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Thread: For those who have an accepting spouse who wasn't so accepting at first.

  1. #41

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    Quote Originally Posted by extremecomfy View Post
    Why do women always try to get custody.
    Answering "why do women usually end up getting custody": That almost always comes down to "case law" in your state. Some states just give custody to the mother by default. How often they will make exceptions (and just how extreme things have to get for them to make such an exception) varies quite a bit. There are some states where you almost have to be in prison or rehab to not get custody if you're the mother. Some states put a fair amount of weight into the preference of the child, others do not. In "swing states" it can easily come down to the judge hearing the case. It's really a mixed bag, but is usually fairly consistent within each state because of the cases that have been appealed to the state level where majority opinions start to get entrenched.

    As for "why do they try"... I'm a guy with no kids for the record, but it's been my observation that divorce always brings out the worst in actions AND opinions. I've seen more than my fair share of women get custody and then mooch off the child support. Watched fathers frustrated that gift never make it to the child, money never makes it to the child, MANY people getting birthday and christmas and other cards with any money in them having been taken before they were handed to them. (that one is the #1 complaint I recall) "Whenever I got a card from my dad, the envelope had always been torn open, and mom always had a fresh bottle of Jack on the counter." (that's a quote from two different people I know) So I just naturally have a higher suspicion in those cases from all the abuse I've seen. Why so much with women? Probably because they tend to get the kids more often. I'd expect I would have seen just as much from the husbands if they had the kids just as often, so it's not sexist, it's just opportunist. I've also seen several kids get treated as pawns, where the one basically spends their time trying to brainwash the kid into thinking the other parent is a terrible person when they're not. Again hearing these recounts not from the other ex, but from the kids. Hint to divorcees looking to try this: it doesn't work, your kids will see right through it and come to resent you for it down the road.

  2. #42

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    My fiance knows who she's marrying, and knows what I want. She hasn't garaunteed she can always live with it but has agreed to work with me on it. I went looking for the right person. That would accept me as I am and see my flaws, my wierd behaviors, and all of the things she may not like and then choose to love me.

    Marraige isn't a jail but it isn't something I intend to leave. I will say until death do us part and mean it. Why? Because of things like children and family and friends. It's not fair for them if we can't work it out.

    What I'm getting at is: She is a hell of a lot more important than diapers are.

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  3. #43

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    Quote Originally Posted by bambinod View Post
    Answering "why do women usually end up getting custody": That almost always comes down to "case law" in your state. Some states just give custody to the mother by default. How often they will make exceptions (and just how extreme things have to get for them to make such an exception) varies quite a bit. There are some states where you almost have to be in prison or rehab to not get custody if you're the mother. Some states put a fair amount of weight into the preference of the child, others do not. In "swing states" it can easily come down to the judge hearing the case. It's really a mixed bag, but is usually fairly consistent within each state because of the cases that have been appealed to the state level where majority opinions start to get entrenched.

    As for "why do they try"... I'm a guy with no kids for the record, but it's been my observation that divorce always brings out the worst in actions AND opinions. I've seen more than my fair share of women get custody and then mooch off the child support. Watched fathers frustrated that gift never make it to the child, money never makes it to the child, MANY people getting birthday and christmas and other cards with any money in them having been taken before they were handed to them. (that one is the #1 complaint I recall) "Whenever I got a card from my dad, the envelope had always been torn open, and mom always had a fresh bottle of Jack on the counter." (that's a quote from two different people I know) So I just naturally have a higher suspicion in those cases from all the abuse I've seen. Why so much with women? Probably because they tend to get the kids more often. I'd expect I would have seen just as much from the husbands if they had the kids just as often, so it's not sexist, it's just opportunist. I've also seen several kids get treated as pawns, where the one basically spends their time trying to brainwash the kid into thinking the other parent is a terrible person when they're not. Again hearing these recounts not from the other ex, but from the kids. Hint to divorcees looking to try this: it doesn't work, your kids will see right through it and come to resent you for it down the road.
    Unfortunately men abuse non-related children at a much higher rate than women. But most will love and protect their own kids. Its not a rule but it is an epidemic. "Mom's boyfriends" do most of the child abuse. I'm a lawyer by the way but I did not do family law. Hated it. I fully understand case law and precedents. Law reviews etc... Bottom line 82% of the time kids are better off with dad. We need to make better laws.

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  4. #44

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    Quote Originally Posted by extremecomfy View Post
    Bottom line 82% of the time kids are better off with dad. We need to make better laws.
    That's an interesting statistic to know. Here (Iowa) we're a pretty big "mothers' custody" state. So it's more like "95% of primary custody defaults to mom". You usually have to build a pretty compelling case if you're a dad and want primary. Here I don't think it's so much a problem of existing bad laws, but more of the lack of spelled-out-equality in the law that leaves it up to the judge and the "state tradition of choice" among the judges.

  5. #45

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    Quote Originally Posted by bambinod View Post
    That's an interesting statistic to know. Here (Iowa) we're a pretty big "mothers' custody" state. So it's more like "95% of primary custody defaults to mom". You usually have to build a pretty compelling case if you're a dad and want primary. Here I don't think it's so much a problem of existing bad laws, but more of the lack of spelled-out-equality in the law that leaves it up to the judge and the "state tradition of choice" among the judges.
    Mothers are vital for young children. At age 10 dad is super important. Plus women bring strange men around their kids. Why aren't fathers' rights attorneys arguing using child abuse stats?! My mom got full custody and my sister got sexually abused by our step brother. I got beat up for refusing to acquiesce to his sex demands. Meantime my dad was fighting for custody and his reports of us being abused were not believed. Fathers are VERY IMPORTANT PROTECTION.

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  6. #46

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    I think everybody is different. For my wife and I, it was a slow eventual journey ... two decades since elements of it were first broached... that was honestly very traumatic. I wish it'd been faster, but then again I don't know if that would really have been cleaner and less painful or just spiral out of control.

    We now live with regular Mommy / Baby Boy play in our lives, and while Mommy doesn't want anything to do with dirty diapers, I do end up wearing them about half the nights in a week. <///<



    Quote Originally Posted by PaddedInPuyallup View Post
    I wish it was that easy. Honestly, ify wife left me because of my diapers, I wouldn't really be sad over her leaving as much as I would her taking my kids from me. That would kill me. I don't want to chance that.
    This I think is the most troubling thing about your situation honestly.

    If your relationship with your wife is not the center, and your commitment to each other is not strong, and you are not able to sacrifice and give of yourself for the other, then it's gonna be very hard no matter the time window. However if you work from a place of good faith and honesty and accommodation (like yes I'd love to be changed *out* of a wet diaper, but I can understand why that's a bridge too far for her), then communication ... and going gently, can have surprising results!

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