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Thread: Self vs Self vs Society

  1. #1

    Default Self vs Self vs Society

    I'm struggling with the realization that I'm gay (I've know for about a year now). The internal struggle of how I feel about it fluctuates, sometimes I'm OK with it and sometimes I hate myself for it. Part of it is the loneliness and not being able to find anyone, and the other is the stigma from society about homosexuals.

    At the end of the day all I want is to be happy and I feel like finding a boyfriend would make me happy. However, sometimes I also think that it's wrong and I find myself stuck and afraid. We're told that being gay is wrong and imoral, I don't believe that but it doesn't make it any easier. Completely failing on online dating apps also doesn't help. I turn 21 in a month and I hope to be able to go to gay bars to increase my chances... funny thing is that there aren't many near me .

  2. #2

    Default

    Hi, LordFluffybuttz,

    Your feelings of self-acceptance will come in time, you can be sure of that. I grew up in the seventies and witnessed tremendous advancements in all our legal rights, such as same-sex marriages, anti-discrimination laws, hate crime laws and anti-bullying campaigns. We have come so far. Gays and lesbians are much more visible and accepted than when I was young, and in many ways I envy today's LGBT youth.

    However, in spite of our hard fought rights, there remains an inner turmoil of many young people who have difficulty accepting themselves. After all, we have spent decades being the favourite punching bags of social conservatives and religious fumdamentalists. Just think of the anti-transgender bathroom laws that are becoming more common in the US as transgenders are now becoming the targets of choice.

    It is still engrained in our own consciousness that homosexuality is wrong. The sad part is that we get to believe it ourselves. LGBT youth suffer from a high rate of depression and suicide, and they are at a greater risk of homelessness because of homophobic parents.

    I don't mean to go negative with this information, I just want you to know that what you are feeling is not uncommon, and that there are reasons why you feel this way. I can tell you that it does get easier, and that self-acceptance will come in time. You're 21, still so young and you just want the same things in your life that everyone else wants. You will get there, hopefully with some good support, I'm confident of that. I'm curious if you are out to your family and friends and if they are accepting of you being gay. Certainly I see support as being crucial to your journey of accepting yourself and being comfortable with who you are.

    If I were to make one suggestion, I would recommend that you hold back on diving into the LGBT bar scene. If you are still struggling to accept your own identity, then spending time in a bar where people are drinking and looking to get picked up might not be the best place to start meeting people. I understand the loneliness that comes from being gay, but you should feel comfortable and confident with yourself before you start hitting the bars. As an alternative, you may want to consider building up a network of support around you and engage with LGBT youth in a safe and healthy environment. I live in an area which has been designated a 'Gay Village.' It includes gay bars, but it has so much more than that, including churches, community centres, health services, and LGBT friendly stores amd services. I have no idea where you live, but there may be more than just the bar scene where you can meet people and become actively involved in your community. I'm submitting a few links below just to give you some examples of options that may be available to you.

    https://www.vanderbilt.edu/lgbtqi/re...onal-resources
    https://www.glaad.org/resourcelist

    Hugs, my friend.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 07-Jul-2017 at 03:26.

  3. #3

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    I second what Starrunner is saying. Here in Lynchburg, we have an LGBTQ organization, but Lynchburg has a population of 79,000. If you live in a small area, you may have to travel to a larger area. We also have a church that invites LGBTQ people to attend and they also have a support group. You're community may have something similar. This church's denomination is The Christian Church. You'll find that many Episcopal churches have gay support groups.

  4. #4

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    Hey, can I third what dogboy and Starrunner have said? I wanna super third it!

    I discovered I liked guys in college and there was enough opportunity to experiment and get support that I count myself *very* lucky. I ran into the edges of the local hook up scene and it was terrifying (despite/because it was also attractive). It was hard enough to eventually come to peace with myself, and when I think of the ... 'questionable' choices, young, confused, anxious, and horny my younger safe *could* have made I shudder...(on top of the too many I already did).

    Do you have a college or university nearby? They usually have several LBGT organizations, that might be a good way to meet and build relationships with folks your own age even if you're not a student.

    P.S. *HUGS* It is difficult, but you're not alone. It can feel overwhelming now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!

  5. #5

    Default

    What would you recomend to get into the dating scene? Dating apps and the bar scene seem to be just about hook ups. The LGBT groups around me are a joke, however if/when I transfer to a new and larger college I hope that there will be a better group.

    It's not fair, none of it... then again nothing ever really is.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by LordFluffybuttz View Post
    What would you recomend to get into the dating scene? Dating apps and the bar scene seem to be just about hook ups. The LGBT groups around me are a joke, however if/when I transfer to a new and larger college I hope that there will be a better group.

    It's not fair, none of it... then again nothing ever really is.
    Hi, LordFluffybuttz,
    I have to ask why you feel the local LGBT groups are a problem. I recall your previous thread about the LGBT community and not being happy with their agenda. I'm wondering if you would care to elaborate on that. A number of groups may have political, activist agendas and I really can't say if that is the case here, but remember that the LGBT community is diverse as any other group and it may simply be a matter of finding your own niche with like-minded individuals. We are all different politically and socially so it is not likely that one group will speak for everyone, however, they may provide activities such as coffee shops, movie nights, counselling and other activities to help you accept yourself and meet others in a safe, friendly environment.

    There's always Fetlife which can be hit or miss depending on your area. They usally have munches in a semi-structured environment which may appeal to your ABDL side, and they are also inclusive of the LGBT population.

    Let me know what you're thinking.

  7. #7

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    Yea sadly that last post got closed by the thought police before I could elaborate more, my distain was dude to political clashes and other issues that are separate from what I'm talking about here.

    I call the local groups are a joke because they're very low in members and they are quite disorganized. Hopfuly once I move to a new area there will be more structured groups. There are regional events about every year or so but it's hardly the place for romance, too many people scurrying about in a parade or something. In all honesty the bar scene may not be all that great but it's better than what I have at the moment.
    Last edited by LordFluffybuttz; 10-Jul-2017 at 00:41.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by LordFluffybuttz View Post
    Yea sadly that last post got closed by the thought police before I could elaborate more, my distain was dude to political clashes and other issues that are separate from what I'm talking about here.

    I call the local groups are a joke because they're very low in members and they are quite disorganized. Hopfuly once I move to a new area there will be more structured groups. There are regional events about every year or so but it's hardly the place for romance, too many people scurrying about in a parade or something. In all honesty the bar scene may not be all that great but it's better than what I have at the moment.
    Heheh. Yeah, that last post really woke us up that morning. I really was hoping to hear your reasons behind it. I will say the LGBT population is as diverse as any other group, politically, economically or otherwise.

    How long until you relocate to another area? Hopefully it will be more active and accepting than your current environment. If you're moving in the near future, it would seem sensible to hold back a little bit on finding a relationship since there would likely be better methods of meeting people aside from the bar scene. Secondly, if you were to meet someone now, you would only have to go through the hardship of relocating and moving away. A little patience would seem to pay off in the long run.

    I think I would still be inclined to connect with the LGBT groups before jumping into the bar scene, even if they appear a bit disorganized. Keep in mind that many of them are likely volunteers or lowly paid non-profits so they may not have the skills or abilities to provide a more structured service. It's quite possible they have some support groups or activities not widely promoted outside of their circle in order to protect the safety and concerns of members who are not 'out' in their community. Or at the very least they may be able to refer you to something more in tune with your perspectives. Perhaps there is something in your community of which you are not aware.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by LordFluffybuttz View Post
    I'm struggling with the realization that I'm gay (I've know for about a year now). The internal struggle of how I feel about it fluctuates, sometimes I'm OK with it and sometimes I hate myself for it. Part of it is the loneliness and not being able to find anyone, and the other is the stigma from society about homosexuals.

    At the end of the day all I want is to be happy and I feel like finding a boyfriend would make me happy. However, sometimes I also think that it's wrong and I find myself stuck and afraid. We're told that being gay is wrong and imoral, I don't believe that but it doesn't make it any easier. Completely failing on online dating apps also doesn't help. I turn 21 in a month and I hope to be able to go to gay bars to increase my chances... funny thing is that there aren't many near me .
    LFb!

    Looks like you got some pretty sharp advice and good points to ponder... And, some company too!

    Anecdotally: I was a homophobe... Only to later find myself phasing through being straight to gay to bi to, asexual... Well... that looks confusing, doesn't it? (I didn't even get to the Transgender part...oh yeah!)

    Each to their own and really, it's no one else's life to live and explore but, yours! (each of ours respectively)

    One of the things that I've eventually found was... another one of those damned paradoxes (that's 2-'doxes', by the way)...

    If, I don't accept myself - no-one else really will either.
    I would find it much easier to accept myself if, others would too!

    Now, what do we do?
    Well, for me... it came in little pieces from myself to myself and, realizing that a fair bit of other's acceptance (or lack thereof) - was an illusion that I created out of the fear, that I wasn't/wouldn't/shouldn't be, accepted by others... Probably because, I hadn't accepted myself - even a little bit...

    In an analogy... I was walking in demanding respect and acceptance... all-the-while, I was holding up proverbial signs that said that I was unworthy and bad and sick and all of that... Those signs, were my sub-conscious (or thereabouts)... I was projecting my fears... no surprise , they read the signs and, they took my demands and expectations to be threats and moratoriums to their sanctity...

    You know what was missing?
    A.) R-e-s-p-e-c-t (find out what it means to me...)

    I didn't respect myself...
    I didn't respect them...
    ... they returned in kind.

    What really, should I expect from that?

    So, my friend (may I call you that?)...

    You're going to have to take small leaps of faith - in yourself and, others around you... little at a time... lack of planning and understanding on your part - does not constitute an emergency on their part and, vise-versa... Don't take what others may not understand or, have not yet planned for... as an act of aggression...

    The hardest to learn - seems to be the least complicated...

    I'll lead... you have my respect of you - will you respect you too?

    The rest (with some exception) will follow...

    Take care and be well,
    -Marka

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