Unconditional love and acceptance

One closing thought, I think all or most of us here would probably agree that the concept of unconditional love and acceptance is closely tied to being an ABDL. That would include the concepts that:

1. Others accept us.
2. We accept ourselves.
3. (By deduction) That we accept others.
4. (By deduction) That those around us accept themselves.

Rather than specifically addressing your s/o with the question of her acceptance of your ABDL part, perhaps from time to time you could still get close to the same results with her by simply mutually discussing and exploring with her the question of what "unconditional love and acceptance of others and of self" means to each of you? If you can, try to focus more on the general "attitude" of unconditional acceptance, and what that might feel like and mean for each of you, and less on specific scenarios. Is the gaining of such an attitude a real possibility? If one were to gain such an attitude, how far and to whom should it extend? What might the "mirror image" of her acceptance of you, look like with your acceptance of her?

This is a fundamental question for all folks, and may be a little easier for her to think about. Just a thought.

The acceptance of your diapers is not so hard. When you confess to love of diapers you also confess to using them. Acceptance of you going pee and poop in your pants might be the harder concept.

britches1 said:

The acceptance of your diapers is not so hard. When you confess to love of diapers you also confess to using them. Acceptance of you going pee and poop in your pants might be the harder concept.

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Very good point, that was/is a hurdle that I think was the hardest for her (or anyone) to digest. It lends to the points I've detailed throughout this post in that I think anyone in this community has to have some level of respect to.

The conversations probably all go about the same way and are accompanied with the same questions from the S/O. After all, to anyone outside the community, it goes against everything we've ever learned beyond the age of 2 or 3.

Bridging their confusion to our reasoning is the basis of what I'm trying to figure out. I haven't pursued it again but still plan to. I've since gone through a pretty major binge cycle but idk if it's what I'm normally used to dealing with on occasion (as we all do) or relative to the confession.

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