Agreed, a very good read, confirming the person I have found in order to deal with my past issues. He didn't specialize, however he saw it as a part of me that resulted from my past and that it was a part of me and that would never change.
Before this one Therapist, I have never received acceptance for who I am as a person, both as a person with High-Functioning Autism (Aspergers) and as a AB/Little/Babyfur. My parents were disgusted and thought it was sexual driven despite my explanations to the contrary.... They are disgusted about this, but they respect my privacy enough for me to perform it in only two rooms in the house (granted of course that they aren't nosy enough to look at my purchase history - which they are -_-). As a person with High-Functioning Autism (Aspergers) I have been on the receiving end of discrimination and related attacks on my rights as a citizen of the United States.
My schooling was based on survival of the fittest and as such I had to adapt by moving away from my childhood, before I was ready, in order to develop my mind and mannerisms faster than expected for a person of my age. I did this to latch onto the teachers so that they would be my protectors as I knew that I wasn't strong enough, however I miscalculated how valuable the teachers were. As such, I took the brunt of the dark side of school and of the grey area in special education; all the while being medicated for my condition and punished harshly whenever I made the slightest mistake by the administration of every school I went through.
Although I did not notice it, my little side was fighting back by taking control of me at times most inopportune. I took advantage of a lot of people and plotted while as a little to steal the items that would restore myself back to the way I was before. I knew that if I was still going to be bullied, I needed to reintegrate my other self back into myself as one mind. However, I figured out that they were polar opposites of each other and the pieces of my mind didn't fit together. So my other-self was still stealing items in the most opportunistic and low profile ways to avoid detection. I became a well-versed liar to fool my parents at least when I was trying to hide the items that I had in my room... I locked up as much as I could from my secret life that was forbidden. Over time my other-self grew a consciousness, however still acted on impulses. By late high school I was found out and about to be publicly humiliated by my special-ed teacher. I was blackmailed by my parents and the teacher to pay her back for all that I stole...
After that year I was forced by my parents to purge for two years that which I held most dear for a stable sanity; or at least a buffer against further corruption. I became depressed and I nearly ended my life at the end of sophomore year in college. After visiting with my current therapist and joining this circle, I felt like I had been awoken from a horrible nightmare, I felt accepted by so many people because either they were so themselves or my therapist saw it as a part of me. I began focusing on healing and to that end I have restarted my little space that was on life-support. Despite this restart, I felt something wrong in that it didn't give me as much fulfillment as I had left it. That was primarily because I had no free reign of the house and all my experiences were forced to be contained in either my bedroom, dorm room or the bathrooms in both locations. I also had to pay a debt of two years of experiences to my little self in order to get back to full strength. I could wear incognito, but that would still be somewhat noticeable by my ever so vigilant parental overlords. I have been improving the quality of the experience in order to regain some of what was lost when I lost a house to play in and was forced to live (as a little) in two rooms instead of many. I long for an experience that trumps high school, but am too scared to come out and plus my adult responsibilities make it nearly impossible to go to conventions. Until my submissive, yet resistant relationship with my parents ends I will not be able to enjoy the same degree of freedom and fulfillment that my original little space provided. I will require until that ends, a stable therapist and a lot of hard work both as an adult and as a little in order to keep myself from destabilizing and degenerating into a depressive episode. I am willing to use all necessary force and all resources and sacrifice everything to that end in order to keep me stable. Will it be enough? I pray and hope it will be for my sake as I cannot afford to be depressed at this juncture of my life. I also hope that I can be successful in life as success is key to my happiness.
