I have been thinking lately about how difficult it will be to be in little space when I am up in college. It is true that I will have at least one package of diapers up there at a time and a 2 pacis. I have also debated about bringing Todd, my fox plushie with me up there. But why must school prevent me from becoming that which I truly desire.

Truth is, the feelings that I thought I had eliminated from my mind, when I resolved to embrace who I am and also to get help from a therapist in order to overcome my past, are slowly but surely returning which is giving strength to the same demon who I had contained and confined in the darkest dungeons of my mind. That demon (who is the image of my first grade substitute teacher) that gives rise to my evil side is starting to wake up and boss me around. I feel that if I do not give in, that I will be unhappy, but if I do give in I will also be unhappy for the things I say or do that is not of my own will.

This apprehension I feel has been felt time and again every year I return to any school. When I was at the internship, the summer after my freshman year, I was able to socialize. This gave me strength to fend the demon off, but now that I will soon return to an institution (after spending time with a therapist to give me peace), as necessary as it may be, that makes me unhappy.

Every human must get through college nowadays for the job that they want. However, that human must also survive College as a sort of extended High School. Although the students tend to not bother each other, the Professors demand more devotion to their classes than ever before as the course levels increase throughout the years. Even when other students meet, the conversation is inactive and without meaning. The true conversations at my school happen online while I am busy doing my work diligently. In this world, my existence is unknown to many who attend and as I work, putting my own life on the line to do so, I risk everything I have in order to get through it.

All I know is the question - "How can I live with myself, going through this monotonous routine and yet try to remain a model student?" Even now as I write this, the overwhelming feelings of doubt (that if I will ever be good enough to come out into the light after this ordeal) is an uncertain, but possible truth I have been living out these past years. I have been waiting for a miracle to bring me to salvation from this torture, but nothing has come. No one has saved me. For someone who believes in God, it is a hard thing to accept when that same God that you have admired and fought for all these years has not saved his own flesh and his own blood. Why must the blood of the innocent be spilt through college if the only reason is to be able to lead a normal life.

That's right... For me, a normal life is why I go to college. I endure the years of torture just to have the opportunity to live my life as I see fit; for if I do not do this, I will live the life of a peasant - a person who has been called disabled. A life full of scorn and hatred, pain and suffering. A life of being poked and prodded and experimentation by doctors who want to try to cure me. This attention is unwanted, however that is my fate if I do not go.

I have never felt so strongly before that I should become that which I was (the innocent two and a half year old) and remain that way as soon as possible for as long as possible. If I cannot do this at regular intervals, I will be lost and adrift. My consciousness and my personality will be no more and my evil alter ego will be front and center controlling my every action. I must become that innocent person (who is the real me) and stay that way, but by doing so, I will have to relinquish control as an adult and leave that world behind.

I never had the chance or opportunity to truly be myself when I was a child. I was never able to play very much after the incident in first grade. I stuck to my studies and put up fronts to keep everyone at arm's lengths so that I do not end up hurting them. I knew that I was dangerous and that I had to find a way to keep myself from spiraling out of control. I willed myself to mature so that I would exceed the maturity of those that bullied me, but by doing so I became more of a target. By developing my hard outer skin (my castle) I would be able to keep the inner me from harm and also contain the evil that had sprouted, slowly eating away at the inner me. That outer skin and my current personality was able to protect me for 14 years. But it's starting to break down and lose integrity.

Without an imminent and permanent regression, things could get ugly and my evil side will be completely unleashed. However it is not as simple as flicking a switch and turning off my adult side and using the remaining baby side forever. With the expectations of those around me and what I have to go through in order to end this ordeal I cannot turn myself off, no matter how much I want to. That is a problem because I am growing weaker and weaker by the day. Soon I will be a hollow shell, facing school as a heartless and soulless automaton without any emotion. That is always how I have approached school in order to get through it. However, I fear this time will be different as I creep ever closer on my own doomsday clock. I am so scared what will happen.

Last winter semester gave me proof that I am dangerous. I had an episode in class of where I proclaimed that I would kill myself and I said some perceived nasty things to another student. This incident involved the campus police. I evaded capture and then barricaded myself in the dorm room while armed policemen were searching for me as I tried to stabilize myself. The disability services person stuck her neck out and called off the police hunt. I was so scared that day.

So what is your view on this... Am I truly ready to return and if I do return will I survive? I await your answer....