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Thread: Regressing From the Weight of the World...

  1. #1

    Default Regressing From the Weight of the World...

    A great portion of my life is made up of things I cannot control.

    With autism rendering me unable to find employment, I have no opportunities to better myself through work. No money means I will likely never be able to leave my parents' house - or really do anything. I get a little money from my dad, but of course that doesn't go far.

    And of course living in my parents' home, I don't have much say-so in the things that go on beyond my little section of it.

    Due to severe anxiety/fear I have made up my mind to never drive, which imposes further restrictions.

    So imagine being in a bubble that is always being popped - that's my life. A state of constant insecurity and uncertainty. I know that tomorrow my physical needs will be met, but my emotional will not, and haven't been for quite a while. And I know my parents (my father especially) will not be around forever to keep a roof over my head - but perhaps worrying about that is premature, because at this point with the health problems I'm facing there's a chance I might not even outlive them.

    I crave human warmth and affection - but I barely know what it feels like anymore. I just want to be held and reassured that things will be OK. Even going to sleep is oftentimes enough to fill me with anxiety that I know is irrational, but that I cannot control - and I don't think it'll ever completely go away without someone to sleep next to. But at the same time, I am wary of and distrustful of humankind.

    In short, there is very little I can depend on. Except for my baby things.

    I know diapers, binkies, and the like will always be there for me. They will not abandon me, or die, and no one can take them away from me. They are mine, and under my control. With them, I can create a tiny sliver of illusion. People love babies, and take care of babies, enveloping them in the safety and security I don't have but want so badly. It may only be a sham, a desperate attempt at happiness - but it is my sham, and I don't have much more than that.

  2. #2

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    I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are facing.

    I am glad that you have found something that you can count on to help. Many of us use our 'little' time to reduce stress and/or to put aside our current troubles.

  3. #3

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    Thank you for sharing.

    I know the feeling of wanting to be held.

    It is a trigger for me when it happens with someone I trust. And to be nursed like baby is bliss,

    But even put my self out there and finding a on line Daddy that will do that for me takes time and the resources and courage to meet them wich is hard.

    But if I hadn't I would not of meet my Little bro. Issac. And we are so happy I read a tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter last night as a bedtime story. It's great find that someone even if it is a online P-DOM / Big.

    The thing with life it is always changing. And you are right people get old and they will leave you or you will leave them.

    May I suggest that you get your dad to help you plan for the future.

    You my need support through out your life so it would be an idea to work out who is going to be sopporting you.

    The illusion of control is just that we may think that we have control or not have control. But the only real control we have is the choices we all make and then live with the consequences of our choice. For good or bad.

    I hope the choices you make are the one that will bring you happyness.

    Siysiy

  4. #4

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    There is only one thing you need to know....... whether you like it or not............ and that is that the one thing that remains constant in this universe is change.

    and yes Kimba I agree we all want to be held and told the everything is going to be okay. (that is something all AB/DL's have in common at least for the most part.)

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by siysiy View Post



    May I suggest that you get your dad to help you plan for the future.

    You my need support through out your life so it would be an idea to work out who is going to be sopporting you.


    In the United States, help for the disabled is not the most stable system.

    Seeing that the agency that was supposed to help me find a job isn't looking all that promising, I was thinking of applying for what is the United States' main form of support for handicapped people - Social Security. However, seeing that I live with my parents and they pay for my needs, I would not get all that much money right now. If I manage to outlive them and end up on my own - I won't be able to pay taxes or utilities on our house, so I would most likely lose it and be homeless - then I would get more, but only somewhere in the tune of $700 a month. So even with government help, you are still kept in pretty deep poverty.

    Unlike in Britain, the poor and the disabled in the States are at the mercy of politicians, some of whom are quite merciless. Right now, Republican lawmakers are trying to craft a new health-care bill that is estimated to knock millions of Americans - including me - off their health insurance. When I say I have no safety in my life, no security, it's pretty clear why. Why am I distrustful of humans? Well, there's only a whole bunch who see me only as collateral damage in a political game, who would rather I go without health care so they can get a tax break. Their mindset is ''Why should I be forced to help out my fellow humankind? Forcing me to pay taxes, so poor Kimba can go to the doctor and have medicine, is wrong. Now that I don't have to pay for that, time for my tenth international vacation!''

    Yes, I'm bitter. I'm bitter because I live in a country where it's perfectly alright to throw people under a bus and forget about them because they're not as well off as others.

  6. #6

  7. #7

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    I'm sorry to hear that Kimba and Ian. I am also chronically unemployed and depressed. Social supports in Canada are better, but I am not sure I qualify and would rather put it off unless absolutely necessary. I am pretty much a socialist, but I don't feel entitled to taking from the system without giving back. Of course, if one legitimately can't work then that is an other issue, and I am beginning to worry I fall into that category. I went to an agency specifically to help people with disabilities find work. After two meltdowns at their office I was told they couldn't help me at this time.

    All I can suggest is that you do what I am trying to do and work on your mental health. As you are limited by autism perhaps you should look for courses and learning materials to help you cope with the demands of the social world. Where I live they have support groups and drama classes for adults on the spectrum. If you learn to put up a good front it can go a long way. Even so, if executive functioning and sensory overload are major issues then it's still going to be tough.

    Even without a job though I wouldn't rule out finding a partner. Both my partner and I are unemployed basket cases, but I think we have something really special. It takes a lot of work, as to not create a neurotic feedback loop, but it has been worth it. If you can swallow your fear and take baby steps you just may find that special someone. I guess the dream would be to find a financially independent partner who could totally take care of you, and that may be a long-shot, but would it really hurt to try?

    Of course, depression gets in the way of everything. Life is hard, and without the will to push forward nothing happens. Before you can improve your external situation you may have to work at making internal changes, to be more at peace with things as they are and worry less about the future. If you aren't medicated, maybe you should be. Perhaps there are lifestyle changes you can make. Are you sleeping on a regular schedule, getting proper nutrition, enough exercise? If not then try working on one of these things. I have recently started meditation and hope that will help. I used to do yoga regularly and that was probably when I was at my happiest and most functional.

    Anyway; I know this is like the blind leading the blind, but I hope something I said can help. Good luck.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by CuddleFish View Post
    I'm sorry to hear that Kimba and Ian. I am also chronically unemployed and depressed. Social supports in Canada are better, but I am not sure I qualify and would rather put it off unless absolutely necessary. I am pretty much a socialist, but I don't feel entitled to taking from the system without giving back. Of course, if one legitimately can't work then that is an other issue, and I am beginning to worry I fall into that category. I went to an agency specifically to help people with disabilities find work. After two meltdowns at their office I was told they couldn't help me at this time.

    All I can suggest is that you do what I am trying to do and work on your mental health. As you are limited by autism perhaps you should look for courses and learning materials to help you cope with the demands of the social world. Where I live they have support groups and drama classes for adults on the spectrum. If you learn to put up a good front it can go a long way. Even so, if executive functioning and sensory overload are major issues then it's still going to be tough.

    Even without a job though I wouldn't rule out finding a partner. Both my partner and I are unemployed basket cases, but I think we have something really special. It takes a lot of work, as to not create a neurotic feedback loop, but it has been worth it. If you can swallow your fear and take baby steps you just may find that special someone. I guess the dream would be to find a financially independent partner who could totally take care of you, and that may be a long-shot, but would it really hurt to try?

    Of course, depression gets in the way of everything. Life is hard, and without the will to push forward nothing happens. Before you can improve your external situation you may have to work at making internal changes, to be more at peace with things as they are and worry less about the future. If you aren't medicated, maybe you should be. Perhaps there are lifestyle changes you can make. Are you sleeping on a regular schedule, getting proper nutrition, enough exercise? If not then try working on one of these things. I have recently started meditation and hope that will help. I used to do yoga regularly and that was probably when I was at my happiest and most functional.

    Anyway; I know this is like the blind leading the blind, but I hope something I said can help. Good luck.
    The way I tend to look at it is, if no one will give you a hand-up (as in the case of the agency trying to find me a job, which I am now very doubtful about), it's OK to take a hand-out. I know I am capable of working in a job that meets my needs... but if no one wants to give you a chance to prove yourself, what are you supposed to do?

    I am in therapy, but I'm finding that while it's nice to have someone to talk to... I don't seem to be getting a whole lot out of it. Honestly one of the most helpful things my therapist's told me was just today, about how to deal with neurotypicals and one of their peculiar habits. When one of the people at the YMCA asks me how I'm doing and I say ''Fine,'' she'll say ''Just fine?'' And my therapist told me it's better to just act fake for a moment and say ''Good!'' to avoid further questioning. Being fake is something I despise, but it's what a lot of social interaction is built on... And she lent me a book by Temple Grandin.

  9. #9

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    Hi KimbaWolfNagihiko

    been thinking about you over the last fewdays.


    The thing about depression it is inward looking and will take away your happy thoughts.

    And not having any happy thoughts is not very nice because can't fly. And it makes you cry alot, and feel sad

    All you need is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust.

    I know this is very hard for you at the moment sweetheart, but try to lookout at things, planning for what you are able to do, and won't to do.

    This way you will get some happy thoughts back.

    Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

    Or in other words I reject your reality and substitute my own. Adam Savage

    I really hope you get your happy thoughts back. So you can join us up hear in the tree house.

    I know it seems that I am asking for the impossible hear. But with hard work and support. You can feel so much better.

    And thats a Pinky promise.

    Siysiy




  10. #10

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    I hear you on the frustrations of not being given a chance. There are jobs I could do as well, if anybody was willing to give them to me. As it is, even fast food places are turning me down.

    On the social front, I have learned that it is considered rude to be unhappy. All the time people used to tell me to smile. I even had my job threatened! My way of thinking was that I would smile when I was happy. What was the point of portraying emotion other than to communicate how you are feeling? Then I realized that feelings (or at least those we express) are contagious. Being around sad people is depressing. I also learned that if you don't smile then people presume you are upset with them specifically. So putting on a happy face is often more about making others comfortable rather than actually communicating.

    The normies have broken me in as now I smile at just about everyone I meet. I smile when I'm happy, but I also smile when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. Frankly, it makes life easier, but I wish this wasn't how people operated. The same goes for people asking "how are you?", though I am more inclined to give an honest answer, unless it is in a professional context, or I just really don't feel like talking about my issues.

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