Familial Issues

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Benzie

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  1. Incontinent
(Oh boy, this one's gonna be a bit long. Sorry about that in advance!)

So, I posted on here about my issues dealing with incontinence not too long ago, and I got some great advice, all of which I'm taking into account and using to help the situation going forward.

I don't think I've mentioned it in detail yet, but my family is well aware of the issues I'm having. I avoided letting anyone know about what was going on for nearly two months before I was caught, mainly because I was afraid of any reactions I'd get from them. That wasn't totally fair to them, they've been as supportive as they can through this, even cracking jokes with me to lighten the mood sometimes. But, there's been some issues.

The thing about my parents, particularly my mother, is that they've always felt a need to pressure answers out of me when it comes to medical questions. I was very secretive and quick to say a white lie from the time they raised me until about three years ago. Also, it's worth noting that I have a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome, so I also often didn't understand how to communicate properly.

As a result, my mother seems to take the position that she knows the immediate answer to anything about me, that she knows me better than even I do, and while I've really only gotten a good hold of my bearings both socially and physically in the last few years, it feels belittling to constantly have to bite my lip and nod my head when she "discusses" things with me.

Case in point, I woke up this morning, and unfortunately I was soaked. Usually, if I'm already going to change and it's not horrible, I'll try and push out any little bit of urine I've still got when I wake up. If I can tell it's a lot, I try to hold it as I'm headed to the bathroom to take my medication anyways. I had nothing coming out this morning, so I went downstairs and took my pill, then left the bathroom.

Her biggest suggestion throughout all of this was that I head to the bathroom constantly, even if I didn't feel like I had to go, which didn't make much sense to me. Besides, I'd often not be able to make it to the toilet if I did feel like I had to go, and sometimes I wouldn't even notice until it's too late. So, to me, it was pointless to walk to the bathroom. Even still, I went at least once every two hours, maybe missing a few here and there.

When I left the bathroom this morning, she asked if I'd already gone. I told her no, and she asked why I hadn't. I started to tell her why, but she went on about how she doesn't understand why I seem to be comfortable just using a diaper, and why, if this is the Navy's fault, I'm not pursuing any kind of action (for context, I had a cystoscopy late in boot camp that was done poorly, with three realignments of the camera).

Of course, I told her that I'm not pursuing it yet because I've not got the insurance to see a urologist again. Job Corps is setting me up with one, but I haven't pressed the issue with them and I've actively told them I'm not currently concerned about it because SHE insisted that I'd better not come off needy, as if I were coming to Job Corps purely for free healthcare. I would've said much more, but I never feel comfortable doing it. My parents both gave me some more advice about setting up a schedule, and that was that. She apologized for upsetting me, which she always does, and I appreciate.

My main problem with all of this is that, while I'm not necessarily scared of either of my parents, I feel just the slightest bit manipulated by them at times. They both actively avoid seeking medial attention until it's really necessary, and so I've adopted that trait myself. I've seen them shrug off painful injuries for the greater interest in finishing a project or continuing to be active, and so I've tried to do the same. I listen to my parent's advice and suggestions in general, but whenever I disagree with them on something, I'm met with some sort of passive aggressive behavior that immediately makes me feel horrible. Like, the other day I had plans to get a haircut, my mother wanted me to as well. I enjoy having no hair, my mother thinks it doesn't look good on me. So, I insisted that I'd be getting it shaved down, and immediately she scoffs and tells me whatever, that it's my choice to make.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but this seems to happen a lot. Just today, I forgot to bring a dog back inside from the yard and went up to my room, didn't even have my TV on. My mother noticed, and immediately I get defensive, because her response is ALWAYS either about me being distracted by problems I'm not telling her, or by a game/phone/etc. If I make a mistake, there's a deeper meaning that I'm hiding from her. If I disagree, it's because I never listen to her. It's like this with nearly everything, nothing too big, just small things here and there. Death by one thousand cuts, if you will.

Some of these things apply to my father as well, and there's too many of these repeating situations to write down, but the meat of this argument should be simple. My parents don't understand that the reason I don't run to the bathroom as often as I can think is not only because it feels futile and becomes emotionally difficult to do, but also because I'm trying my best to practice control. When I'm sitting, I do kegals. When I'm at the toilet, I try to stop and start any flow I have. I'm fighting my hardest to get a visit with the doctor, but it's the best I can do to hope for an appointment in the next two months. Hell, at her request, I've cut myself down to one, maybe two diapers a day, because we're on a budget and I'm trying not to ask her to buy any more. These things aren't even plastic backed, but I do it anyways and try to keep everything out of their focus as to not upset them, only to get yelled at.

(FYI, Job Corps is trying to set me up to get supplies, but it's taking some time.)

I guess this was just a rant, but I needed to get my feelings out there. My parents are good, loving, honest people, and maybe this is just the depression talking, but I feel bullied into listening and not being allowed to talk all the time with these things. I know they love me, and they just want me to be happy, and I know they're trying to help, but sometimes it's hard to handle.

Thanks for reading.

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Your parents sounds a lot like mine. Both my dad and my stepmom can be overbearing, and sometimes think that their opinions of what I might need are more important than my own feelings. I'm also borderline Asperger's, so our dynamic was similar to what you're describing.

Maybe it'll help you to know that your not alone in this, that others of us have had to deal with situations not all that different from yours. I can relate to what a difficult place it puts you in, and how hard it is not to just scream at them to shut up and leave you alone.

I eventually reached that point with my folks. They ended up not speaking to me for five years. Things are ok now, but my relationship will never be as close as it was before. That's not a path I'd recommend, but it worked out eventually.

One of the best things you can do is get some distance between you and your parents. I know that may not be practical right now, but now is a good time to make long term plans. It sounds like you're on a good track there, so part of what might help is just to focus on the increased independence that's right around the corner.
 
ltaluv said:
Your parents sounds a lot like mine. Both my dad and my stepmom can be overbearing, and sometimes think that their opinions of what I might need are more important than my own feelings. I'm also borderline Asperger's, so our dynamic was similar to what you're describing.

Maybe it'll help you to know that your not alone in this, that others of us have had to deal with situations not all that different from yours. I can relate to what a difficult place it puts you in, and how hard it is not to just scream at them to shut up and leave you alone.

I eventually reached that point with my folks. They ended up not speaking to me for five years. Things are ok now, but my relationship will never be as close as it was before. That's not a path I'd recommend, but it worked out eventually.

One of the best things you can do is get some distance between you and your parents. I know that may not be practical right now, but now is a good time to make long term plans. It sounds like you're on a good track there, so part of what might help is just to focus on the increased independence that's right around the corner.
I think that's a fair point, and everyone here supports that. My parents aren't the type to kick me out, but as my mother puts it, "We don't want you out of the house, but, we want you out of the house." In other words, this is always my home, but they want to see me on my own.

And, I'm working on that. I just started my CDL training at Job Corps, and believe it or not, it's credited as one of the best training centers in the country for CDL. There's only 3 centers in the U.S. that teach it, and we get between 8-12 months and over 300 hours of driving before we go, minimum 5 months. We're also set up to get a job with Werner Trucking, hell, I met a guy just this past Monday who has been working with them for three years, and has been able to buy a home, two cars, and support a wife and three kids. I know I'll be fine moving out.

Thanks for the words of support, it does help.

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Well first, tell all this to your mom. Tell her you can still tell when you need to pee, and tell her you are already going to the bathroom every two hours. The diapers allow you to cope with your problem, and ease your steress about it too. There's nothing lazy about that.

Ask her if she honestly thinks going every hour is the answer- like she said. Then ask her to think about dropping whatever she is doing and go to the bathroom every hour herself. Point out that's just silly, and certainly not sustainable. So why should you.

I do agree with your mom that you should be pressing to see a urologist though. Ignoring your problem is a guarantee it will not get better, probably worse even. You may enjoy not having to worry about peeing now. But are you really that willing to risk it getting worse though? You think a cystoscopy is bad, well guess what, they have a lot worse a urologist can out you through- IF you get bad enough to warrant it. Keep ignoring your problem, and you can go from a simple camera to a painful scalpel real fast.
 
Slomo said:
Well first, tell all this to your mom. Tell her you can still tell when you need to pee, and tell her you are already going to the bathroom every two hours. The diapers allow you to cope with your problem, and ease your steress about it too. There's nothing lazy about that.

Ask her if she honestly thinks going every hour is the answer- like she said. Then ask her to think about dropping whatever she is doing and go to the bathroom every hour herself. Point out that's just silly, and certainly not sustainable. So why should you.

I do agree with your mom that you should be pressing to see a urologist though. Ignoring your problem is a guarantee it will not get better, probably worse even. You may enjoy not having to worry about peeing now. But are you really that willing to risk it getting worse though? You think a cystoscopy is bad, well guess what, they have a lot worse a urologist can out you through- IF you get bad enough to warrant it. Keep ignoring your problem, and you can go from a simple camera to a painful scalpel real fast.
I know where you're coming from. Though, I can promise you that if I tell her how I feel, I'll be the one made out to be the asshole in this situation. Suddenly, I'll be the one assuming too much of her. She has very little patience for criticism.

And, I'm not ignoring the problem, but I also can't pull all that money out of thin air. I'm waiting to be seen by a specialist, Job Corps will be getting me an appointment.

In fact, the woman I'm working with in Wellness specializes in Urology.

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Time to move out! I was a parent of three. I never got in their case over their choices, except when it came to their avoiding doing dishes. Never searched their stuff. Never forced my choices on them.

When the things you describe occur, it's because they feel like they can get away with it, as in, "you're living under my roof..."

Move out from under their roof!
 
My mom is a lot like that too, she always thinks she knows everything better than I do and knows me better than I do - not to mention getting passive-agressive if I don’t agree with her.

It used to be so much worse before, but I sat her down and I told her to shut her mouth and listen to me. And then I told her every single little feeling that I had been hiding, and how her behavior makes me feel awful, and that even though I know she’s thinking of what’s best for me, it’s not what I want. (Plus I moved to the other side of the damn planet but, eh...)

I know it can be hard, really hard, but in the end talking is always better than just keeping it to yourself and being silent. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing and that it’s hurting you. So even if you think she’ll not take it well, go to her and tell how her behavior makes you feel - at least you’ll know she knows from then on.

Also if she tries to make you into the ”asshole” in the situation, just tell her calmly that you’re just saying what you feel, what her behaviour is doing to you, and that you would appreciate if she backed off a little. And remember you never need to feel bad for trying to convey your feelings.
 
Jamieboy said:
Time to move out! I was a parent of three. I never got in their case over their choices, except when it came to their avoiding doing dishes. Never searched their stuff. Never forced my choices on them.

When the things you describe occur, it's because they feel like they can get away with it, as in, "you're living under my roof..."

Move out from under their roof!
I can't move out. I could start living at Job Corps, but my partner has already purchased a plane ticket for next year to come down and see me.

Not to mention, I was already moved out and living on my own. I had intended to some time ago, and I had a trip with my fraternity that, last second, I found out I had no immediate ride from. I had to drive down four hours to get picked up by another person, and when my mother messaged me to check up, I told her the truth. She then proceeded to tell me she'd be calling the police I would be arrested for stealing her car (I was on the insurance, still am.) My father even called from Afghanistan to tell me that he'd have me arrested if I didn't bring it back in five hours.

I just... I can't deal with this anymore.

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kashiak said:
My mom is a lot like that too, she always thinks she knows everything better than I do and knows me better than I do - not to mention getting passive-agressive if I don’t agree with her.

It used to be so much worse before, but I sat her down and I told her to shut her mouth and listen to me. And then I told her every single little feeling that I had been hiding, and how her behavior makes me feel awful, and that even though I know she’s thinking of what’s best for me, it’s not what I want. (Plus I moved to the other side of the damn planet but, eh...)

I know it can be hard, really hard, but in the end talking is always better than just keeping it to yourself and being silent. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing and that it’s hurting you. So even if you think she’ll not take it well, go to her and tell how her behavior makes you feel - at least you’ll know she knows from then on.

Also if she tries to make you into the ”asshole” in the situation, just tell her calmly that you’re just saying what you feel, what her behaviour is doing to you, and that you would appreciate if she backed off a little. And remember you never need to feel bad for trying to convey your feelings.
I had that conversation with her today. Apparently me not taking the trash out and spending most of my time when I get home, the three and a half hours I have before bed, is taking advantage of her being nice. I tried to tell her this exact thing, and her response was that she's tired of me having excuses for not doing something, that if I want to live my life like that, I'm in for a rude awakening, and that she's tired of me blaming her.

I'm being manipulated.

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Benzie said:
I had that conversation with her today. Apparently me not taking the trash out and spending most of my time when I get home, the three and a half hours I have before bed, is taking advantage of her being nice. I tried to tell her this exact thing, and her response was that she's tired of me having excuses for not doing something, that if I want to live my life like that, I'm in for a rude awakening, and that she's tired of me blaming her.

I'm being manipulated.

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Well, first of all I’m very glad you talked to her :) I agree that her reaction leaves a lot to be desired though - she should be able to take critisism and be more aware of how her behavior is making others feel at her age (of course I don’t know how old she is but everyone over the age of like, 10 should).

You know what, just ignore her. She’s being selfish, and you’ve done nothing wrong. If she refuses to talk like an adult, then there is no point in paying any attention to her. I know it sucks, since she is your mother, but believe me it’s best for your own mental health if you just don’t pay mind to what she says. I used to have a whole bunch of self-confidence issues and whatnot because of my mother (even though she didn’t mean it like that), but the moment I learned to kind of shut her out and since I moved out of the house I’ve been getting better.

I really hope you’ll find a solution as well!
 
Benzie said:
I had that conversation with her today. Apparently me not taking the trash out and spending most of my time when I get home, the three and a half hours I have before bed, is taking advantage of her being nice. I tried to tell her this exact thing, and her response was that she's tired of me having excuses for not doing something, that if I want to live my life like that, I'm in for a rude awakening, and that she's tired of me blaming her.

I'm being manipulated.

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Wow, it really does sound like youre taking a huge advantage of your mom. Shame on you for living with them rent free, shame on you for stealing her car, and shame on you not even helping out around the house.
 
Slomo said:
Wow, it really does sound like youre taking a huge advantage of your mom. Shame on you for living with them rent free, shame on you for stealing her car, and shame on you not even helping out around the house.
I'm... I'm sorry, is this sarcasm?

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Benzie said:
I'm... I'm sorry, is this sarcasm?

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No, I'm quite serious. You need a good hard dose of reality here. And sometimes helping someone means kicking them in the ass.

You seriously need to start acting like an adult. And you seriously need to appologize to your mom!

The whole world does not revolve around what you want. It's time to lower your job search standards, and get whatever you can. Get your own darned car too!
 
Slomo said:
No, I'm quite serious. You need a good hard dose of reality here. And sometimes helping someone means kicking them in the ass.

You seriously need to start acting like an adult. And you seriously need to appologize to your mom!

The whole world does not revolve around what you want. It's time to lower your job search standards, and get whatever you can. Get your own darned car too!

If you’re trying to be funny... it’s not funny.
 
Slomo said:
No, I'm quite serious. You need a good hard dose of reality here. And sometimes helping someone means kicking them in the ass.

You seriously need to start acting like an adult. And you seriously need to appologize to your mom!

The whole world does not revolve around what you want. It's time to lower your job search standards, and get whatever you can. Get your own darned car too!
So, to clarify:

I had a steady job, in fact, I had already moved out on my own with some co-workers and was doing fine. I had planned to get funding from my local community Center to take a CDL course at a nearby community college.

Before that, I took a year of college for Criminal Justice after I was discharged from the Navy, and stayed on campus the first semester. I moved back home because my mother asked me to, and after that year was done, I already had my job for a few months and was paying all of my personal bills, including half of the payment for my car each month. My mother took care of the other half, she offered.

Oh, and I also gave her $1800 out of the refund I got for moving off campus that semester to help her cover her bills.

I have nine dogs at our house, I take care of them daily, as well as doing the construction when my father is overseas. I've helped build two decks, multiple projects around the three houses we've lived in at this state, and I myself have put up probably 5 fences on my own.

That car? We've had that since I was 16, my mother has explicitly told me it's MY car, and wants me to take it when I leave. I did when I moved out, and still paid for it.

Am I perfect? No. I'm not. But I am an adult, I'm not a child, and I don't act like one.

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kashiak said:
If you’re trying to be funny... it’s not funny.
Oh, and I'll add that I was spending that time each day relaxing because my mother on MORE than one occasion has insisted my only focus should be my training. I'm taking an 8-12 CDL course from Job Corps. I get up at about 4:45 every morning to get dressed and drive down to where I get picked up, and I'm back at around 5:30, in bed by 9 at the latest. I still do what I can.

This last August, I was asked to come home by my mother, and had to pick between my job and my family. I was supposed to be sent down to another store of the same company for a week, it's four hours away. So, because my mother needed someone to stay at home while she flew out to the literal other side of the country and drive back with a new vehicle, I quit my job and moved back home that day. You just do that for family, it's what you do.

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Benzie said:
This last August, I was asked to come home by my mother, and had to pick between my job and my family. I was supposed to be sent down to another store of the same company for a week, it's four hours away. So, because my mother needed someone to stay at home while she flew out to the literal other side of the country and drive back with a new vehicle, I quit my job and moved back home that day. You just do that for family, it's what you do.

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You’ve obviously done more than enough for your mother (and your family), and I really wish they could see that. I can’t honestly say I would have done the same. If she’s going to treat me like shit, basically, she doesn’t get any help either.
 
kashiak said:
You’ve obviously done more than enough for your mother (and your family), and I really wish they could see that. I can’t honestly say I would have done the same. If she’s going to treat me like shit, basically, she doesn’t get any help either.
Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and this isn't 24/7. I love my mother for a reason. It's just that this happens enough that it's difficult, something that I'm told one week, I get yelled at with seemingly no warning.

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Benzie said:
Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and this isn't 24/7. I love my mother for a reason. It's just that this happens enough that it's difficult, something that I'm told one week, I get yelled at with seemingly no warning.

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Oh, no I didn’t mean to say she was a horrible person. I’m not saying my mother is either, she does try her best, but what I do most often is if she starts taking my help for granted and starts treating me like she used to, I refuse to help her with anything until she realizes just because I’m her child she can’t just treat me however. Idk maybe I’m selfish ^^”
 
kashiak said:
If you’re trying to be funny... it’s not funny.

What part of my message is even remotely funny? Did you not see where I said I was quite serious? Well, I am.

You taking advantage of you family like that IS very serious. And offensive to me too. You really should feel ashamed for it.
 
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