I Dunno Who I Am...

Hi everyone; you may recognize me from a while back; I've come and gone a couple times or so due to a vicious binge/purge cycle that I've struggled with for years; please don't take it personally if I've met you half a dozen times and still have no clue who you are; my social media identity gets purged right along with the rest of the baby stuff, and consequently a good portion of the memories, which subsequently get buried over by months of "adulting" before my mind starts regressing again, and I find myself seeking out others of my own kind once again lol. Life sucks. XD Kinda learning to laugh at it though. So, to answer the question of who I am....I honestly dunno if I can answer that question; I feel like I'm being yanked into two different worlds and I dunno if I belong in either one.

I'm fairly antisocial; have trouble making friends. I smoke cigarettes and drink occasionally; habits which I've been meaning to stop for a long time now, but have utterly failed with every attempt. Been kinda depressed lately....mom's dying, dad's been gone for months on a hunting trip, sister's going nuts again. Oh, had to shoot my cat too; that sucked. Grandma and Grandpa died this year too, months apart from each other. Walked out on the funeral down in the Lower 48. Whole trip spiraled into madness in the end; the nature of which I don't really want to talk about yet, if ever again. I'm over it.

Sooo...what brings me here this time around? I'm hoping to "feed the right wolf" so to speak by immersing myself into the AB lifestyle as much as I can in an attempt to truly and fully accept this part of myself and the fact that I'm probably never really going to be a grown up, and that maybe that's not such a bad thing. If I'm really honest with myself, I've never felt more "inner peace" than when I'm in "baby mode" or whatever it's called. I had a crappy childhood, a crappy adolescence, and, so far, a fairly crappy young-adult life; considering all that's happened, all that I've done and been through, it starts to make more sense as to why these feelings in me that I've repressed since infancy are starting to become more prevalent....bursting my brain, it feels like sometimes. In any case...being around others who may be able to understand helps me feel like I'm not quite so alone; makes the world a little smaller....no pun intended, haha.

Aside from wanting to turn myself into a toddler, I also have a multitude of more adult interests. I'm a huge bookworm; I particularly love the leatherbound classic novels; I've been collecting them for a year or so. I have a lot of books; on everything from military strategy and improvised munitions, to witchcraft and quantum mechanics; I've always been keenly interested in the paranormal and supernatural; I've even had a couple experiences with some of those things that go bump in the night; I blame my mom for my sensitivity in those areas. Why? Because she claims the blame. XD We're both a little "fey" as she calls it, which I guess is just kind of a gay word for "psychic" lmao. XD "intuition", "hunches"; all the same thing really. I'm also somewhat of a writer, (as if you couldn't tell XD), and kinda have a thing with numbers; hard to explain without writing a paper on it lol. I think it might be kinda like an OCD thing though; somethin' just ain't right with my head lol. XD And thanks to my father, I was also imparted with an interest in all things survivalism and doomsday prepping, especially escape and evasion; Houdini being a major inspiration. XD Bit of a history buff too......yep; I could go on and on about my interests in everything from video games to television series, but it would just take too long lol. XD

And I suppose what I'd really like to get out of this, this umpteenth time around (probably not quite that many; not even sure if that's a real number haha), is companionship/support. Maybe make some friends if I can (never was really good at it; kinda socially awkward; get told by people that I'm annoying a lot. =/ Guess I can be kinda high energy sometimes; been known to bounce off the walls haha. And....I know it may not be customary, but maybe keep my heart open and an eye out for love too. Not just a hook-up or a date, but an actual bond with someone. ....Preferably asexual, lol.


Soooo.....I guess....I'm done now?

Johnnykins,

I also went through a pretty long period of binge/purging my way along. Only recently (like the past year or so) have I found what seems to work: I only indulge occasionally and on my days off work. That way, you always have a faint urge for it playing out at the back of your mind but you keep it fed enough not to be bothersome. Your bound to get sick of anything if you do too much of it...

Hi and welcome back. It sounds like you've had a very difficult childhood, given that your mom is now dying and your dad has been gone for two months? Shouldn't he be home with her? My wife has been in the hospital for the past week and a half, and I've been with her all day and half the night for all those days.

I've had some strong paranormal experiences and I love ghost stories. I'm reading one now, and I've written and published a novel about a haunted town.

I hope you'll be able to stick around this time. I learned to embrace my little side a number of years ago, and it makes me happier.

@BlueSky: Haha; sorry; I changed my username because last night when I signed up I had been away for over twenty-four hours; almost going up on two days. I kept trying to pick a username, but it was saying everything I picked was already taken or unavailable lol, so I picked "Johnnykins" because I thought it sounded cute, but it just didn't look write to me all typed out; too long and awkward looking. This new username's a little better, but I still couldn't find much available without incorporating some word play/intentional mis-spellings lol. At least this one is a lot closer to what I originally wanted, "Baby Johnny" (only I don't think spaces are allowed, and "BabyJohnny" was already taken; figured as much; one of the curse's of having a ridiculously common first name lol. This one kinda looks cute too; looks like it might as well have been written in crayon by a toddler lol.

Thanks for the advise in regards to the binge/purge cycles. I'm still kinda conflicted; having to keep this part of myself "fed" is bothersome in and of itself; hate having to be two different people, especially when the two lives intersect/interfere with each other. :wallbash:

Anyhoo...thanks for the warm welcome!

@dogboy: Thanks; good to be back. Yep, I've been through hell and back; in some cases almost literally haha; I used to be a firefighter. XD Go tortured in an abusive boarding school between the ages of twelve and fifteen, and from Kindergarten all the way through 6th grade I was bullied fairly consistently; for some reason I seemed to attract them like some people seem to attract mosquitoes lol, (if you live in Alaska or any other mosquito invested area, you know what I'm talking about. XD) Got expelled in 7th Grade; kinda just snapped
under the surmounting pressure, and, well....yeahhhh, that was the end of public schooling for me! XD 'Nuff said.

And yep; I think dad should be here for mom...but then another part of me understands why he needs to be hunting. He's a world-renown Big-Game Hunting Guide former-military-bad-ass; tough legend to live up to; he thinks I'm a pussy lol, I know this because he straight up says it to my face lol, cracks me up. XD (I think just about everybody is a pussy standing next to him XD.) Way too-high of standards. But I've come to recognize it as a double edged sword. I don't know much about him; he doesn't talk a lot....but he's the most dependable guy I know; if shit hits the fan, there's nobody's side I'd rather be at than his. He wouldn't be on the Hunt right now if he weren't being paid thousands and thousands of dollars for it; people fly in from all over the planet just to hunt with him lol; mostly just rich people and celebrity's; dad thinks most of them are pussies too but occasionally he'll tell my family stories of some of his clients that he felt were more remarkable, mostly in regards to character strengths; like this one guy in a wheel chair; the dude had himself flown out into the middle of the Alaskan wilderness to hunt a grizzly bear, and he was the most stubborn bastard you ever met; absolutely refused to let anyone help him; even shot the extremely high-power rifle from his wheel chair against dad's suggestion to let someone help him lol; he still made the shot. Dad often recalls him as the toughest man he's ever met; I think he might've been former military as well.

And coolness! Glad to hear you've had some paranormal experiences of your own as well; I've had a grand total of three major ones throughout my life. The first one was when I was a little kid; one of the next door neighbors kids' and I were playing in his room with the house too ourselves; his mom just ran into town real quick to run errands. Chris had always told me that the trailer house they lived in was haunted, but I never really took it seriously, that was until that one day he and I were playing in his room. His bedroom door suddenly slammed shut with a loud bang, scaring the crap out of us both. Reflexively, we both jumped up and ran to the door, trying to get it open, but something kept jerking it closed on the other side. I was confused and yelled, "Stop it Courtney! It isn't funny!" (Courtney was Chris's sister; a real bitch too lol; this was just like her.) We finally got the door open all of a sudden; whoever (or whatever) had been jerking it closed just suddenly stopped, and the door flew open unexpectedly as we were yanking on it, causing us to tumble over each other; within a second I had leaped into the hallway to confront Courtney, but she had disappeared down the hall into her bedroom; her bedroom door was closed though. I remember thinking that was kinda weird; I didn't hear a door slam so she must have very quickly and very quietly ran down the hall and closed herself in her bedroom. I leaped down the hall, not bothering to take the time for steps (I did a lot of jumping back in those days lol), and burst in through her bedroom door with a big grin of triumph on my face.....but it was empty. I quickly ran to the other end of the house to check the living room and kitchen. Empty. Every room in that house was empty, and all the doors leading outside had been locked from the inside; a safety precaution of Chris's mom's. ....What the hell?! Chris just said "I told you Johnny! This place is haunted!" .......I'm still not really sure if I believe that, but to this day I still can't fully explain what happened. Something was definitely yanking that door close on us though, trying to trap us in the bedroom.

The second experience is more of an ongoing experience; it first started when I was a little kid. I always just called it "the man in black"; an entity of some kind that appears to be constructed purely out of shadow and wearing a trenchcoat and a wide-brim hat of some kind but not really a cowboy hat. Blacker than the blackest black you've ever seen, clear as day. Scared the crap out of my on numerous occasions as a little kid. Sometimes I'll have nightmares about it. The daytime sightings have been a lot less frequent; the last time was a couple years ago when I turned the television off and saw the "man in black" standing right behind me in the reflection of the TV, causing me to freeze in my tracks. One of the chief symptoms I've noticed that accompany these experiences is a sense of petrifying fear. I saw him standing just behind the sofa I was sitting in, towering over me like a giant solid black mass. I didn't want to turn around; scared to death of turning around to look at it face to face, but this time I did; I decided then and there that it was time to face my fear and confront it; I even got a little mad as I stood up and simultaneously whipped around to look at it, but it was gone; vanished into thin air. Scares the crap out of me. Mom said that as a baby I was terrified of the shadows; any shadows on the wall freaked me out, and we used to have our house lit by candle light because we didn't have any electricity; grew up in a pioneering lifestyle of sorts haha, highly self sufficient/off-the-grid, so naturally, there were shadows all over the place all the time, but particularly at night when the camp was lit via candles and lanterns, the flickering flames causing the shadows to dance.

The third experience was a couple years ago or so; I was driving by an old friend's house on the fourwheeler and saw Grandma Wanda sanding on the front lawn. She was actually my friend's grandma, but everyone in town called he Grandma Wanda haha. I thought it was kinda weird that she'd just be standing out in the middle of the lawn the way she was, her back to the gravel road I was rocketing down, just staring intently at her house, she turned her head briefly to look at me; he eyes looked....weird; like a mixture between sad and confused; she kinda looked like she might've just lost a love one herself. I didn't think much of it at the time; just raised my hand at her from the handle bars of the fourwheeler; "waving hello" to her as I gave her a little head bob/nod and continued along my merry way. Later that day after I'd got home, I told mom that it was cool seeing Grandma Wanda again; it had been too long, (I had only recently returned home from being locked up at "boarding school" for over three years, and thus still had some adjusting to do; a lot had changed in this little one horse town.) Mom paused from what she was doing in the kitchen...."John," she said gravely, "Grandma Wanda is dead; she died a couple years ago..."

At first, I didn't believe her. I mean, I KNOW what I saw; that lady was Grandma Wanda in the flesh! In an attempt to prove mom wrong, I went back to the house to talk to Grandma Wanda, but I couldn't find her there anywhere....couldn't find anyone, or anything in fact. The place was abandoned and rotting into the earth; I hadn't noticed it before from the road going sixty miles an hour, but upon closer inspection it became obvious nobody had been here in years; no vehicles, tracks, or footprints. Come to think of it, I never saw a vehicle when I saw Grandma Wanda either; and she would have had to have had one; she's too old to be getting around without any help; she definitely did walk all the way out here. I eventually accepted the fact that she was really gone, but I still couldn't shake the fact that I SAW her, clear as day. Upon complaining to my mother about it, she recollected to me a couple experiences that she had with ghosts when she was a little girl, and that she'd often see her grand-daddy, and he would look just as real to her as anyone else. No shimmering, no misty, wavy lights or anything like that. I still have some trouble wrapping my head around it......now I'm wondering who else in my life have I interacted with who also just happened to be dead? Lol, it's like Odd Thomas; I could be dating a girl for weeks and have no idea that she's actually dead until much later lol. XD Or The Sixth Sense with Bruce Willis; "I see dead people! They're everywhere!" XD

Thanks again for the warm welcomes.

Thanks; I posted another reply after dogboys comment, but it doesn't seem to be visible; it was kinda long too. In short, my dad can't be here right now because he's a world-renown Big-Game hunting guide; rich people from all over the planet pay thousands and thousands of dollars just to hunt with my dad for a couple months or so. We really need the money though because we're beyond poor; plus dad gets a good portion of meat from his hunts that'll help us survive through the winter. He should be coming home soon though; any day now.

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Oh, and in the post I wrote before that isn't viewable right now, I explained the reasoning behind changing my username lol; I originally wanted to go with "Baby Johnny" but that was unavailable; it was early morning and I was tired so I finally decided on "Johnnykins" only because it was the only one I could find at the time that was available, but it just didn't look right typed out; glad there's an option to change it haha. This one's closer to the original and kinda looks like it might as well be written in purple crayon. =P XD