Relationship advice as a DL!

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Might be out of left field...but it kind of sounds like you need to respect her boundaries a bit more. Maybe she would wake you up for sex if you weren't wearing a diaper.

If I were in your situation I would try coming to some kind of understanding that it's ok for you to wear a diaper, as long as you don't want sex at the same time. And if you want sex, you need to take off the diaper, get clean, and act like a conventional cis gendered male.

I may have totally misunderstood the situation...but if you can have a girlfriend who will let you wear diapers, who wears diapers herself, and the main compromise is diapers and sex don't mix, that sounds like a heck of a lot more than most of us DLs can expect from a SI.
 
After a volatile couple of months, I brought the relationship to an end last week. Whilst moving her stuff out, there was a mutual moment of raw emotion and we cried in each others arms. For the first time I could see genuine empathy and sadness from her, she was genuinely remorseful for the things she had said and done (it's a lot more complicated than just diaps). Over the course of the following days, we both admitted to one another all of the negative behaviours we had displayed towards one another, and despite high conflict during this time, we finally reached a point whereby we'd draw a line in the sand and let the past go.

My partner has now begun seeking treatment for possible BPD since she certainly meets the criteria, and other experiences of living with BPD sufferers online practically mirror my experience. If she's unwell, I want to help her regardless, but we plan to get back together and make a fresh start, with clearer boundaries and expectations on both sides. I'm certainly not a perfect guy and I'm more than capable of being a bad person too, so we both have things to work on.

Eriksrud said:
Might be out of left field...but it kind of sounds like you need to respect her boundaries a bit more. Maybe she would wake you up for sex if you weren't wearing a diaper.

If I were in your situation I would try coming to some kind of understanding that it's ok for you to wear a diaper, as long as you don't want sex at the same time. And if you want sex, you need to take off the diaper, get clean, and act like a conventional cis gendered male.

I may have totally misunderstood the situation...but if you can have a girlfriend who will let you wear diapers, who wears diapers herself, and the main compromise is diapers and sex don't mix, that sounds like a heck of a lot more than most of us DLs can expect from a SI.

That isn't the case at all. It wasn't the boundaries, it was the continually changing expectations, the manipulation, the control, the abusive comments, inconsistency. Emotional instability basically, and sex / diaps was the biggest area of conflict.
 
Wow! I am very impressed at your nature handling of the situation and you both accept your part of the responsibility, take required actions and leave some hope with clear conditions. Well done!


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BPD. I hate it. It's in essence an inability to regulate emotions so the highly intense flip-flopping on topics is part of the deal. I hope both of you find the help and peace you require. It's a rough road to follow.
 
I'm sorry your relationship had to end. It seemed to me like you were getting good advice, so I didn't chime in before. It seems to me like whatever was going on, it wasn't working for either of you, so I think failing some kind of radical intervention, it made sense to end it. That's not an easy decision. I hope you'll both find a better situation going forward.
 
Right, she visited the doctor today and after a clear explanation of the situation, she was told that she's in an abusive relationship! The doctor refused to refer her or issue any antidepressant prescription, instead advising she gets away from me. My 'partner' came back to the house in tears and explained what she'd been told, and expressed a will to get CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) regardless, and has no intention of following this doctors advice. She also suggested we get some couples counselling, which certainly can't hurt us. I plan to also return to CBT since there's probably more I can work on improving in myself.

I find it deeply troubling that regardless of this relationship, the doctor dismissed the BPD symptoms as 'a response to the relationship'.

Trevor said:
I'm sorry your relationship had to end. It seemed to me like you were getting good advice, so I didn't chime in before. It seems to me like whatever was going on, it wasn't working for either of you, so I think failing some kind of radical intervention, it made sense to end it. That's not an easy decision. I hope you'll both find a better situation going forward.

Not sure if you missed the part where I said we plan to make a fresh start :smile:
 
I wonder what she told the doctor to have him come up with that conclusion? I think she may need to see someone else. In my own experience getting help with my serious depression, I have had to try to find the right doctor who I could trust and have a good rapport with. Getting help is not a bad idea but keep in mind that finding the right doctor is key here as well.

Out of this current stretch of getting help, my first doctor was great but she didn't have the specific skill set to deal with my particular history and problems. The second one I couldn't connect with--likely seeing the Christian Counseling certificate was a big turn off for me considering how many people who were supposed to be good Christians have harmed me in the past. It's not that I cannot handle a therapist who's a Christian, but I do want someone who has more secular and scientific credentials. My current therapist is great and I do have a good amount of trust with this guy. I've been seeing him for awhile and even if we just talk about nothing in particular, it has been helpful.

So what I'm saying here again is to make sure you have someone you can trust to talk to and is not a quack.

Speaking frankly though, this situation does not sound very positive and considering you want to restart it, you should be careful. If good therapy can help get you guys on track that that is a good thing but you must also be prepared if things just fall back into old patterns. It does neither of you two any good if this relationship is only going to make you miserable.
 
I suffer from BPD, and from reading up on it before I was actually diagnosed, I found that therapists are usually leery of diagnosing it. When I brought up my concerns about this possibly fitting me, my therapist immediately agreed with me. Said he was thankful I figured it out on my own. Then he said that was good since he was reluctant to tell me that! Maybe a bit of confirmation bias but I thought that was interesting.
 
solent said:
[snipped]Not sure if you missed the part where I said we plan to make a fresh start :smile:

I did miss that bit. Sorry about that! I hope it works out for you both. I admit I'm skeptical but you're the ones living it.
 
solent said:
Right, she visited the doctor today and after a clear explanation of the situation, she was told that she's in an abusive relationship! The doctor refused to refer her or issue any antidepressant prescription, instead advising she gets away from me. My 'partner' came back to the house in tears and explained what she'd been told, and expressed a will to get CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) regardless, and has no intention of following this doctors advice. She also suggested we get some couples counselling, which certainly can't hurt us. I plan to also return to CBT since there's probably more I can work on improving in myself.

I find it deeply troubling that regardless of this relationship, the doctor dismissed the BPD symptoms as 'a response to the relationship'.



Not sure if you missed the part where I said we plan to make a fresh start :smile:

I hate to say this but from past experience in situations like this (90% of what you have said I have seen myself) the general vibe I get from you is a Mature empathic human being, her on the other hand is not bipolar she is a manipulator, not just you it sounds like she does the same to her Doctor.
Threatens to leave and when you call her bluff she turns on the emotions, controlling every aspect of the relationship and kicking off and using emotional tags when things do not go her way. I doubt you have ever actually seen real emotions from her ever, I think it is just wishful thinking and feeling on your side, no matter how many fresh starts you give her, no matter how many times she breaks down and cries or talks you have it will only last for weeks at a time until she can try manipulate you again.
She will twist every truth and gets her kicks on putting you through the ringer, scores points with doctors with her sob stories and comes home sobbing to you and I am pretty sure she was laughing her ass off inside while telling you in the most distraught voice how the doctor said it was all your fault.
 
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solent said:
Right, she visited the doctor today and after a clear explanation of the situation, she was told that she's in an abusive relationship! The doctor refused to refer her or issue any antidepressant prescription, instead advising she gets away from me. My 'partner' came back to the house in tears and explained what she'd been told, and expressed a will to get CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) regardless, and has no intention of following this doctors advice. She also suggested we get some couples counselling, which certainly can't hurt us. I plan to also return to CBT since there's probably more I can work on improving in myself.

I find it deeply troubling that regardless of this relationship, the doctor dismissed the BPD symptoms as 'a response to the relationship'.



Not sure if you missed the part where I said we plan to make a fresh start [emoji2]
Solent, I know there's more than diapers being the issue here. Like I said in the start if you love her, keep her, but find out what's wrong. Slow it down remove factors, help her understand. It may be her and a few crossed wires, but you'll find the help she needs I know it. Don't give up on what you want and need.

In short man up, I think you are already to be honest.

And if the counselor she went to isn't a KAP(kink aware professional) then that might be why she got told what she was told. Don't assume it's what she said to the counselor. I had one treat me like a lab rat for a few months. They aren't all prepared to understand.

Hope all goes well
BB

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It was late when I made my first post, let me explain where I am coming from, before my wife got ill we looked after a lot of little ones, I was a Master/Dom/Daddy and she was a Mistress/Mommy, we retired and just looked after a few special ones over the years.
Now a lot of what you are describing is text book manipulation, to a manipulator some one like you is the best drug ever, notice how every time you try to please her or do what she asks she changes the goals, her end game is to ruin you mentally destroy you as a person that is the point you will become boring to her and she will move on to another.
She leaves you for a few days, you pack her bags then the flip flops and turns on the water works, she does as you ask going to a Doctor/councilor/therapy and then brings it all back to your door, she gives you just enough hope to keep you hanging on like a fish on a line, each time sowing doubt and making you begin to feel hey maybe it is my fault, you will change everything about yourself over time to please her and it will never be enough.
She will cause you do doubt every part of your life that you love and twist everything you do into barbs that hurt you.
She knows exactly what she is doing at every stage and very calculating, she will prey on your empathy and take joy on using her enjoyment of diapers to mess with your head always confusing you always making things not make sense and making you feel guilty.

She is not evil it is just the way a few rare people are and you can not change her, the act of trying to change her is literally like a drug to her, she will bounce you around emotionally, always playing the victim always showing tears when needed knowing exactly how to pull your heart strings, every time you try to end it just at that moment she will be like a lost kitten to draw you back in and make you feel empathy and sorry for her. She will get a kick out of seeing you distraught and crying but very calculating and never showing it.

Its a game to her, just how long can you last before she burns you out, how much of your self will you be willing to change for her, how many of your loves like being a DL can she get you to give up until you are an empty husk she discards.

I am sad to be telling you this and have no idea if it will do any good she picked you because you are the kind of person she will get the most out of breaking, because you are a good person a caring person, a person with empathy and a semi open heart.
 
Bipolar or manipulator, something is seriously wrong with her. And she clearly doesn't love you like you love her. The majority of us have been telling you to leave her, yet you choose to stay with here. You're fooling yourself if you think you can really "start over" too.

You've been warned as best as we can, one way or another she is bad for you.
 
I may be wrong but I can't help thinking that this isn't really about her being little or you wearing - and that she doesn't love you and is clinging on for other reasons.

I'm not saying sex is all there is to a relationship - but it is important to you. Love can grow in other ways - but maybe it hasn't here.

The fact that she has said to a counsellor that the relationship is abusive is also an area for concern IMO.
 
Thanks for your responses. It's a frightening situation to be in.

To reaffirm, the doctor she saw was a GP (general practice), the first line of treatment in the UK. It was here she was refused medication or referral and instead persuaded to get away from me. I have no idea what was said during this appointment, but I did overhear the telephone conversation to this doctor prior to this when she explained along the lines of "my partner feels I am this...". Seemingly this was the trigger and the reason she was called in to the surgery for a face to face! It seems strange practice that the doctor was more interested in her relationship than assessing her mood.

I understand that a number on here are convinced she's a manipulative abuser, but I also want to make clear you've only got my side on this. I'm a bright enough guy and I'm normally fairly effective at reading people, and I'm simply not convinced she is intentionally abusive. When she's in a positive upswing / on a good day she's kind, loving, proud to be with me and generally considerate. When she's on a downswing / on a bad day I'm often convinced she doesn't love me, and feeds off resentment. I can feel loved and supported one day, to hated and resented the next. Things got so bad that this became highly cyclical to the point 50% of days were bad days!

Since the breakup, she has understood and accepted she cannot behave as she has regarding my wearing of diaps. She has also seemed far more understanding of my wider sexuality, preferences and needs. I've made quite clear that she either has me as I am, or she doesn't have me at all. I'm not changing for anyone, it would be insulting to both sides of the relationship. What's surprising to me is that for close to a year she has been uncomfortable about my wearing, has said all sorts of contradictory things and in general not been supportive, but now she's prepared to drop her whole issue with me and them, providing I understand some clear sexual boundaries that I thought were already established (when wet, most intimacy is off the cards except for PIV).

Today she spoke to an actual counsellor, and they have undermined the doctor's advice by suggesting she does a) need to resume antidepressants (she was taking them during university some time before we met) and b) it's likely her behaviour is a result of depression / anxiety rather than a personality disorder. However, they are prepared to refer her to a psychiatrist.

I have asked during the past few days now that we are on much better terms if she can explain to me why she has been the way she has. Her explanation of this is that when angry or not thinking clearly, she has said inappropriate things that didn't come out as she intended them to. To me, this seems really odd. How can someone say controlling and manipulative things as a result of their depression / mood unless there is intent to affect someones actions?
 
solent said:
Thanks for your responses. It's a frightening situation to be in.

To reaffirm, the doctor she saw was a GP (general practice), the first line of treatment in the UK. It was here she was refused medication or referral and instead persuaded to get away from me. I have no idea what was said during this appointment, but I did overhear the telephone conversation to this doctor prior to this when she explained along the lines of "my partner feels I am this...". Seemingly this was the trigger and the reason she was called in to the surgery for a face to face! It seems strange practice that the doctor was more interested in her relationship than assessing her mood.

I understand that a number on here are convinced she's a manipulative abuser, but I also want to make clear you've only got my side on this. I'm a bright enough guy and I'm normally fairly effective at reading people, and I'm simply not convinced she is intentionally abusive. When she's in a positive upswing / on a good day she's kind, loving, proud to be with me and generally considerate. When she's on a downswing / on a bad day I'm often convinced she doesn't love me, and feeds off resentment. I can feel loved and supported one day, to hated and resented the next. Things got so bad that this became highly cyclical to the point 50% of days were bad days!

Since the breakup, she has understood and accepted she cannot behave as she has regarding my wearing of diaps. She has also seemed far more understanding of my wider sexuality, preferences and needs. I've made quite clear that she either has me as I am, or she doesn't have me at all. I'm not changing for anyone, it would be insulting to both sides of the relationship. What's surprising to me is that for close to a year she has been uncomfortable about my wearing, has said all sorts of contradictory things and in general not been supportive, but now she's prepared to drop her whole issue with me and them, providing I understand some clear sexual boundaries that I thought were already established (when wet, most intimacy is off the cards except for PIV).

Today she spoke to an actual counsellor, and they have undermined the doctor's advice by suggesting she does a) need to resume antidepressants (she was taking them during university some time before we met) and b) it's likely her behaviour is a result of depression / anxiety rather than a personality disorder. However, they are prepared to refer her to a psychiatrist.

I have asked during the past few days now that we are on much better terms if she can explain to me why she has been the way she has. Her explanation of this is that when angry or not thinking clearly, she has said inappropriate things that didn't come out as she intended them to. To me, this seems really odd. How can someone say controlling and manipulative things as a result of their depression / mood unless there is intent to affect someones actions?

Think about this. You first say you don't believe she is manipulative, then finish by saying there has to be some sort if intent behind the controllong and manipulative things she does say. You also point out she needs antidepressant meds- which she has not been taking, and her counselor wants to refer her to a psychiatrist- which she has turned down.

Most of us aren't saying she is abusive either. But we are saying this is a bad relationship for you, mostly because we have an objective and outside view you don't have.
 
Slomo said:
Think about this. You first say you don't believe she is manipulative, then finish by saying there has to be some sort if intent behind the controllong and manipulative things she does say. You also point out she needs antidepressant meds- which she has not been taking, and her counselor wants to refer her to a psychiatrist- which she has turned down.

Most of us aren't saying she is abusive either. But we are saying this is a bad relationship for you, mostly because we have an objective and outside view you don't have.

She needed antidepressants some years back, and came off them accordingly. She was then fine for a good while. Both of these instances happened before we even met. She is happy to be referred to a psychiatrist, and for the first time someone is in agreement in the medical profession that this is a reasonable step - I'm not sure what made you think otherwise, apologies if I'm not being particularly clear in my posts.
 
solent said:
She needed antidepressants some years back, and came off them accordingly. She was then fine for a good while. Both of these instances happened before we even met. She is happy to be referred to a psychiatrist, and for the first time someone is in agreement in the medical profession that this is a reasonable step - I'm not sure what made you think otherwise, apologies if I'm not being particularly clear in my posts.

My understanding is when someone needs to be put on antidepressants, it's seldom they ever go off them without slipping into their old behaviours. You also said they were ready to refer her. My experience has been when a doctor wants to refer someone they will go ahead and do it, unless that someone says no.

I guess I'm wrong, but this is all twlling me she needs meds and that referral but has declined them both- all whole telling you differently.
 
It sounds like your GF has some emotional issues that will be a barrier to your happiness going forward.

First, in my opinion, there is no room for selfishness in a mutual ABDL relationship. If you both have ABDL desires, then each of you should recognize how fortunate you are to have a partner that will even discuss ABDL play, and not run screaming in the other direction. If you both have ABDL sides, each of you should take turns indulging the other in their desires. This should be 50% "all about your fantasy" time, and 50% "all about my fantasy." That's the only mature way to go about it with two ABDLs involved.

Some posters have mentioned bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. In general, I will say use caution in making armchair diagnoses. Knowing your girlfriend is a borderline personality doesn't help you deal with her better, it just tells you her symptoms may be incurable. Be very cautious about throwing around diagnoses you're not qualified to make (and which will be received as accusations anyway).

Now, I personally have bipolar disorder, and it is a material factor in how my ABDL desires manifest, so I will shed some light on it. First, men are about 3-4 time more likely than women to have bipolar disorder. Mania, or "high" stages, is linked with impulsiveness, risk-taking, and atypical sexual behavior. For me, my diaper urges only manifest when when I am manic. When I get manic, I indulge my diaper desires and take stupid risks with my activities. When I suddenly shift to a depressive or "non-manic" phase, all my interest in diapers evaporates, and I sometimes purge out of shame. I am certain that bipolar disorder is common among ABDLs, and is a major contributor to unhealthy binge/purge cycles that are so common. If your GF is bipolar, you should get educated and know what you're getting yourself into.

All in all, it sounds like your girl is too immature (naturally or artificially) to handle a two-way, mutual relationship. It doesn't sound like things will improve. As someone who is looking for a girl who I can share my ABDL interests with with, I sympathize with your predicament. Finding any ABDL girl is a very lucky occurrence, but you may need to cast your this one off and keep looking.

A girl who wants you to indulge her ABDL fantasy but won't tolerate yours is not a good match for a partner. A girl you can build a relationship with will be understanding and non-judgmental about your desires, at a mimnimum, even if she doesn't want to personally take part in your ABDL play. If she IS willing to take part in your fantasies, the most you should ask is for a limited commitment in her part at first. Dropping your desires on her and expecting her to be a full time mommy without you doing equally as much for her fantasies is unfair. If you can each play to the others fantasies, you have a potential match.
 
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