How to help my ABDL partner love himself

Status
Not open for further replies.

goody2shoes

Contributor
Messages
1
Role
  1. Diaperfur
  2. Other
Hi All!

I'm new here and I joined because I'm trying to help my abdl boyfriend acept himself. I didn't know what abdl was before my boyfriend came out to me over 2 years ago and simce then I've been really intrigued! I'm so excited to play with this but he still goes through some seriois self doubt and self consciousness. I'm trying to be as supportive and encouraging as I can, sometimes I will even put on dipars to suprise him. The binge and purge cycles he goes through are kind of tough for me to handle because it means that sometimes we won't have sex for over a month. I'm as patient as I can be, but it's hard to know that he would rather read porn comics than have sex because he isn't comfortable with his own desires still. It's mainly tough because I want to paticipate and feel sexually deprived because it makes him unavailable. I'm really excited about exploring this with him and even bought myself and him a onsie, dipars, pacifiers and bottles, but he will use them once in a while but then retreat back into a purge cycle.

Does anyone have advice on how I could help him be mmore comfortable with himself or atleast not feel like he should be ashamed so we can play more often? Thanks for your help!
 
Honestly, you have gone above and beyond what you need to do. You are so supportive, and that's what makes you wonderful. At this point it is up to him to figure out what he needs in order to overcome his self-doubt. Just keep being as supportive As You Are and eventually he'll get through it.

Just trust your instincts, and keep up the good work.
 
This is a tough one! We get ABDLs here on occasion asking how to do this for themselves and it's hard to get the message across to where they can really internalize it. In this case, we don't even have the suffering person. Somehow, this needs to be addressed because as patient and intrigued as you (or anyone could be), his problems are problems for the relationship and your needs are not being met.

Do you know if he's active in any online communities for socializing or support? Would you say his struggle is relatively consistent over time or have the swings gotten better or worse? Does he have any significant ABDL friends either in the real world or online? How much have you talked with him about his problems of self-acceptance? Do you think he believes you when you say you're into this and having fun?

My advice in general (and it's just my experience, not necessarily something universal in ABDLs) is that seeing examples of other ABDLs who function happily as people is helpful. What I needed was to see that not only was it not harmful, it could be a positive in my life. When I came here years back, I accepted myself to the extent that this was a weird thing that wasn't harmful but I'd have gotten rid of it just for how much easier it would make my life. I didn't see myself wanting to share it with anyone else. After all this time here, I see it can be a good thing and although it comes with hurdles, I wouldn't trade it. It's part of what makes me essentially me and it's worth the baggage. Now I can't imagine a relationship that didn't share it in some way.

The crazy bit in all this is you're right there waiting to show him how good it could be. It's a fun, very intimate, sexy, comforting (by turns) mix and it's an expression of his particular desires. No two ABDLs seem to see this in quite the same way but I think the stretching to accommodate makes it more interesting. Have you considered couples counseling? Perhaps a neutral third party telling him this can be okay would be helpful. Also to remind him that he needs to buck up and participate in some way with you if this is going to work going forward.
 
Last edited:
I just wanted to follow Trevor and say something similar. When you feel alone with this, as many ABDLs do, it's easy to despair and feel ashamed. My personal experience was that I felt like a freak and a weak person because I could not "control" this part of who I was. I've written a different thread on this, but to echo Trevor's sentiments, perhaps a kink or ABDL aware therapist would help. But he has to take the initiative. One thing I've learned from my own experiences is that you can't make someone take care of themselves - they have to want to.

One last bit of advice to take or leave, but I've come to a point in my life where I believe people are who they are at their core, and they don't change. Learning to accept ABDL as the core part of who he is can be helpful in this regard. But for you, also remember that if someone won't give you what you need, that is a red flag. Love is about sharing these intimate parts of ourselves - you deserve to have your intimate needs met as well, never forget. I think we make our lives harder when we think that we can change people (no pun intended here) - they have to do the hard work on themselves.

You sound like a caring, good person. I wish you both the best.
 
Tabula Rasa is spot on.

I spent decades binging and purging, and still haven't quite shaken the self hatred, but having a caring loving partner who accepted this part of me made all the difference. It took a long time to feel really accepted, so I can understand why he may feel cycles of shame even with an accepting partner. Focusing on making him feel safe and accepted feels key... even though buying toys of your own feels like a clear message, when we hate ourselves it can be almost ridiculous how we can't see what's in front of our eyes.

That said... no sex for month sounds ... well, I'm a pretty randy bunny so no sex for even a week is torture! >.<;;

One thing to try if he wants to be little sometimes is simply taking charge. He's the baby, you're in charge, and he has no choice about when he gets to satisfy you, or to be babied. I mean you can't force it obviously, you'd have to agree ahead of time, but he may try it for a few weeks and find that it helps him sense acceptance and have an anchor over purge instincts?
 
Two books that you may find helpful are: "There's Still a Baby in my Bed" by Rosalie Bent, and "Adult Babies: Psychology & Practices" by Michael Bent. These help to understand what is going on in a baby's head, and offer suggestions for parenting him. As a baby myself, I found them very helpful. My wife will not read them because she would not consider such a role. I would suggest you read them together and stop to discuss the points as they show up, considering what applies and what does not. They do talk about the binge and purge and may be helpful in controlling that. You can find them on Amazon, and read the first section there.
 
goody2shoes said:
Hi All!

I'm new here and I joined because I'm trying to help my abdl boyfriend acept himself. I didn't know what abdl was before my boyfriend came out to me over 2 years ago and simce then I've been really intrigued! I'm so excited to play with this but he still goes through some seriois self doubt and self consciousness. I'm trying to be as supportive and encouraging as I can, sometimes I will even put on dipars to suprise him. The binge and purge cycles he goes through are kind of tough for me to handle because it means that sometimes we won't have sex for over a month. I'm as patient as I can be, but it's hard to know that he would rather read porn comics than have sex because he isn't comfortable with his own desires still. It's mainly tough because I want to paticipate and feel sexually deprived because it makes him unavailable. I'm really excited about exploring this with him and even bought myself and him a onsie, dipars, pacifiers and bottles, but he will use them once in a while but then retreat back into a purge cycle.

Does anyone have advice on how I could help him be mmore comfortable with himself or atleast not feel like he should be ashamed so we can play more often? Thanks for your help!

Make him wear a diaper when he doesn't want to. At least once every week. This will help lessen his purge cycle.

Conversely, when he has just worn a diaper and is wanting to wear another (or get more involved with diaper play) don't let him- for at least a day or two. Don't deny him wearing a diaper a first, but don't let him overindulge. This will help lessen his binges.

Also, you're going to need to help him realize diapers are neither immoral nor illegal. And that by denying them, he causes you both undo stress as well as strain on your relationship. You may even want to consider couples counseling. Overcoming this self loathing which is based on misconceptions is extremely difficult to overcome for us. And many here have needed all the help we could get overcoming it.
 
Right you are, Slomo. Moderation overcomes binge&purge.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top