10/25/2016 was the day I started wearing full time. I wear to work and to my Mom's house and my wife's parent's houses. The only time I don't use it is when I am at work and have to move my bowels. But otherwise I am completely 24/7.
I am one of those that want to be truly incontinent. That I am tired of the battle of wanting this and feeling the guilt of doing it. I just am not playing anymore. I am done with the game and no longer really care what most people might say or think about it.
My wife was the one that told me to go ahead and go 24/7 if it was that important to me. So I did. Since then my wife has told me that she is not neutral about it and does not like the sight of seeing a diaper under my pants/shorts. Does not like the sound of the diaper tapes. Does not like the smell. I am not sure how much longer she will be with me. 3 of the five senses are against it and I don't see either of us changing our minds on this topic.
Been seeing a therapist and she asks me questions that make me think. Once she asked me what would I do if all the stores are closed and I have no diapers. I replied there are always some store open, but if I was out I would still wet and mess clothes.
I told her that I used to sit on a fence and play incontinent and play being normal, but that I never was normal. That I always had thoughts of wearing a diaper. That the longer I didn't the more intrusive the thoughts became until they become all of my thoughts and I could not think of anything else. That I made a conscience decision to jump off the fence and run as far as I can away from the fence of pretending to be normal and run till I can't run anymore. That I want to get lost in incontinence. To run and not look back, stop the guilt trip that I had always put myself through. That if I change my mind and want to regain my continence then I will have to fight for it. That in my mind I will be on the right side of the fence fighting to be "normal" as others view normal as. My therapist laughed and told me, There is no normal, everyone wants Normal, but no one is.
So here I am today. Still wearing and using a diaper 24/7. Except at work where I wet only. I am neither happy nor sad or perhaps a bit of both. I am happy that I did what I did and have no intention of looking back and wanting to go back to only occasional use. But sad too that this may cost me the wife I have of 8 years. While she knew about my diapers prior to getting married and made the suggestion of going 24/7, I can't blame her for how she feels about it. But I also can't blame myself for being me.
In my mind I am no longer playing a game of being incontinent and hope and pray nearly everyday that my dream of feeling the pee going out into the diaper without me pushing or releasing it. To feel my bowels move without me being the one that moved them. To finally achieve real incontinence. For me it consumes my thoughts and dreams. Even though I have worn so many diapers over the past year and wet and messed myself, I am still not satisfied. I want more.
This is where people that are truly incontinent warn, "Be careful for what you wish for." And where I am crossing my fingers, clicking my heels together and throwing silver dollars in the wishing well, while blowing out the birthday candles....."Please Lord, let me be free and make me incontinent."
I am one of those that want to be truly incontinent. That I am tired of the battle of wanting this and feeling the guilt of doing it. I just am not playing anymore. I am done with the game and no longer really care what most people might say or think about it.
My wife was the one that told me to go ahead and go 24/7 if it was that important to me. So I did. Since then my wife has told me that she is not neutral about it and does not like the sight of seeing a diaper under my pants/shorts. Does not like the sound of the diaper tapes. Does not like the smell. I am not sure how much longer she will be with me. 3 of the five senses are against it and I don't see either of us changing our minds on this topic.
Been seeing a therapist and she asks me questions that make me think. Once she asked me what would I do if all the stores are closed and I have no diapers. I replied there are always some store open, but if I was out I would still wet and mess clothes.
I told her that I used to sit on a fence and play incontinent and play being normal, but that I never was normal. That I always had thoughts of wearing a diaper. That the longer I didn't the more intrusive the thoughts became until they become all of my thoughts and I could not think of anything else. That I made a conscience decision to jump off the fence and run as far as I can away from the fence of pretending to be normal and run till I can't run anymore. That I want to get lost in incontinence. To run and not look back, stop the guilt trip that I had always put myself through. That if I change my mind and want to regain my continence then I will have to fight for it. That in my mind I will be on the right side of the fence fighting to be "normal" as others view normal as. My therapist laughed and told me, There is no normal, everyone wants Normal, but no one is.
So here I am today. Still wearing and using a diaper 24/7. Except at work where I wet only. I am neither happy nor sad or perhaps a bit of both. I am happy that I did what I did and have no intention of looking back and wanting to go back to only occasional use. But sad too that this may cost me the wife I have of 8 years. While she knew about my diapers prior to getting married and made the suggestion of going 24/7, I can't blame her for how she feels about it. But I also can't blame myself for being me.
In my mind I am no longer playing a game of being incontinent and hope and pray nearly everyday that my dream of feeling the pee going out into the diaper without me pushing or releasing it. To feel my bowels move without me being the one that moved them. To finally achieve real incontinence. For me it consumes my thoughts and dreams. Even though I have worn so many diapers over the past year and wet and messed myself, I am still not satisfied. I want more.
This is where people that are truly incontinent warn, "Be careful for what you wish for." And where I am crossing my fingers, clicking my heels together and throwing silver dollars in the wishing well, while blowing out the birthday candles....."Please Lord, let me be free and make me incontinent."
