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Thread: Anxiety (OCD), Diapers, and my relationship.

  1. #1

    Unhappy Anxiety (OCD), Diapers, and my relationship.

    For the past two months I've been diaper free. I've been pushing my ab/dl side of my life away, trying to deny its existence. Naturally, it hasn't been going so well. For the past 4 years of my life (5 this September <3 ) I've been with my girlfriend who I can't see myself happily living without. She knows almost nothing about this side of my life, which has been haunting me since I was little. I don't have a clue of when it all started for me and why, but not once in my life could I come to terms with it. I really want her to know about it, and I want to someday be able to accept it, but I've never been able to think of her reacting positively to my ab/dl lifestyle. I have absolutely no reason to think of it this way, with the exception of one incident where I attempted to tell her of my ab/dl interests.

    It was a normal Summer day for us, we where hanging out in my room while making plans to hang out with friends through Facebook. We where on my bed cuddling a bit, just chatting while waiting for responses, when I decided I'd sneak a hint. Try to make it seem like I'm contemplating it rather then coming out. So I asked her if she's ever felt horrible for being interested in something socially taboo like cross-dressing before. As expected, that peeked her interest with the response, "No, why?". After hearing that I got nervous, I'd been used to her being very curt, but for some reason I didn't expect her to respond that way. I went ahead and responded, "well for some reason since I've always had this interest for diapers, I don't know why but..." then she cut me off saying she had a headache and turned away. For the next few minutes we where laying back to back in complete silence, aside from her phone and the messages between us and our friends. It took a bit but eventually after feeling deeply regretful she had begun to spoon me, or as we call it "jet-pack". Our day went on from there as usual with no callbacks to the earlier event.

    Since then of course, we haven't talked about diapers. I've complained to her many times about my bowel issues that I'm worried are not related to my celiac disease, and my need to use the restroom more often, but never brought back diapers into our conversations again. But lately, I believe that's been impacting my mental and physical health.

    I'm far from being confident and modest as I used to be. The only time I'm ever "confident" anymore is when I'm in a foul mood and trying my best to ignore others. And I've been completely neglecting my diet (which to be fair, has never been great by any stretch of the imagination.) My sleep habits are poor, and it's been difficult to keep myself entertained as of late.

    I've been thinking tons lately about coming out to her, and whether not doing so is even worth it. Of course accepting myself and being happy with myself is an important part of caring for others, but I fear her response and worry about the impact of coming out to her. I'd choose her over diapers any day of the week, but lately I feel that I've been neglecting myself a bit too much.

    I don't exactly know what I'm trying to say, I've been contemplating posting something of this sort for a while (as in months) but could never figure out what to say. I'm sorry for the vagueness (and length) of this post, but I really could use some help, convincing, or even someone else's story to help me out.

  2. #2

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    Big hug buddy.

    I know this is hard but I would be surprised if you could repress your like for diapers forever. Worst thing is even without misunderstandings some people just won't accept it after being told.

    I get it you don't want to loose her but don't know how it will go by explaining it to her.

    I think some people write letters to their family/loved ones so they don't loose their nerve or fail to convey all the info.

    Whatever you decide to do is something you have to live with but the key really has to be live happy.

  3. #3

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    I had an issue similar to that, however when I told her she blew up. It took several months but we ended up talking again when I brought it up.

    My suggestion is to not force the conversation on her. Instead try to schedule a time for it. She can be prepared and get into a better mindset.

    I ended up going to councilling and a few binge purge cycles before I evened back out.

    Things you're going to find out:

    It's not an addiction, the desire doesn't lessen if you don't use.

    It's going to take courage. This isn't normal to a vanilla. By worlds terms we are wierd, but that's a good thing. I tried being normal once.... Just once.

    If she loves you the way you love her, she's going to try to understand. She may not like it, she may even hate it, but love endures. It's not that fragile.

    I hope it gets better my friend, God bless.

    BB

    Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G891A using Tapatalk

  4. #4

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    everyone, even in the closest and more intimate relationships have secrets. What are your options? Having the relationship and clandestinely engaging in the fetish in privacy or causing more issues and losing the relationship?

  5. #5

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    I understand exactly how you're feeling. Until I joined this site, I had no interaction whatsoever with the ABDL community. Never posted a message anywhere, never uploaded any pics, nothing. I was a phantom ABDL, lurking and watching from the sidelines. I did not want to admit I was one of those weirdo freaks. Because, lets face it. It does look weird. It does look silly and we're often ridiculed by the larger society.

    When I was growing up, I thought my desires made me an abomination. I had these creepy feelings that wouldn't go away and to make it worse, I couldn't tell anyone! I was a spooky-ass teenager. My parents thought I was nuts and sent me to different counselors trying to unwrap my mental issues. It does something to you when you can't tell anybody about a huge part of your identity. I consider my ABDL side to comprise about 1/3 of my overall identity and personality, meaning when you meet me, you're only getting up to 2/3 of who I really am and it's likely an act since living a life of secrecy has forced me to become a good actor.

    I've gone through so many binge and purge cycles over the years. I assumed I could have a healthy happy normal relationship or I could live out my desires for the babier things in life. If I was ever to marry, it would have to stop. But when I got together with my now-wife, it ate me up inside. A month or two into our relationship my mental state was falling apart because of the fears of her and the world finding out my secret and the fact that those desires (or "rages" as I've always called them) were strong. Also I had never told anyone. Not a soul. I figured if anybody else knew, they would have a huge advantage over me and could use it as blackmail if our relationship ever went bad. That led to the scariest game of 20 Questions ever since I just could not bring myself to say the words. She figured out what I was getting at and she was accepting, which was a huge relief. She even became the one to buy me my diapers because I was too embarrassed.

    Even so, years later, I still would get creeped out about this side of me and even though my wife was cool with it, I always assumed that it still gave her the cringes. So any time I would feel like wearing, I would always feel awkward around her. Finally I got tired of feeling like a freak and weirdo and societal reject. Those feeling about myself are partially responsible for my other mental issues. I'm a really bad self harmer for instance. To the point that I can't even wear shorts anymore because the cutting board scar tissue of my legs looks so disturbing.

    You know what isn't harmful to my mental state? Being an ABDL. It quiets all that self loathing and I've never harmed myself while in this state because it isn't compatible with the AB personality. That means diapers and baby stuff are actually a form of therapy for me. A medicine, if you will. It balances me out and ironically, I feel normal, or as close to normal as I think normal is.

    My point is, you are not alone but the cold, hard scary fact is that if you want to keep a healthy relationship with someone, you cannot hide it. If they leave you, they leave you. But trying to conceal a very real part of yourself just wont work in the long term. I wish you the best of luck.

    One parting thought. I recently signed up for Fetlife, after hearing it mentioned in these boards. I don't think I'll use it much myself as I have an aversion to social networks but just browsing it I realized just how unfreaky we really are! I thought I was some weird abomination and all the time it appears the rest of the judgmental world who was going to tear me apart, were also getting secretly freaky! I am not nearly as bizarre as I thought I was. That was a comforting realization. You are not as weird as you think!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tommycombs View Post
    I understand exactly how you're feeling...
    I must have posted this, yet I can't recall doing it. I think you're me!

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by ToddySmurf View Post
    I must have posted this, yet I can't recall doing it. I think you're me!
    It's very possible. I have a few other personalities as well. That's why they call it "Borderline Personality Disorder"!

  8. #8

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    All I can say is if you intend to be with your girlfriend for a long time, or get married, then you're going to have to tell her eventually.

  9. #9

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    Tell her before you marry. I did and it lasted tell she died with us approaching 34 years of marriage.

  10. #10

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    I was/am the same way still get very self concousious of the whole thing when i want to wear i ask my fiance and even after she says yes i still feel like she just said yes to avoid me asking multiple times or me getting upset. I still feel like at timea she doesnt fully accept me for it.

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