View Poll Results: Should I leave nana and grandad?

Voters
5. You may not vote on this poll
  • Leave my nana and grandad and pretend my safe haven never existed?

    0 0%
  • Still go, my dad will have to put up with it (could cause potentional tension)

    5 100.00%
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Thread: A moral dialema

  1. #1

    Default A moral dialema

    I'm having a bit of a moral dielema at the moment about my choice to still go to my nana and grandads, the reason I still want too even though dad has straightened his act a little bit is that nana and grandads in my childhood was the only place that i could truely be me and relax and not have to worry about being smacked or yelled at or belittled.

    My dad basically is upset and confused that I still want to go there, he said if that was his dad who got accused of cheating and being disowned, He would disown my nana and grandad! I think he is in a mood with me since he thinks I don't care about what nana and grandad did and that I love them more etc.

    I know where he's coming from and I was upset at nana and grandad for about two days but I've learnt not to be angry and forgive. I might feel like that because he was quite scary in childhood, he always shouted at me, smacked etc, but the thing was, he always took mums side and joined in, he does NOT do that now that mom is gone but I forgave dad as I found his true side which I can say isn't perfect but it's a huge improvement and I actually started to like him.

    What should I do?

  2. #2

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Angelic View Post
    I'm having a bit of a moral dielema at the moment about my choice to still go to my nana and grandads, the reason I still want too even though dad has straightened his act a little bit is that nana and grandads in my childhood was the only place that i could truely be me and relax and not have to worry about being smacked or yelled at or belittled.

    My dad basically is upset and confused that I still want to go there, he said if that was his dad who got accused of cheating and being disowned, He would disown my nana and grandad! I think he is in a mood with me since he thinks I don't care about what nana and grandad did and that I love them more etc.

    I know where he's coming from and I was upset at nana and grandad for about two days but I've learnt not to be angry and forgive. I might feel like that because he was quite scary in childhood, he always shouted at me, smacked etc, but the thing was, he always took mums side and joined in, he does NOT do that now that mom is gone but I forgave dad as I found his true side which I can say isn't perfect but it's a huge improvement and I actually started to like him.

    What should I do?
    I can relate, in that I too, had a Granny and Granddad who I went to stay with as well... for much the same reasons...
    However unlike my father, you do seem to have something to work with on yours... Have you discussed, your part of this dilemma with your dad?

    The thing of it is to me, tell your dad that you do forgive him and, you want to continue growing this relationship with him... let him no too that, you're not letting nanna and granddad off-the-hook for what they may have done yet, you also developed a nurturing relationship with them... and that, is no betrayal to him...

    You might offer to your dad... if it really makes that much difference to him... you'll make a sacrifice for him now yet, the great-grands, aren't going to be around for as long as your dad ought and, you shouldn't be deprived your love - by the insistence that you have to choose - it's not a loyalty issue - it's a love issue. You have history that's undeniable...

    You might also point out - that you have/are forgiving him... and, it would help things along for him to trust you on this... you won't be bad-talking him to your grands...

    That's what I've come up with for now... your thoughts?

    I didn't vote in the poll: I don't think it's an either/or thing... I think a compromise ought to be worked out between at least you and your dad...

    My best,
    -Marka

  3. #3

    Default

    This is the worst thing I've ever had to do, choosing whether or not to to get rid of my happy relationship with my nana and grandad and how they are going to feel or risking my own relationship with my dad and having him resent me

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Angelic View Post
    This is the worst thing I've ever had to do, choosing whether or not to to get rid of my happy relationship with my nana and grandad and how they are going to feel or risking my own relationship with my dad and having him resent me
    Why can't you be shared between them? They don't have to agree with each-other yet, they both should know that an important relationship exists on both sides for you...

  5. #5

    Default

    He seems to think I'm disregarding his feelings and saying they don't matter, I've grown up with anger, I do not need any more in my life! I've done with anger and lieing to myself!

  6. #6

    Default

    Ha....looks like I was the first to vote! My feeling is that family is family, and that doesn't go away unless a family member is really toxic. I don't see that in this case. They are being difficult however. I don't think you should cut yourself off from them because you have some good experiences with them and it sounds like they love you. You might see them less frequently for a while, just to see if things get better.

  7. #7

    Default

    Dad absolutely hates them, he wants me to no longer talk about them, say their names, doesn't want me to show off their clothes they bought me or bring back food when I stay over, it's absolutly redilous!

    Why in hell did I have to be brought I to this?!

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Angelic View Post
    He seems to think I'm disregarding his feelings and saying they don't matter, I've grown up with anger, I do not need any more in my life! I've done with anger and lieing to myself!


    Quote Originally Posted by Angelic View Post
    Dad absolutely hates them, he wants me to no longer talk about them, say their names, doesn't want me to show off their clothes they bought me or bring back food when I stay over, it's absolutly redilous!

    Why in hell did I have to be brought I to this?!
    Yes indeed, why? From what you have written, your father believes that this is all about him. He still has not "grown up" and I would not expect him to be any different than he has been in the past. He is not loving in the least, or he would not be asking you to choose between you and your grandparents.

  9. #9

    Default

    i can't speak from total understanding but what i have dealt with when i visited my dad as a kid and how it has effected me even now, id say its better to have a sace space to go to and that you should put your own mental and physical health first.

  10. #10

    Default

    Physical health?

    - - - Updated - - -

    I'm not being hot anymore?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Hit I meant

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