Confiding ABDL to others can help

Hi everyone,

I hope your Thanksgiving holiday (here in the states) was good and you had good food and company.

Not a long thread, but just passing on something I'm learning as I have come to terms with this part of who I am. If you have family or friends whom you trust and who you know will keep your conversations private, it can be hugely liberating to tell them about your ABDL side. Depending on the person or people involved, what you tell them and the extent of what you tell them will vary.

In the past year, I have opened up and told all of my siblings and a number of very close friends about my ABDL side, and it has for the most part been a very freeing experience and a relief - like letting go of a dark secret and walking into the light. It has made a huge difference in my own self perception and self confidence.

Now, please, always remember that this is a very vulnerable and (for a majority of us) a private part of who you are - not everyone deserves to know this nor should know this for a whole variety of reasons hashed out in other threads here at ADISC.org and elsewhere. You must be very discerning as to whom you invite into this vulnerable inner circle. But with those whom you can communicate this to, you may be surprised at how accepting and non-judgmental people can be. If they love you, they want you to be happy, and they will convey that to you.

For me, sharing this with people I trust and love has been transformative for me. It certainly took a lot of courage on my part, and it took me decades to get to this point. But I'm glad I did. So I wanted to pass that on to anyone else who may be at a similar point. If you trust the person and the friendship/love is there, you may be surprised by what transpires.

Be well everyone.

I completely agree. If it's a fetish, then that's best left to ourselves (and partner if we have one). But when it's abdl, I believe anyone you consider close to, should be told. And yeah, how close, and how much you say will vary per person.

Not only is this a proven stress reliever for us, but it benefits those we tell as well. Not only will we be sparing them from comming across or accidentally finding our "stash", but they will know you trust them well enough to share our full selves with them.

This is a good message, TabulaRasa. I think it can be easy for people who have spent a long time as kids and teenagers keeping their desires secret to treat ABDL like such a deep dark thing that they can't talk about it with anyone. I first told a friend about four years ago now, and it was both a terrifying and liberating experience. It was a friend that I really trusted and because of her background I had a lot of confidence that she would be accepting and not make it a big deal. Even so, it took me a good twenty minutes from saying I wanted to talk about something difficult for me before I managed to type the word diaper (we were IMing at the time over Skype), and when I finally did it, I was shaking like a leaf in a windstorm. And after that, she said that was cool, and she was glad that I had shared it with her.

I do think that one should be careful, especially with families in certain parts of the U.S. or certain countries in the world where attitudes around sex and alternative lifestyles are still pretty conservative, but if the opportunity to share is present, it really can help to let somebody see this part of yourself because it's an important part.

The other piece of advice that I'd offer is to let people know when you're sharing what you're looking for from them. When I told my first friend, I was living alone and had moved really far away from home and wanted to somebody to know what I was going through and to some extent to let me know if she was worried or thought I had a problem so that I could get some perspective. Being told I was okay was the most important thing for me back then, and it meant the world. A few other friends I've mentioned it to because I sometimes wear diapers during the day when I'm out and about, and it means I don't have to feel nervous if I happen to crinkle while we're out and about or my shirt rides up (although in practice, the only time one of my friends has noticed was when we were at my house having tea and chatting and it was really quiet).

Slomo said:

I completely agree. If it's a fetish, then that's best left to ourselves (and partner if we have one). But when it's abdl, I believe anyone you consider close to, should be told. And yeah, how close, and how much you say will vary per person.

Not only is this a proven stress reliever for us, but it benefits those we tell as well. Not only will we be sparing them from comming across or accidentally finding our "stash", but they will know you trust them well enough to share our full selves with them.

Click to expand...

Thanks, Slomo. And congratulations on your engagement. Yeah, I've found that opening up about this part of myself to trustworthy friends and family has been quite liberating and very good for me. Cheers.

- - - Updated - - -

ArchieRoni said:

This is a good message, TabulaRasa. I think it can be easy for people who have spent a long time as kids and teenagers keeping their desires secret to treat ABDL like such a deep dark thing that they can't talk about it with anyone. I first told a friend about four years ago now, and it was both a terrifying and liberating experience. It was a friend that I really trusted and because of her background I had a lot of confidence that she would be accepting and not make it a big deal. Even so, it took me a good twenty minutes from saying I wanted to talk about something difficult for me before I managed to type the word diaper (we were IMing at the time over Skype), and when I finally did it, I was shaking like a leaf in a windstorm. And after that, she said that was cool, and she was glad that I had shared it with her.

I do think that one should be careful, especially with families in certain parts of the U.S. or certain countries in the world where attitudes around sex and alternative lifestyles are still pretty conservative, but if the opportunity to share is present, it really can help to let somebody see this part of yourself because it's an important part.

The other piece of advice that I'd offer is to let people know when you're sharing what you're looking for from them. When I told my first friend, I was living alone and had moved really far away from home and wanted to somebody to know what I was going through and to some extent to let me know if she was worried or thought I had a problem so that I could get some perspective. Being told I was okay was the most important thing for me back then, and it meant the world. A few other friends I've mentioned it to because I sometimes wear diapers during the day when I'm out and about, and it means I don't have to feel nervous if I happen to crinkle while we're out and about or my shirt rides up (although in practice, the only time one of my friends has noticed was when we were at my house having tea and chatting and it was really quiet).

Click to expand...

Hi ArchieRoni,

Thank you. I totally get you on the terrifying and liberating part of this. I think the first few people I shared this with I was shaking, but it has gotten easier to put out there, again to those whom I trust. And I haven't told my parents because I felt for me that was crossing a line - ABDL is part of my sexual identity, and there are some things my parents probably shouldn't know. Not because they'd be judgmental, but because for me it just felt like something that is part of my adult world but not part of my relationship with them. I don't wear around others ever, although I would with the right person, but for me that's not as important. But being told by those I love and trust that I'm okay is certainly what I've needed to hear for a very long time.

Be well.

I've thought about telling my daughter, but only because should I drop dead, she could come to the house and clean things out before the rest of the family found out. I just don't have a need to tell others, but I'm of that older generation that kept a lot to ourselves, so that may be why.

dogboy said:

I've thought about telling my daughter, but only because should I drop dead, she could come to the house and clean things out before the rest of the family found out. I just don't have a need to tell others, but I'm of that older generation that kept a lot to ourselves, so that may be why.

Click to expand...

Hi dogboy,

I guess everyone should do what they feel is right; I would certainly not want to suggest people overshare or share this recklessly.

I don't know how much older you are than me, dogboy. I'm in my 40s, making me "Generation X." So I guess I straddle analog and digital, LOL.

For me, sharing this vulnerable part of who I am with those I love and trust has been like a huge weight lifted. I think being through a bad relationship, going through a divorce, I'm sort of at a point in my life where I just want to be real. ABDL caused me significant struggles when it came to finding a partner, and I've grown tired of pretending to those I love and trust like this is all just because I'm some nerdy scientist (well, that's true) who doesn't know how to talk to the opposite sex (not true). I've got the rest of my life pretty well sorted, have a career I love, and I have a great relationship with my children because I've been the real me in those parts of my life. But I haven't been the real me in terms of the role ABDL plays for me in my sexuality and, to be honest, in how I need to be loved. But now I am being real there, too, and I don't need fixing. Like many of us, I'm just looking for an adult relationship that is healthy and that acknowledges that ABDL, too, is part of who I am.

Thanks, dogboy, I always appreciate your perspective. Be well.

dogboy said:

I've thought about telling my daughter, but only because should I drop dead, she could come to the house and clean things out before the rest of the family found out. I just don't have a need to tell others, but I'm of that older generation that kept a lot to ourselves, so that may be why.

Click to expand...

Forward thinking. If either or both of my parents had something like that, I'd be happy to take care of it for them. I'd want them to tell me if they felt like they needed to for peace of mind but if they were fine with it, I think an explanatory letter in the stash would be sufficient. As I get older, I should probably consider something similar if I wind up living alone again. I think the most important part of that would be for whoever to know that I was a happy weirdo.

dogboy said:

I've thought about telling my daughter, but only because should I drop dead, she could come to the house and clean things out before the rest of the family found out. I just don't have a need to tell others, but I'm of that older generation that kept a lot to ourselves, so that may be why.

Click to expand...

That happened with my wife's dad. He passed from chemo therapy treatment (not the cancer). When we went to clear out his estate we found an unusable, pee stained mattress, and a stash of depends pullups in the back of his closet. (Which explained the pee stains).

We didn't think anything lesser of him, and in his case had a really good excuse thanks to the chemo. But he did try and hide it without ever thinking someone would come across it. Someone ALWAYS comes across your stash sooner or later.

dogboy said:

I've thought about telling my daughter, but only because should I drop dead, she could come to the house and clean things out before the rest of the family found out. I just don't have a need to tell others, but I'm of that older generation that kept a lot to ourselves, so that may be why.

Click to expand...

Alternately, randomly buy a bunch of things for other fetishes that you don't actually plan to use, but that covers a pretty solid variety. Then stash the whole set together with your diapers and tell your family nothing. They'll have some great conversations during your funeral. :biggrin:
(Note for the internet that this is not real advice.)

My situation is different. I did bury my DL side deep for decades--wasn't even wearing but it was waiting to come back out--but now I can freely wear because of my incontinence issues. It sucks that my declining health was required to let that part out but I need whatever joy and comfort I can get. Besides, I could last for quite a few more years if I'm lucky.

ArchieRoni said:

Alternately, randomly buy a bunch of things for other fetishes that you don't actually plan to use, but that covers a pretty solid variety. Then stash the whole set together with your diapers and tell your family nothing. They'll have some great conversations during your funeral. :biggrin:
(Note for the internet that this is not real advice.)

Click to expand...

LOL, ArchieRoni - that is pretty damn funny. I might take you up on that "advice." :smile1:

It's funny, but over the years I've developed a close bond with my daughter. Both of my sons played football and one coaches football. I'm afraid they might think less of me. Maybe it's just me. My daughter is like me in so many ways: sensitive, giving, concerned for others, just like her mother. I think that's why my wife and I clicked when we first met. We were so similar in the things that matter. It's not that my sons aren't, because they are, but they're guys, if that makes sense. I honestly think I'm gender fluid as I can identify with both though I'm mostly male. But still.....I know I'm different.

When my wife was starting to show signs of wearing down, I did have some interesting, heart to heart conversations with my daughter. I did tell her about my relationship with my best friend in college and I almost told her about being AB/DL, but I didn't. I felt like I had already given her enough to digest. And of course, we both had the extreme worry concerning my wife. Now, I'll have to wait for another opportunity to present itself. Hopefully it's under better times, something good instead of the past several years.

As for those who do tell, each one of us have different needs so I perfectly understand others having that need. I go out diapered a lot more now. It just doesn't bother me that much. It's another way of sort of telling, just less commitment I suppose.

PaddedDeist said:

My situation is different. I did bury my DL side deep for decades--wasn't even wearing but it was waiting to come back out--but now I can freely wear because of my incontinence issues. It sucks that my declining health was required to let that part out but I need whatever joy and comfort I can get. Besides, I could last for quite a few more years if I'm lucky.

Click to expand...

Hi PaddedDeist,

I hope you last for many more years! I guess none of us have any guarantees, so you have to find joy and comfort where and when you can. Not knowing the specifics, I wish you the best with your health struggles.

BTW, I love that you used Bender from the Futurama episode where Zoidberg "fixes" everybody as your avatar.

Be well and thanks for sharing.

- - - Updated - - -

dogboy said:

It's funny, but over the years I've developed a close bond with my daughter. Both of my sons played football and one coaches football. I'm afraid they might think less of me. Maybe it's just me. My daughter is like me in so many ways: sensitive, giving, concerned for others, just like her mother. I think that's why my wife and I clicked when we first met. We were so similar in the things that matter. It's not that my sons aren't, because they are, but they're guys, if that makes sense. I honestly think I'm gender fluid as I can identify with both though I'm mostly male. But still.....I know I'm different.

When my wife was starting to show signs of wearing down, I did have some interesting, heart to heart conversations with my daughter. I did tell her about my relationship with my best friend in college and I almost told her about being AB/DL, but I didn't. I felt like I had already given her enough to digest. And of course, we both had the extreme worry concerning my wife. Now, I'll have to wait for another opportunity to present itself. Hopefully it's under better times, something good instead of the past several years.

As for those who do tell, each one of us have different needs so I perfectly understand others having that need. I go out diapered a lot more now. It just doesn't bother me that much. It's another way of sort of telling, just less commitment I suppose.

Click to expand...

Just popped back in to respond to other folks and saw your post, dogboy. Thanks for sharing - having children certainly puts life in a different light. I, too, have a daughter and I have a very special bond with her. I have no idea if I'll ever share this part of me with my children because, well, since it's part of my sexuality, it's not the sort of thing you want to burden your children with. I think if I knew one of my kids was struggling with their sexuality, I might share it then to show them that sex comes in a lot of flavors and not to beat themselves up about it like I did nearly all of my adult life to this point. I have never worn in public and I keep my things well hidden from the kids except for my teddy bear.

I think your point about gender is interesting. I think in our U.S. society we tend to nurture boys less as they get older, and we certainly don't go in for them having plush toys or juvenile things beyond elementary school years. I think for some of us, this fetish is an expression of that deep desire to be nurtured and to hold on to some of the comforts of our childhood. But it's tricky, right? If you're like me, you still want an adult life and an adult relationship with someone, but you want that acknowledgment of this vulnerable, tender, child-like side as well. At least for me, that's part of the excitement - that another soul would really get this part of me at least to some degree and acknowledge it.

Be well and take care.

TabulaRasa2017 said:

. At least for me, that's part of the excitement - that another soul would really get this part of me at least to some degree and acknowledge it.

Be well and take care.

Click to expand...

That's what's so special with the relationship that I have with my daughter. Like my wife, she gets me, and you're right. Someone has to get you otherwise we become very unhappy.

dogboy said:

That's what's so special with the relationship that I have with my daughter. Like my wife, she gets me, and you're right. Someone has to get you otherwise we become very unhappy.

Click to expand...

I'm very happy for you and I very much agree -- and I intend to find that someone. Thanks, dogboy.

Well I must admit that I did have quite an interesting last few days because of this exact topic.

For reasons that don’t really matter anymore since they have been resolved my relationship was slowly falling apart and getting to the point where I didn’t really feel any sort of connection with my other half.
After that a few mistakes were made and regrettable things said I still couldn’t get myself to just walk away, so in a desperate attempt to find one last solid reason to just end everything we started talking again.
(Yes I know I was being horrible for doing something like that and I even apologised after the fact).
And at some point the discussion came across diaperfurs, and I saw my chance and took it, especially considering i knew he didn’t really like them and thought it was just “cringy” and “just no”
Well one well placed intro to the entire thing and I told him I was one as well...
Ohh boy, did that NOT go as expected.
He legitimately had no more predispositions on the subject nor did he think it (or atleast dare say it) was a “bad” thing.
Suddenly 5 hours later it’s almost 2 in the morning and we set off on a path to fix our relationship on the account of me “finally opening up to him”.
And I do have to admit that... it felt good...
I can’t really describe it but it really is liberating to have someone to talk about this that isn’t just a name on the screen (now don’t take this the wrong way, i have great friendships that were established over the internet and exist only there, but it really is a different thing) but actually someone that I see and spend time with every week for at least 3 days, and someone that I actually can call my own.
I mean hell, now he even finds the entire thing “adorable”, and after mentioning that since I now have a new job I’ll be ordering some from ABU as a little gift from me to myself, he even asked if he can see what they looked like and asked if he can get to pick which ones I’d take...
My mind was just... it was gone okay, in pieces, shredded by the implosion that happened in that moment.

So all in all, if things continue like this, I can genuinely say that diapers have saved my relationship...
Thats why as of now I’d also recommend finding someone in your life that you can trust with this, the comfort that a diaper can bring, be it mental or physical is nothing compared to being able to talk to someone you care about things like this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Melon said:

So all in all, if things continue like this, I can genuinely say that diapers have saved my relationship...
Thats why as of now I’d also recommend finding someone in your life that you can trust with this, the comfort that a diaper can bring, be it mental or physical is nothing compared to being able to talk to someone you care about things like this.

Click to expand...

Hey Melon,

Thanks for sharing that! And I am looking to find someone whom I can share this with and trust this with. It's like dogboy and others have said - your partner has to get this part of you or we generally don't do too well. This helped me.

Be well.

I’d absolutely love to tell my family and not have to hide it like a dirty little secret, but honestly I’m scared out of my mind to do it. About 6 years back, there was a program on TV and they were talking about ABDL, they even interviewed someone who was AB, and I remember my dad saying something like ”There must be something wrong with him” and my mom nodding along, ”Maybe his brain is not fully developed” or something along those lines. They thought it was outrageous any grown person would be like that.

Now, my parents are honestly very open-minded to most things - ”if it’s not hurting anyone, let people do it” -, but this is one of the few things that are too ”weird” for them. So they’re out of the question. My older sister once found my stash of diapers, and her voice when she asked me what they were doing there tells it all; she wouldn’t understand. So I told her I ”got so annoyed at having my sheets always bloody when it’s that time of the month” that I bought diapers on an impulse. I’m pretty sure she believed it. (Almost a year) later my mom found my stash as well, but she didn’t say anything; that’s how it’s always been in our house. If it’s out of the ordinary, you don’t talk about it, you ignore it.

Now, as for my friends. I honestly can’t say I believe they’d understand either. It’s the kind of thing they read about online and laugh at how these kind of people even exist. I’m sure if I told them I was ABDL, they’d be like ”okay cool” and try to act like always, but... they’d be a bit weirded out, and I don’t want that. So unfortunately I don’t have anyone to tell, other than the other ABDL friends I make online, but I think I’ll live haha. It’d be amazing to be able to tell someone, and maybe I’ll yet meet someone who’d be more accepting of this particular side to me.

kashiak said:

I’d absolutely love to tell my family and not have to hide it like a dirty little secret, but honestly I’m scared out of my mind to do it. About 6 years back, there was a program on TV and they were talking about ABDL, they even interviewed someone who was AB, and I remember my dad saying something like ”There must be something wrong with him” and my mom nodding along, ”Maybe his brain is not fully developed” or something along those lines. They thought it was outrageous any grown person would be like that.

Now, my parents are honestly very open-minded to most things - ”if it’s not hurting anyone, let people do it” -, but this is one of the few things that are too ”weird” for them. So they’re out of the question. My older sister once found my stash of diapers, and her voice when she asked me what they were doing there tells it all; she wouldn’t understand. So I told her I ”got so annoyed at having my sheets always bloody when it’s that time of the month” that I bought diapers on an impulse. I’m pretty sure she believed it. (Almost a year) later my mom found my stash as well, but she didn’t say anything; that’s how it’s always been in our house. If it’s out of the ordinary, you don’t talk about it, you ignore it.

Now, as for my friends. I honestly can’t say I believe they’d understand either. It’s the kind of thing they read about online and laugh at how these kind of people even exist. I’m sure if I told them I was ABDL, they’d be like ”okay cool” and try to act like always, but... they’d be a bit weirded out, and I don’t want that. So unfortunately I don’t have anyone to tell, other than the other ABDL friends I make online, but I think I’ll live haha. It’d be amazing to be able to tell someone, and maybe I’ll yet meet someone who’d be more accepting of this particular side to me.

Click to expand...

Hi kashiak,

I try to respond to these threads as soon as I can, but I've been busy the past few days! But I wanted to respond to your post because I think you're kind of where I was when I was your age. I certainly would not pretend to know what this is like from a female perspective, but I think there are certain commonalities.

First, please know that you are not alone and that there is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps you've reached this plateau, but it took me decades to get there. You need to repeat to yourself that you are okay as often as possible because it's true. Your ABDL may be a secret, but it's not dirty!

Second, there may not be a reason to share this with your parents. I never have because for me my ABDL is tied up in my sexuality, and for me I kind of draw a line with telling my parents that stuff. So that is understandable. You mentioned your older sister's reaction to finding your stash. That may not necessarily mean they will judge you harshly. I have a number of siblings, and one in particular I thought would judge me or make fun of me based on previous discussions. When I finally opened up to them, their reaction was one of sympathy and understanding. It really surprised me! You know your own family better than anyone, and only you can know when and to whom you can open up to, but you might be surprised.

Third, I would only open up to those you love and trust. This is certainly a vulnerable part of who you are, and only special people deserve to know about it.

Finally, if I can be so pretentious as to offer "wise" advice, be you. I know that sounds trite but honestly you want to find a relationship with someone who will honor and understand this part of who you are. Don't do what I did for so long - try to deny, hide, bury, and otherwise pretend this didn't exist; or to admit it like a guilty confession and then claim you could get over it. Others pick up on that and you come across as not genuine even if you are in all other aspects. If ABDL is part of your sexuality, trust me, don't deny this - it will not lead to anything in the long run but pain for you and your partner. Better to have someone leave you early on because they can't go there than to gut it out for years feeling like your core needs are not being met.

I stress that I'm not a therapist and my advice is simply my own life lessons. The great part about advice is that it's free so you can take it or leave it. But regardless of what you do, I wish you the best and I hope you will find someone in real life who will and can understand this essential part of who you are.

Be well.