Telling the wife

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TheMat

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So the big moment may be pretty soon. I've been feeling like I want to tell her today. I know I need it to come off with a positive spin so any way you can think of to do that would be great. What I have so far is:

-diapers are therapeutic for me
-has nothing at all to do with pedophilia
-they don't interfere in our romantic life

We've been married a little over 2 years. I did tell her briefly during marriage counseling but didn't go into much detail because I thought these desires (strictly dl) would go away and not be an issue. I've been getting and using diapers about once or twice a week for months now though and I don't like feeling like I'm hiding this from her even though I don't feel like it's harmful to our marriage. Plus if I tell her, maybe I'll be able to order some actual decent diapers instead of relying on thrift stores and pharmacies.

I don't even feel like I want her to participate with me though. I do fantasize about her putting one on me or me putting one on her sometimes but I'm afraid she'll see me as less a man if she sees me in a diaper.

Anyway any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
 
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Take it slow, don't blurt a huge torrent of information / repressed feelings on her straight off the bat.

Take very small steps, ask her what she thinks / how she feels about it, if she wants to ask any questions or have you explain more or just shut up and let her process it.

If she's accepting, DON'T take that as the green-light to overwhelm her with tonnes of stuff immediately, go gently. If she's not - give her some time.
 
Why not ask her something like: Honey, we've been married two years now. Is there anything different that you would like to try in our personal/sex life?
 
Since you talked about this briefly in marriage counseling, you could bring it up by saying that you thought the desires would eventually go away but they haven't. You could ask her if she would mind your occasionally wearing a diaper on your own time and not her time. If she said she was uncomfortable with it or even that she hated it, you still have an envelope where you can back out saying that you don't have to wear, etc.
 
I would avoid making definitive statements like, “I don’t want/need you to be nvolved”, “it’s not sexual,” “it’s just diapers,” etc. the truth is, you will learn a lot about yourself and what you really want and like as you have this and many other conversations with her. Try not to come across as feeling shame, or other negative attributes. Keep it positive and listen more than you talk. Good luck!
 
Thanks guys this is all great. I feel like my tendency will be to try to justify it with a bunch of information so I have to try not to do that. When I did tell her briefly before she did start to ask questions but I was so uncomfortable talking about it I tried to move past it pretty quick. Her questions seemed to express disgust too "so, you actually use them?"

I'll try not to make definite statements but at the same time, if she tries to demand I don't wear...idk if I'd be able to.

She has asked before if there is anything more she could do for me in bed and I've said no, but I did think about bringing diapers up then. I don't want her to see then as only sexual though because they're more than that for me.
 
-You didn't tell her before because you thought you could quit loving diapers. You failed.
-Being a diaper lover is an ingrained part of who you are. It is not something you chose to get into.
-You have tried not wearing them but are always drawn back to them.
-any denying your diaper needs (your or her) is literally denying a part of you and causes you undo stress.
-She does not need to participate, ever. But does need to at least acknowledge and allow them. (And no "hiding" or pretending they don't exist)
-She can participate if she wants to.
 
I don't think I failed. That makes it sound like if I just tried a little harder I could quit liking diapers which it seems the general consensus here is that you cannot.
 
TheMat said:
I don't think I failed. That makes it sound like if I just tried a little harder I could quit liking diapers which it seems the general consensus here is that you cannot.

actually if you want to quit, you can, its just that most on here don't really want to. at least that's my take on what is talked about round here.... if you don't want to, you'll find support to quit, if you do, you'll find support and understanding so you don't feel shame.

Just because lots here have no desire to quit, doesn't mean you can't quit yourself.
 
paddedgrimlin said:
actually if you want to quit, you can, its just that most on here don't really want to. at least that's my take on what is talked about round here.... if you don't want to, you'll find support to quit, if you do, you'll find support and understanding so you don't feel shame.

Just because lots here have no desire to quit, doesn't mean you can't quit yourself.

I think that dismisses the pain that so many of us have gone through with this. My learning to accept this was hard-earned in the many failures I had trying to purge this desire. I saw this as a blight on my life and I promised myself over and over I would stop. My desire was sincere. Years of failure led me to the happier path of acceptance. I'm now glad that I couldn't stop. I don't know what more I could have done.

There probably are ABDLs whose urges are minor enough to be distracted with other things. I think it's potentially harmful to put out the message to desperate people that if they just want it bad enough, they can stop. Self-knowledge and understanding is a better goal. If you're going to be an ABDL, be a happy one. If you wish to stop, give that a try. Just don't waste your life striving fruitlessly against something that isn't worth it.
 
All I was trying to say was either way, whatever you want to do, stop using or continue using, you can find support either way, in no way was I dismissing pain or desire, or aiming to hurt feelings. Face it, it's an addiction to lots of us, some keep it secret because they are ashamed,others embrace and surround themselves with those that accept them as they are, all I was trying to say was for someone is here for support in whatever they are trying to do, they will most likely find it WITHOUT judgement. Where did I say just wanting it bad enough was sufficient to do so? Or that it was easy?

Now to you trevor, I'm not saying I say everything right but instead of attacking someone saying it dismisses this or discredits that try asking for clarification instead of jumping on the offensive. We all have our weaknesses, and I truly believe that if someone wants to give up using diapers, is possible. Doesn't mean it stop crossing their mind or they forget the urge. But if someone came to me with an addiction or strange fetish, or habit (good or bad) and they said they want to stop or chance it, I would try to support them,distract them, whatever i could top help them achieve their goals. If they try to change their minds and wanted to continue I would try to help them figure out what they really wanted. Did they really change their mind or did some kind of fear lead them to a different choice. Which ever way they ultimately choose that is up to them all we can do from whatever computer, tablet, phone we are using is try to offer our sympathy and encouragement. So yes when it comes down to the final decision if someone wants to quit and is here asking for help, they will find non judgemental (hopefully) ideas, encouragement, advice whatever you want to call it. Possibly the occasional jackass. But please don't sit and tell someone what they are "really saying". And stop putting words in my mouth to make yourself out to be some Saint. I'm sure somewhere you have posted something that was taken the wrong way and been attacked for it, please don't bring that attitude to this forum.
 
There is no way I could have quit.

I have spent decades hating this part of myself and feeling like throwing up in the disgust I felt... I only ever felt whole or hope when I tried forgiving and accepting myself.

So... I can tell you what worked for me.

I ended up coming out to my wife... actually multiple times... but it never clicked or made a difference. It was a 'thing for me' that she was accepting of but trying to get out of her head ASAP...

Until last year at about this time... and one big difference was that I was talking about what I needed separate from what I wanted and I was honest about both.

For example I confessed that I *need* to be little at times. I need to play that way, and it's 1/2 enjoying the humiliation and punishment sexual side and 1/2 enjoying the comforting and caring part non-sexual, and sometimes I need one and not the other, and sometimes both. I needed to be able to not hide this, or feel guilty and self hating about it, even if she didn't want to share or participate.

Separate from that I wanted to play as a little *with* her. I wanted to take our playful times that had ageplay or dom sub elements and explicitly make them about little play. I wanted a pet name for her to emphasize that relationship.

This started with us just being kinda more formalizing the roleplay we'd been doing in the bedroom, I got permission to call her 'Nana', but then grew from there, and one day she said it was okay to call her Mommy, and now she asks or chides me if I don't. It started with her teasing me to diaper myself after 'accidents', to actually telling me to do it for real since I had them, to wearing with her while snuggling, to the point where she'd help me get ready for bed by diapering me.

The point is ... she knew the core of my needs, and could accept that because they didn't actually impose on her.

Then she also understood my wants... and slowly she's found ways to enjoy a lot of them at her own pace with no pressure from me.
 
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Getting back to the OP, hopefully you have been able to have a new conversation with your wife. If not, I would like to offer my encouragement. You know her best. Plan and rehearse what you want to tell her and then go for it. If you trust her with everything else, you can trust her with this. Besides, she already has some idea about this part of you. Just take it slow and be honest. (And if you can, keep us updated!)
 
If you haven't had the conversation already, a couple of thoughts that I hope might help. First, I think it's super helpful to think about the way to approach the conversation, or any sort of difficult conversations. That is, before you say anything about diapers, let her know that you want to talk about a thing and ask her if she's ready for it. Like "hey, I want to talk about some sexual aspects of myself, is this a good time to chat?" It tells the other person that you're caring about and paying attention to them and their needs, and also makes sure the conversation doesn't come up at a bad time. If they say yes, it is a good time to chat, then they've given you permission and attention. If they say no, then you can figure out a time later and you've avoided the person being upset from the start. Of course, feel free to use whatever language is normal for your relationship, but the point is to flag that you've got something serious to talk about and ask if that's okay or find a later time for it.

Second, think about your goal in the conversation. I think this can be a really good way to keep from going too much on the information. Rather than trying to explain everything there is to know about ABDL, figure out what you want. "So, I'm hoping to be able to wear a diaper once or twice a week under my normal clothes" is a different conversation than "So, I'm hoping to sleep in diapers every night, actually" which is different again from "I'd really like to do some sexual roleplay" and so forth. Think about what you're looking for and why it's important to you, and focus on presenting your desire clearly and succinctly. Then you can react to the conversation, answer questions, or judge if you feel like some info is missing that she ought to know.
 
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paddedgrimlin said:
actually if you want to quit, you can, its just that most on here don't really want to. at least that's my take on what is talked about round here.... if you don't want to, you'll find support to quit, if you do, you'll find support and understanding so you don't feel shame.

Just because lots here have no desire to quit, doesn't mean you can't quit yourself.

Trust me I wanted to quit and tried to for at least 15 years. I thought getting married and having a wife that gives me all the sex I want would replace my dl desires but it has not. The last couple years I've finally had some level of acceptance for myself and I believe acknowledging my desires and acting on them in a healthy way is much better for me than the constant shame of not being able to stop. In short, I realized quitting wasn't going to be an option for me, and that doesn't make me, or anyone else that comes to this conclusion, a failure.

- - - Updated - - -

Archieronie, anton, and others,

Thanks! It's a timing issue now. She's a teacher and having a rough week with her class so I'm thinking not this week but maybe this weekend I can get her into a positive mood and try then.
I'm thinking the convo would start something like, "remember what I told you about me during marriage counseling? I didn't let you ask a lot of questions then but I think I'm ready to talk more about that now..."

And then go from there.
 
TheMat said:
I don't think I failed. That makes it sound like if I just tried a little harder I could quit liking diapers which it seems the general consensus here is that you cannot.

And that's why nobody will ever succeed in quiting diapers. We have all failed in spite of having tried harder.
 
Slomo said:
And that's why nobody will ever succeed in quiting diapers. We have all failed in spite of having tried harder.
Not to derail the thread further, but before I became IC I was a DL and really wanted to quit, and was able to get rid of the urges for over 10 years. It was more of a "scorched earth" strategy and I ended up with an even more embarrassing fetish from it. In the end, the desire for diapers came back anyway, although not as strong. When I started to become IC, the whole act of trying to quit it just made when I *had* to wear all that more uncomfortable.

Short story shorter: Acceptance is the key, trying to gouge it out of your personality is very, very, very unlikely to end well.
 
TheMat said:
Trust me I wanted to quit and tried to for at least 15 years. I thought getting married and having a wife that gives me all the sex I want would replace my dl desires but it has not. The last couple years I've finally had some level of acceptance for myself and I believe acknowledging my desires and acting on them in a healthy way is much better for me than the constant shame of not being able to stop. In short, I realized quitting wasn't going to be an option for me, and that doesn't make me, or anyone else that comes to this conclusion, a failure.

- - - Updated - - -

Archieronie, anton, and others,

Thanks! It's a timing issue now. She's a teacher and having a rough week with her class so I'm thinking not this week but maybe this weekend I can get her into a positive mood and try then.
I'm thinking the convo would start something like, "remember what I told you about me during marriage counseling? I didn't let you ask a lot of questions then but I think I'm ready to talk more about that now..."

And then go from there.

The real thing is we all do something to feel better or good.
Some things are second nature .
Some spend money others eat .
There are those that bite nails or even horde things .
It's tied to thousands of years of evolution survival things that hurt we remember as not to get hurt .
Feeling good is the same way we tend to get programmed at a young age .

Diapers feel good we have a lot of nerves down there .
For most everything there is a strong sex drive to reproduce those nerves are for that and also protect that part of us also.
Us guys wear our sexual organs on the outside of us so the diapers feel good to us.

Now you spent years wearing diapers until you were potty training.
Now as a infants diapers are not bad getting changed feels good mommy taking care of you dose also.
Now with your brain growing so fast your attention span is short so you can be redirected at potty training.
You don't remember how they feel and your shamed into not liking them you don't want to be a baby do you.
You want to be a big boy or girl.
So to please mom or dad we change.

Now for some those good feeling wearing diapers are still with some they never wanted out of them.
Others was put into diapers for bed wetting or pants wetting so those feelings resurfacing .
Now our miraculous body is a chemical thinking machine as much as a thinking machine.
The fight or flight thing and feeling good also.
At an older age we tend to remember what feels good and we want to repeat that over and over.
Some of the chemical reactions are waking from those Early Times and it feels good you get comfort cuz you're remembering that time
Maybe not so much conscious remembering more a feeling remembering.
But being different individuals and all our brains working slightly different there's so many different ways that's why we are so different and we can't pin it down to one thing that causes to be how we are.
But I still think these evolutionary traits for survival have an effect on us because it's how we've done for thousands of years instinct.

Being put in the diapers are trying Diapers at a older age it feels good and that reprograms and wires your brain.
Also the chemical part of you that's why you get Prime for fight or flight when you see something the chemical start working your brain preparing you to run.
A wonderful thing me amazing body is not everything's cut in stone not everything fits in a square around Peg
There's some things that are so much a part of you that they're very hard or almost impossible to reprogram.
We have smokers that can't quit they've tried and tried to can't we've had alcoholics that can't quit no matter what they do.
My sister is anorexic she can't quit that either.

There are other things that people can't give up no matter what they do and there are some who can.
But we can't be lumped into one group because we're all so different or some can some can't in our case this is tied to our sexual drive.
Whether we use it sexually or not the comfort thing is ingrained in us.
For there are drives within our bodies that over thousands of years were created so that we could continue as a species.
For if we did not enjoy it we would be extinct being those drives are very strong over thousands of years created through evolution.
Just not the norm for everybody we just happen to be that percentage hits fell into this of liking diapers.

So many of us tried giving it up because we didn't feel right even though it was a very strong Drive in society didn't like it.
I didn't accept myself until 48 and I tried spent three years cold turkey but then I felt the dead inside why I live
And all this pain and suffering over a piece of cloth pins and plastic pants.
So I accepted this is a part of me it's who I turned out ok.
There are worst things to be murderers robbers abusers of women.
I just like the confort of diapers it take me to my happy place no drugs or alcohol.
 
I might have to move this up sooner... I'm starting to REALLY want a diaper. I usually use at least a couple a week and it's been a few weeks.

Problem is I had surgery on my leg and I can't put weight on it and while I might be able to struggle and get a diaper on, I can't bathe currently without my wife's help and she would surely notice then if I'd been wearing.
 
Although sexuality changes over time, and kinks/desires do go in cycles, it seems fairly common consensus that it never really goes away no matter how hard some people try.

I hang out on rubberist forums too and you could pick any one of the many threads here on the subject, replace "diaper" for "rubber" and it would be the same stories/threads over and over and over! I've seen other posts around the net from people with other kinks and it's an almost universal experience!

It's worth mentioning how hard it can be to "come out" with something as potentially embarrassing as this, that it's a big step but that you would rather be honest with your wife than hide things from her. Hopefully she'll appreciate that, and it will encourage a bit of sympathy and understanding even if she isn't on-board straight away.

If she's not keen you can say something like "I won't keep on about it, let's leave it for a few days and come back" to approach it gradually and allow her time to process it. Again, start off gentle with broad strokes don't dive in to some overly specific thing or scenario that is more likely to confuse and/or weird her out. Also, remember that to most people this kink is weird and a bit silly / undignified so try to have a sense of humour and perspective about it.

Sometimes we can't really explain this stuff other than "it feels nice" or "it makes me happy / relaxed", and you probably don't need to explain it any further than that, certainly in the first instance - it probably doesn't make much difference why you are like you are, any more than needing to analyse why you like a particular band or favourite food. You risk tying yourself in a knot or just confusing/overloading your partner with unnecessary detail. Eyes on the big picture!

Something you could do is create a little anonymous private blog or similar (be it tumblr, blogger, livejournal, pinterest, whatever) and curate a collection of few things that show the sort of thing you are into - be it pictures, videos, explanatory posts, etc. there's lots of stuff out there but it's sometimes hard to remember where that one great article or picture was. Being able to say "I've collected a few bits to show you" and letting your partner scroll through at their own pace & ask questions / follow links / skip over bits they don't like the look of is quite low-pressure for them and saves you having to find things on the spur of the moment.

The Dream A Little podcast is pretty good too, it's very "gentle" or perhaps "partner friendly" for want of a better term and has numerous episodes on telling your partner, being the partner of someone who's ABDL, etc..

Girl On The Net has some good advice on the general "telling your partner" subject:
https://www.girlonthenet.com/2015/10/11/how-do-i-get-my-partner-to-like-marmite/
https://www.girlonthenet.com/2017/05/29/sharing-sexy-fantasies/
https://www.girlonthenet.com/2015/05/15/lonely-world-of-a-weird-fetish-giantess-giant-macrophilia/

A pretty good tumblr post on the subject (there's lots of ABDL on tumblr if you haven't found it already):
https://samsmuts.tumblr.com/post/147907576681/accepting-my-boyfriend-is-abdl

And of course this nice video which doesn't mock or shock:
https://youtu.be/i3QUH431JU0
 
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