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Thread: Back from the darkest shadows

  1. #1

    Default Back from the darkest shadows

    I'm guessing most people didn't notice my absence. I've been in a massive dark pit lately. I feel like a useless person and that I don't have an overall point in my life. I save money than I have to spend it on bills, medical mostly. I need a vision exam costing me 500 to 600 dollars. Now I might have to see a doctor about something else soon. Not what you think. I've been finding diaper to be a good depression repressor. Honestly I don't have much strength anymore. I feel weak most days. I've been feeling more of an outcast more than normal. My anger is gone, but that might be for the worst. I'm feeling stable so far, but I've had to wear more often. It's not a problem

  2. #2


    It's a terrible feeling when you're trying to save money, and it gets eaten up by a medical problem. The important thing is that you take care of your eyes and that you are healthy. Does your insurance plan cover any of this or is there any organization that helps out for low-income medical necessities?

    As for the other issues, Kryan, I'm glad you're posting here so we can support you. I do think that if you 'feel weak' most days then you should definitely see a doctor about this as well. If you already have to see a doctor about something else, then why not just go the rest of the mile and do what you know you should be doing? I know you've been feeling frustrated sometimes that we can't help you, but it should be taken as a sign that we want you to contact the people who CAN help you. Depression is most commonly caused by clinical physiological imbalances in the body, so no amount of support can treat it properly. The good news is that it can be treated. Isn't that what you're hoping for? Wouldn't it be the best feeling in the world to wake up wanting to take on a new day rather than feeling too depressed to get out of bed? If you have to spend money on medical bills, then I think it would be adviseable to go the full distance and get your mental health looked at as well.

    Look at it this way. When you are having problems with your eyes, you go to a doctor to get yourself treated because losing your sight would be a terrible thing to happen. When you have back pain, you see a doctor so that you can continue to work and have a steady income. When you are sick, you take antibiotics to get well. Depression is no different. If you would get help for all those other health issues, then why ignore your mental health? It needs as much care as the rest of your body, and if you don't treat it, then your mind and body break down.

    In the past, we have often talked about things that are causing you to feel this way: not having your own place, living with an abusive father, depression, wanting a relationship, feeling trapped in your job, and conflict with your boss. There's been tons of suggestions in previous threads, but for some reason you have been unable to take the next steps forward. How can we help you do that?I have always said that the best place to start is to take one of these problems, preferably the one that is causing you the most anxiety, and break it down into small manageable goals. For example, your concerns about your employer's treatment of you and your staff are valid, so considering the options that have been presented so far, such as going over her head, contacting the TWC, or discussing it with your colleagues, there are some steps you can take, ranging from safe to risky. In the final analysis, you have nothing to lose by trying something, no matter how small, because allowing it to continue is what is killing your mental health. So the question is how we can help you decide and plan those next steps, given that there is no quick-fix solution available.

    I'm glad the anger levels have gone down, and if wearing helps with how you're feeling then please keep it up. I think it's a stress relaese for you so I would not see money being spent on diapers as a luxury when they are actually helping you maintain your mental health.

    Keep posting. Keep talking to us.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 29-Aug-2017 at 03:01.

  3. #3


    And furthermore - I would consider that on a subconscious level... that you are not only not-seeking help yet, you are holding on to those very issues that you've identified as principle obstructions to your health and wellness and, prosperity... Which getting actual help threatens, the known and instilled conditions.

    Why or how, could that be?
    No, not as excuses or as some handy assortment of tools used to manipulate and justify getting support but, more likely - that you haven't found (or, it's skewed) your internal rationalization for validity, as a rather existential crisis... that you demand and know the need of free agency yet, you simply cannot find it (as tangible proof) for yourself. Yet, you're not getting the validation from others, sufficiently enough to compensate for your own believed invalidation...

    Also, in failing to self-validate - it becomes a rather obsessive notion or mission; to keep attempting to mine it from those you interact with... online and, in-person...

    Which, as you might have noticed, is very difficult and often falls short of the intended goals and your needs... At least though, where you're not (such as here) getting abject negativity or blatant indifference or, lack of supposition of consideration for you...'re given some level of reprieve and, the more objective goal of care, compassion and notions, even hope and, collective intent towards your well-being... Still, it falls short yet, it is generally better than what you deal with, in-person and, on your own, alone...

    It's important and our goal, to try to assist you, to every opportunity - to have another opportunity yet, there is a fine-line to keeping you distracted from your decisions and from walking your own path (enabling) and, that of assisting you in your decisions you make, in walking your own path, with our support (empowering).

    You ought to be prepared... in that we cannot walk your path for you and, that we have our own, path to walk... we might each need to hang back, take a sudden turn or, walk some distance, ahead of you...

    ... it always has been, it is now and, it shall foreseeably remain... each of our individual choices - to lead, follow or, walk beside the other... how long shall anyone attempt to carry you or, will you not carry another too?

    If you're genuinely willing to take your life, by your own hands - will you not also be able to take your life, into - your own hands, as well? Consider, having your life - rather than taking it...

    We're all in this together and, we're each, on our own, too!

    In other words - I believe that your crisis, are a part of your subconscious-identity, in a sort of circular-reference and self-prophetic nature.

    In the context of this looping existence and subsequent resulting conclusion of your identity... the perspective, lends quite assuredly, to the resulting perceptions of futility - challenged sometimes (or, incrementally), by only, the instinctual functions of actual survival or, innate will to live...

    Complicated more (especially to the more intellectual processes)... by that of what is needed - is so simple (not speaking to easy or trivial), as to be inconceivable and disproportionate to the levels of duress and resulting complications as evidenced by contextual experience - it's ignored or, disregarded entirely... And, further inaction is anecdotally supported by experience and/or accounts of others - who have found perfunctorily... this so-called help to be of little to no use and even may be further detrimental... And, that is a risk...

    Yet, it explains to some degree, why the/your interpretation for resolution - might result in the otherwise absurd (yet, expected results) and extreme notion, that suicidal ideation, fantasy or, beliefs keep arising...

    That the cycle, must be broken or, at least interrupted often enough to allow for reprieve...

    The crisis and your identity become so intertwined, as to make them apparently, one and the same... and, with an analogous view - the end of this identity (you) becomes an apparent logical conclusion, that is self-evident and, apparently, proven... yet again, your instinctual self preservation (and, potential after-death contemplation) tends to thwart this suicidal action... so-far. And, that it remains an emotional barrier (causing lack of motivation or action), towards getting actual treatment...

    And, let's suppose for the sake of argument... that this kind of help is pointless... or wrought with issues too...

    and, that suicide is actually, self-homicide...

    and, that upon one's mortal death, there might be, the unknown abyss, some sort of reincarnation (do you come back as a bird, a human in the barbaric past or, a human in the (who-knows-what) future, a heaven, hell or, purgatory...

    In context to that, how bad do you have it now? And, what importance, might there be, to living now?

    From what I can tell... we have only three actual choices to any given condition or circumstance of good, bad or, indifferent prospects.

    1. Thoughtfully and intentionally engage (pro-act)
    2. Do nothing or, ignore (be/remain inactive)
    3. Freak-out/loose conscious effort/moderation (react)

    Let's also assume for the moment - that there is no right or wrong (good or bad), no grade or measure of righteousness or intellect...

    ...there are simply results, consequences (with and without moral and ethical complications), cause & effect and, equal and opposite reactions...

    What do you do now?

    I'll attempt an analogy...
    A computer that shuts-down and restarts, repeatedly... maybe, it gets a BSOD and has to be manually restarted or, an interrupted update, virus, etc causes it to cycle shut-downs and restarts, on it's own...

    It's shutting-down to prevent self-destruction.
    It's restarting to resume functioning and, availability to function.

    Is it from a faulty hardware component?
    Is it bad, faulty or, corrupt code, software or, programming?
    Is it a combination?

    As has been stated - you seek a Doctor for your eyes (good eye-dea!)...

    Why, won't you see a Doctor, of the mind or, brain... heck, even one of the spirit and the soul?

    We are not Doctors - at best, we are nurses and, we cannot see you - we are here yet, we are not there!

    Continuing to support you yet, the conditions, that you see a professional - might someday become a requirement, for our otherwise unfettered/unconditional and, unending support to continue, may come to fruition... we are human and frail too...

    To my recollection - you've never actually responded to me in the past... I wish that you would now - so, at least, I would know that it does mean something to you and, you might want me to explain better... what the hell, I'm talking about! Anything that I ought to learn to do better - is a service to me and others... Help me out here, please?

    My best for now... several hours later and, I need to leave for physical therapy!

    Take care!

  4. #4


    I know exactly how you are feeling and it is terrible, especially when not only all your money that you are trying to save is getting eaten up, but also when you feel not well overall and your problems just keep adding. Getting yourself from such a pinch isn't an easy task, I've had extended periods of depression for quite a while, but what I've found most important is to keep fighting for better tomorrow - like seriously, in so many cases actually hope is the only thing that people have left in this world and I've known many people with serious problems, like my buddy who just recently fought serious cancer. He spent like two years in a hospital, weak and alone, but he had hope and now he is living a normal life with bad pension and other medical problems on top of that, so just remember, that you are not alone struggling in life

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