Is This Crossing a Line?

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KimbaFoxNatsume

Pokemon Trainer in, err, Training... Pants
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I made a blog post about this and haven't gotten any replies, and would like some people's opinions, so...

Lately I've taken to lying next to my mother as she sits on the couch, and resting my head on the pillow on her lap, or by her leg. (The jealous dog who thinks this is some kind of invitation to play is a major bother though.) I'm what you could call ''touch-starved,'' which has a negative impact on my mental health, and do this to try to gain some little bit of human contact. I don't think she's always 100% thrilled to have me there (the other day I heard ''You're invading my space'' and maybe she tried to push me away a bit), but she doesn't try too hard to get rid of me.

Sometimes I have my pacifier, and yesterday morning I put my head on her lap pillow and finished my bottle (while wearing footie pajamas with a modded Pull-Up underneath).

I'm just not completely sure if this is OK or if I'm treading into some kind of taboo waters. Like I'm forcing my interests onto my mother or something? Even though my mom knows about the diaper thing now, I still try to keep it fairly low-key. The way I look at is, this is pretty much my only option for semi-meaningful human contact. I'm just trying to dampen that deep, nagging need inside of me for some attention and affection. It's not like I'm asking for a diaper change or anything, although I have noticed my mood shifting to kind of playful and attention-seeking during these times.
 
It sounds like you might be. You should never force your diaper related interests onto someone else. Your being diapered with a paci while invading her space does count as just that.
 
If it is ok for everyone involved than it is ok.

You should not force the others to things they don't want.
 
She's telling you how she feels and you need to listen to it. It's too bad because it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. My little pal likes to do the same thing and I enjoy it. I'm not your mom and she's not liking it, so you should back off. Sorry I can't give you a happier answer.
 
Slomo said:
It sounds like you might be. You should never force your diaper related interests onto someone else. Your being diapered with a paci while invading her space does count as just that.

My mother has seen me with a pacifier many times before, so it's nothing new. I also doubt she picks up on it when I'm wearing a diaper.

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Trevor said:
She's telling you how she feels and you need to listen to it. It's too bad because it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. My little pal likes to do the same thing and I enjoy it. I'm not your mom and she's not liking it, so you should back off. Sorry I can't give you a happier answer.

She didn't try to push me away the last couple of times.
 
KimbaWolfNagihiko said:
[snipped]She didn't try to push me away the last couple of times.

She's your mom. She's registered her complaint but she endures because she loves you. It's one of those "this is my life now" things. She's not into it. She probably just expects more boundary space between herself and her adult child on most occasions.

I do enjoy it (with the right person) and still my little guy asks every time. It's a norm between us but he still wants that positive assent before pushing on my space.
 
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Trevor said:
She's your mom. She's registered her complaint but she endures because she loves you. It's one of those "this is my life now" things. She's not into it. She probably just expects more boundary space between herself and her adult child on most occasions.

I do enjoy it (with the right person) and still my little guy asks every time. It's a norm between us but he still wants that positive assent before pushing on my space.

When I came out to my mom about wearing diapers and being an adult baby, I tried sticking to the basic details. She didn't need to know about the sexual element so I left that out - in addition to the whole fact that I desperately yearn for someone to nurture and care for me like an actual child. So there were no ground rules set, no ''Is it OK for me to do this or this?'' So I'm not sure if my mom registers the fact that when I come lie next to her, that's where it's coming from.

I just know that feeling unwanted hurts.
 
KimbaWolfNagihiko said:
When I came out to my mom about wearing diapers and being an adult baby, I tried sticking to the basic details. She didn't need to know about the sexual element so I left that out - in addition to the whole fact that I desperately yearn for someone to nurture and care for me like an actual child. So there were no ground rules set, no ''Is it OK for me to do this or this?'' So I'm not sure if my mom registers the fact that when I come lie next to her, that's where it's coming from.

I just know that feeling unwanted hurts.

She did her time nurturing you as a chronological child. It's a job for someone else, someone into it or into us to fulfill that need now. I'm not in her head, so I don't know if it's the ABDL stuff that makes it uncomfortable for her but I would guess that's just icing on the boundary pushing cake. Adults who aren't intimate usually give more space than that most of the time.

I really get your needs. I think my general boundaries are higher than most people but I've learned it's really good to lower them in the right situation. I think your mom is telling you this isn't the right situation and I think it behooves you to respect that. The only reasonable fallback position is to discuss it with her but I think you'd need to be sensitive to the idea that her saying "yes" might well not actually mean that.

Concentrate on finding someone to play with who wants it. The difference between someone who stiffens, recoils, or otherwise puts up barrier and someone who is enthusiastic and happy play is so categorically different. You're pushing a square peg in a round hole. Find someone who makes you feel wanted.
 
Trevor said:
I'm not in her head, so I don't know if it's the ABDL stuff that makes it uncomfortable for her but I would guess that's just icing on the boundary pushing cake.

OK, I get that the cuddling thing may be pushing it. But what about the other AB stuff I've gotten used to doing around her - which is mostly just having a bottle or sippy cup? She's never complained about it or made any indication that it makes her uncomfortable, and I'd hate to have to go back to sneaking around more like I was before I came out about it.
 
KimbaWolfNagihiko said:
OK, I get that the cuddling thing may be pushing it. But what about the other AB stuff I've gotten used to doing around her - which is mostly just having a bottle or sippy cup? She's never complained about it or made any indication that it makes her uncomfortable, and I'd hate to have to go back to sneaking around more like I was before I came out about it.

If I had to say, I think it's just the personal boundary thing. It's pretty easy to get used to someone you love walking around with different accessories. The difference now is you're asking her to be involved and she felt uncomfortable. Do your own thing but don't try to drag her into it.
 
I don't think it's weird at all, you love your mom and want to keep her company nothing wrong with that , I put my head on my mom's shoulder when I sit next to her once and a while and when she does not want me to do that she will tell me don't do right now.
 
Okay, Kimba, dear. I read this when it was a blog, but, forgive my fellow Aspergerian ass for not knowing what to say? I'm afraid you're really pushing it, and let me say, I get the touch starved thing. No, seriously, like, from the inside. I have that trait, too. Could you try a weighted blanket? I'm not gonna repeat too much of what others have said. Thanks T, but, I'll add something. Friends are difficult for us Spectrumites, but, they're not optional. I understand. Who wants to talk about what we wanna talk about, when Aspie interests are so different to most people? Right? Don't forget, you have one thing people share with you, Aspie or not. Try a small convention. TeddyCon is smaller than CAPcon. Or how about a munch? I know you're Asexual, apart from your kinks. I think you'd be happier with one of us who matched you that way, and loved you, romantically,, without necessarily wanting to boink.

Outside of ABDL, what other interests do you share with people? It's okay if they're Spectrumites. Is there an Autism Self-Advocacy Network chapter near you? I know. Not driving is a pain in the ass. Could you learn, or hire someone privately?
 
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Look at things from the reverse. If your mother was invading your space and pushing her fetish, lifestyle or interests on you, would you be completely receptive? or would you feel that a personal boundary had been crossed?

I have never felt the urge to tell my family about this side of myself. That being said, do they know? I'm actually not sure. My mother discovered a stash of baby toys I kept when I was an adolescent, she responded poorly and ever since then I've kept my AB side on the down low, though I do think she may suspect that I still have these interests. Do I want her to know about this side of me now? Not really, it just seems awkward to me as this is a very personal interest, it is something I wish to explore by myself and with romantic partners. ABDL is not something that I wish to explore with or in the presence of my actual parents and I am sure that there are other AB's on the site who agree with me when I say this.

So, what I am trying to say is that, yeah, you are crossing a line. Having your parents know about this side of yourself for the sake of transparency is one thing, but acting little or doing things related to ABDL around them and invading their personal space is a whole other thing entirely. Now, as you have communicated, perhaps your mother didn't do enough in setting up boundaries when you came out to her, but you shouldn't take that as carte blanche to be little around her. We all get a little attention hungry and "touch starved" as you put it, but we resolve this in our own way and the way in which we resolve it seldom revolves around intruding upon others.

Also, your mother has already told you how she feels, so respect her personal space and tone things down a bit.

You are lucky to have an accepting and understanding parent, this is something many of us wish we had, but as Trevor has said, she did her nurturing of you when you were an actual baby, now it is time to explore this side of yourself personally or with someone else.
 
I think there might be a simple solution and that is to simply ask, before you cuddle, if it is alright if you cuddle today. If it's not okay with her, maybe it will be tomorrow. By asking today, you're not blocking off the possibility of tomorrow. Sometimes we're okay with something one day but not the next, especially if it's been a hard or exhausting day at work, etc. Asking can often be better than assuming.
 
Poofybutt said:
Look at things from the reverse. If your mother was invading your space and pushing her fetish, lifestyle or interests on you, would you be completely receptive, or would you feel that a personal boundary had been crossed?
Would she know if a line had been crossed, being autistic?
Poofybutt said:
We all get a little attention hungry and, "touch starved, as you put it,
I'm pretty sure if everyone suddenly got Sensory Integration Dysfunction, it'd be on the news.
Poofybutt said:
but we resolve this in our own way and the way in which we resolve it seldom revolves around intruding upon others.
Would she pick up on the social cue she was being intrusive, or might she miss it? Could that maybe be why she asked a question, whereas you already know the answer?
 
SpAzpieSweeTot said:
Would she know if a line had been crossed, being autistic? I'm pretty sure if everyone suddenly got Sensory Integration Dysfunction, it'd be on the news. Would she pick up on the social cue she was being intrusive, or might she miss it? Could that maybe be why she asked a question, whereas you already know the answer?

Regarding point 1, possibly... I'm not sure... wouldn't that really depend on the level of autism that the individual has and where they fall on the spectrum? I have many friends and family members who are autistic, some of them are high-functioning and while they still have some trouble with social interactions, they are still well aware of when someone is being invasive or when their behaviour may be crossing a line. Some other family members that I have who are autistic really struggle with social contact and situations, they have trouble reading between the lines and understanding whether someone is being serious or not. You are not wrong to counter my question, but surely, it depends on the individual.

Point 2, I don't recall the term Sensory Integration Dysfunction ever being used within this thread. I apologize if I wrongly conflated any terms. I wasn't trying to suggest that everyone who has ever felt "touch starved" has Sensory Integration Dysfunction, I was merely suggesting that a lot of AB's sometimes crave another persons touch and validation. Wanting to feel close to someone is a standard human desire.

Point 3, in hindsight, I did come across as a bit presumptuous, I apologize for that. Yes, I agree with you, KimbawolfNagihiko likely reached out and asked this question because maybe she did miss the social cue that her behaviour had crossed a boundary. I think it's fair to say that, yes, a line was crossed, her own mother said that her personal space was invaded, but dogboy just posted an excellent solution in having KimbawolfNagihiko ask permission before cuddling. I apologize if my perspective was harmful in any way, that wasn't what I intended. I was merely trying to work through the question that was asked from my own perspective.

I'm sorry :(
 
Poofybutt said:
Perhaps I did come across as a bit presumptuous. I apologize for that. Yes, I agree with you, KimbawolfNagihiko likely reached out and asked this question because maybe she did miss the social cue that her behaviour had crossed a boundary. I think it's fair to say that, yes, a line was crossed, her own mother said that her personal space was invaded, but dogboy just posted an excellent solution in having KimbawolfNagihiko ask permission before cuddling. I apologize if my perspective was harmful in any way, that wasn't what I intended. I was merely trying to work through the question that was asked from my own perspective. I'm sorry :(

It's a perspective, sweets. Those aren't harmful. I'm sorry, too. Don't feel bad. I've just known her longer, is all. I agree with most of what you said, actually. It's just, knowing her a bit longer, I'm pretty sure she missed this one, and when she said touch starved, my mind went directly to sensory needs, which is why I suggested a weighted blanket. It just sucks, because if sensory issues are the cause, a weighted blanket may not help, and she really does need human touch, which means I can't help her, which sucks donkey. . . Ahem. She's pretty high-functioning, (There I go, talking about her like she's not here.) but so is my Little brother, and he needs a very clear. "no," and an answer to why. Seems Kimba needs that, too. Seems to me, that's why she asked us here. Wanna know a secret? I miss quite a few social cues myself. I'm lucky I got this one.:lol: You're fine, I however, must stop imagining a certain Poofybutt in tears. Are you gonna be okay? Are we good?

Hey, Kimba, would a massage help, or make things worse? Just a thought.
 
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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
It's a perspective, sweets. Those aren't harmful. I'm sorry, too. Don't feel bad. I've just known her longer, is all. I agree with most of what you said, actually. It's just, knowing her a bit longer, I'm pretty sure she missed this one. Wanna know a secret? I miss quite a few myself. I'm lucky I got this one.:lol: You're fine, I however, must stop imagining a certain Poofybutt in tears. Are you gonna be okay? Are we good?

Yeah, of course we're good. I'm in University, I hear counter-arguments everyday.

Glad you saw some validity in my perspective, I certainly saw some in yours.

Take care :eek:
 
Poofybutt said:
Look at things from the reverse. If your mother was invading your space and pushing her fetish, lifestyle or interests on you, would you be completely receptive? or would you feel that a personal boundary had been crossed?

Well, she has a bit of an obsession with popping pimples, watches videos of such on YouTube, and used to insist on popping mine, until I finally put my foot down... Although she did let me pick her dandruff. I think the last time, she asked me to pick at it...

My parents have a history of telling stupid lies and not being serious with me, so when they really mean something, the message isn't always clear...
 
KimbaWolfNagihiko said:
Well, she has a bit of an obsession with popping pimples, watches videos of such on YouTube, and used to insist on popping mine, until I finally put my foot down... Although she did let me pick her dandruff. I think the last time, she asked me to pick at it...

My parents have a history of telling stupid lies and not being serious with me, so when they really mean something, the message isn't always clear...
I'm sorry. That sounds really confusing. Seems I wouldn't survive if I had your parents. How's your dad's passive-agressive b.s. regarding job searching going? Not to mimic his behavior or anything, because I'm not trying to be mean when I ask. Have you thought about what you may actually be good at? I ask, because, if you had a job, you could afford to go to munches and small cons, and get that connection to another human being (Version 1.0, or 2.0 is entirely up to you.) you understandably want.

It's not bad to want to bond with your parents either, so, please, don't misunderstand me. It's just, there are ways that are appropriate for babies and children to do that, and ways that are healthier for adults. I theorize that, when parents don't know their child is on the autism spectrum, they have no idea what the rules of engagement are for their child, and it causes attachment injuries. To this day, I remember my dad torturing me with the toothbrush, baking soda toothpaste, and, separately, the hairbrush. Now, he wasn't trying to hurt me. He was trying to help with my hygiene, but, if he'd known my rules of engagement, he could've done that without causing meltdowns.

Instead of pulling me from the back seat of the car to the front by my shirt, and yelling at me to shut up, and bruising my leg when I didn't, if he'd known, he'd have understood that I was trying to understand why he was mad, and calm him down, because, we know that's my job at 5 or 6! Sarcastic half-joke.

If people had known, they would've looked into why I couldn't take a joke, instead of asking me, like it's my fault. Gee, I dunno. Couldn't be I dunno you're bloomin' joking; could it?! Sarcastic half-joke.

See? Attachment injuries. Does your therapist know anything about attachment theory?
 
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