Mental illness and my abdl side

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with long periods of depression that started for no apparent reason and seemed I last forever. Also from as long as I can remember from my very earliest memories, I have harbored a secret and recurring desire to be diapered. Both of these facts are an integral part of my identity.

I want to be clear at the outset - I don't believe infantilism or abdl desires in general are a form of mental illness. I believe that the abdl spectrum is most likely explained by factors that were present during the very formative potty training period of early childhood development, not from any neurological penomenon. However, I do believe that for people like me who are both abdl and suffer from a mental illness of some kind, the two things are often related in some way. I'll explain how this is so in my case.

When I was in my mid 20s, I was finally diagnosed with type 2 Bipolar disorder. People who are type 2 bipolar do not get full-blown "Charlie sheen" manic, but instead suffer prolonged periods of depression with occasional bouts of "hypomania," which is like mildly feeling awesome at all times, believing you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it, and having tons of energy and needing only a few hours sleep.

Hypomania is associated with increased sex drive and engaging in "risky" behavior. This is exactly how my disorder affects me as it concerns my abdl side. I generally have no libido whatsoever during my long periods of depression, and diapers are not even an afterthought for me during these periods. The sheer amount of work it takes to maintain an abdl lifestyle is way too exhausting to think about during these periods. But when a period of hypomania finally comes back around, I start taking unusual risks like ordering diapers to be delivered to my parents house or wearing huge diapers out in public without making any real effort to hide them (I do at least put some shorts over them, but I make no effort to hide the bulk, the crinkle, or the waddle).

As I've learned more about the natural way my mood goes through cycles, my past history of binging and purging makes much more sense looking back. Generally I go on an abdl shopping spree when I first get into a hypomanic state, and I have often bought tons of abdl gear just to use thr stuff one time in my hypomanic state, feel remorse and shame soon after I was done, and then throw everything away the day after it arrived.

As I've learned more about my illness and how it lead to an unhealthy binge/purge cycle, I've been able to overcome the negative cycle of binge/purge, not by learning to resist my urges to binge, but by resisting the urge to purge. I've come to accept that I will always have recurring periods where my abdl interests are heightened from time to time. I've come to peace with the fact that these indulgent periods are an essential part of who I am, and I have largely learned to let go of the shame I used to feel after a diapering binge and just accept myself.

Now I am still mortified by the thought of my habits ever being discovered by anyone else, but so long as I can keep my lifestyle secret, I can co-exist eight my abdl side.

If anyone else feels that their abdl side is closely related to a mental illness, I'd love,to hear your story.

Many of us here suffer from mental illness and many of us feel safer and happier in ABDL mode. My story is similar and I've gone into tidbits in the past already.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a result of being highly sensitive along with a long series of "Pink Floyd: The Wall" style moments in my life. In the truest form, my fear that overwhelms me more than anything is rejection. Being abandoned. Being looked down upon. So pretty much every human interaction I could possibly have puts me in that danger. I've never been able to figure out this whole normal society thing as I've considered myself a societal reject for decades.

I feel emotions on a heightened scale. Guilt is one emotion that is ever threatening me since I have a low self image and a long history of self harm and suicide attempts. I fear that my ending will be met by my own hands some day in the future. This scares me. A lot. I punish myself for tiny infractions if I think I've hurt or displeased someone important to me.

I've also had intense feelings about diapers all my life and have made every effort to hide that weirdness from those around me. I've ever only told my wife, and that was the scariest conversation of my life. I thought I was a freak and abomination. When I realized there were others, I tried to distance myself from it. I didn't want to admit I was a creepy weirdo. But binge and purge cycles and the ever-changing emotional states I live through ripping me up weren't doing anything useful. I finally admitted my true and full ABDL identity. It's who I am and I own it. I no longer will live a live of feeling shame and guilt over something that sooths away the intensity that I try to filter out every day.

It's hard to imagine ABDL desires not being a significant source of mental distress for nearly everyone who has them. We binge because the desire is so strong. We purge because we are ashamed of ourselves for caving in to disgusting desires. We develop coping mechanisms. The binge/purge cycles may be a coping mechanism in which we try to balance shameful bliss with adequate self-recrimination. Sooner or later we figure out this isn't beneficial to our mental health so we strive for self-acceptance instead. For some, this isn't so easy.

So, yes, I believe ABDL desires can be directly related to depression and feelings of worthlessness.

Drifter said:

It's hard to imagine ABDL desires not being a significant source of mental distress for nearly everyone who has them. We binge because the desire is so strong. We purge because we are ashamed of ourselves for caving in to disgusting desires. We develop coping mechanisms. The binge/purge cycles may be a coping mechanism in which we try to balance shameful bliss with adequate self-recrimination. Sooner or later we figure out this isn't beneficial to our mental health so we strive for self-acceptance instead. For some, this isn't so easy.

So, yes, I believe ABDL desires can be directly related to depression and feelings of worthlessness.

Click to expand...

I used to be on the binge-purge cycle and I currently am just getting out of a purge. I will try to accept who I am within moderation and hope to keep up getting enough diapers to sustain my 'little' side. My 'little' side throws tantrums in my head if that side of me can't come out to play at least once a month and it lowers my overall mood if it cannot come out at least weekly. My 'little' is directly tethered to trauma I experienced in the first grade. From that trauma I wanted to roll back the clock to when I was 2-3 years old in order to feel like 'myself' again.

The Discord server seems to be helping me out with that aspect without the alone time in diapers, but I stress again - diapers will help and other accessories too (if you are into that sort of thing). One of the EC's there made me shrink last night... (O_O) There I was, 'little' me and I was quite cute when I talked. That was the first time I came out like that and it was fun, especially since I got a (virtual) soggy bottom before bedtime.

So to summarize, being 'little' may be expensive in the long run, but it is not worth sacrificing your mental health to avoid doing it.