Does anyone feel physical pain and self hate with SO?

Hey Adisc been a while. Havent' realy felt the desire to come back until recently, but that's mostly because I need someone to talk to about this. This may be a long post and I don't expect many replies, but it just feels good to type what I'm feeling.

I've mentioned before on this site I'm dating a wonderful woman now for about 2.5 years I believe. She's very nice and cares a lot about me. She's been accepting of my AB/DL side since before we got together. I'm sure some of you know the feeling of slowly introducing things and making progress with your significant other in this field. Progressing to certain milestones like changing me into a fresh diaper, bottle feeding me and generally trying to be more cuddly when I'm in that space. And I feel selfish because that's more progress than I should have ever expected from someone and she's doing it for me. I mentioned the idea of a few other things like games and toys which she said she'd enjoy doing which is great. I try to do stuff we'd both enjoy.

But recently it feels terrible and makes me want to cry. Before when I indulged it was after work/dinner/shower until morning (10pm-8am) when I go back to adult mode. We had a discussion about it in the last month because I just felt like I'd get changed and we'd watch a movie until bed time. So I wanted a little more time to be little as I'd be sleeping most of the time. I asked what would maker her happy or more comfortable when she lets me indulge. She said she would like it if I maybe did it once a week which really took me back. I asked her if there was any part she enjoyed about it and she said not necessarily, but she doesn't mind doing it for me.

That's the first time I felt this weird pain in my chest. An actual pain in my heart that I now get from time to time when I feel I'm being selfish or when I'm feeling unloved as a little. It's not something she takes any joy in and even though I knew it wasn't her favorite thing I thought maybe she enjoyed it a little bit because she enjoys making people happy. I thought we were doing so well and just feel this came out of nowhere.

It's not even like I ask for it every day. Some days I just wanna throw on a diaper before bed and since we're in a long distance relationship and only see each other a few times a month I only get any attention for AB stuff about once a month, which isn't bad per se. I figured because she'll be moving in soon that maybe she thought I'd ask for it more but now I want to hide it all again. I talked to her a couple times about it before and she told me not to hide it from her because she doesn't want me to feel bad. But how am I supposed to enjoy it if I know she'd rather be doing anything else? I feel self hatred like I never thought I'd feel again. I was accepting of myself for the last 5 or so years. It's who I am and what I do to calm down. No problem. But now I feel I'm forcing it on someone I care about and it's shutting me down. She never acknowledges me when I'm in little mode. As if I'm just a dude in a diaper and nothing else. She never really played along and I guess I know why now. Sometimes she'll call me her little buddy when she know I'm sad but never any other time... I learned that in one of our conversations. She also said she wants me to be her boyfriend even though I am about 80% of the time.

I just feel so alone. I thought she was accepting of the mommy role and now I feel like a kid who's parent wants nothing to do with them. It feels like my childhood all over again and it really hurts. I set myself up so high and now I'm crashing so spectacularly. It's even more pathetic that every time we talk about it I start to cry. Every. Time. I'm very sensitive about this stuff and she knows it. She always tries to make me feel better when it starts but the emotions are so intense. Nothing else, no sad movie or sad puppy commercials can phase me until I ask for a serious talk about little stuff. Then I literally cry like a baby.

It looks like I'm no longer making any progress and I don't know if I ever will again. I used to scoff at people purging but now it's happening to me as I lose my self respect and sense of self worth. It's taking me down to that dark place again that makes my eyes tear up at night when I'm in bed alone. I was never her little one. And I'll never feel that kind of love.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting, or selfish, overthinking, or all of that and then some! I just know it hurts to think about and I'm very confused what to do and feel. Again, she's very sweet and maybe doesn't know how important this is to me or just doesn't really care (which she shouldn't have to) even though we've discussed it many times. Feel free to leave advice if you want. It was kinda a vent/rant diary blog thing. I can't say I feel much better but now I feel like maybe I should seriously consider indulging in my free time so I don't feel like a needy jerk. Maybe I can ween myself off the delusions I set myself under. Thanks for reading and I sincerely hope you guys are doing well in your "little" endeavors.

Also if I wasn't clear I would love to be with her for a very long time. She's not just a great gf but a great person too. And that does mean more to me than anything. So breaking it off is out of the question.

Hello PokeBro92 and thank you for sharing.

I read the story and the whole tie what went through my mind was the three most important part of a relationship: Communication, communication and communication.

Talk things over with your SO at an appropriate time, Actively listen to her.

When I first came out to my wife we talked and in a couple of days I presented her with a list of boundaries and we agreed on them.

The big thing is that I ask if she is in the mode to take care of "My Little" and she had every right to say NO, with out an explanation.

So talk to your So and go from there.

I should add If I am having issues and going little as a coping mechanism I let her know. She doesn't participate at times, but she understands that I am doing "meditation" and clearing negative thoughts form my head. So again communication is key.

Good Luck

Egor

If I summarize this correctly, you said "since we're in a long distance relationship and only see each other a few times a month I only get any attention for AB stuff about once a month," OK and now she is saying that if she moves in with you, she would like to start with no more than once a week. that's 4 times more than you get it now. I am not sure I see the problem. it looks very much like she is offering a compromise.

I have the opposite problem PokeBro92, but your situation seems to be my worst nightmare when I look at potential SO situations. I do not have an SO, but I long to have one that is also an AB/Little that also shares some of my adult interests too. Trouble is, I cannot find one by face to face and I am terrified of going to munches (I've never been to one) or the after parties. I have already received consul on creating an account on FetLife, but it doesn't seem feasible right now for me to do so. Also, I got struck out in High School with two people who were my friends not accepting my feelings for being something more. This coupled with the social isolation in college because everyone is so entrenched into social media, is making me feel that my ideal match, nor any possible SO would want me as their partner.

egor said:

Hello PokeBro92 and thank you for sharing.

I read the story and the whole tie what went through my mind was the three most important part of a relationship: Communication, communication and communication.

Talk things over with your SO at an appropriate time, Actively listen to her.

When I first came out to my wife we talked and in a couple of days I presented her with a list of boundaries and we agreed on them.

The big thing is that I ask if she is in the mode to take care of "My Little" and she had every right to say NO, with out an explanation.

So talk to your So and go from there.

I should add If I am having issues and going little as a coping mechanism I let her know. She doesn't participate at times, but she understands that I am doing "meditation" and clearing negative thoughts form my head. So again communication is key.

Good Luck

Egor

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Thanks. I would like to have another conversation and maybe try to understand if maybe I misunderstood something but I'm afraid if I keep bringing it up I'll just come across as annoying and she'll grow to resent that side of me which terrifies me. And that sounds like a reasonable situation to be in. Thanks for your advice.

ArchtopK said:

If I summarize this correctly, you said "since we're in a long distance relationship and only see each other a few times a month I only get any attention for AB stuff about once a month," OK and now she is saying that if she moves in with you, she would like to start with no more than once a week. that's 4 times more than you get it now. I am not sure I see the problem. it looks very much like she is offering a compromise.

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The number isn't necessarily the worst part. Would I prefer it a few more times a month? Sure. It's the fact that I was under the impression she enjoyed some aspect of it and now I know she never did. It's just a chore for her and the little part of me just feels abandoned. Like I said it's probably my fault for assuming but it still hurts. I do appreciate that she's trying to compromise though.

AustinTheLionhearted said:

I have the opposite problem PokeBro92, but your situation seems to be my worst nightmare when I look at potential SO situations. I do not have an SO, but I long to have one that is also an AB/Little that also shares some of my adult interests too. Trouble is, I cannot find one by face to face and I am terrified of going to munches (I've never been to one) or the after parties. I have already received consul on creating an account on FetLife, but it doesn't seem feasible right now for me to do so. Also, I got struck out in High School with two people who were my friends not accepting my feelings for being something more. This coupled with the social isolation in college because everyone is so entrenched into social media, is making me feel that my ideal match, nor any possible SO would want me as their partner.

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I'm sorry to hear that man. If theres anything I can say it's that I always share my little side before I get into a relationship. It sounds risky and probably is, but I'd never be able to go a few years down the line and not tell my SO. So far it seems to have worked both times and am only running into issues now. Keep you chin up. There's someone out there for everyone and I'm sure if you keep putting yourself out there you'll be rewarded in time. I had the luxury of dating girls who were good friends beforehand so we were already connected before I started having feelings. That's my method I suppose.