Depression and Little Space

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kerry

kerry

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  1. Little
  2. Incontinent
I debated whether to post this here or in Mature Topics, but ultimately the cognitive dissonance created by the notion of discussing Little Space in a Mature Topics forum made up my mind for me.

I need to start by saying that my primary reason for being on ADISC is incontinence; I joined four years ago after being diagnosed. That, however, doesn't mean I was unfamiliar with the land of ABDL; as I'd had on and off again potty problems all of my life, mostly at night but occasionally during the day, the idea of age play and diapers both as punishment and as comfort device had also long been parts of my background. (My four-year-old sister was punished with diapers when I was eight; that is the earliest association I can recall. I hid my occasional bedwetting from my mom for a long time because of it.) Anyway: I know all of these worlds, though I have not made a habit of indulging my own Little side.

I have one; I've always known that. She's about four or five and has a damaged bladder so is not toilet trained. She likes baby things, probably because of the diapers she still has to wear, and she's indulged in these desires because...why not? But the thing is that I don't usually need her to come out. I have echoes and accoutrements of hers: one of her stuffed bears (Bearaboo) on my bed, her paci in my mouth when I sleep, footie sleepers in winter time, etc. And that's always enough.

But lately I have been in an ongoing depression that, try as I might, I can't seem to shake. It started with Trump, and I seemed finally to break free of it in early February, but the freedom didn't last. Since April or so, I've been lethargic, uninspired, and empty. I lack energy and desire to do much of anything. If I didn't have a few standing items on my calendar, I probably would lie on my couch 24/7 for weeks at a time. And I'm too down to even care.

I do get out--those items include play subscriptions, for example--but then I come home and I'm lost again. It seems absurd: what do I have to be depressed about? My life, in general, is better than most. Yet I can't reason this away. And I know, I know: you can't reason depression away. I should probably call my shrink to get my meds re-evaluated.

But this week, because I simple can't exist in grown-up space without crying about nothing at all, I decided to let Little Kerry out. I can't dress up (I don't own anything anyway) and I don't have a playpen or anything (though I wish I did) but these big items would be too noticeable when my daughter and her boyfriend come home later on. So what I have done is get Snowy, my overlarge stuffed polar bear, and a "Princess in Training" paci, and cuddle up against my "daddy" (my husband in his best daddy mode) to watch TV. For a little while, anyway, it seemed to help. Little Kerry nursed on her paci and giggled at the movie and hugged her bear and her daddy and bad thoughts left for awhile. And then the movie ended and they all came back in.

I have my paci and Snowy right here as I write this, but I'm writing, so I'm not in my real Little Space. Little Kerry isn't old enough to do that. I'm starting to wonder if the only way to beat this depression is to let her out for a long time and just forget about me for awhile. Maybe that would actually help...
 
Hmmm. My first thought is that it's important to understand the root of your depression (Trump is certainly a fair excuse, heh). I don't really have "little" tendencies -- well that I know of -- I suppose there's something there. I can get lost in nostalgic cartoons. But I can understand how entering "little space" can be therapeutic in a short-term kind of way.

I may have a slightly off-beat take on depression. I suffer from it myself, but I don't tend to interpret it as primarily a chemical imbalance. There are specific events that triggered it, and to which it is a response, and responding to the issue with chemicals is only a band-aid... if that makes sense. It's important to get at the cause.

:hug:
 
I also have a understanding about depression as I have major depressive disorder and to add to that I am now going through cancer treatment again and the chemo drugs counter act the depression meds and add to the depression I already have. Not to mention that they leave me physically drained along with mentally and emotionally. My little side helps but only when the chemo drugs are leaving my system unfortunately that is about the same time as I am going for my next dose.

If you wanna talk just message me

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk
 
Hey Kerry.

This is an on going issue for me also.

1) Yes get in touch with your Doctor and have your meds checked. This was the issue the last time I bottom out. Stress can cause thing to not work as effective and that only makes matters worse.

2) Letting the little out is an acceptable coping mechanism. Just be aware of how long and what is working. As always we still have to keep little and RL in a balance.

IF you need anyone to talk to don't hesitate to PM me.

Egor
 
Hi Kerry. I've had a rough time these last several weeks. My wife and I were always active, outdoor people. The family has a cottage in northern Ontario and we would go up there every July for vacation, enjoying our kids, swimming and fishing in the lake and having fun with my in-laws. But as the years have moved on, so have we. My wife can no longer travel as she is tied to her dialysis machine, plus her mobility is severely limited.

Two thirds of our family are up at the cottage. Our daughter and her family moved across the country to California and we never see them. Now, the summer is just a bitter reminder to me that there is no fun for my wife and me. We just sit in the kitchen and read, so depression comes and goes.

That said, I make myself do things so that it doesn't get worse. I can't do much about our built in circumstances, but I deliberately keep myself busy. As many members know, I purchased a great, digital piano and I'm learning many of the big, difficult pieces. I'd like to return to some of my writing, but I haven't yet. I've also gotten out on my bike a few times which actually makes me feel much better. I think the exercise kicks the endorphins into my system.

I think you need to find something that really excites you. I'm lucky in that I'm a musician, so my piano music does turn me on. Our bike trail is beautiful, and riding through the woods and crossing creeks via old railroad bridges plays to the romantic image of it all. Find your passion if you can and have something to do that is fun. We all need that.
 
dogboy said:
I think you need to find something that really excites you. I'm lucky in that I'm a musician, so my piano music does turn me on. Our bike trail is beautiful, and riding through the woods and crossing creeks via old railroad bridges plays to the romantic image of it all. Find your passion if you can and have something to do that is fun. We all need that.
Click to expand...

This is part of my problem. I'm a writer and I can't focus enough to write. And when I can't do that I just get more depressed. And then I think about so many others--heck, many right here on these forums--who have it much worse off than I do, and I just get even more depressed because I don't think I have any right to be depressed in the first place...etc. All I can do is lose myself in a TV show or something, but that only lasts until it's over.
 
kerry said:
This is part of my problem. I'm a writer and I can't focus enough to write. And when I can't do that I just get more depressed. And then I think about so many others--heck, many right here on these forums--who have it much worse off than I do, and I just get even more depressed because I don't think I have any right to be depressed in the first place...etc. All I can do is lose myself in a TV show or something, but that only lasts until it's over.
Click to expand...

Are you in a place where you would enjoy reading? When I was writing my novel, I was constantly reading other people's works. Sometimes it can generate ideas. I was thinking about you today, and the writing thing reminded me when I was writing "Ong's Hat". It was summer and I was out riding my bike almost every morning on the bike trail. I knew my characters, the main kids in the story, had to go to the lighthouse and discover the Fresnel lens missing, but the problem was, what else happened. How does one fill up an entire chapter with one event. Fortunately, all these ideas came to me while riding. There's a theory that exercise brings more oxygen to the brain.

I realize though that when one is really depressed, they're not interested in doing much of anything, so it's hard to motivate oneself out of the funk. For what it's worth, I think you're a wonderful person and I hope you can work through this. I typically get super focused on one thing. For six years it was writing the book and now it's playing piano. It's probably part of who I am emotionally, both for good and bad. Eventually, we all have to find our own way and one that works best for us.
 
dogboy said:
Are you in a place where you would enjoy reading? ...

I realize though that when one is really depressed, they're not interested in doing much of anything, so it's hard to motivate oneself out of the funk. For what it's worth, I think you're a wonderful person and I hope you can work through this. I typically get super focused on one thing. For six years it was writing the book and now it's playing piano. It's probably part of who I am emotionally, both for good and bad. Eventually, we all have to find our own way and one that works best for us.
Click to expand...

I love reading, but have not been able to concentrate on anything other than stories on this and other ABDL sites lately...and webcomics. Hubby has been trying to bring me out of my funk, but it's hard. He asked today what would help. I told him I didn't know; maybe a large playpen in the living room (which is impossible). He asked if I knew where to get one. (He knows it's impossible due to our living arrangements with college daughter and bf around so much but it was nice that he asked.)
 
kerry said:
I debated whether to post this here or in Mature Topics, but ultimately the cognitive dissonance created by the notion of discussing Little Space in a Mature Topics forum made up my mind for me.

I need to start by saying that my primary reason for being on ADISC is incontinence; I joined four years ago after being diagnosed. That, however, doesn't mean I was unfamiliar with the land of ABDL; as I'd had on and off again potty problems all of my life, mostly at night but occasionally during the day, the idea of age play and diapers both as punishment and as comfort device had also long been parts of my background. (My four-year-old sister was punished with diapers when I was eight; that is the earliest association I can recall. I hid my occasional bedwetting from my mom for a long time because of it.) Anyway: I know all of these worlds, though I have not made a habit of indulging my own Little side.

I have one; I've always known that. She's about four or five and has a damaged bladder so is not toilet trained. She likes baby things, probably because of the diapers she still has to wear, and she's indulged in these desires because...why not? But the thing is that I don't usually need her to come out. I have echoes and accoutrements of hers: one of her stuffed bears (Bearaboo) on my bed, her paci in my mouth when I sleep, footie sleepers in winter time, etc. And that's always enough.

But lately I have been in an ongoing depression that, try as I might, I can't seem to shake. It started with Trump, and I seemed finally to break free of it in early February, but the freedom didn't last. Since April or so, I've been lethargic, uninspired, and empty. I lack energy and desire to do much of anything. If I didn't have a few standing items on my calendar, I probably would lie on my couch 24/7 for weeks at a time. And I'm too down to even care.

I do get out--those items include play subscriptions, for example--but then I come home and I'm lost again. It seems absurd: what do I have to be depressed about? My life, in general, is better than most. Yet I can't reason this away. And I know, I know: you can't reason depression away. I should probably call my shrink to get my meds re-evaluated.

But this week, because I simple can't exist in grown-up space without crying about nothing at all, I decided to let Little Kerry out. I can't dress up (I don't own anything anyway) and I don't have a playpen or anything (though I wish I did) but these big items would be too noticeable when my daughter and her boyfriend come home later on. So what I have done is get Snowy, my overlarge stuffed polar bear, and a "Princess in Training" paci, and cuddle up against my "daddy" (my husband in his best daddy mode) to watch TV. For a little while, anyway, it seemed to help. Little Kerry nursed on her paci and giggled at the movie and hugged her bear and her daddy and bad thoughts left for awhile. And then the movie ended and they all came back in.

I have my paci and Snowy right here as I write this, but I'm writing, so I'm not in my real Little Space. Little Kerry isn't old enough to do that. I'm starting to wonder if the only way to beat this depression is to let her out for a long time and just forget about me for awhile. Maybe that would actually help...
Click to expand...

I tryed to quit many times over the years at one point three years cold turkey.
I found the little part of me was important it was a part of me that hid to be safe.
When I shut it away I found that I felt dead inside no reason to live.
I at the point that I felt my worst I embrace that part of me and at that point I found out that my little is a part of me that needs love also.
It's how I'm made up so my baby stuff clothing diapers are how I'm .
When I nurture all of me I find myself more hole it helps .

So make time for that part that is little color , play you can be very creative what you do to nurture your little.
A playpen can't be so hard you get one of those that breaks down into a little walls that once put together it's a big octagon and nobody needs to know what it really is. Get some little clothing even if it's just a pair of shortals and a onesie.
You and Daddy can go to the zoo in cute clothing not full AB but dress young.
Go to the park let Daddy push you in the swing.
Be creative you can do things that don't cost a lot of money or not any at all have a picnic do things like that.
That way you nurture both you and your little and that can make a difference.

Balance it out with your big self little nite where you can be little you
Even if you and Daddy just go through the toy section and just get something little you know like he collect My Little Pony or whatever that you enjoy.
It can be fun just doing that you and Daddy know what's going on but the public will think you're shopping for somebody else and you can nurture yourself have a little more enjoyment.
I have found I'm a big kid being that I can be what I need to be at the time .
There's a time and a place even if you're husband reads you a bedtime story you both can learn enjoy the time together.
Hugs lots.
 
Starrunner said:
First of all, it's tempting to want to blame Trump for everything. It's a terrible time to be liberal. If I lived in the US I'm sure I'd be miserable as all hell. But we know that depression is much more complicated than that.
Click to expand...

I know. It's clearly more than that. It just started with him. I was rolling along, enjoying the early months of retirement and getting lots of writing done, when in late August I started reading things that made me believe he actually had a chance. At that point I started having anxiety issues and could no longer write anything but blogs about politics for HuffPost. When election night came, I had a lot of hope, but when it was dashed I spiraled out of control, lost it for months, basically. I kept telling myself to be one of those women who fought back, but I couldn't. It wasn't until January, when my church asked me to do some parody writing for a variety show, that I found something I could focus on again. For awhile I was able to maintain by the expedient of keeping the news at a periphery (knowing what was going on, but not reading about it in depth) and thus was able to write the start of two separate novels and many chapters of two stories I've been publishing here. But then a couple of months ago things went south again and I've been steadily slipping ever since. I can concentrate in sporadic bits, no more. When I ran out of pre-written chapters, the stories stalled. It isn't Trump: I'm not lying here thinking of how he's destroying the planet and the country (though he is, and it terrifies me). It's something else I don't know. Or nothing at all. I'm not sure which is more frightening.

Starrunner said:
Depression can be caused by a number of factors and they are not always self-evident. Ask yourself if there have been any other changes in your life recently, say in the past year or so, and determine if there might be other life transitions occurring in your life that have not been previously considered, yet could be having a significant impact on your mental health. I think it's important to evaluate whether there are undetected situational circumstances contributing to how you feel right now. If you rule all of that out, then it's quite possible there are physiological symptoms causing it. Either way, it's a good time to contact your doctor and get yourself checked out.
Click to expand...

I have a new shrink b/c I've just changed medical plans. Met her once; I like her (probably better than my old shrink of twenty years). I wasn't depressed at the time, so we held steady on the meds. I'm thinking about contacting her for a new appointment.

Starrunner said:
Secondly, please don't ever, ever, EVER compare your life to that of someone else to arrive at the premise that other people have it worse. The circumstances of other individuals are irrelevant with respect to depression. Comparisons are not only unhelpful, they can be harmful to your mental health. You diminish your own feelings by comparing them to other people's situations and saying they have it worse. That's not what this is about. It is not about the circumstances of other individuals suffering from depression, it is how those circumstances affect each individual suffering. Depression can hit hard at anyone regardless of income, gender, or race. None of us are immune to it. The problem with the premise that 'there are others who are worse off' is that you minimize and dismiss your own feelings and sense of self-worth. Such a perspective can prevent you from seeking help because you believe there are others who need it more. It's one of the lies that depression tells us. You deserve help as much as the next person. I hope you will reach out for it.

I hope this is a storm that passes, kerry. You have contributed some of the most insightful, compassionate, and intelligent posts this site has ever seen, and you have been an inspiration to me, and I'm sure to many others here as well. This place needs you, bu we need you to be healthy.

With love, respect, and concern.
Click to expand...

Having a son and a daughter with clinical depression aside from my own, I am well aware of this. In the depths of its grip, though, it's hard to believe I shouldn't feel guilty for being depressed when my world is so outwardly positive. Depression is one of those emotions that finds ways to feed itself. I'm capable of being clinical and analytical about it, but that doesn't diminish the emotional grip it has on me. Nothing I can tell myself changes anything. What does feel really good though is reading the last few lines you wrote, Starrunner. Thank you so much for that.

HeronimusM said:
i'm sad to hear you have some serious depression issue's.
do you have room in your house to get your own private littlespace?
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, no. I've never needed it much anyway—my little time has mostly been fine as a mental image—but there have been occasions, and this is one of the most significant, when an actual space would be very, very helpful. Sadly, I live in a very small townhouse with no private spaces, and my college-grad daughter and her boyfriend are constant visitors with run of the place. I'm sure my kitties would love such a space as much as I, but it isn't to be.

Marka said:
Depression, requires no right nor, right-of-way and; it's an equal opportunity employer... it knows or cares none of, any color, creed or, orientation... Skill, experience and, due diligence - be damned!

Call for a tow and, reassess the rest when, you're back on the road...

You're not alone... shall you be lonely though?

Your Marka
Click to expand...

I think that's why I created this thread, Marka. I spend too much time lately crying internally as I'm doing right now. I just need some shoulders, even virtual ones, to cry upon...
 
foxkits said:
So make time for that part that is little color , play you can be very creative what you do to nurture your little.
A playpen can't be so hard you get one of those that breaks down into a little walls that once put together it's a big octagon and nobody needs to know what it really is. Get some little clothing even if it's just a pair of shortals and a onesie.
You and Daddy can go to the zoo in cute clothing not full AB but dress young.
Go to the park let Daddy push you in the swing.
Be creative you can do things that don't cost a lot of money or not any at all have a picnic do things like that.
That way you nurture both you and your little and that can make a difference.

Balance it out with your big self little nite where you can be little you
Even if you and Daddy just go through the toy section and just get something little you know like he collect My Little Pony or whatever that you enjoy.
It can be fun just doing that you and Daddy know what's going on but the public will think you're shopping for somebody else and you can nurture yourself have a little more enjoyment.
I have found I'm a big kid being that I can be what I need to be at the time .
There's a time and a place even if you're husband reads you a bedtime story you both can learn enjoy the time together.
Hugs lots.
Click to expand...

Thank you, foxkits. These are some really nice suggestions. I'll keep this list in mind and talk it over with my husband. I'm sure we'll be doing some of these things.
 
Hey Kerry, really sorry to hear of this depressive episode. I will not repeat the amazing advice and support that everyone here has contributed. Big shout out to Team ADISC, great work guys. I just wanted add some practical hints and tips that I use when the chips are down. They may not be for you so I wont mind if you dismiss them.

When feeling down in the dumps and I start getting lethargic or find myself slumped in front of the TV I set myself some challenges. For me, breaking down life into manageable chunks always helps me drive the situation forward. I will list a few examples of mini challenges I may set myself. Like Dogboy explained, keeping busy and active is a great depression beater. I do not know any science behind it but something about being busy and achieving goals that helps with good mental health.

1) Go for a walk in the park for at least one hour and think about all the good things in life, no matter how small.

2) Write at least 100 words into my diary about how I feel. What is getting me down lately? What do I have to look forward to? Etc. etc.

3) Play an old computer game that reminds me of spending time with my brother who I miss very much as he is the other side of the country.

4) Clear out all my old but decent clothes and take them to the charity shop as a good deed.

5) Watch all the Kevin Smith films in order with a huge bucket of chips and laugh heartedly at every opportunity.

6) Rock out in my living room to old music to get my energy levels going and the endorphins pumping.

So on and so forth. Everytime you accomplish a task tell yourself you are wonderful and deserve happiness.

PS. Sorry for the patronising list, just meant as examples of things that make me happy.

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
 
Not patronizing at all, MotherFaith. It is the list that works for you. Probably something close to it would work for me too if I could find the emotional energy to implement it. :) Thank you for caring.
 
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