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Thread: I admitt it, I'm scared of my own mother! Trigger warning

  1. #1

    Default I admitt it, I'm scared of my own mother! Trigger warning

    I regret to even say this because I'm scared I'll anger my mom, but she scares me even in death.

    Every now and again when I am asleep I have dreams of my mom, I dream about 3 different versions of my mom, 1, a version of what she would be like in heaven, she is fit, well and looks as if she never had diabetes and kidney failure and best of all, she is chatting to me as I am as a young woman, it's very reminiscent of when I had to look after her and she had days when she was well as well as the family vacations I still dream about and having meals and special events at my nana and granddads, she is very kind and pleasant to talk about, I enjoy having these dreams but my other 2 versions of mom are very disturbing.

    Next is kind of a Frankenstein gone wrong, failed project reject type dream where is she is on the brink of death again, she is covered in cuts and bruises and her mental state is like it was just before she died, often in those dreams, she has come back from the hospital but she has a tendency to either stay alive for short while but is so fragile she is falling apart (which she was like in real life anyway) and she says she will have be back to being dead again soon, she is often asking how I am or asking questions about my life. Often I'm afraid that she would either reject me forever for being ABDL and die before I can explain what I'm actually doing with my life and my lifelong goals or she will have a seizure or die all over again. (My mom died in hospital with pnuemonia and organ failure and had a very disturbing mental state of everyone trying to kill her but me, she kept telling me to be careful and don't risk my life trying to see her as she was scared I would get killed when in reality nobody was trying to kill her at all) this was when I relized my mom was sicker than I relised and her behaviour could be linked to this, because a good few months before she went in for 6 months in which her body couldn't cope, her behaviour was becoming more erratic as she shouted at me for silly reasons such as using the printer without asking but her behaviour was always erratic like she shouted at me for having a bath, smacked me with her slipper in rage when I did something wrong, I think once she trashed my room or something when I was ONLY 6 YEARS OLD!!! Seriously I can't figure out what I did so bad at this age to deserve THAT!!! She shouted at me whenever I wet my diaper past age 2-3 or had an accidnet and called me lazy and she accused me of turning into a baby whenever I would come home from visiting my then baby cusion since I would always play with her and sometimes I would cry whenever my mom would start being mean, she would tell me to go away, mock me for using sounds to express myself (I'm mildly autistic), she once told me she regretted it when I was sick in my bed, I kinda understand now that she was quite ill and I didn't relise how ill she proberly was back when I was a child, she proberly was full of rage about her own health, enraged further by me crying (I'll give you something to cry about, she would always say) and any misbehaviour, I used to throw some wicked tantrums even past the age of 6 , my last one was at age 16 when my mother shouted at me for some unknown reason, proberly for watching the television and laughing at what I was watching or because I got int the way when she was trying to draw the curtains or something, I can't really remember.

    I remember this tantrum so clearly, I was so heartbroken and angry with her being so unfair that I couldn't eat my Sunday dinner and whenever I have Sunday dinner I always get reminded of that memeory, I remember crying historically, she ignored me thank god, I must of looked like a toddler who didn't want her dinner because I wolfed down my meal, gravy dipping down my chin, I literally after the meal poured a glass of water into my mouth and missed most of it because I was in histerics, I screamed into my pillow for a good 1 hour and never stopped crying until 4-5 hours later, no exaggeration. I was upprised she never called me up on my behaviour, she must of had a low blood sugar at the time, because she must of relised her behaviour was out of hand because my behaviour was even shocking for a 2 year old, crap now I read what I just wrote, she screwed with me pretty bad! I can't actually believe I had that tantrum ever.

    I can't bbelieve I had that tantrum ever, but this is the last version of mom which is quite remnaiscent of times like that but even scarier, she is either cutting off my hair or getting rid of toys or shouting at me or my older brother for something we didn't do, or even more disturbing she is trying to kill me, I am shit scared of the few dreams I have of her that when she has found out about my ABDL and is NOT happy with it, (I have had dreams in which is trying to understand or is understanding but that's a story for later) she is trying to get rid of stuff and is threatening me with stuff if I ever brought anything like toys of even something like a dummy in the house again...

    (she never actually found out about it, although I discussed ABDL as an interesting topic when she was behaving normally and I enjoyed talking to her about stuff and laughing with her that I can't believe she was ever like that, it's a very confusing thing to remember your mother by that even my brother is struggling to comprehend it and generally tries to avoid talking about it, he agrees that she was horrible too so he tried to avoid her as much as possible)

    So that concludes why I'm scared of my own mother that I feel I can't even talk about her or she will get angry , I've got a telephone assessment over the phone so I feel I should talk on the phone for help. But most times I feel like I don't need it because I don't always think about my mother or I try to remember that she was so ill. Those memeories still hurt especially if at the time you didn't understand...

  2. #2

    Default

    It may be impossible to ever get away or forget bad memories. You're probably still dealing with both the trauma of your mom's anger but also of her death. That's a difficult combination to deal with. I have a set of repeating dreams that I've had all my life. In my case, I'm always trying to get home. I'm almost always lost in a strange city or town. If I'm driving, in the dream, I typically park and then can't find the car. Only once did I find the home I grew up in, but when I knocked on the door, no one was home and I knew that no one would ever be home, because my parents died many years ago. I felt sad and abandoned.

    You subconscious is trying to work out all these past experiences, and it's doing it through dreams. There's probably nothing you can do about the dreams, but you can control how you feel about the dreams. Don't let your dreams dictate to you. They're symbolic of a variety of things, and sometimes those aren't even apparent. Just remember that you weren't responsible for the way you mom sometimes behaved. Remember that she was sick and didn't feel well. She may have taken that out on others and she probably was afraid. No one wants to face their own death.

    Try to remember the good things about your mom and dismiss the bad. Over time, things tend to lessen.

  3. #3

    Default

    Are you getting counseling?

    I find often what shows up in my dreams is what I'm avoiding thinking about during the day. It helps to face it and examine it directly.

  4. #4

    Default

    On Friday, I'll be getting a telephone assessment to see if I need couseling ir not

  5. #5

    Default

    Well, if your fear of your Mom deals with anything relating to this site, then I am in the same boat as you are in that case.

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