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Thread: Struggling with internal conflict

  1. #1

    Default Struggling with internal conflict

    So it's been about a month since I last posted here, since then I got rid of my diapers and then regretted it later. That was the second time this year I did that and I've only worn 3 times this year. My issue is when I'm done wearing one I feel really shameful and anxious (tmi I rarely go number 2 in my diaper but I messed the other day and had a panic attack while showering off) which contradicts why I use them in the first place. I can't even get off while wearing them because of how it makes me feel after, which is weird because it's only a sexual thing now when I don't have any, when I do, it's just for enjoyment. I'm really torn between longing to wear diapers and act little and wishing that I just didn't have these desires and it's got me really messed up. Can anyone share experiences and advice to help me get over this?

  2. #2

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    I can't really say what made me realize that this was all okay for me. I spent a lot of time thinking I was alone in this desire and even when I learned there were others, they seemed too disconnected from reality for it help. Rather than make me feel like I wasn't alone, I was more worried that being a loud and proud guy in a diaper on TV would be the ultimate result of this desire.

    I lied to myself a lot that I'd stop and I could be just like everyone else. I lied to my mother the two times (at fairly widely spaced intervals) that this was aberrant behavior and something I had already stopped. After the second confrontation, I decided to stop but only because my family couldn't deal and I couldn't explain. I realized that it wasn't going to go away but acting on it was harmful at that time. I avoided anything but fantasies for a couple years after that and I was okay. When I got out on my own, I was ready to proceed and I knew it wasn't anything awful. I still would have stopped if I could but I had accepted it was probably always going to be a part of me.

    When I observed that the community had changed enough for me to engage, I did. I do think it changed but I had as well. I was ready to deal socially with other ABDLs and over time that taught me that not only was this an urge that I couldn't shake, it could be something positive. I made good friends, traveled, and had experiences I never would have had but for my weird desire for diapers.

    Like I said at the start, I don't know what made this click for me that it was weird but okay. From what you have posted, it seems like you're not there yet. Until you accept that this is part of you and it's an okay part, I think you'll have trouble determining what you even really want out of it. I don't know how to do it but you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror after you've done weird diaper stuff and enjoyed it and be able to own it without guilt. We invest this with so much more negative power than it's due. Learn to enjoy it.

  3. #3

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    i have been struggling, i really like diapers, but something i feel shame of myself, and i don't know what to think, when i see other people i feel bad, and one time i really try to not think about diapers, i really like it, but i was very focused in don't think about it, and try to convince myself to hate it, but in the end i can't resist. then i have a period of time telling myself, whats the problem, isn't rally bad, and i have a nice time, but now i have something similar, i feel that i love/ hate diapers i feel good and i feel shame.

    maybe it's because the people who we talk, finding another people have similar issues or, their experiences can make other ABDL people empathize, i don't know, the problem as i see is with the comparison about others

  4. #4

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    i struggled with internal conflict the worse when I was in my 30's. Then, over time, life just fits around it. There are only so many hours in a day and you need to be productive in this society to survive, so if everything else in your life is going well, this will find a way to fit into it as well. Things will never be perfect. You will find a way to fit everything into it's proper place. I could tell you to forget the guilt because, in this case it is such a misspent emotion. But I think everyone needs to go through this part to get to the other side of it. But also, you may be at a crossroads where you can actually give it up. and if you think that is possible than you should try to do it. Time will tell if you can or cannot live without them.

  5. #5

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    For most men, feeling shame after sexual release is pretty common even after 'normal' sex if any bad behavior was involved (such as saying "I love you I love you" just to get laid, or using force). Prior to orgasm, satisfying sexual desire becomes the most important thing in the world. After orgasm the fanatasy simply collapses and you come face to face with reality again. And the reality is you are instinctively a social creature which means you have a moral code similar to the rest of society. Society, in general, sees our behavior as disgusting and unacceptable, and a part of you understands and even agrees with that. This is all normal. Put it all together and it is perfectly understandable why you have deep feelings of shame.

    Feelings of guilt come up because you believe you 'should' be able to control these desires. Of course you can control your consious behavior but the best, well supported, scientific theories I've found indicate that we have no control over what things cause sexual arousal in us. You don't choose to become heterosexual, homosexual, or diaper sexual. Mother nature made that choice for you when you were very young and, like it or not, her choice is permanently branded in your brain. Thanks a lot mom!

    I didn't just want some cop-out theory to give me an excuse not to work towards a 'cure'. For me, understanding the science behind these desires helped me find a level of self acceptance for having them. The question is should I or should I not act out my desires? Society says no! But then, most people in society have no problem acting out their desires because their desires are considered 'normal'. Seems a little hypocritical, don't you think?

    I think Trevor summed up the bottom line pretty well and is worth repeating:


    I don't know how to do it but you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror after you've done weird diaper stuff and enjoyed it and be able to own it without guilt.

  6. #6

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    thanks to everyone for your advice and experience, i wasn't too clear on the whole sexual aspect in my last post, what i mean is that when i do this, it's not really sexual for me but when it's someone else, it either can be or not. I just meant that i can't get off at all, to anything while in them without that feeling.
    As Archtopk mentioned, i may have already passed that crossroads once. when i was 19 i gave it up for 3.5 years, however the fantasy never really died, and now i feel as though im just on a path to wholly accepting what i now know i can probably never change about myself. I dont know what happened but i couldn't get the urge out of my head and even had dreams about it so eventually i gave in.
    And as Trevor was quoted, i agree and it's just a matter of how to do it. I don't think i'm quite where i want to be with accepting it and honestly idk what i even get out of it, but it's just something i can't figure out at this point in my life and i know it seems like everyone says this now but my anxiety and depression make my internal struggles even more difficult.
    Again, i really appreciate everyone's input, thanks

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by FallenWolf View Post
    thanks to everyone for your advice and experience, i wasn't too clear on the whole sexual aspect in my last post, what i mean is that when i do this, it's not really sexual for me but when it's someone else, it either can be or not. I just meant that i can't get off at all, to anything while in them without that feeling.
    As Archtopk mentioned, i may have already passed that crossroads once. when i was 19 i gave it up for 3.5 years, however the fantasy never really died, and now i feel as though im just on a path to wholly accepting what i now know i can probably never change about myself. I dont know what happened but i couldn't get the urge out of my head and even had dreams about it so eventually i gave in.
    And as Trevor was quoted, i agree and it's just a matter of how to do it. I don't think i'm quite where i want to be with accepting it and honestly idk what i even get out of it, but it's just something i can't figure out at this point in my life and i know it seems like everyone says this now but my anxiety and depression make my internal struggles even more difficult.
    Again, i really appreciate everyone's input, thanks
    Not to be completely mysterious about this, I can say that for me it started with working it out rationally that there wasn't anything wrong with it. That didn't lead me to believe that there was anything right with it and I still would have stopped if I could but the reason for stopping would have been one of convenience (not having to hide things, wider dating pool, etc.) rather than stopping because I thought it was bad. From there, it was a matter of learning that there were ways I could embrace this that were positive. A lot of that was making friends with others in the community but I think the tone of my solo time also improved over time. I don't feel guilt for the weird stuff I do on my own or consensually with others. It's just a good, weird time.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trevor View Post
    Not to be completely mysterious about this, I can say that for me it started with working it out rationally that there wasn't anything wrong with it. That didn't lead me to believe that there was anything right with it and I still would have stopped if I could but the reason for stopping would have been one of convenience (not having to hide things, wider dating pool, etc.) rather than stopping because I thought it was bad. From there, it was a matter of learning that there were ways I could embrace this that were positive. A lot of that was making friends with others in the community but I think the tone of my solo time also improved over time. I don't feel guilt for the weird stuff I do on my own or consensually with others. It's just a good, weird time.
    i know that there's nothing wrong with it but sometimes it makes me feel like im messed up in the head for actually enjoying it. i agree in the stopping out of convenience , because when i gave it up i was having girls over almost every day and night and having to explain my girly side and the diaper thing at once if caught would've destroyed me as i always buy the cutest ones i can, its one thing to explain plain white but ones with pink and hearts and butterfly prints is a no go. Also it just felt better to be seen and think of myself as a dominant masculine badass than a little boy who still pees his pants, you know what i mean? it was an uncomfortable feeling at the time. now i feel like i can get more into it because im becoming more open with my little side and having the two blend together a bit and hopefully it can just be what it is without me feeling bad about it.

  9. #9

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    For me, the feelings resurfaced in me when I was starting to have continence problems. I had to jump into 24/7 and while I have a medical reason do wear, it can still be tough. I do love them mostly, but there are times when it can get to me.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by FallenWolf View Post
    i know that there's nothing wrong with it but sometimes it makes me feel like im messed up in the head for actually enjoying it. i agree in the stopping out of convenience , because when i gave it up i was having girls over almost every day and night and having to explain my girly side and the diaper thing at once if caught would've destroyed me as i always buy the cutest ones i can, its one thing to explain plain white but ones with pink and hearts and butterfly prints is a no go. Also it just felt better to be seen and think of myself as a dominant masculine badass than a little boy who still pees his pants, you know what i mean? it was an uncomfortable feeling at the time. now i feel like i can get more into it because im becoming more open with my little side and having the two blend together a bit and hopefully it can just be what it is without me feeling bad about it.
    It sounds like you're making progress. When you really get that you can be both the masculine badass and the guy who pees his pants like a little boy when it suits you you'll be further along. There's nothing wrong with these contradictions; I'd say being open to them can make us better and more interesting people.

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